Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I get my sisters to believe that our mom has been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia?
RLP gave excellent advice. It's sad that so many sibling relationships fall apart over elder care, but it happens often. If your... RLP gave excellent advice. It's sad that so many sibling relationships fall apart over elder care, but it happens often. If your sisters can't be kinder about it, all you can do is tell your mother that you love them but they and you disagree about some things. Tell her you are working on making it a better relationship (when she presses). Otherwise, as RLP said, tell her you love her and that all you want is for her to be healthy and happy. The doctor and attorney should be contacted soon before your mother becomes more impaired. Good luck. We know this is tough.
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Question
My mom is on HUD housing and they told her that the money she has from the sale of the house can't be given to...
Her health care would seem to be the place they'd want to put it, but I'd advise you to ask directly who you should talk with so... Her health care would seem to be the place they'd want to put it, but I'd advise you to ask directly who you should talk with so that you make the correct decisions. You can check with your state website to see what they have to offer for advice or start with the HUD website. You may even want to consult an elder law attorney for a one time fee, though I'd think HUD could offer you the right contacts. Good luck. It's always confusing and sometimes frightening to be faced with these decisions. Keep good records and continue to be cautious about how you can legally use her money.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How can my sister and I figure out the safest and most cost effective living arrangements for my parents?
Hi Carol, Unfortunately, aging parents come between more siblings than nearly anything else. I hope this doesn't do permanent damage to... Hi Carol,
Unfortunately, aging parents come between more siblings than nearly anything else. I hope this doesn't do permanent damage to your relations with your sister. Communication with your parents as well as your sister is vital.
The cost of in-home care 24/7 will likely exceed assisted living. Also, assisted living would give your parents a lot of social options which remaining in their home may not. So much depends on how much care they need and how much they do other than sit around vegetating. If they have a social life and manage well with your help and some in-home care, that may be the best option. If they rarely do anything with their peers, they may do better getting involved with the activities in a good assisted living center. If either of them needs constant attention, then you may be looking at 24/7 in-home care of a nursing home for whoever is that sick. So, there are no clear-cut answers. Each case is different. Another thing to consider is their home’s setup – can they stay there if there is an emergency and they can’t climb stairs? Can they safely bathe?
Maybe you and your sister can compromise for a little longer. You can bring in more in-home care for more hours while you tour assisted living facilities together. Bring your parents along. They will likely complain, but many people love the safety and the activity of assisted living once they get over the mindset that their home is the only option. Others prefer to have in-home care and stay at home with company coming in. Communication with your parents and your sister is important.
Good luck - this is a bumpy road.
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Unfortunately, aging parents come between more siblings than nearly anything else. I hope this doesn't do permanent damage to your relations with your sister. Communication with your parents as well as your sister is vital.
The cost of in-home care 24/7 will likely exceed assisted living. Also, assisted living would give your parents a lot of social options which remaining in their home may not. So much depends on how much care they need and how much they do other than sit around vegetating. If they have a social life and manage well with your help and some in-home care, that may be the best option. If they rarely do anything with their peers, they may do better getting involved with the activities in a good assisted living center. If either of them needs constant attention, then you may be looking at 24/7 in-home care of a nursing home for whoever is that sick. So, there are no clear-cut answers. Each case is different. Another thing to consider is their home’s setup – can they stay there if there is an emergency and they can’t climb stairs? Can they safely bathe?
Maybe you and your sister can compromise for a little longer. You can bring in more in-home care for more hours while you tour assisted living facilities together. Bring your parents along. They will likely complain, but many people love the safety and the activity of assisted living once they get over the mindset that their home is the only option. Others prefer to have in-home care and stay at home with company coming in. Communication with your parents and your sister is important.
Good luck - this is a bumpy road.
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Question
How can I get my mom to go into assisted living when she is a hoarder and will not give up her things?
You are doing what is best, though it's not easy. Please don't feel guilty. Eventually she will have to be removed from her... You are doing what is best, though it's not easy. Please don't feel guilty. Eventually she will have to be removed from her belongings. Try to figure out what is most important to her. Hoarding is a sickness, too. If you can remember that her she seems mentally ill beside having AD, it may help you keep a compassionate nature, but you can't let this destroy you either. It would be nice if your siblings could at least help you by offering emotional support. You can't do this alone. You may want to contact the Alzheimer's organization in your community for more support and ideas.
Take care and let us know how you are doing,
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Take care and let us know how you are doing,
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Question
Does a long term care policy basically pay for all of the nursing home expenses and nothing more?
I'm not sure whether not for profit or for profit will matter until her benefits and assets run out, but if you see this being a very... I'm not sure whether not for profit or for profit will matter until her benefits and assets run out, but if you see this being a very long term arrangement, you may want to try to find a good non-profit home simply because in most states they need to provide a certain number of beds for Medicaid patients. I believe that for profits, in most states, wouldn't have to offer Medicaid beds. You'd have a harder time finding her a bed when you were in a crunch, than if you moved her while she is still private pay. I'm not saying you need to do this right now, but keep it in mind. Each LTC policy is different. It sounds like your mom has a fairly decent one. Crunch the numbers and start looking for a good non-profit home so you have options. Either way, she'll pay her share until she runs out of money. You just want to know she has a good home if she goes through all of her insurance and assets and needs Medicaid to step in to pay for her care.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My father is being forgetful and starting to get confused. What can I do if I asked to take him to the doctor...
