Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How to talk with my parents before they need long term care?
One thing I often recommend is to get your own POA and such in order or make plans to. Then let her know what you are doing saying that you... One thing I often recommend is to get your own POA and such in order or make plans to. Then let her know what you are doing saying that you don't want your family to have problems handing your affairs if something happens to you. She is likely to say, "maybe I should go with and do the same." If she doesn't bite, you can be more aggressive and say, "Mom, we want to be able to make financial and health decisions for you if you get sick. The new laws are such that we won't be able to do a thing without the proper paperwork. Can we get that done?" During this time, she may be more open to discussion about what kind of care she'd like should she have a stroke or something and need more care. This is never easy - I'm amazed that the family has gone this long without a discussion. Your mom must be exceptional! That's good - but no one lives forever.
This is important to the whole family. Try to let her know you'll all have more peace of mind if you get this done.
Good luck,
Carol see more
This is important to the whole family. Try to let her know you'll all have more peace of mind if you get this done.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What should I do when I was accused by an elder I was a caring for?
I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this. If he gave you a loan, you should be able to prove that amount, so if he's saying... I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this. If he gave you a loan, you should be able to prove that amount, so if he's saying you took more, then that may be a provable lie. He likely doesn't remember it all the way it went, but you are the one in trouble. I assume you had legal counsel. That's really the only way to straighten this out.
Good luck. You've had a rough time. I hope you get this taken care of properly.
Carol see more
Good luck. You've had a rough time. I hope you get this taken care of properly.
Carol see more
Question
Should I tell my mom on the phone that she's in denial of her dementia symptoms?
I’m so sorry. With your disability, this is even worse than for most people. But, personally, I think your mom is in danger of wandering... I’m so sorry. With your disability, this is even worse than for most people. But, personally, I think your mom is in danger of wandering off. It’s possible social services could do a welfare check and then they could help you get her to accept help. However, they may not have concrete evidence just based on a visit.
Your mom sounds pretty far into her dementia. She will need help whether she wants it or not. You obviously can't go and live with her. She won't take help in her home, and 24/7 in-home care is very expensive. But it's that or assisted living, if she is to remain safe. At least that's my take. I wouldn't do this on the phone. You said it’s hard for you to get there, but you may have to do it once. Your sister and you should come up with some sort of plan together. If she has a spiritual leader or good friend she trusts, involve that person in the “intervention.” If you can, you may want to take your mom to tour facilities. If not, you may just have to swoop in and move her. I'm not generally in favor of forcing these issues, but when you say she goes out looking for people, that's really a red flag. This isn’t going to be easy, but it will be horrible if you find she’s wandered out at night and gotten lost – or is found dead. This happens, I’m sorry to say. Please try to get your sister and whoever else can help onboard and do what you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your mom sounds pretty far into her dementia. She will need help whether she wants it or not. You obviously can't go and live with her. She won't take help in her home, and 24/7 in-home care is very expensive. But it's that or assisted living, if she is to remain safe. At least that's my take. I wouldn't do this on the phone. You said it’s hard for you to get there, but you may have to do it once. Your sister and you should come up with some sort of plan together. If she has a spiritual leader or good friend she trusts, involve that person in the “intervention.” If you can, you may want to take your mom to tour facilities. If not, you may just have to swoop in and move her. I'm not generally in favor of forcing these issues, but when you say she goes out looking for people, that's really a red flag. This isn’t going to be easy, but it will be horrible if you find she’s wandered out at night and gotten lost – or is found dead. This happens, I’m sorry to say. Please try to get your sister and whoever else can help onboard and do what you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Suppose you don't want to change a thing on your Medicare Enrollment Plan? Do you still have to fill out somet...
Ross gave a great answer. However, the simple answer is no you don't have to do anything if you want things to remain the same.... Ross gave a great answer. However, the simple answer is no you don't have to do anything if you want things to remain the same. Checking it all out, as Ross says, is good. But if you are happy the way things are, then you don't need to sign any forms.
take care,
Carol see more
take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are the benefits to being a caregiver?
