Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My mother has had Alzheimer's for about 15 years now, and recently she has begun seeing body parts in her food...
This is one I haven't heard. Hallucinating isn't unusual, and that seems to be the case here. She certainly has found her own way.... This is one I haven't heard. Hallucinating isn't unusual, and that seems to be the case here. She certainly has found her own way. I'd suggest that you contact the doctor right away, as this will affect her ability to eat. Maybe the doctor can prescribe something that will help her. You also may want to suggest that the doctor check the drugs she's already on in case there needs to be an adjustment. If she has any recent med changes, those need to be looked at.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My parents just moved nearby from another state and I want to help my dad whose sugar is often high. What shou...
Jeanne gave a wonderful answer. I'd add that you may want to go to the Diabetes Association site and look for information and even some... Jeanne gave a wonderful answer. I'd add that you may want to go to the Diabetes Association site and look for information and even some contact people. A doctor appointment sounds like a good idea, since he will need one in this locality anyway. Don't wait for an emergency.
Thanks for being so caring,
Carol see more
Thanks for being so caring,
Carol see more
Question
How can you help a 90-year-old who has advancing loss of leg strength and wakes in the morning not being able...
LT gave a good answer. Please check with the doctor. It sounds as if some physical therapy may be needed. There are some therapists who go... LT gave a good answer. Please check with the doctor. It sounds as if some physical therapy may be needed. There are some therapists who go into homes, though you'd have to check your locality. Even if you have to take him out, you may be able to learn the technique so you can do it yourself. Good luck,
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Question
Why do people that are not caregivers, think that they have the right to tell you that you need to appreciate...
I'm so glad you are using this forum to vent your feelings. No one knows what we do until they do it. You'll hear from many,... I'm so glad you are using this forum to vent your feelings. No one knows what we do until they do it. You'll hear from many, I'm sure, on the site. Please keep coming back and reading the posts. You will at least be reminding yourself that you aren't alone.
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Question
What can I do if I see a mental decline in my father-in-law?
If you can't get him to go to a neurologist - some elders think that means "mental health problems" and they resist - try to... If you can't get him to go to a neurologist - some elders think that means "mental health problems" and they resist - try to get him to his regular doctor for a checkup. Any excuse will do, whether it's his blood pressure or something else. Write the doctor a letter in advance stating your concerns. Once he is in front of his doctor, he may be more willing to take advice about seeing a specialist for, um, further information, or something. Coming on too strong about cognitive issues makes many people resist because they are afraid. For some reason, a routine issue can open the door. Not always, but sometimes.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I help my mom with dementia if she only speaks Spanish and can't communicate with her caregivers?
There are pitfalls to hiring a private person to care for your elder in that you probably need to do the background check yourself, and you... There are pitfalls to hiring a private person to care for your elder in that you probably need to do the background check yourself, and you also may need employer's insurance (check with your state). That doesn't mean you shouldn't go this route - just be aware. You may want to check with Catholic Charities for help and advice. Your mother doesn't need to be Catholic. As mentioned, a local college or university nursing department could be a good source. I'd be careful about answering want ads. Do check with each care agency in your local, too, in case some of them specialize in bilingual employees. Good luck. This is a growing problem that needs addressing nationwide.
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Carol see more
Question
What recourse do I have when Social Security wants to cut a third of my pension?
The reason they are doing this is the key factor. They must have decided they made a mistake in granting the pension, but you need to... The reason they are doing this is the key factor. They must have decided they made a mistake in granting the pension, but you need to figure out the reasons. If you don't think it's fair, you can contact an attorney who specializes in Social Security issues - there should be several in your phone book. You may need to schedule an appointment, but it could be worth your while.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
If I am Power of Attorney can I file my grandmothers taxes if she lives in a nursing home?
I'd suggest that you check with a tax expert in your state. Your POA gives you some power, but how much is in question. Please check... I'd suggest that you check with a tax expert in your state. Your POA gives you some power, but how much is in question. Please check with a CPA who knows about elder care issues.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I can control my constant mood swings and irritability with my everyone including my mom?