I wouldn't talk to him about his confusion - just suggest that his diabetes may need more attention, and you'd like his doctor to... I wouldn't talk to him about his confusion - just suggest that his diabetes may need more attention, and you'd like his doctor to test him. Get an appointment and then write a letter to the doctor alerting him or her ahead of time about the confusion. What you are dealing with is a common problem. The adult child or spouse see the need for help. Even the elder sees something is wrong - but fear keep them for getting help. Finding a reason other than the mental confusion can often get the person to some kind of doctor. Then - the doctor can generally take it from there. Notifying the doctor about the confusion will help make the appointment go more smoothly (we hope).
Carol
Good luck,
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Carol
Good luck,
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Question
I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?
Your decision isn't the problem. Yes, she is surrounded by new germs - the hospital is worse when it comes to that. But your mom is too... Your decision isn't the problem. Yes, she is surrounded by new germs - the hospital is worse when it comes to that. But your mom is too sick for one person to care for her.
You will do her more good by staying healthy and doing what you can for her in the current situation that by trying to take her home - sick as she is - and getting sick yourself. Nearly all of us have these guilty feelings. It's natural and normal. But you are getting her the help she needs. She is very sick and would not likely do better at home.
You can't sacrifice yourself - she would not want that, believe me. You are doing what needs to be done. Be at her side when you can, work with the doctors and staff, and then understand that if she got sicker at home, you blame yourself for that. Caregivers second guess themselves constantly - it's the name of the game. Please take care of yourself, for her as well as for you.
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You will do her more good by staying healthy and doing what you can for her in the current situation that by trying to take her home - sick as she is - and getting sick yourself. Nearly all of us have these guilty feelings. It's natural and normal. But you are getting her the help she needs. She is very sick and would not likely do better at home.
You can't sacrifice yourself - she would not want that, believe me. You are doing what needs to be done. Be at her side when you can, work with the doctors and staff, and then understand that if she got sicker at home, you blame yourself for that. Caregivers second guess themselves constantly - it's the name of the game. Please take care of yourself, for her as well as for you.
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Question
My father is being kicked out of his nursing home. Who can I contact to help?
Go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. You should get a contact person there who can help you with... Go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. You should get a contact person there who can help you with this problem.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
Can I be forced to care for a parent?
I agree with Jeannegibbs, you've done more than your share. Your dad is now on Medicaid and you don't have the financial, physical... I agree with Jeannegibbs, you've done more than your share. Your dad is now on Medicaid and you don't have the financial, physical or emotional resources to take care of him again. If you find you keep worrying about this, you may want to check with the ombudsman for the nursing home. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the home. The contact person should be able to answer your questions.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Can a senior citizen who pays for a home care aid write off any of this on a tax return?
I'd check with a CPA. It would depend on the type of home care, I assume, and if it's prescribed by a doctor. A tax expert should... I'd check with a CPA. It would depend on the type of home care, I assume, and if it's prescribed by a doctor. A tax expert should be able to advise you, as these things change each year. I hope you can, but I'm afraid not. However, I am not qualified to tell you. It may even make a difference where you live, so please get tax advice from someone certified.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
How do you deal with an elder who is accusing family members of sexual misconduct?
"Tired" gave you good advice. This is likely a sign of a form of dementia. It could by Lewy body or some form other than... "Tired" gave you good advice. This is likely a sign of a form of dementia. It could by Lewy body or some form other than Alzheimer's, though it could be AD. It could also be an infection or a reaction of a medication, or a form of personality disorder or other mental illness. He needs to see a doctor, though he likely shouldn't be told that this is the reason. Perhaps his blood pressure or a regular physical or something could be used for a reason. Then the doctor could be alerted ahead of time by letter about the real issue.
Sometimes people do have to stop seeing the person making the accusations, and let other family members take over. It's a horrible position to be in, but it happens more frequently than one would think. He needs medical help for sure.
Distracting and "forgetting" the incidence (not agreeing and not arguing) is best. This is so painful for the family, but medical intervention should help.
Please check back in with us so we know how this is going.
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Sometimes people do have to stop seeing the person making the accusations, and let other family members take over. It's a horrible position to be in, but it happens more frequently than one would think. He needs medical help for sure.
Distracting and "forgetting" the incidence (not agreeing and not arguing) is best. This is so painful for the family, but medical intervention should help.
Please check back in with us so we know how this is going.
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Question
My mom cannot afford supplemental insurance. What happens if she cannot afford her insurance bills?
