Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
We think mom had a stroke 5 months ago, and won't see a doctor. How can we get her to go if we don't want to b...
Has she never seen a doctor for this stroke? She's lucky she's alive, as you well know. If she won't listen to your dad or you,... Has she never seen a doctor for this stroke? She's lucky she's alive, as you well know. If she won't listen to your dad or you, would she listen to a good friend. She could well have an infection rather than have had a stroke (if a stroke wasn't diagnosed). Perhaps this friend could tell her that she seems to have symptoms of a urinary infection and that she likely needs an antibiotic (could be true - UTIs can cause many of these symptoms). Have your dad contact the doctor ahead of time letting him or her know about your suspicions. Once she's in a doctor's office she may cooperate. If she won't go at all, even for a check on an infection, then you may have to wait until there are worse symptoms. But tell her she can't drive until she sees a doctor about this possible "infection." Good luck,
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Question
What exactly does assisted living entail and what is the criteria to determine if a person can live there?
Assisted living facilities aren't all the same. Generally, they don't provide nursing care like nursing homes do. Some do have... Assisted living facilities aren't all the same. Generally, they don't provide nursing care like nursing homes do. Some do have memory units for people with dementia, but others don't. Some are as elegant as a resort while others are very modest. The idea is that the people living there aren't alone and get help and services without going out. Most provide at least some meals. Others let people choose to cook their own. The best thing to do is call any that your are interested in and ask what they offer and what their charges are. The cost is rarely paid by insurance unless the person has long-term care insurance and can prove a need to move into assisted living.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Can I help my parents to agree on long term care?
It does sound like your parents need AL. Your mom is afraid of the change. Do they have friends in AL? Often visiting others there will get... It does sound like your parents need AL. Your mom is afraid of the change. Do they have friends in AL? Often visiting others there will get people enthused. Try taking them on tours so they can see the socialization and activities available. Let your mom know there are many more options in a nice AL than she has at home. If you can have their church leader or a good friend talk with them, that may help. It's tough to get this moving, but your dad is for it, so use him for all it's worth and push to get it done. Your mom may be unhappy at first, but she'll adjust and will likely grow to enjoy it.
Take care of yourself - it's a rocky road but you'll get there,
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Take care of yourself - it's a rocky road but you'll get there,
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Question
How do you deal with a pushy boss sister-in-law that believes she is Co-POA, not the alternate? She is making...
You are doing your best with a tough situation and loving care. It's sad that this relative is making it so difficult. Your husband has... You are doing your best with a tough situation and loving care. It's sad that this relative is making it so difficult. Your husband has to stand up to this woman or it will just continue. You could see an attorney if it gets too bad, but that will really be a challenge.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What is "division of assets" as it applies to a couple, one of whom needs to go to nursing home?
This would be best answered by an attorney as state laws can enter in. However, if the couple has few assets, and Medicaid gets involved to... This would be best answered by an attorney as state laws can enter in. However, if the couple has few assets, and Medicaid gets involved to pay for the care of the person in the nursing home, they have a formula that lets the spouse keep the house and a car plus a certain part of their income. If there is quite a lot of money involved, and estate attorney or an elder law attorney should be consulted.
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Question
Why do caregivers allow abuse?
You and your deacon said it well. People do not have to put up with abuse. The problem is that guilt enters in. People wonder if it's... You and your deacon said it well. People do not have to put up with abuse. The problem is that guilt enters in. People wonder if it's their fault the elder is acting up (it can be, but generally isn't). They know the elder is sick so they try to be patient. And the biggest reason of all - they are still (unsuccessfully) trying to "earn" their parent's love.
While it's good to be introspective and see if our responses are making our elders' issues worse, when there is actual abuse, or when there is a situation like the deacon's, the appropriate thing is generally to take steps to get into separate living arrangements, and to set boundaries. Many people could use counseling by someone like your deacon who can help them through these tough decisions.
Take care,
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While it's good to be introspective and see if our responses are making our elders' issues worse, when there is actual abuse, or when there is a situation like the deacon's, the appropriate thing is generally to take steps to get into separate living arrangements, and to set boundaries. Many people could use counseling by someone like your deacon who can help them through these tough decisions.
Take care,
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Question
My mother is on Medicaid and has nothing but social security. I found out she has an inheritance that is due h...
