Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Is it normal with end stage Dementia to have constant infections?
I'm so sorry. This is sad, but I don't think uncommon. When the body is shutting down, the ability to fight infections becomes... I'm so sorry. This is sad, but I don't think uncommon. When the body is shutting down, the ability to fight infections becomes weakened. She may not even be responding to the antibiotics, which is why the hospice nurses are trying to keep her comfortable with morphine.
If you aren't sure the doctor is doing all he or she can, you can get another opinion, but there likely isn't a lot more that can be done. Pneumonia often takes a person in the end, but other infections can, as well.
You may find comfort in seeking a second opinion, so you can try that. But you will eventually have to come to grips with the fact that since she's in end stage dementia, she is going to die. It's just a matter of whether an infection takes her or her organs quit working.
Try to take care of yourself, too. Watching someone we love die is tough. Are you getting emotional support?
Please check back and let us know how your are doing.
Carol see more
If you aren't sure the doctor is doing all he or she can, you can get another opinion, but there likely isn't a lot more that can be done. Pneumonia often takes a person in the end, but other infections can, as well.
You may find comfort in seeking a second opinion, so you can try that. But you will eventually have to come to grips with the fact that since she's in end stage dementia, she is going to die. It's just a matter of whether an infection takes her or her organs quit working.
Try to take care of yourself, too. Watching someone we love die is tough. Are you getting emotional support?
Please check back and let us know how your are doing.
Carol see more
Question
What steps need to be taken to get my Grandmother on the Medicaid waiver list?
I'd call the county adult Social Services office so they can proceed with getting her qualified for Medicaid. They will advise you... I'd call the county adult Social Services office so they can proceed with getting her qualified for Medicaid. They will advise you about the house, which they may or may not want to go into foreclosure. Of course, if you can afford a visit with an estate attorney or financial adviser try that, but in the end, she will likely need to go on Medicaid to stay in the nursing home. Her assets will pay her way until she is down to the qualification limit, and then Medicaid kicks in to pay her NH bill.
There's a lot of paperwork involved, but it's time. Your adult social services office will help you get started.
Take care,
Carol see more
There's a lot of paperwork involved, but it's time. Your adult social services office will help you get started.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do I need to do to get some help for my parents?
Another idea is to go to your state website, type "aging" in the search bar and follow the links for help. One of them will be... Another idea is to go to your state website, type "aging" in the search bar and follow the links for help. One of them will be your state's version of the National Family Caregiver's Support Program. They can be quite helpful.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can a caregiver sue me if they have no health insurance and get hurt? How do I protect myself?
Hi luvmom, That's why going through an agency is often prudent. Yes, if an independent contractor gets hurt on your property, and you... Hi luvmom,
That's why going through an agency is often prudent. Yes, if an independent contractor gets hurt on your property, and you are the "employer", which you would be in some cases, they could sue you.
Please check with your state insurance department to see what you need to have in place if you are hiring directly. Otherwise, you should go through an agency that covers their worker's compensation taxes, etc. This isn't about health insurance, it's about liability factors.
Your homeowner's insurance may should cover a visitor who gets hurt, but a paid person coming regularly is not likely to be covered. You can check with your insurance on that, however. Also, you are responsible for a background check if they are not with an agency. Good agencies do that before hiring.
People can find the gem of a lifetime through hiring independently, but they also take on an employee (at least in most states), unless the person can prove they are set up as a business and they cover their own taxes for worker's comp., etc. Even then, checking your state laws is a good idea. Tread carefully.
Carol see more
That's why going through an agency is often prudent. Yes, if an independent contractor gets hurt on your property, and you are the "employer", which you would be in some cases, they could sue you.
Please check with your state insurance department to see what you need to have in place if you are hiring directly. Otherwise, you should go through an agency that covers their worker's compensation taxes, etc. This isn't about health insurance, it's about liability factors.
Your homeowner's insurance may should cover a visitor who gets hurt, but a paid person coming regularly is not likely to be covered. You can check with your insurance on that, however. Also, you are responsible for a background check if they are not with an agency. Good agencies do that before hiring.
People can find the gem of a lifetime through hiring independently, but they also take on an employee (at least in most states), unless the person can prove they are set up as a business and they cover their own taxes for worker's comp., etc. Even then, checking your state laws is a good idea. Tread carefully.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom and Dad live together in retirement home but my mom's dementia is making me wonder if we should be look...