That's sad about your husband's attitude about a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist would prescribe meds, and then some counseling with a... That's sad about your husband's attitude about a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist would prescribe meds, and then some counseling with a psychologist could help you learn to cope with your situation. There are many anti-depressants you can try, however, and your primary doctor should be able to help you there.
The problem is, you are trying to do more than one person can do. Was your marriage better before your mother came to live with you? If so, then some joint counseling may help, if he'll go. You aren't alone if you regret asking your mother to move in. This works for some people, but not for all. She may be wonderful, but you have to much on your hands. Sorting this out will take time, but if losing your marriage and your health aren't in your plans, you need to make changes.
Your mom may do well in assisted living. That could give you emotional room to work on your marriage and take care of yourself. You would still be her advocate. You would still see her. But your life could come back from the chaos. If you have a religious affiliation, please talk with someone there. You need support badly.
Take care of yourself, please.
Carol see more
The problem is, you are trying to do more than one person can do. Was your marriage better before your mother came to live with you? If so, then some joint counseling may help, if he'll go. You aren't alone if you regret asking your mother to move in. This works for some people, but not for all. She may be wonderful, but you have to much on your hands. Sorting this out will take time, but if losing your marriage and your health aren't in your plans, you need to make changes.
Your mom may do well in assisted living. That could give you emotional room to work on your marriage and take care of yourself. You would still be her advocate. You would still see her. But your life could come back from the chaos. If you have a religious affiliation, please talk with someone there. You need support badly.
Take care of yourself, please.
Carol see more
Question
What happens when an elder is admitted to the hospital with low sodium levels?
The sodium/potassium balance in the blood is vital. My father-in-law was hospitalized because of low potassium balance due to a diuretic he... The sodium/potassium balance in the blood is vital. My father-in-law was hospitalized because of low potassium balance due to a diuretic he took for blood pressure. That is not uncommon. Low sodium is less common, but this could be caused my medications. It is very dangerous so you did the right thing. I'm not saying this was caused by medications, but it's a valid question to ask the doctor. There may need to be an adjustment. UTI infections can cause similar symptoms, so it's good they checked for that as well. She's being taken care of, but finding out the cause is important, so you can watch her.
Keep us posted - this could be more common than we think.
Carol see more
Keep us posted - this could be more common than we think.
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Question
How can I help my mom and still set boundaries with her when we do not get along?
I'm so sorry. This is a tough emotional situation. If it helps - you aren't alone. I think you'll get several people answering... I'm so sorry. This is a tough emotional situation. If it helps - you aren't alone. I think you'll get several people answering you on this.
Learning to set boundaries, detaching from other people's manipulation all while you are trying to help your dad is a tall order. Is it possible for you to get some counseling to help you vent your feelings and to give your strength? Do you belong to a spiritual organization. A leader there may be able to help you. If you belong to a church, they may have trained Stephen Ministers who can listen to you and give you encouragement.
You are trying to do the right thing, and you already know that boundaries are needed in order to deal with your mother and still be around your dad. Support to carry you through can come in many guises. Please keep checking back on Agingcare.com, but also look for caregiving support groups and/or counseling. You will feel better when you get encouragement from other people who have been - or are - in your shoes.
Take care of yourself - that must be your priority. You can't help your dad if your mother gets to you too much.
Carol see more
Learning to set boundaries, detaching from other people's manipulation all while you are trying to help your dad is a tall order. Is it possible for you to get some counseling to help you vent your feelings and to give your strength? Do you belong to a spiritual organization. A leader there may be able to help you. If you belong to a church, they may have trained Stephen Ministers who can listen to you and give you encouragement.
You are trying to do the right thing, and you already know that boundaries are needed in order to deal with your mother and still be around your dad. Support to carry you through can come in many guises. Please keep checking back on Agingcare.com, but also look for caregiving support groups and/or counseling. You will feel better when you get encouragement from other people who have been - or are - in your shoes.
Take care of yourself - that must be your priority. You can't help your dad if your mother gets to you too much.