I'd talk to an estate attorney. You may need to set up a trust of some sort. You are right that she would lose her Medicaid status... I'd talk to an estate attorney. You may need to set up a trust of some sort. You are right that she would lose her Medicaid status until that money is gone. There may be a way around this, but there may not. Medicaid is for people who have no resources. She would be able to go back on Medicaid after the money is spent. Legal advice is warranted here. Good luck,
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Question
With a POA, would a daughter have to pay medical bills after her mother's death?
Nance is right. The POA is only a document that allows you to sign for your mother and use her accounts for her bills. Once she dies, the... Nance is right. The POA is only a document that allows you to sign for your mother and use her accounts for her bills. Once she dies, the POA is no longer in effect.
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Question
I am becoming very frustrated with living with my mother. What things can I do to cope with these feelings?
Does she have dementia? I'm assuming that she may be thinking she can do things she did in the past because she's in a home... Does she have dementia? I'm assuming that she may be thinking she can do things she did in the past because she's in a home setting.
It's natural to want independence. If she can do these things safely, then try to understand that her losses are overwhelming and she needs to do something to feel worthwhile. If what she chooses to do are things that aren't safe, try asking her to fold clothes or something else helpful but not dangerous.
Not every daughter and aging mother can live harmoniously together, no matter what the issues are. If after trying to understand what is behind her actions, the whole arrangement still stresses you too much, consider assisted living for your mother. Preserving your relationship and your own health are both more important than where your mother lives. She may like having peer interaction and more independence in an ALF, even if she fights it at first. Don't feel guilty. Many people can't do what you are doing and have it work out well.
Good luck sifting through it all.
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It's natural to want independence. If she can do these things safely, then try to understand that her losses are overwhelming and she needs to do something to feel worthwhile. If what she chooses to do are things that aren't safe, try asking her to fold clothes or something else helpful but not dangerous.
Not every daughter and aging mother can live harmoniously together, no matter what the issues are. If after trying to understand what is behind her actions, the whole arrangement still stresses you too much, consider assisted living for your mother. Preserving your relationship and your own health are both more important than where your mother lives. She may like having peer interaction and more independence in an ALF, even if she fights it at first. Don't feel guilty. Many people can't do what you are doing and have it work out well.
Good luck sifting through it all.
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Question
How to decide when to put a young spouse in assisted living, with Alzheimer's, when you are a full time busine...
When you have done all you can, but the arrangement you have no longer works. You must make a living. You must get some rest. You must take... When you have done all you can, but the arrangement you have no longer works. You must make a living. You must get some rest. You must take care of your health for your own sake, but also for your husband's sake. If you get sick, no one can work or be a caregiver. An option for awhile could be adult day care.
But if you feel that your husband is at a point where he can't safely be left while you work, and you've tried whatever other arrangements you think may work but haven't, it's likely time to look for a good ALF with a memory unit. He will have socialization there, which is important for him. I know it's all tougher with a younger person, since so many with AD are older. But your husband could start to wander or have other episodes which could be dangerous to him. Don't feel guilty if you can't handle it all yourself. You are human and can only do so much.
Take care of both of you,
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But if you feel that your husband is at a point where he can't safely be left while you work, and you've tried whatever other arrangements you think may work but haven't, it's likely time to look for a good ALF with a memory unit. He will have socialization there, which is important for him. I know it's all tougher with a younger person, since so many with AD are older. But your husband could start to wander or have other episodes which could be dangerous to him. Don't feel guilty if you can't handle it all yourself. You are human and can only do so much.
Take care of both of you,
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Question
How can I deal with anger and depression associated with Caregiver burnout?
Anyone would feel angry over what you've been through no matter how much love there is. You are human and your life isn't your life... Anyone would feel angry over what you've been through no matter how much love there is. You are human and your life isn't your life anymore, nor has it been for years. I don't know where you live, so I can't comment on nursing homes. In my community they are excellent, but some places they aren't so good. What I want to point out is that if you don't either get full-time in-home care for your mom or get her in a nursing home, your own health will likely be so impacted that there is no way you'll ever enjoy the things you want to do. Think hard. Is this what your mother would want? I doubt it. You both need to understand that you are risking your own health to the point that she could be forced into a nursing home while you are hospitalized or worse. For both of your sakes you need to change this. Please reconsider a nursing home. Check all of them in the area. Find the best one and go for it. Visit as much as possible, but get your life back before you leave your mother childless. I'm not overstating this. Look over the statistics for caregivers. You are seriously at risk. Please get more in-home care so you can travel or better yet find a good nursing home for your mom.
