Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I stop letting my mother make me feel guilty when I won't go to see her when she wants?
You are doing everything you can. It does seem as though she is showing signs of dementia. You may want to talk with your dad about getting... You are doing everything you can. It does seem as though she is showing signs of dementia. You may want to talk with your dad about getting her to a specialist for this kind of examination. It may be wise to use a general reason for taking her to the doctor so she doesn't balk at this type of exam. She might actually feel frightened about her memory loss and underneath all of her complaining she might be grateful.
You don't need to take this kind of abuse. You have triplets! You have your own health problems and a full-time job. Your dad is there to watch over her. You'll need to learn to detach from her verbal abuse and just say, "I'm sorry you're upset, Mom. I'm doing all I can. I come back and see you at a better time." Then, assuming your dad is around, you can leave. If she finds she can't bully you, she may improve. If she does have dementia, you can talk to the doctor about how much of her verbal abuse is dementia and how much is conscious manipulation. Either way, you need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to care for your children, let alone your mother. Please get some counseling for yourself if you can't learn to detach on your own. You are doing your best. You job is to absorb this truth.
Take care,
Carol see more
You don't need to take this kind of abuse. You have triplets! You have your own health problems and a full-time job. Your dad is there to watch over her. You'll need to learn to detach from her verbal abuse and just say, "I'm sorry you're upset, Mom. I'm doing all I can. I come back and see you at a better time." Then, assuming your dad is around, you can leave. If she finds she can't bully you, she may improve. If she does have dementia, you can talk to the doctor about how much of her verbal abuse is dementia and how much is conscious manipulation. Either way, you need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to care for your children, let alone your mother. Please get some counseling for yourself if you can't learn to detach on your own. You are doing your best. You job is to absorb this truth.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How much is fair to ask my father-in-law to pay to live with us and have me be his caretaker?
If he has some assets, you could check the hourly wage at an in-home care agency and use that as a guide. Also, you can document the... If he has some assets, you could check the hourly wage at an in-home care agency and use that as a guide. Also, you can document the increases in heat, water and food. Then you could write up a contract. However, since he has applied for Aid and Attendance, you must be very careful not to do anything to derail that. I'd suggest one session with an elder law attorney to make sure there are no mistakes you'll later regret.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Father with Alzheimer's refuses home health care, is very demanding, and nothing is ever good enough. Is this...
Jeanne touched all the bases, here, Skarkenn. Your dad has Alzheimer's disease. It can cause this behavior - indeed it does more than... Jeanne touched all the bases, here, Skarkenn. Your dad has Alzheimer's disease. It can cause this behavior - indeed it does more than most people know. But this is abuse to you, and you shouldn't have to live with it. Your dad needs to be cared for by professionals. You aren't giving up on him or throwing him out. You are looking for a safe environment where professional caregivers, with the help of his doctor, can take care of him. You will be there to visit and be his advocate, so you are still part of the team. Please take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
If my mother has a legal court appointed guardian who is not properly looking after her affairs, what can I do...
I'm afraid this may take an attorney (check with your state bar association to see if there are any who would do this low cost or pro... I'm afraid this may take an attorney (check with your state bar association to see if there are any who would do this low cost or pro bono (free). First, start with social services and see if they have advice on how to go about challenging the court decision. They may have other ideas. You will likely need proof of wrong doing. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I know when my MIL is making her pre dementia rude comments or making rude comments due to the dementia...
As usual, Jeanniegibbs has compassionate and wise advice. You need to do what you can to avoid being abused by your mother-in-law,... As usual, Jeanniegibbs has compassionate and wise advice.
You need to do what you can to avoid being abused by your mother-in-law, dementia or not. However, it may help if you can work on forgiving the past (not for her, but for you) and concentrating on her disease. She may have had dementia or mental illness symptoms for years before being diagnosed. Sometimes it's easier to bear if we know a disease is behind the behavior.
Ignoring the bad behavior is often best - dementia or not - because if there is no reaction it's hard for anyone to continue being nasty. There's no reward if no one acts back. "Buying into" someone else's bad behavior by being nasty back generally escalates the problem. I know it's hard just to walk away when she says abusive things to you, but it may be your best best. Just say, "I won't be talked to like that" and leave the room. Because of the history of verbal abuse here, you may want to talk to a counselor to help you cope.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
You need to do what you can to avoid being abused by your mother-in-law, dementia or not. However, it may help if you can work on forgiving the past (not for her, but for you) and concentrating on her disease. She may have had dementia or mental illness symptoms for years before being diagnosed. Sometimes it's easier to bear if we know a disease is behind the behavior.