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Question
What can I do when the guilt of wanting my mom to go to the nursing home is so strong that I am going crazy?
I'm glad you are going to see a psychologist to help you through this. You have done far more than most people could manage. If your... I'm glad you are going to see a psychologist to help you through this. You have done far more than most people could manage. If your health is compromised (which is happening) you may not be able to care for your mom at all. If you get help - which is what nursing homes are for - you can become even a better caregiver, in that you won't be exhausted, resentful (that would be human in your situation), and as you put it - crazy - from all of the stress. Keep reminding yourself that this move is for your mother's sake as well as yours. You will be healthier (and your mom does want that even if she is no longer able to express it), and in a much better place to give her quality company when your visit. You won't be doing all of the hands-on work that can detract from your care.
She doesn't need to go to a hospital to get into a nursing home. Sometimes people think that you can only go from a hospital. Medicare pays for some days in the nursing home if a person goes from the hospital, but not a lot.
It's time that you start looking into a change. Your daughter doesn't need this, your family will suffer and your health is taking a beating. Please drop the unearned guilt, continue to seek professional help, and find a facility that can take your mom. Then, you can visit with pleasure and be good company. You can also have a life with your family.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol see more
She doesn't need to go to a hospital to get into a nursing home. Sometimes people think that you can only go from a hospital. Medicare pays for some days in the nursing home if a person goes from the hospital, but not a lot.
It's time that you start looking into a change. Your daughter doesn't need this, your family will suffer and your health is taking a beating. Please drop the unearned guilt, continue to seek professional help, and find a facility that can take your mom. Then, you can visit with pleasure and be good company. You can also have a life with your family.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol see more
Question
I have been accused of sexual abuse for a 91-year-old patient. Why would this patient accuse me of such a thin...
Of course you are worried! He may believe it happened because his mind is going back to some type of abuse from when he was a child. You... Of course you are worried! He may believe it happened because his mind is going back to some type of abuse from when he was a child. You just happen to be there. But it is important that you find someone to be at your side as this could turn into a legal issue. At the very least, you should be allowed to formally state your case with your supervisor and ask for information on how to protect yourself. Also, you should likely remove yourself from this man's care. Just my thoughts, but it could be prudent. Good luck. This is a scary place to be.
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Question
My mom randomly faints and is out for hours but as soon as I am about to call 911 she awakens. Why is this?
It's good that you involved the doctor in this. Since he doesn't see anything physically wrong, he may have put his finger on the... It's good that you involved the doctor in this. Since he doesn't see anything physically wrong, he may have put his finger on the cause. However, there may be something under all of this. You didn't say if she has dementia or depression, or if there are family issues that make this seem like her personality pointed in this direction all along. If this is unlike her - not wanting to communicate - she maybe could benefit from medical help and medications. If this is her way of manipulation, but she is fairly healthy, you may just have to play her game and detach emotionally from what she's doing. Don't take it personally - that's hard, I know. But detaching from games can save our sanity.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My 94-year-old husband has been in the same clothes five days. How do I get him to change and take a bath?
Hi Tiger1, This is a very common, but frustrating, problem with AD. Either your husband has some fears of bathing or just doesn't see... Hi Tiger1,
This is a very common, but frustrating, problem with AD. Either your husband has some fears of bathing or just doesn't see the point. As you know, logic doesn't go very far. As I see it, you have two choices. One is to hire in-home care. Sometimes people will bathe for a person who seems like a "nurse" or something - my mother-in-law was like that. She wouldn't bathe for family, but when we hired an in-home care agency to send someone once a week, she'd (grudgingly) do it.
I do think you need to start looking for a facility. You aren't a kid anymore and there's only so much you can take before your own health is shot. You need to get some sleep. In many ways, you can "be there" more for your husband if you are rested and get a reprieve, which you'd have if you had him in a good care center. That can be a nursing home or a memory unit in assisted living. At the very least, please start to look around at this option. You won't help him if you are sick or become incapacitated.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
This is a very common, but frustrating, problem with AD. Either your husband has some fears of bathing or just doesn't see the point. As you know, logic doesn't go very far. As I see it, you have two choices. One is to hire in-home care. Sometimes people will bathe for a person who seems like a "nurse" or something - my mother-in-law was like that. She wouldn't bathe for family, but when we hired an in-home care agency to send someone once a week, she'd (grudgingly) do it.