Best wishes. I know this is hard,
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Best wishes. I know this is hard,
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Question
My brother and sister in law kidnapped mom in2008. They moved to another state and never told my sister or I....
I'm so sorry about this mess. Whether you wish to keep fighting legally is your decision. Another attorney may be able to get this... I'm so sorry about this mess. Whether you wish to keep fighting legally is your decision. Another attorney may be able to get this straightened out but it could be expensive. I don't see anyway to fight it but through the courts since it's already been in court. I wish you well. If you give up, at least you know you did all you can. If you keep fighting, I hope you win. Either way, don't blame yourself.
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Question
We bought a house and my mother contributed money for the down payment and insisted that her name go on the mo...
Jeannegibbs put her heart and soul into this answer and gave you good advice. I second it. You are not stuck. You have options. Please... Jeannegibbs put her heart and soul into this answer and gave you good advice. I second it. You are not stuck. You have options. Please consult an elder law attorney about you housing issue. This will work out, but you need some legal advice because of your mom's name on the home. Please do keep us posted. You have been selfless and giving. You can still be caring without taking the whole load on yourself. Your mother needs more care than you can give and it's time for changes.
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Question
How do I help my mom when I have to cope myself, be a mom, work, have a relationship, and take care of me too?
Our parents have a right to make their own decisions - even bad ones - to a point. But if these tantrums are "new" to her health... Our parents have a right to make their own decisions - even bad ones - to a point. But if these tantrums are "new" to her health problems of late, then she should be checked for dementia, as mentioned.
It's possible that she's just so frustrated by her other health issues that she's lashing out. But she may be showing signs of dementia, as well. Either way, you may want to see if social services can do a welfare check. Frankly, I doubt that this would do much beyond make your mother mad, and they may not find that she is so unable to care for herself that they can take action. So much depends on where she lives. Anyway, it's a thought.
Whatever you do, you have to set boundaries for yourself. If she gets verbally abusive, tell her you need to get back to your family and that you'll check with her later. It's hard to do this without feeling guilty, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your family or for your mom. You'll be the sick one.
Detaching from the issues of a cranky elder who is at risk because of poor decisions or health issues is hard. However, if she won't let you get in-home heath caregivers to come in or else move into assisted living, she will be spending time alone. Do what you can to convince her that she needs some paid help or a better living situation. If she absolutely won't do anything, sadly you may have to wait until there is a health crisis to get her more help. The thing is, she's an adult. Unless you get guardianship, she can make her own decisions. Frustrating as heck, I know. Hang in but do take care of yourself. You aren't alone. Please keep checking back for support.
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It's possible that she's just so frustrated by her other health issues that she's lashing out. But she may be showing signs of dementia, as well. Either way, you may want to see if social services can do a welfare check. Frankly, I doubt that this would do much beyond make your mother mad, and they may not find that she is so unable to care for herself that they can take action. So much depends on where she lives. Anyway, it's a thought.
Whatever you do, you have to set boundaries for yourself. If she gets verbally abusive, tell her you need to get back to your family and that you'll check with her later. It's hard to do this without feeling guilty, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your family or for your mom. You'll be the sick one.
Detaching from the issues of a cranky elder who is at risk because of poor decisions or health issues is hard. However, if she won't let you get in-home heath caregivers to come in or else move into assisted living, she will be spending time alone. Do what you can to convince her that she needs some paid help or a better living situation. If she absolutely won't do anything, sadly you may have to wait until there is a health crisis to get her more help. The thing is, she's an adult. Unless you get guardianship, she can make her own decisions. Frustrating as heck, I know. Hang in but do take care of yourself. You aren't alone. Please keep checking back for support.
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Question
My mother had a stroke and has lost speech and paralyzed on right side. How can I get Power of Attorney? She...
Please contact an estate attorney. With your brother's letters and the history of handling your mother's accounts, there must be a... Please contact an estate attorney. With your brother's letters and the history of handling your mother's accounts, there must be a way. A POA is a legal document anyway, and therefore it's best to have legal help. Look in your phone book, or better yet get local referrals, for an estate attorney and then ask how to go about this.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What do you do as a caregiver and no one comes to visit or call your senior?