The benefits are there, if you don't let caregiving become your whole life. Because we're human, we often don't see the... The benefits are there, if you don't let caregiving become your whole life. Because we're human, we often don't see the benefits until it's over. Then we look back and think, "I'm glad I did what I could."
The key is to avoid becoming resentful, and that means setting some boundaries. Decide how much you can give long-term. Get help where you need it - hired or other family members. Understand that you have limits, but that you want to make their lives easier, and that you want them to know you love them. Making another person feel loved comes back to you. Remember that you can still be a caregiver, even if you get outside help or they eventually go to a nursing home. They will still need an advocate and loving family members. So, the benefits are there, but they are often elusive during the hard times. Try to get time away to appreciate from a distance all that you are doing.
Good luck. You sound like a good person.
Carol see more
The key is to avoid becoming resentful, and that means setting some boundaries. Decide how much you can give long-term. Get help where you need it - hired or other family members. Understand that you have limits, but that you want to make their lives easier, and that you want them to know you love them. Making another person feel loved comes back to you. Remember that you can still be a caregiver, even if you get outside help or they eventually go to a nursing home. They will still need an advocate and loving family members. So, the benefits are there, but they are often elusive during the hard times. Try to get time away to appreciate from a distance all that you are doing.
Good luck. You sound like a good person.
Carol see more
Question
My mother's entire personality changes when my siblings visit and she drinks. How can I get her to not drink w...
Ah, this is so common. They are in complete denial over your mother's condition. If you mom is like my parents were, and I expect she... Ah, this is so common. They are in complete denial over your mother's condition. If you mom is like my parents were, and I expect she is, she gets pumped up over the idea that they are visiting, so she acts "better" than she is. She can only maintain this for a short time. They leave and you are left with an exhausted mom in worse condition that when they came. However, they leave thinking you are overstating her condition. It happens all of the time.
If you use tact in passing this information on to them - not blaming them, but telling them that she tries so hard to be like she was - cooking for them and being mom - that they can't possibly see the effects after she goes. Of course, if they stayed around longer they'd see that she can't keep it up, but suggesting that could cause the drama you wisely want to avoid.
You can let them know that the doctor doesn't think drinking is good for her - that it could even put her at risk for more health problems. You may want to get the doctor in on this. I'm sure you'd get cooperation. You could also ask her doctor to write a note suggesting that your mom take it easier and not cook and try to do so much.
As I said - it's denial on the part of your siblings. They don't want to accept their mom's aging. But they must. So some gentle reminders with medical backing could help. Take care. This is a hard issue to address, but you aren't alone in it.
Carol see more
If you use tact in passing this information on to them - not blaming them, but telling them that she tries so hard to be like she was - cooking for them and being mom - that they can't possibly see the effects after she goes. Of course, if they stayed around longer they'd see that she can't keep it up, but suggesting that could cause the drama you wisely want to avoid.
You can let them know that the doctor doesn't think drinking is good for her - that it could even put her at risk for more health problems. You may want to get the doctor in on this. I'm sure you'd get cooperation. You could also ask her doctor to write a note suggesting that your mom take it easier and not cook and try to do so much.
As I said - it's denial on the part of your siblings. They don't want to accept their mom's aging. But they must. So some gentle reminders with medical backing could help. Take care. This is a hard issue to address, but you aren't alone in it.
Carol see more
Question
What is the best type of nanny camera to install for my mother-in-laws care?
The newer nanny cams have smaller cameras - obviously for your purpose, the smaller the camera the better. You'd likely want something... The newer nanny cams have smaller cameras - obviously for your purpose, the smaller the camera the better. You'd likely want something that records, as well. I don't know which brand is best, so I'm hoping some others on the site may have recommendations. Anyone know about these?
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Carol see more
Question
My mom is losing her memory and her body and health are failing. The doctors say there is nothing they can do....
