Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What can I do about a disgruntled caregiver who continues to harass my family after we terminated her services...
I'd try blocking emails and ignoring her, as she likely thrives on hurting you and knowing she has. Many people need an audience or... I'd try blocking emails and ignoring her, as she likely thrives on hurting you and knowing she has. Many people need an audience or they burn out and turn their anger elsewhere. However, if you feel threatened in any way, you can turn to law enforcement. I don't think they can do much unless there's an actual threat, however. The alternative is to save the emails, but don't answer them. Then, if she is threatening you in emails, you can give the evidence to law enforcement. Give it some thought, and if you feel you should, talk to an attorney for advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is it common to experience intense grief when a parent has advanced dementia?
Hi Dianne, What you are experiencing is very, very normal. I'm glad you can recognize your grief. Your life has changed dramatically.... Hi Dianne,
What you are experiencing is very, very normal. I'm glad you can recognize your grief. Your life has changed dramatically. You mom has spent the holidays in a nursing home for the first time and couldn't be part of the family Christmas.
You are grieving life as it was. You may even be idealizing the holidays as they were, but that's okay. Not having your mom there is a huge loss and grieving that loss is part of life.
We all grieve differently and at different times. Eventually, you'll likely get so you can treasure the good memories and bear the losses with less grief. But you'll likely have mixed feelings for a long time.
Your mom has the help she needs now and the safety of round the clock care. You've done your best and still are doing your best. Grieve, but don't hang on to any guilt. You'll struggle some but it will gradually become less painful. Take care of yourself, and please come back to check in with us.
Carol see more
What you are experiencing is very, very normal. I'm glad you can recognize your grief. Your life has changed dramatically. You mom has spent the holidays in a nursing home for the first time and couldn't be part of the family Christmas.
You are grieving life as it was. You may even be idealizing the holidays as they were, but that's okay. Not having your mom there is a huge loss and grieving that loss is part of life.
We all grieve differently and at different times. Eventually, you'll likely get so you can treasure the good memories and bear the losses with less grief. But you'll likely have mixed feelings for a long time.
Your mom has the help she needs now and the safety of round the clock care. You've done your best and still are doing your best. Grieve, but don't hang on to any guilt. You'll struggle some but it will gradually become less painful. Take care of yourself, and please come back to check in with us.
Carol see more
Question
What I can do to get my mom into a place that she can afford?
She would likely qualify for subsidized housing because of her SSI. She's pay a portion of her SSI for that. If she's already... She would likely qualify for subsidized housing because of her SSI. She's pay a portion of her SSI for that. If she's already spending her SSI on these other things, then something will have to give. You likely should check with SSI to see what is allowed. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Are Lift Chairs covered by Medicare?
Medicare changes what it covers often enough that you definitely need to check. They may cover a small part of the cost if a doctor... Medicare changes what it covers often enough that you definitely need to check. They may cover a small part of the cost if a doctor "prescribes" one, but that could be a tricky call. All the same, it doesn't hurt to check. Maybe they will cover something.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I have to have surgery on my knee. Mom lives with me and can't take care of herself. Should I ask her to go t...
Yes, respite care! Please! I know your mom just wants to help and that will just make things harder. Having in-home care come in is good,... Yes, respite care! Please! I know your mom just wants to help and that will just make things harder. Having in-home care come in is good, but if you can get her into a respite home for a few weeks, that would be the biggest help. Maybe you can have your doctor or hers explain to her that the biggest help she can be to you is to have others take care of her needs while you get better.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal to feel like crying my eyes out or pulling my hair out?
It's perfectly normal to be upset and even depressed about watching people we love age and get sicker. You seem to be having some... It's perfectly normal to be upset and even depressed about watching people we love age and get sicker. You seem to be having some really heavy responses, so it's very good that you are seeing a doctor. Anti-depressants take time to work and do have side effects. But if one isn't good, another one may work better. Don't give up. It's normal to feel down about these things, but not to stay in an extremely depressed mode. Keep seeing the doctor and look for support. I hope you'll come back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Any ideas for blended 'real food' drinks that will get her the nutrition she needs?
I doubt that the rash is from the ensure drinks, though she could be allergic to an ingredient. It could be medications or something else.... I doubt that the rash is from the ensure drinks, though she could be allergic to an ingredient. It could be medications or something else. With all of her health issues, it could be most anything. It's not surprising she has no appetite.