This is not uncommon as people get to be in their 80s and 90s. They have outlived most of their friends. Many family members,... This is not uncommon as people get to be in their 80s and 90s. They have outlived most of their friends. Many family members, unfortunately, don't understand the value of a note, a card or a visit. They live their lives and don't think about it. I think a kindly written email to the whole family may spur a little action. They likely just figure you are taking care of things (they have no idea what you are dealing with!). They go on their merry way. Not bad people - just not trying too hard to understand the difficulty of your situation and the loneliness of your mother.
One thing to remember - visits are soon forgotten when someone has mid-stage or beyond AD. Even early stages often present as memory loss. The elder looks forward to a visit for a long time, the visit is only for a day or weekend, and then the visitor is gone. Often, so is the memory. While I'd certainly encourage visits, I'd strongly suggest that you underscore the value of cards and notes. Then your mother can read them repeatedly (or you can read them to her). That will mean a lot and will take minimal effort from your family. Do try to explain this without any blame. Good luck,
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One thing to remember - visits are soon forgotten when someone has mid-stage or beyond AD. Even early stages often present as memory loss. The elder looks forward to a visit for a long time, the visit is only for a day or weekend, and then the visitor is gone. Often, so is the memory. While I'd certainly encourage visits, I'd strongly suggest that you underscore the value of cards and notes. Then your mother can read them repeatedly (or you can read them to her). That will mean a lot and will take minimal effort from your family. Do try to explain this without any blame. Good luck,
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Question
Where does one find day care for a loved one who has incontinence?
I hope you live in a large enough area where there are more ADC choices. In my community, some smaller ADCs won't take people who are... I hope you live in a large enough area where there are more ADC choices. In my community, some smaller ADCs won't take people who are incontinent, however since many - and eventually most - people with Alzheimer's disease will eventually be unable to use the bathroom predictably, incontinence is just one more thing to cope with. So many ADCs do take people who are incontinent. I'm so glad your husband enjoyed ADC. Even though many people fight the idea, once they go and find they can socialize, they like it. I hope you can find another one who will take him. If not, please consider in-home care. These caregivers can give you a break and give him some extra company. It's not the same, but it's something.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
When all financials are placed in my name what happens to my husband and the family?
I'm sorry you are losing your husband at such a young age. Hospice care should be covered by his health insurance. You can check, but... I'm sorry you are losing your husband at such a young age. Hospice care should be covered by his health insurance. You can check, but most policies cover hospice care.
There's no need for transferring assets for that reason. But if he qualifies for hospice because he is dying, he needs a will to make it all easier for you after his death. You can contact an estate attorney for that and other advice. There should be many in your phone book. This is simply a matter of taking care of family affairs. A living will and health Power Of Attorney would be helpful, too. You and he should get this done. Many of your assets will already be joint property, but if there are still things in his name only, to avoid costly and long probate (court) holdups, a will is necessary. He could sign off of things putting them in your name if that's his choice. You need to talk with him and set up an appointment with an estate attorney very soon.
Please take care of yourself, too.
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There's no need for transferring assets for that reason. But if he qualifies for hospice because he is dying, he needs a will to make it all easier for you after his death. You can contact an estate attorney for that and other advice. There should be many in your phone book. This is simply a matter of taking care of family affairs. A living will and health Power Of Attorney would be helpful, too. You and he should get this done. Many of your assets will already be joint property, but if there are still things in his name only, to avoid costly and long probate (court) holdups, a will is necessary. He could sign off of things putting them in your name if that's his choice. You need to talk with him and set up an appointment with an estate attorney very soon.
Please take care of yourself, too.
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Question
What kind of care should I expect to give with chemo treatments for a 77-year-old woman?
I wouldn't expect that your mother can do much, and you certainly couldn't expect her to remember the things your dad needs.... I wouldn't expect that your mother can do much, and you certainly couldn't expect her to remember the things your dad needs. Chemotherapy often causes some memory issues ("chemo brain"), as well. You may want to consider hiring an in-home caregiver to go into the home and help them both.
Take care,
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Take care,
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I found a safety deposit key to a box that my whole family thought was emptied. How can we get a look inside?
Good luck,
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