Yes, the assisted living place should be considered for him, and the memory unit for your mother. If they are close together, he can visit... Yes, the assisted living place should be considered for him, and the memory unit for your mother. If they are close together, he can visit often.
Many ALFs have memory units in them, so if you have one of them nearby, that is also an option - then he could visit within the building. This change will be hard on your dad, and your mom will notice the different apartment, but since she can't form new memories very well, she shouldn't notice the difference too much. It's good that your dad recognizes that he can't keep doing this. If he doesn't get relief, your mom may lose him all together. Please look at some changes.
Take care,
Carol see more
Many ALFs have memory units in them, so if you have one of them nearby, that is also an option - then he could visit within the building. This change will be hard on your dad, and your mom will notice the different apartment, but since she can't form new memories very well, she shouldn't notice the difference too much. It's good that your dad recognizes that he can't keep doing this. If he doesn't get relief, your mom may lose him all together. Please look at some changes.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Why would my grandmother be admitted to a rehabilitation center when she was throwing up?
She could be vomiting blood, or they see her as having "failure to thrive" which means that she isn't keeping her weight. My... She could be vomiting blood, or they see her as having "failure to thrive" which means that she isn't keeping her weight. My guess is that they haven't gotten to the bottom of the vomiting and want her monitored. She doesn't need hospitalization, but she needs professional observation. Of course, without full knowledge, I'm just guessing, but that's what it appears to be to me.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find help for my parents on choosing a Assisted Living Facility?
Lilliput gave your excellent advice. You could also go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and and type in your the AFL Zip code. This will give... Lilliput gave your excellent advice. You could also go online to www.ltcombudsman.org and and type in your the AFL Zip code. This will give you a contact person who perhaps can guide you to local services that can help your mom. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Do I need to disclose an annuity beneficiary payment that my mother is leaving me when she passes away?
To be sure, I'd see an estate attorney. I understand "throwing it all together," as that's instinctive when the elder has... To be sure, I'd see an estate attorney. I understand "throwing it all together," as that's instinctive when the elder has needed your care all of these years and you are the only one doing it. Yet, people can get nasty about money. Please see an attorney to know your rights and to protect yourself against later repercussions.
You don't want ugly stuff thrown at you after all that you've done.
Take care,
Carol see more
You don't want ugly stuff thrown at you after all that you've done.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am an only child and have a few friends. How do I get through the hard times after my mother and father just...
You are having to handle too much change and pressure and need some mature guidance. Please see a counselor, or your spiritual leader to... You are having to handle too much change and pressure and need some mature guidance. Please see a counselor, or your spiritual leader to help you through this. You can call your local social services to get a referral for a sliding scale therapist if you have money issues.
Take care of yourself - and the rest will make more sense.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself - and the rest will make more sense.
Carol see more
Question
How do I stop my mother from giving a stranger all her money and possessions?
This is incredibly sad. I think she will need continual counseling. Does she have a religious affiliation where the leader can help her... This is incredibly sad. I think she will need continual counseling. Does she have a religious affiliation where the leader can help her understand? Someone outside of the family will likely have more sway with her.
Is there any way that you can block his emails from her account, and the number his "daughter" calls from?
Even though you likely won't be able to prosecute, I'd like to see this person's name on some kind of a scam list. Please contact your local law enforcement and ask them what you can do to get this person known.
Can you contact Match.com and see if they can ban him? He's probably doing this to others.
I can't call this anything but obscene, yet I'm sure you are limited in that you aren't likely to recover her money.
Good luck to you. Your mom needs your support. She likely feels foolish, but can't help herself. Denial is a powerful thing.
Carol see more
Is there any way that you can block his emails from her account, and the number his "daughter" calls from?
Even though you likely won't be able to prosecute, I'd like to see this person's name on some kind of a scam list. Please contact your local law enforcement and ask them what you can do to get this person known.
Can you contact Match.com and see if they can ban him? He's probably doing this to others.
I can't call this anything but obscene, yet I'm sure you are limited in that you aren't likely to recover her money.
Good luck to you. Your mom needs your support. She likely feels foolish, but can't help herself. Denial is a powerful thing.
Carol see more
Question
How do you use a Memorial Society membership to save on final expenses?
I have not had this experience, but I'd like to hear from others. If I were in your shoes, I'd check with the local Better... I have not had this experience, but I'd like to hear from others.
