Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Where can I find adult daycare for my father who is coming to visit for a week?
Your local phone directory should have listings under adult day care. You can also call the nursing homes and assisted living facilities,... Your local phone directory should have listings under adult day care. You can also call the nursing homes and assisted living facilities, as many have adult day care wings. Your local Social Services may be able to help, as well. Sometimes private homes have ADC. Good luck. That's a good plan if you can find one for a short-term situation.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I feed my dad if he is unable to heat up food by himself anymore?
Jeanne is a wise woman. I believe she spelled out your options pretty well. Your dad will complain about any changes, but changes will need... Jeanne is a wise woman. I believe she spelled out your options pretty well. Your dad will complain about any changes, but changes will need to happen eventually, as he won't be able to sustain living alone. Please try to get him some help, gradually. Adult day care if often fought against until they try it and find the socializing is a great joy. Then you can't keep them away. This paves the was for assisted living in many cases.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I determine whether or not my parents are receiving every possible prescription benefit?
Many employers have put a much larger financial responsibility onto the subscriber than before. Likely your dad’s former employer... Many employers have put a much larger financial responsibility onto the subscriber than before. Likely your dad’s former employer renegotiates yearly and the policy changes. Your sister may want to see if it’s worth your dad’s while (financially) to carry the employer’s insurance as a first insurance and then go to Medicare. Check carefully both options.
Since your dad is on Medicare, he qualifies for Medicare D, which is the prescription drug plan. The same would be true for your mom, if she is on Medicare. Since they go through your Dad's work insurance first, however (primary insurance) that may change things, but likely Medicare D would kick in to cover what the other insurance doesn't cover. Medicare D isn't fantastic - they have a large "donut hole" in the middle where the subscriber must cover the costs - but it's inexpensive. Considering your parents' situation, you should probably go to www.medicare.gov and investigate. Or have your sister do this if that's her strong point. If there are questions (likely there will be), she can call the contact number on the site. This will take some footwork, but it should help with expenses.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Since your dad is on Medicare, he qualifies for Medicare D, which is the prescription drug plan. The same would be true for your mom, if she is on Medicare. Since they go through your Dad's work insurance first, however (primary insurance) that may change things, but likely Medicare D would kick in to cover what the other insurance doesn't cover. Medicare D isn't fantastic - they have a large "donut hole" in the middle where the subscriber must cover the costs - but it's inexpensive. Considering your parents' situation, you should probably go to www.medicare.gov and investigate. Or have your sister do this if that's her strong point. If there are questions (likely there will be), she can call the contact number on the site. This will take some footwork, but it should help with expenses.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What are my mom's auditory hallucinations from?
Jeanne's answer is perfect. She nailed the differences and telling the doctor is necessary. Some of it could even be from side effects... Jeanne's answer is perfect. She nailed the differences and telling the doctor is necessary. Some of it could even be from side effects from the medications she's already on. Medications can cause tinnitus - even aspirin.
Thanks, Jeanne and good luck to you and your mom. Tinnitus is hard to handle.
Carol see more
Thanks, Jeanne and good luck to you and your mom. Tinnitus is hard to handle.
Carol see more
Question
I Understand that there is government money paid to a family care giver and that it is $12/hr. How do I get st...
I assume you've read Ralph's answer, which is excellent. The waiting time for people is extremely frustrating, as so many of us... I assume you've read Ralph's answer, which is excellent. The waiting time for people is extremely frustrating, as so many of us just keep on giving until it's obvious that there's nothing left to give. Try your state's website and type "aging" in the search box. You may find other programs there, or the National Family Caregiver Support Program in your state may provide some answers.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can my siblings and I set up a fund to cover mom's various expenses without worrying being subject to inco...
Thanks, Jon. I was going to suggest seeing a tax professional for this. Jon has answered for you: ) Take care and thank you for being such... Thanks, Jon. I was going to suggest seeing a tax professional for this. Jon has answered for you: )
Take care and thank you for being such a caring family,
Carol see more
Take care and thank you for being such a caring family,
Carol see more
Question
My mom is being asked to move facilities because of her sleep walking. Where do we place our mom when no one w...
You may have to look at hiring an in-home person to stay with her (two or three for shifts), while she lives in her own apartment. This... You may have to look at hiring an in-home person to stay with her (two or three for shifts), while she lives in her own apartment. This stage will pass and she will begin less physical stages which will then likely make her "easier" to manage in a nursing home. I'm surprised that a nursing home couldn't handle her, but they are different all over the country. Good luck - this is tough.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I tell my mother that her husband will not be coming home to her?
This is so sad for both of them. Skype is a great idea - at least to try. Then, you could monitor her reaction and see if that worsens her... This is so sad for both of them.
Skype is a great idea - at least to try. Then, you could monitor her reaction and see if that worsens her situation or makes her feel he's closer. Dementia has stages, so even if one approach works for awhile that may change. s
If seeing and hearing him is good for her and calming, then keep it up. If it distresses her, then you'll need to go to "therapeutic fibbing", as mentioned, and say that he'll be by as soon as he can.