Ignoring the bad behavior is often best - dementia or not - because if there is no reaction it's hard for anyone to continue being nasty. There's no reward if no one acts back. "Buying into" someone else's bad behavior by being nasty back generally escalates the problem. I know it's hard just to walk away when she says abusive things to you, but it may be your best best. Just say, "I won't be talked to like that" and leave the room. Because of the history of verbal abuse here, you may want to talk to a counselor to help you cope.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do to help out my fiances mom who is about to loose her home?
I can see why your feel desperate. You've got a lot to handle. Your finance's mom would likely qualify for Medicaid. Also, she may... I can see why your feel desperate. You've got a lot to handle.
Your finance's mom would likely qualify for Medicaid. Also, she may qualify for subsidized senior housing. I'd check your city resources immediately and see what subsidized housing is available for low income people. If she could get housing soon, maybe she can sell her house. Good luck. You've got enough on your plate already, as many others do. This is not an uncommon situation. I hope your local community has some help for her.
Carol see more
Your finance's mom would likely qualify for Medicaid. Also, she may qualify for subsidized senior housing. I'd check your city resources immediately and see what subsidized housing is available for low income people. If she could get housing soon, maybe she can sell her house. Good luck. You've got enough on your plate already, as many others do. This is not an uncommon situation. I hope your local community has some help for her.
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Question
Is V.A. Aid and Attendance "Either/ OR" with Medicare or a supplement to Medicare?
I'd listen to the nurse as far as going carefully and asking questions. But I don't think that any VA benefits should knock her off... I'd listen to the nurse as far as going carefully and asking questions. But I don't think that any VA benefits should knock her off of Medicare. The nurse may mean that your mother-in-law will need to qualify financially, which would mean few assets, however she may already have spent down her assets. Do move carefully, but check it out. Your mother-in-law deserves whatever benefits are allowed. If things get too confusing, you can ask an elder law attorney to help you. Find one who knows your state Medicaid laws well. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
How do I get my dad to stop going to the bathroom in his pants?
You may not be able to do anything. It sounds as if his caregiver could do more to help, but if he is developing dementia or his... You may not be able to do anything. It sounds as if his caregiver could do more to help, but if he is developing dementia or his medications are hampering his thinking, he may not realize what he's doing is unsanitary. I'm assuming you've tried to kindly explain this to him. At least he wears his protective wear when he goes out! By the way, this shows some understanding of what's going on, so he may just figure that in his home he can do as he wishes. You could see if a good friend of his can talk some sense into him. Elders often don't like taking "orders" from their kids.
Sometimes, we can't change what is going on and we have to learn to adjust.Good luck with changing that difficult behavior of his. see more
Sometimes, we can't change what is going on and we have to learn to adjust.Good luck with changing that difficult behavior of his. see more
Question
My father recently found out that his wife had been writing bad checks to several different banks. Is there an...
I'd speak to an attorney about this abuse. However, to answer your question, he can make you his Power Of Attorney, and then you can go... I'd speak to an attorney about this abuse. However, to answer your question, he can make you his Power Of Attorney, and then you can go with him to read his papers to him. The POA doesn't mean you are taking over. It gives you the legal right to help. An estate attorney or elder law attorney can help with this.
You are right to be concerned.
Take care,
Carol see more
You are right to be concerned.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can I claim my parent on my taxes if I pay for someone to care for them?
Since your parent doesn't live with you it may be harder to deduct that expense, however if you provide half of the living expenses you... Since your parent doesn't live with you it may be harder to deduct that expense, however if you provide half of the living expenses you may be able to do this. You should check with a CPA to see what is legal in your case. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I encourage my mom to get out and DO SOMETHING??
Someone with depression and anxiety can find it nearly impossible to "do things," so your mother's doctor needs to be... Someone with depression and anxiety can find it nearly impossible to "do things," so your mother's doctor needs to be involved. While it's very good for elders to socialize, when someone is very depressed they often can't - they aren't just being stubborn.
Since she only has her Social Security, I'm wondering if there's subsidized senior housing in your area. Your mother may be able to make friends living in a safe environment with other seniors, and you'd be able to have time for yourself (which you need), as well as your son and your boyfriend. Your mom may feel that she is too dependent, and that's why she talks about going back to Florida. I'd look into assisted living or senior housing and see if there is a comfortable setting for her. At least give it some thought, but do address the depression with her doctor.