Have you found a doctor who is willing to look at all of her medications and see if she needs them all? Sometimes there are interactions... Have you found a doctor who is willing to look at all of her medications and see if she needs them all? Sometimes there are interactions with the drugs that make people worse. A geriatrician (a doctor who specializes in aging folks) is ideal.
It's hard to accept (for us, as adult children and caregivers) that sometimes people just get tired of living because they are tired of all of the losses they endure. Then, depression can set in, and they seem to just exist. Please don't blame yourself - you are a loving son. You are doing your best. Try to have her seen by a geriatrician if you can, for one more opinion.
You may want to look at counseling for yourself to help you cope. You and your wife have given so much, and your mother doesn't want to see this affect your marriage. There comes a time when self-care and marriage care must be up there with our eldercare. It's important for everyone that you find a balance.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
It's hard to accept (for us, as adult children and caregivers) that sometimes people just get tired of living because they are tired of all of the losses they endure. Then, depression can set in, and they seem to just exist. Please don't blame yourself - you are a loving son. You are doing your best. Try to have her seen by a geriatrician if you can, for one more opinion.
You may want to look at counseling for yourself to help you cope. You and your wife have given so much, and your mother doesn't want to see this affect your marriage. There comes a time when self-care and marriage care must be up there with our eldercare. It's important for everyone that you find a balance.
Please update us when you can,
Carol see more
Question
My father has 7 adult children and no one is designated Power of Attorney. Can one of his children just take o...
Your dad should get someone in charge with a Power Of Attorney for finances and a health directive for his health care. You may be able to... Your dad should get someone in charge with a Power Of Attorney for finances and a health directive for his health care. You may be able to place him in a home, but someone needs to pay the bills for your dad if he can't. That generally takes a POA. Please try to get something in place. People can put done 1st and 2nd POA, so there is someone in charge if the first person can't do the job.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I find in home assistance and transportation for my aunt when she only has Medicaid and Medicare?
Medicaid may be able to provide some in-home assistance. Sometimes this can include cooking. Meals-on-wheels delivers meals in most larger... Medicaid may be able to provide some in-home assistance. Sometimes this can include cooking. Meals-on-wheels delivers meals in most larger communties. You can find them through a local senior center or social services. Transportation can be sometimes provided by in-home care, as well.
Check with Medicaid and see what they can offer in the line of help. Also, check with your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program, which you can find online on your state's website. Type "aging" in the search box - that should lead you to some links.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Check with Medicaid and see what they can offer in the line of help. Also, check with your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program, which you can find online on your state's website. Type "aging" in the search box - that should lead you to some links.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I change the home health agency my sister has hired to care for my mom while she has Power of Attorney?
Hi msinita, That's part of what agingcare.com does - maybe the biggest part - is allow people to vent. Often we find our own solutions... Hi msinita,
That's part of what agingcare.com does - maybe the biggest part - is allow people to vent. Often we find our own solutions while we talk or write about the problem. It sounds like you've got a mess, which is so sad as everything from your end and your daughters part is so well intentioned.
You may have to just get your daughter and let your sister with the POA deal with the result. I'm sure this is hard for you all, because you want to care for your mom. But you can't let this destroy you and your daughter, too.
Please take care of yourself - detach with love. Sometimes it's all you can do.
Carol see more
That's part of what agingcare.com does - maybe the biggest part - is allow people to vent. Often we find our own solutions while we talk or write about the problem. It sounds like you've got a mess, which is so sad as everything from your end and your daughters part is so well intentioned.
You may have to just get your daughter and let your sister with the POA deal with the result. I'm sure this is hard for you all, because you want to care for your mom. But you can't let this destroy you and your daughter, too.
Please take care of yourself - detach with love. Sometimes it's all you can do.
Carol see more
Question
What should I do if I am caring for an elderly who verbally abuses me?
Soverytired said it perfectly. This is not just for people who care for their elders. Many caregivers on agingcare.com are taking care of... Soverytired said it perfectly. This is not just for people who care for their elders. Many caregivers on agingcare.com are taking care of spouses, other relatives - even adult children.