Sadly, perhaps, but truthfully, since this is a later marriage, the time will come when she may forget him and start asking for her first husband!
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Skype is a great idea - at least to try. Then, you could monitor her reaction and see if that worsens her situation or makes her feel he's closer. Dementia has stages, so even if one approach works for awhile that may change. s
If seeing and hearing him is good for her and calming, then keep it up. If it distresses her, then you'll need to go to "therapeutic fibbing", as mentioned, and say that he'll be by as soon as he can.
Sadly, perhaps, but truthfully, since this is a later marriage, the time will come when she may forget him and start asking for her first husband!
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
What is the likelihood of a medication causing a person to hear and see things that aren't there?
Elderly people are more at risk for side effects from medication. The fact that your mother has been on metroprolol for so long, could mean... Elderly people are more at risk for side effects from medication. The fact that your mother has been on metroprolol for so long, could mean that the dosage is too high for her aging body. She should see a doctor who will look at a replacement medication, or at least tinker with dosages, unless there's a compelling reason not to. Obviously, she is "old school" and feels people will think she's "crazy" if she sees a psychiatrist, which is very common in her age group.
I'd suggest that you try to get her into a geriatrician - a doctor who specializes in older people. Let that doctor know ahead of time by letter what the problem is. Then, the doctor can make changes without embarrassing your mother (at least there's a chance). Check back if you can. We'd like to hear how it goes.
Carol see more
I'd suggest that you try to get her into a geriatrician - a doctor who specializes in older people. Let that doctor know ahead of time by letter what the problem is. Then, the doctor can make changes without embarrassing your mother (at least there's a chance). Check back if you can. We'd like to hear how it goes.
Carol see more
Question
Why does my mother with dementia have dizzy spells?
Hi Kelly, That's really nice that someone rushed to help with your mom. Some people want to help, but just freeze up as they don't... Hi Kelly,
That's really nice that someone rushed to help with your mom. Some people want to help, but just freeze up as they don't know what to do. Often, it's quite simple. Open a door for someone, or as in your case, help support an ill person.
Her dizzy spells should be mentioned to the doctor. It could have to do with her medication or she could have an infection like a urinary infection. My mother-in-law had that problem, and it took quite awhile to get the doctor to run tests for a UTI. Once the infection was cleared, she was much more stable.
Good luck,
Carol see more
That's really nice that someone rushed to help with your mom. Some people want to help, but just freeze up as they don't know what to do. Often, it's quite simple. Open a door for someone, or as in your case, help support an ill person.
Her dizzy spells should be mentioned to the doctor. It could have to do with her medication or she could have an infection like a urinary infection. My mother-in-law had that problem, and it took quite awhile to get the doctor to run tests for a UTI. Once the infection was cleared, she was much more stable.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is federal funding available if I have to build on to my house to accommodate my elderly parent?
I received an email with this information from a Florida resident. I do believe that many areas may have this tax credit or something... I received an email with this information from a Florida resident. I do believe that many areas may have this tax credit or something similar. Please see below:
Please be aware that the state of florida has this tax credit.
Reduction in Assessment for Living Quarters of Parents or Grandparents ("Granny Flat") Property must have an existing homestead exemption; construction or reconstruction of the quarters must be properly permitted; the occupant of the quarters must be a parent or grandparent of the owner; the occupant must be at least 62 years old and permanently reside on the property on or before January 1st of the year in which the reduction is requested; and the occupant cannot receive any benefits in any other county or state based on permanent residency. An initial application must be filed with the Property Appraiser's office, together with plans, permits and certificate of occupancy; an annual affirmation is required. see more
Please be aware that the state of florida has this tax credit.
Reduction in Assessment for Living Quarters of Parents or Grandparents ("Granny Flat") Property must have an existing homestead exemption; construction or reconstruction of the quarters must be properly permitted; the occupant of the quarters must be a parent or grandparent of the owner; the occupant must be at least 62 years old and permanently reside on the property on or before January 1st of the year in which the reduction is requested; and the occupant cannot receive any benefits in any other county or state based on permanent residency. An initial application must be filed with the Property Appraiser's office, together with plans, permits and certificate of occupancy; an annual affirmation is required. see more
Question
Is federal funding available if I have to build on to my house to accommodate my elderly parent?
You can check for options by going to your state website and typing "aging" into the search box. There should be links to follow... You can check for options by going to your state website and typing "aging" into the search box. There should be links to follow for help. Also, check with your local Area Agencies on Aging in case they have some advice. You could also check online for government grants for elders, but I don't know of any grants that cover that much. Please let us know if you find something out in your state!
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicaid take a house under the estate recovery law?
Most likely they will take whatever they need to pay off her bill. Generally - and I say generally, as every situation can have unique... Most likely they will take whatever they need to pay off her bill. Generally - and I say generally, as every situation can have unique aspects and each state is a bit different - Medicaid puts a lien against the property which is then sold unless the debt is paid some other way.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find impatient rehab for my mother who just had a stroke and surgery?