If I were in your shoes, I'd check with the local Better Business Bureau and even Another suggestion is that you contract with a cheaper funeral home. Cremation is cheaper than burial, and you can fly your mom's ashes wherever you want them buried (or scattered), and have your own ceremony. It seems that you should be able to do this for less money than what you are talking about.
Still, GA may be more expensive, even for basic cremation. Please do check around.
My condolences. Please take care of yourself during this hard time. Your mom sounds wonderful!
Carol see more
If I were in your shoes, I'd check with the local Better Business Bureau and even Another suggestion is that you contract with a cheaper funeral home. Cremation is cheaper than burial, and you can fly your mom's ashes wherever you want them buried (or scattered), and have your own ceremony. It seems that you should be able to do this for less money than what you are talking about.
Still, GA may be more expensive, even for basic cremation. Please do check around.
My condolences. Please take care of yourself during this hard time. Your mom sounds wonderful!
Carol see more
Question
Is HUD transferable when you move from one state to another?
As far as I know, this will depend on the state. Like Medicaid, HUD is a federal program but each state also has input and different rules.... As far as I know, this will depend on the state. Like Medicaid, HUD is a federal program but each state also has input and different rules. There is often a waiting list for subsidized housing, so you should decide which city you want to move to and contact the social services people in that county. Ask about getting into subsidized housing, and give them your information in WA.
Good luck with your move. It's bound to have bumps, as rarely is it easy to transfer programs from state to state, but things generally work out.
Take care,
Carol see more
Good luck with your move. It's bound to have bumps, as rarely is it easy to transfer programs from state to state, but things generally work out.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How long can she go on with this pain in her arm?
I am so sorry for your mom. I recently wrote a couple of newspaper columns on shingles and got a whopping number of response about the... I am so sorry for your mom.
I recently wrote a couple of newspaper columns on shingles and got a whopping number of response about the pain from people of all ages.
The long-term effects for some people - even younger people - can be horrible. Even if long-term neurological damage isn't done to your mother, her current pain is debilitating.
Shingles isn't life threatening in itself (or seldom is), but many find an attack unbearable they wish it was. I would talk to your doctor about hospice care. If your mother, at 97, isn't eating or drinking because of pain, it's likely she would qualify.
Your love for her is the reason you are looking for pain control for her. This is horrible for you to watch. Hospice is there to ensure the best quality of life a person can have. It's possible that they can relieve her pain enough for her to eat and drink, therefore keeping her alive longer. Please, also, if you take advantage of hospice (with her doctor's help), consider taking advantage of their chaplain for your own comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
I recently wrote a couple of newspaper columns on shingles and got a whopping number of response about the pain from people of all ages.
The long-term effects for some people - even younger people - can be horrible. Even if long-term neurological damage isn't done to your mother, her current pain is debilitating.
Shingles isn't life threatening in itself (or seldom is), but many find an attack unbearable they wish it was. I would talk to your doctor about hospice care. If your mother, at 97, isn't eating or drinking because of pain, it's likely she would qualify.
Your love for her is the reason you are looking for pain control for her. This is horrible for you to watch. Hospice is there to ensure the best quality of life a person can have. It's possible that they can relieve her pain enough for her to eat and drink, therefore keeping her alive longer. Please, also, if you take advantage of hospice (with her doctor's help), consider taking advantage of their chaplain for your own comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am an only child. How do I deal with taking care of my 85-year-old mom alone?
Thanks for sharing your heartbreaking story. You really aren't "standing alone" - at least you reached out to agingcare. You... Thanks for sharing your heartbreaking story. You really aren't "standing alone" - at least you reached out to agingcare.
You must get out of this situation. Please contact your local non-profit social services or county social services and find a way to get counseling. You'd be better off in a women's shelter, as you are being abused.
You are right - you aren't living, you are existing. And now your are financially dependent, which is what your mother wanted - more control.
Please get help to learn how to detach and move on - even if you have to leave without giving any forwarding information. If your mom really needs care, let social services know she will be living alone. This situation is endangering your health, and could endanger your life. If you can't find help through local agencies, please at least talk with a church pastor. Someone there can help you find resources to get out of this situation, but you have to start the process.
Please take care of yourself.
Carol see more
You must get out of this situation. Please contact your local non-profit social services or county social services and find a way to get counseling. You'd be better off in a women's shelter, as you are being abused.
You are right - you aren't living, you are existing. And now your are financially dependent, which is what your mother wanted - more control.