I do think you need to start looking for a facility. You aren't a kid anymore and there's only so much you can take before your own health is shot. You need to get some sleep. In many ways, you can "be there" more for your husband if you are rested and get a reprieve, which you'd have if you had him in a good care center. That can be a nursing home or a memory unit in assisted living. At the very least, please start to look around at this option. You won't help him if you are sick or become incapacitated.
Take care of yourself,
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Question
Has anyone hired companions through health care agencies to visit loved ones in the nursing home?
Hi Maryann, First of all, if your mom is on hospice and she improves, she can go off. That happens frequently. So you aren't boxed in. ... Hi Maryann,
First of all, if your mom is on hospice and she improves, she can go off. That happens frequently. So you aren't boxed in.
Anyway, certainly you can hire someone to work with her in the nursing home. It may not be covered by any insurance, but it's worth a try. In-home agencies often don't offer medical services, but they do offer companionship. You can also check with your mother's church if she has one. If they offer Stephen Ministers, they are trained to visit with elders with issues. That would be some "free" time for you, though you may want to hire more. Do what you can - maybe she'll come out of this. But if she gets worse, please do consider hospice.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
First of all, if your mom is on hospice and she improves, she can go off. That happens frequently. So you aren't boxed in.
Anyway, certainly you can hire someone to work with her in the nursing home. It may not be covered by any insurance, but it's worth a try. In-home agencies often don't offer medical services, but they do offer companionship. You can also check with your mother's church if she has one. If they offer Stephen Ministers, they are trained to visit with elders with issues. That would be some "free" time for you, though you may want to hire more. Do what you can - maybe she'll come out of this. But if she gets worse, please do consider hospice.
Take care of yourself,
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Question
My dad was fine before surgery and now they are drugging him and wont let him out. What can I do?
My dad came out of surgery with severe dementia - it wasn't AD, but it was, unfortunately, not reversible. I'm just so sad for you... My dad came out of surgery with severe dementia - it wasn't AD, but it was, unfortunately, not reversible. I'm just so sad for you because I can relate to your anger and fear for your dad. I'd contact the long-term care ombudsman to see what kind of changes you can make in his care. At least you'd have someone who knows the ropes. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and put in the Zip code of the home he's in. You'll get a contact who should be able to help you. Maybe you can get him transferred to another home if he's not able to be at his own. Too many drugs aren't good. Some are often needed, but this sounds like it's not a good approach. work closely with his doctor, as well.
Take care - we know how awful this is for you.
Carol see more
Take care - we know how awful this is for you.
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Question
Happy Holidays everyone! Did you sing or put music on for your loved one?
I found music was one of the few things my dad could enjoy (his dementia was caused by a failed brain surgery). However, I've seen... I found music was one of the few things my dad could enjoy (his dementia was caused by a failed brain surgery). However, I've seen music soothe, rejuvenate or simply comfort people with all kinds of dementia. I've seen singer Glen Campbell at on TV lately, and you can see the cognitive decline, but when people start singing his music (in tribute), you can tell from the expression on his face and the movements of his mouth and eyes that the music will remain a long time after most other things are gone. Blessings to you, my friend. You are right on target.
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Question
Why does my dad want to go to bed right after he wakes up?
He could be depressed, but it's possible that he feels safe knowing where he is and what he's supposed to do (go to bed, read the... He could be depressed, but it's possible that he feels safe knowing where he is and what he's supposed to do (go to bed, read the newspaper). I'd talk to the doctor about it, though, because he seems to sleep a lot, and there may be room for an adjustment in his medications. If his health is quite good other than dementia, this is a bit off unless he's in later stages. A call to the doctor seems to be in order.
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My mom has Alzheimer's and thinks my deceased fathers is coming into her room at night. What Alzheimer's stage...
Take care of yourself,
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