You can type the Zip code into the Agingcare.com senior living finder https://www.agingcare.com/Senior-Living and see if there is something... You can type the Zip code into the Agingcare.com senior living finder https://www.agingcare.com/Senior-Living
and see if there is something near you listed there. Otherwise, you may need to call around to facilities. The hospital should have some recommendations, also. This is not uncommon, but it's stressful. Take care,
Carol see more
and see if there is something near you listed there. Otherwise, you may need to call around to facilities. The hospital should have some recommendations, also. This is not uncommon, but it's stressful. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone have any advice on financial abuse and bad lawyers while caring for your elderly loved one?
Madge is right - you have two choices that I can see - get another attorney (more money but you may be able to nail these relatives who are... Madge is right - you have two choices that I can see - get another attorney (more money but you may be able to nail these relatives who are abuse elders financially) or else let it go and stay away from them. This is a very tough decision, because as you say, you aren't looking for jail, but want justice. Unfortunately, when you bring in the law, you may have to file charges to get any satisfaction. You may want to seek some emotional counseling from a spiritual leader or a professional counselor to help you sort through what you can handle emotionally. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What can I do if my dad maxed out his prescription coverage?
I saddens me no end when people can't afford their medications. I'm so sorry you and your dad are going through this I can't... I saddens me no end when people can't afford their medications. I'm so sorry you and your dad are going through this I can't put it into words.
I'm wondering what kind of insurance he has. If he is on Medicare, and has Medicare D, he maybe has reached the coverage gap, but once he's through it, the insurance kicks in again (this is a bad deal and is gradually going to be fixed, but it is how it operates at this time). If he had other insurance, it sounds to me that you are doing all you can for him, but it's outrageous that he can't get the medication he needs. The VA will help eventually, but it does take a long time to process his paperwork. Please keep working with the doctor and the drug companies and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
I'm wondering what kind of insurance he has. If he is on Medicare, and has Medicare D, he maybe has reached the coverage gap, but once he's through it, the insurance kicks in again (this is a bad deal and is gradually going to be fixed, but it is how it operates at this time). If he had other insurance, it sounds to me that you are doing all you can for him, but it's outrageous that he can't get the medication he needs. The VA will help eventually, but it does take a long time to process his paperwork. Please keep working with the doctor and the drug companies and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Is my brother's concern normal about my 81-year-old mother going to the bank alone?
His concerns are very wise and normal. She's defensive because she doesn't want to feel incompetent, but if he can approach her... His concerns are very wise and normal. She's defensive because she doesn't want to feel incompetent, but if he can approach her saying that since they share an account, it's vital that he be part of what happens with this bank - not stressing that she isn't capable, but that it's for their mutual benefit - it may help a little. It's really hard when elders won't accept any help at this age. Understandable from their viewpoint, but hard. They can be taken advantage of so easily. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How do I deal with family intrusion with my day to day care for my octogenarian mother?
Hi Peg, You said it in your note, but I'm highlighting it here. You are not alone in this - not even a little. My guess is that you... Hi Peg,
You said it in your note, but I'm highlighting it here. You are not alone in this - not even a little. My guess is that you will hear from many people on the site who will share their stories.
We all have to make choices, and one of your best choices is counseling. Keep that up, as it will help. The resentment is what is hurting you, but it's hard not to resent behind your back sharing about your mom, when you are the primary caregiver. Knowing that you probably can't stop this may be your best bet. Talk to your counselor about tips on "detaching with love." It's hard, but it can save your sanity.
You may want to read one article about this: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm
The article is about abusive parents, but the same process needs to part of your sibling relationships, as well. Keep up the counseling, and please ask for help in detaching from some of the emotional traps, unless your counselor has other suggestions.
Take care and keep reading for comments.
Carol see more
You said it in your note, but I'm highlighting it here. You are not alone in this - not even a little. My guess is that you will hear from many people on the site who will share their stories.
We all have to make choices, and one of your best choices is counseling. Keep that up, as it will help. The resentment is what is hurting you, but it's hard not to resent behind your back sharing about your mom, when you are the primary caregiver. Knowing that you probably can't stop this may be your best bet. Talk to your counselor about tips on "detaching with love." It's hard, but it can save your sanity.
You may want to read one article about this: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm
The article is about abusive parents, but the same process needs to part of your sibling relationships, as well. Keep up the counseling, and please ask for help in detaching from some of the emotional traps, unless your counselor has other suggestions.
Take care and keep reading for comments.
Carol see more
Question
I have POA for my mother who is now showing signs of dementia. How do I get the lawyer to grant me the POA?
It seems as though you have to get her to a doctor on some premise - a checkup for blood pressure or something general. I'd suggest... It seems as though you have to get her to a doctor on some premise - a checkup for blood pressure or something general. I'd suggest writing the doctor ahead of time, and informing him or her of the problem. The doctor may be able to diagnose the dementia so you can get the POA released. At least there IS a POA, so you have a chance of turning things around. It's possible you may need to seek advice from an elder law attorney, if a doctor can't help.
Good luck with this,
Carol see more
Good luck with this,
Carol see more
Companies keep sending my dad diabetic supplies he did not order and my dad keeps mixing them up. What can I d...
Good luck,
Carol see more