Detaching with love, as mentioned, is a big step. So is counseling. One article that may help can be found at: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Elders-Abusing-Their-Adult-Children-Who-Are-Taking-Care-of-Them-137122.htm
Please take care of yourself in this relationship. You have your rights.
Carol see more
Detaching with love, as mentioned, is a big step. So is counseling. One article that may help can be found at: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Elders-Abusing-Their-Adult-Children-Who-Are-Taking-Care-of-Them-137122.htm
Please take care of yourself in this relationship. You have your rights.
Carol see more
Question
Who is responsible for the expenses from my grandfather's surgery if he cannot afford it and I am his financia...
Mariesmom gave you good advice. You may want to check with the attorney who prepared the POA. Also, because of the nursing home's... Mariesmom gave you good advice. You may want to check with the attorney who prepared the POA. Also, because of the nursing home's demands, you may want to contact the LTC ombudsman for his area. Go to your state website or go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code. This person can help guide you.
I, too, am not an attorney, and state laws vary, but I can't imagine that you could be responsible for anything financially. You will need to pay what he can pay out of his funds and then try to get him on Medicaid. That is care for those who have used their assets up and they then take over nursing home payments. The social services office where he lives can help you with that.
Good luck. It's too bad it had to get this bad before you could take over. Try to rest easy and take it a step at a time. It will cost you time, but it shouldn't cost you money.
Carol see more
I, too, am not an attorney, and state laws vary, but I can't imagine that you could be responsible for anything financially. You will need to pay what he can pay out of his funds and then try to get him on Medicaid. That is care for those who have used their assets up and they then take over nursing home payments. The social services office where he lives can help you with that.
Good luck. It's too bad it had to get this bad before you could take over. Try to rest easy and take it a step at a time. It will cost you time, but it shouldn't cost you money.
Carol see more
Question
How do I prepare for my elderly parent coming to live with me today?
Hi Bonnie, First and foremost, if this doesn't work out, you are still honoring the spirit of your promise. We shouldn't promise... Hi Bonnie,
First and foremost, if this doesn't work out, you are still honoring the spirit of your promise. We shouldn't promise not to put a parent in a nursing home as we don't know the future. But we do. That being said, sometimes, after we've done our best, there is no other choice for them or for us. However, for now, you are trying what amounts to an experiment. You are taking her into your home.
I'm really glad you are getting counseling. Please keep that up. Also, please consider hiring some in-home care, if your mom needs a lot of attention. You need to get out on your own sometimes. You need and deserve a life apart - and so does she. She may enjoy adult day care a couple of days a week because that will give her a social life with peers. Many elders kick and scream about ADC, and end up loving it once they start going.
Please keep in touch on this forum. You will need the support. Many caregivers here have a parent living with them, so you'll hear from them.
Do remember - you can't help your mom if your health deteriorates. So, you need to try to strike a balance. This is always harder to say than do. This is where counseling may help you.
Do check back and let us know how today goes!
Carol see more
First and foremost, if this doesn't work out, you are still honoring the spirit of your promise. We shouldn't promise not to put a parent in a nursing home as we don't know the future. But we do. That being said, sometimes, after we've done our best, there is no other choice for them or for us. However, for now, you are trying what amounts to an experiment. You are taking her into your home.
I'm really glad you are getting counseling. Please keep that up. Also, please consider hiring some in-home care, if your mom needs a lot of attention. You need to get out on your own sometimes. You need and deserve a life apart - and so does she. She may enjoy adult day care a couple of days a week because that will give her a social life with peers. Many elders kick and scream about ADC, and end up loving it once they start going.
Please keep in touch on this forum. You will need the support. Many caregivers here have a parent living with them, so you'll hear from them.
Do remember - you can't help your mom if your health deteriorates. So, you need to try to strike a balance. This is always harder to say than do. This is where counseling may help you.
Do check back and let us know how today goes!