Take care,
Carol see more
Since she only has her Social Security, I'm wondering if there's subsidized senior housing in your area. Your mother may be able to make friends living in a safe environment with other seniors, and you'd be able to have time for yourself (which you need), as well as your son and your boyfriend. Your mom may feel that she is too dependent, and that's why she talks about going back to Florida. I'd look into assisted living or senior housing and see if there is a comfortable setting for her. At least give it some thought, but do address the depression with her doctor.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are the legal ways to spend a minimal amount of assets before applying for Medicaid?
If there's quite a bit of money, you'd be wise to ask an attorney who knows the Medicaid rules (locally). There are likely ways the... If there's quite a bit of money, you'd be wise to ask an attorney who knows the Medicaid rules (locally). There are likely ways the money can be spent on the person to whom it belongs, but if you are trying to get a person qualified for Medicaid, those outlets may be limited.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it a normal part of the aging process for the elderly to not be able to realize they are thirsty?
I believe it's fairly common for aging people to have a poor thirst instinct. They also dehydrate faster than younger people, so... I believe it's fairly common for aging people to have a poor thirst instinct. They also dehydrate faster than younger people, so it's important to encourage fluid. As mentioned, a medical problem could be at the bottom of the issue, or even a medication, so a doctor should be consulted. However, it's quite possible this is from normal aging.
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Carol see more
Question
Can guardianship of a parent be dropped?
I would assume so, but you likely have to do it through a legal process. I don't know the process, but the social worker involved... I would assume so, but you likely have to do it through a legal process. I don't know the process, but the social worker involved should know. It also may depend on where you live, as well as your reasons for dropping it. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when a Home Health Agency stops their service because Medicare will not pay because the agency...
One problem with Medicare and home health is that Medicare pays for Medical needs for home health, but generally not for... One problem with Medicare and home health is that Medicare pays for Medical needs for home health, but generally not for "custodial" care, like bathing and general care. If the agency coded it wrong, you should keep on them to correct that. That is their job. They won't keep a reputation long if they don't get their system right. If your mom had custodial care, then it's not a coding problem, it's just not covered by Medicare. However, if the care was medical in nature, keep on them. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
I have long term care insurance. What has to be done to be able to use it?
Each policy is different. Contact your company and see what the policy covers. Some policies cover in-home care services, some assisted... Each policy is different. Contact your company and see what the policy covers. Some policies cover in-home care services, some assisted living and some just nursing homes (the older policies). The only way to know is to contact your company and look at the policy.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
When do you need hospice?
I'm so sorry about your mother's pain! Generally, the doctor will need to diagnose her as having six months to live, so I'd... I'm so sorry about your mother's pain! Generally, the doctor will need to diagnose her as having six months to live, so I'd talk to the doctor first. With the pain of shingles and her weakness and not eating, she's showing signs of giving up, and likely the doctor will okay hospice. If you'd rather start with your local hospice you can call them and they will guide you as to the right steps. They offer palliative (comfort) care, which sounds like what you mother needs now. Take care of yourself, too.
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Carol see more
Question
How does a visually impaired patient find a place to move?
Is he a veteran? The VA may be able to help. If not, I'd begin by checking with his social services adult protection people and follow... Is he a veteran? The VA may be able to help. If not, I'd begin by checking with his social services adult protection people and follow their advice. Relocating will make this more difficult, but they should be able to tell you the next step.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do when my mom, with early-stage dementia, now wants her boyfriend to handle her finances and be he...
This is a heart breaker. Your mother is a vulnerable adult. The man may love her, but you have said he's abusive. He is mentally ill,... This is a heart breaker. Your mother is a vulnerable adult. The man may love her, but you have said he's abusive. He is mentally ill, and shouldn't be in charge of your mother's health and assets unless he is more stable and a doctor thinks he's capable.
You now have the POA, so legally you should be able to make decisions. I'd talk with her attorney and let him or her know about the situation in case the boyfriend tries to get your mom to change the POA. You may need legal help, anyway.
Yes, she'll be angry, but she doesn't sound capable of making her own decisions. Good luck with this whole mess. Check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
You now have the POA, so legally you should be able to make decisions. I'd talk with her attorney and let him or her know about the situation in case the boyfriend tries to get your mom to change the POA. You may need legal help, anyway.
Yes, she'll be angry, but she doesn't sound capable of making her own decisions. Good luck with this whole mess. Check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
What could be going on in my grandmothers body that she would ask to go to the bathroom to urinate and can't a...
Take care,
Carol see more