You'll probably get more ideas from the community here, but one I'd suggest is vanilla yogurt with fruit, protein powder and a good, liquid multiple vitamin mix. Frozen fruit, like strawberries, carry a punch of flavor and nutrients, so they are good. I'd check with the local hospital's dietary department for ideas that are agreeable with your mom's medications, as some foods aren't compatible with some medications.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You'll probably get more ideas from the community here, but one I'd suggest is vanilla yogurt with fruit, protein powder and a good, liquid multiple vitamin mix. Frozen fruit, like strawberries, carry a punch of flavor and nutrients, so they are good. I'd check with the local hospital's dietary department for ideas that are agreeable with your mom's medications, as some foods aren't compatible with some medications.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mother's hand has started to shake while holding a cup, etc. Am I am responsible because of stress in our...
Many things can cause tremors in the hands. It could be medications she's taking or the beginning of a neurological disorder. Or... Many things can cause tremors in the hands. It could be medications she's taking or the beginning of a neurological disorder. Or stress. Or any number of things. She really should see a doctor. I hope you see what you can do about family stress, too, for everyone's sake.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My parents have sold their home but are having difficulty in deciding where to move. How do I help them?
It sounds like they will eventually have spent most of their assets either way, and wound then qualify for Medicaid. My own take would be... It sounds like they will eventually have spent most of their assets either way, and wound then qualify for Medicaid. My own take would be to help them get what they would enjoy now, within reason, of course. However since they already qualify for some Federal programs, you should check with each program to see if they would lose benefits if they don't go to senior housing. If they will, then the decision will be "is it worth losing benefits now for more room and comfort?" That's a very personal decision. I'd check with both programs for more information so you are on solid ground.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can my husband and I take my mother off as a dependent on our tax return?
You should see a CPA who knows the IRS requirements. In general, you'd have to be able to take your mother as a dependent. If you can... You should see a CPA who knows the IRS requirements. In general, you'd have to be able to take your mother as a dependent. If you can do that, then you could take tax deductions. There may be other ways to take deductions, so a specialist is advised. In your case, I'd get right on it because likely there are deductions you can take, but you want to do so legally.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How long can someone live without food or fluid?
Hi Yellowfeever, I'm so sorry for you. By now your mom has likely passed, or she soon will. People can go a long time without food, but... Hi Yellowfeever,
I'm so sorry for you. By now your mom has likely passed, or she soon will. People can go a long time without food, but lack of hydration will take her first. If she's still alive, please call you local hospice. They can tell you that she is in a state where she is not suffering from lack of food or hydration. She is beyond that. You are the one suffering. Please call hospice or another organization like your church, once she's gone, for some grief counseling. You've handled this alone for so long. My deepest sympathy.
Carol see more
I'm so sorry for you. By now your mom has likely passed, or she soon will. People can go a long time without food, but lack of hydration will take her first. If she's still alive, please call you local hospice. They can tell you that she is in a state where she is not suffering from lack of food or hydration. She is beyond that. You are the one suffering. Please call hospice or another organization like your church, once she's gone, for some grief counseling. You've handled this alone for so long. My deepest sympathy.
Carol see more
Question
Any suggestions for a caregiver who feels trapped into caregiving when they want to live their life?
Your mom should qualify financially for Medicaid (Medicare rarely pays for long-term care other than a short run after hospitalization).... Your mom should qualify financially for Medicaid (Medicare rarely pays for long-term care other than a short run after hospitalization). However, with the home in arrears, you may need to contact an elder law attorney to figure out this situation.
Obviously, she is in dire need of financial help. Your local Social Services should be able to help get the paperwork started for Medicaid and eventual nursing home placement. The home is the sticky part. If it could be sold, then that money would be used for her care until it ran out and then she would go on Medicaid. Good luck,
Carol
You have given your all, and now it's time for you to get some help. see more
Obviously, she is in dire need of financial help. Your local Social Services should be able to help get the paperwork started for Medicaid and eventual nursing home placement. The home is the sticky part. If it could be sold, then that money would be used for her care until it ran out and then she would go on Medicaid. Good luck,
Carol
You have given your all, and now it's time for you to get some help. see more
Question
How do I make wise decisions for medical care?