Carol see more
Question
My 89-year-old mother had a stroke a year ago and still refuses to go to the doctor. Any suggestions on how to...
This is often a problem for people with dementia. Does your mom have some dementia symptoms? Vascular dementia comes to mind because of the... This is often a problem for people with dementia. Does your mom have some dementia symptoms? Vascular dementia comes to mind because of the stroke. However, she just may feel they can't help her.
She may be depressed which is fairly common after a stroke. This, of course, just makes it even more important for her to see a doctor. Is there some issue unrelated to her stroke you can get her in for? Once she is in the office, the doctor can take over.
You can tell her this is a favor to you because you love her - but you've likely tried that. Does she have a good friend in her generation who can help talk her into at least a checkup? I know it's tough. You aren't alone. Hopefully, others will chime in and give their solutions.
Take care,
Carol see more
She may be depressed which is fairly common after a stroke. This, of course, just makes it even more important for her to see a doctor. Is there some issue unrelated to her stroke you can get her in for? Once she is in the office, the doctor can take over.
You can tell her this is a favor to you because you love her - but you've likely tried that. Does she have a good friend in her generation who can help talk her into at least a checkup? I know it's tough. You aren't alone. Hopefully, others will chime in and give their solutions.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What will happen to my mom when she goes to the nursing home?
Your mom will need to pay out of her own pocket until her money is nearly gone. If someone is living in the house (say, your dad), then... Your mom will need to pay out of her own pocket until her money is nearly gone. If someone is living in the house (say, your dad), then if/when she goes on Medicaid because her money is gone, they will probably place a lien on the house, so that when the person living in the house (spouse) sells, Medicaid would take the money owed out of the sale. This could be different in your area and under different circumstances, so you should check with your local Medicaid services. However, generally, they consider the house an asset, but they won't displace a spouse who needs to live there by making them sell. If there is a lot of money involved, you should probably see an elder law attorney to see how it will work.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I keep a fitness program up after the physical therapist has finished?
I just wrote a newspaper column answering a similar question, so you aren't alone with your problem. If insurance won't pay for... I just wrote a newspaper column answering a similar question, so you aren't alone with your problem. If insurance won't pay for more PT - you can try an appeal to see if they will pay for more - try alternative doctors or therapists. Acupuncture helps some people, massage and other therapies can help. Be sure to make sure the practitioner is properly licensed and don't fall for anyone who promises miracles. However, alternative therapies such as those mentioned, as well as yoga stretches (some can be done in a wheel chair) can help many people. Please look into these.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can anyone help me understand my role caring for a spouse with Parkinson's Disease?
What you are attempting to do is difficult for anyone. Some people blend the roles more easily than others, but it's hard for nearly... What you are attempting to do is difficult for anyone. Some people blend the roles more easily than others, but it's hard for nearly anyone. I'd suggest that you talk with a counselor to help you define your roles and let go of any guilt you may feel (caregivers live with guilt - at least any I've known - most of it unearned).
I'm glad you can talk honestly with your husband. It sounds as if you need to start getting some in-home help to do some of the caregiving so you can concentrate on being his wife/lover. Please contact the National Parkinson's Foundation (www.parkinsons.org) for some help, and look for support groups for spouses of Parkinson's. I'd also recommend the Well Spouse Association (www.wellspouse.org) for online support.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
I'm glad you can talk honestly with your husband. It sounds as if you need to start getting some in-home help to do some of the caregiving so you can concentrate on being his wife/lover. Please contact the National Parkinson's Foundation (www.parkinsons.org) for some help, and look for support groups for spouses of Parkinson's. I'd also recommend the Well Spouse Association (www.wellspouse.org) for online support.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do I help my great uncle who is now in a nursing home?
PS
You can also go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the zip code to find the ombudsman for the area.
Carol
You can also go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the zip code to find the ombudsman for the area.
Carol
What do you do when you feel frustrated because you are burned out, unpaid and don't get a break from caregivi...
Good luck. This is really a tough place to be. Please let us know how things are going.
Carol see more