You should call her local social services office and get her started in qualifying for Medicaid. She has no assets to speak of, so she... You should call her local social services office and get her started in qualifying for Medicaid. She has no assets to speak of, so she should qualify. Medicaid will then use her money and then pay the remainder of her care (in most states). Medicaid is a little different in each state, but you best options is to call social services and explain her situation. They should be able to get the process for Medicaid eligibility started. There's a lot of paperwork, but it's necessary.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
Does dementia come and go at first?
Often, yes. It's not clear cut, just as stages of dementia aren't clear cut. Some days are better than others. If you notice... Often, yes. It's not clear cut, just as stages of dementia aren't clear cut. Some days are better than others. If you notice symptoms from time to time, then think about sleep patterns, medications, stress and other things that could cause these symptoms. If the person is diagnosed with dementia, the situations mentioned above could make it worse.
With dementia, it isn't like a person is just fine one day and the next day they have dementia. It develops slowly and therefore may at first show signs only at certain times. Be sure to talk to a doctor about this.
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With dementia, it isn't like a person is just fine one day and the next day they have dementia. It develops slowly and therefore may at first show signs only at certain times. Be sure to talk to a doctor about this.
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Question
Where can I turn if I feel like I am at the end of my rope?
You may have to get the court orders if you feel this is out of control. Incompetency is hard to prove, however. You could try to have... You may have to get the court orders if you feel this is out of control. Incompetency is hard to prove, however. You could try to have social services do a welfare check on them and see if they can get your mom to a doctor. Sometimes, unless you are able to prove incompetency, there isn't much you can do to help. Apparently you other sibling or siblings aren't helping either, so you've got a challenge.
Take care of yourself, too.
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Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
If an Alzheimer's patient is in a behavioral unit at the hospital, is it best to not visit so that you do not...
I'm sorry for both of you. This is tough stuff. I think you should ask them directly. In most cases, I'd say you should visit, but... I'm sorry for both of you. This is tough stuff.
I think you should ask them directly. In most cases, I'd say you should visit, but this may be a case where the medical people don't think that's best. I've always thought that the most reassuring thing is for the person to see you, but I don't know what his trigger was that made his behavior go off track. Please ask directly what they feel is best.
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I think you should ask them directly. In most cases, I'd say you should visit, but this may be a case where the medical people don't think that's best. I've always thought that the most reassuring thing is for the person to see you, but I don't know what his trigger was that made his behavior go off track. Please ask directly what they feel is best.
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Question
Anyone have experience with a nursing home redirecting Social Security payments?
I'm so sorry. It's scary to be caught between the nursing home, Social Security and Medicaid without everything in place. Try the... I'm so sorry. It's scary to be caught between the nursing home, Social Security and Medicaid without everything in place. Try the LTC ombudsman for the Nursing home. Either go online to the state website or go to www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code and you'll get the contact information. They know how to cope with these things. Good luck,
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Question
How can I get my father out of a dementia specialty hospital?
Hospitalizations often have a negative effect on elders, mentally. Do you have a Power Of Attorney for health care (Health Directive)? You... Hospitalizations often have a negative effect on elders, mentally. Do you have a Power Of Attorney for health care (Health Directive)? You should be able to get him out. I don't see how they can keep him without his consent, which you can give for him if you have the health directive. If you don't, you may have more of a battle. He still may have to stay the 23 days, but after that it seems odd that they could keep him against his will. Try talking with his doctor directly. Good luck,
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Question
My mom won't eat or drink and she can't get out of bed. How can I help her if all she want's to do is die?
Jeannegibbs is right on, as usual. I'm so sorry - you are right to be worried. My first thought was does she have a terminal disease?... Jeannegibbs is right on, as usual. I'm so sorry - you are right to be worried.
My first thought was does she have a terminal disease? If so, hospice would keep her comfortable. If not, depression may be at the source. Undiagnosed infections and other issues could cause this. She needs to be seen by a doctor to determine what is going on, if no one has diagnosed a terminal illness. Please try to get her seen soon.
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My first thought was does she have a terminal disease? If so, hospice would keep her comfortable. If not, depression may be at the source. Undiagnosed infections and other issues could cause this. She needs to be seen by a doctor to determine what is going on, if no one has diagnosed a terminal illness. Please try to get her seen soon.
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Question
When should we start the Medicaid application if my mother-in-law has 1 year left on her LTC policy?
I'd check with facilities very soon to see which ones accept Medicaid. You'll want her situated in her new home when her LTC policy... I'd check with facilities very soon to see which ones accept Medicaid. You'll want her situated in her new home when her LTC policy ends. Most LTC policies pay nursing homes, I'd suggest you get the move figured out soon. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with the full cost where she is until you can find a place.
In general, six months should be enough to get Medicaid in place, but paperwork has been known to be slow. So much depends on where she lives. Most of the time $2000 in assets qualities a person for Medicaid. You may want to contact Social Services for advice on when to start.
Take care,
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In general, six months should be enough to get Medicaid in place, but paperwork has been known to be slow. So much depends on where she lives. Most of the time $2000 in assets qualities a person for Medicaid. You may want to contact Social Services for advice on when to start.
Take care,
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How can I tell if my dad is getting better or worse from the chemo or cancer?
Take care and please let us know how it goes,
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