I would find another doctor. She's 95 and he wants tests and surgery when she has no pain? I don't get this at all. Please try to... I would find another doctor. She's 95 and he wants tests and surgery when she has no pain? I don't get this at all. Please try to get her in to a geriatrician who cares for older people. If she has a diagnosis that would suggest possible surgery, though she doesn't want the surgery and it would likely be dangerous for her at her age, then palliative care (comfort care), or hospice care, as mentioned, is a wonderful option. No matter what her prognosis is, this doctor doesn't seem tuned into elderly patients. I'd get her away from him soon.
Take care, and thanks for being so caring!
Carol see more
Take care, and thanks for being so caring!
Carol see more
Question
Will my mom get penalized for the years she was covered under my dad's insurance plan when joining Medicare Pa...
It's not likely that she'll get credit for the years under your Dad's plan, but you can check with Medicare. Unfortunately, she... It's not likely that she'll get credit for the years under your Dad's plan, but you can check with Medicare. Unfortunately, she just missed open enrollment, which is the time people can join without penalty (or make changes). You could ask Medicare if there are any exceptions to this rule and tell them your mother's story. Maybe they can help. The only way to find out is to call and ask. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What is the first thing that needs to be done when a parent has suffered an injury and will not be able to ret...
Bridget is right on with her advice. You can also look at assisted living arrangements. Sometimes the social aspects of a good assisted... Bridget is right on with her advice. You can also look at assisted living arrangements. Sometimes the social aspects of a good assisted living facility are appealing. Each person is different, so exploring different approaches is a good idea.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I convince my elderly mom it is time to move in with me? She resists then agrees.
You're in a tough position. Does she have a religious organization where she trusts someone? I believe it will take a third party to... You're in a tough position. Does she have a religious organization where she trusts someone? I believe it will take a third party to convince her she needs different living arrangements. Maybe she'd be more agreeable to assisted living because she would feel more independent than living with you? Not everyone is suited to living with their children no matter how much love there is. The only way you could force her is if she gets so bad that social services sees her as in danger. It doesn't sound as though she's that bad, yet. You could call your local social services people, but I'd try talking to her about AL and maybe taking tours, or talking to a trusted friend or other third party first. If they approach the matter gently, she may decide she'd like to try another arrangement.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My mom has been moved from an assisted living home to a nursing home, how do I move her things into her room w...
I agree that you need a third party to be the person to tell her - the doctor, a minister or Rabbi, an old friend (if she has one). You... I agree that you need a third party to be the person to tell her - the doctor, a minister or Rabbi, an old friend (if she has one). You need someone to back you up. At least have the administrator of the home be with you and just say this is how it is. Your apartment has been rented to someone else, and we need to move what you want to keep into this room. Normally, I vote for a gentle approach, but this doesn't sound like a time when that will work. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Can Medicare pay if my father-in-law has Parkinson and my has mother in-law has COPD?
Medicare is likely paying for their health insurance. If you are looking at a nursing home, they will probably have to pay the costs... Medicare is likely paying for their health insurance. If you are looking at a nursing home, they will probably have to pay the costs themselves until their assets are nearly gone. Then you will help them with the paperwork to qualify them for Medicaid. If they have very little money, they may qualify now. You can find out through social services.
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Carol see more
Question
Is it elder abuse if my mother-in-law refuses to take her medication?
I'm not sure you can force her to take the meds, but if you can grind them up (check with a pharmacist first) and put them in her food,... I'm not sure you can force her to take the meds, but if you can grind them up (check with a pharmacist first) and put them in her food, you may get them down her. I realize that since you don't live with her, this could be impractical, anyway.
She maybe just doesn't care anymore. Either that, or she forgets what they are for or thinks they aren't important.
She could be a candidate for assisted living, if you can convince her to move. However, if she is doing well the way she is living, you may not be able to do a thing. The POA is for financial issues, but unless you get guardianship, I'm not sure you can force a move. That would likely depend on the state where she lives.
It's frustrating, to say the least, when people we love won't take care of themselves. You may want to ask the doctor for suggestions.
Good luck,
Carol see more
She maybe just doesn't care anymore. Either that, or she forgets what they are for or thinks they aren't important.
She could be a candidate for assisted living, if you can convince her to move. However, if she is doing well the way she is living, you may not be able to do a thing. The POA is for financial issues, but unless you get guardianship, I'm not sure you can force a move. That would likely depend on the state where she lives.
It's frustrating, to say the least, when people we love won't take care of themselves. You may want to ask the doctor for suggestions.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Where does a fellow get support for his wife whose wife seems to be failing?
Good luck and take care of yourself,
Carol see more