Please get help to learn how to detach and move on - even if you have to leave without giving any forwarding information. If your mom really needs care, let social services know she will be living alone. This situation is endangering your health, and could endanger your life. If you can't find help through local agencies, please at least talk with a church pastor. Someone there can help you find resources to get out of this situation, but you have to start the process.
Please take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Question
My father loves to go outdoors and pee! Anyone else have this issue? How do you deal with it?
It's possible that he's unsure about using the bathroom, and it's easier for him to figure out what to do if he goes outside.... It's possible that he's unsure about using the bathroom, and it's easier for him to figure out what to do if he goes outside. or else, in his mind he's reliving old hunting or fishing trips - or some other "guy" times - when such things are common. Alzheimer's makes the past real as the present gets fuzzy.
However, you see the unfortunate results if a child walks by - indecent exposure. Likely the authorities, if called, would be reasonable, but that depends on their ability to use common sense.
My suggestion would be that you lock the front door with a very high (out of sight) key only deadbolt. Keep it locked and the key in your pocket when you can't keep an eye on dad.
Is the back yard fenced or heavily treed? That would help out there, so use your judgment. You may need to use locks that are unnoticed an/or inaccessible to him on all doors so that he only goes out when you are with him. He sounds as though he could go into a wandering stage, which would be terrible - he could just wander off after his peeing adventure. It's likely time to keep a tighter hold on him for his own safety.
I hope you hear from some others who have experienced this. Anyone out there have this problem?
Take care,
Carol see more
However, you see the unfortunate results if a child walks by - indecent exposure. Likely the authorities, if called, would be reasonable, but that depends on their ability to use common sense.
My suggestion would be that you lock the front door with a very high (out of sight) key only deadbolt. Keep it locked and the key in your pocket when you can't keep an eye on dad.
Is the back yard fenced or heavily treed? That would help out there, so use your judgment. You may need to use locks that are unnoticed an/or inaccessible to him on all doors so that he only goes out when you are with him. He sounds as though he could go into a wandering stage, which would be terrible - he could just wander off after his peeing adventure. It's likely time to keep a tighter hold on him for his own safety.
I hope you hear from some others who have experienced this. Anyone out there have this problem?
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do if my brother has taken my mother’s life savings?
They may take legal action against your brother. He must have had Power Of Attorney (or the equivalent in the UK). Taking her government... They may take legal action against your brother. He must have had Power Of Attorney (or the equivalent in the UK). Taking her government pension would likely be a crime. I'm sorry you have to go through this, because it's going to be bad for your brother. In the US, there would be questions about where the money went, and an elder law attorney may be needed to straighten it out.
Take care. I hope your mother gets the care she needs. That's the important thing here.
Carol see more
Take care. I hope your mother gets the care she needs. That's the important thing here.
Carol see more
Question
Do nursing homes let residents spend time outside?
Most of them encourage it - many have very nice gardens and yards or courtyards. Some have planters at wheelchair height so people who want... Most of them encourage it - many have very nice gardens and yards or courtyards. Some have planters at wheelchair height so people who want to "grow something" can do that.
One NH I know well has a vegetable garden that residents who want to garden work on together. Obviously, these things depend on the resident's health, but most encourage outdoors time, if it's something that works for the resident.
Take care,
Carol see more
One NH I know well has a vegetable garden that residents who want to garden work on together. Obviously, these things depend on the resident's health, but most encourage outdoors time, if it's something that works for the resident.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am new to caregiving. What kind of help is out there for the elderly?
Eddie has some good ideas. I'd also go on www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code where your grandma's facility is located.... Eddie has some good ideas. I'd also go on www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code where your grandma's facility is located. These people are very helpful in making transfers between care facilities.
Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
As our parents start to live longer, how do we care for ourselves, our spouses, and our children?
You'll find many articles on this subject here on agingcare, most of which have some past discussion. What you describe is very... You'll find many articles on this subject here on agingcare, most of which have some past discussion. What you describe is very difficult and you've come to the right place for support. Here are a few articles, with discussions, to get you started:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/cope-with-caregiver-burnout-140161.htm
Keep reading and keep coming back. I'm sure you'll get some comments from forum members today.
Take care,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/cope-with-caregiver-burnout-140161.htm
Keep reading and keep coming back. I'm sure you'll get some comments from forum members today.
Take care,
Carol see more
What are the differences in Medicaid and a Medicaid waiver? If so what are the qualification differences?
disabilities. These services can take place in the person’s
home or in the community.
Medicaid usually pays for doctor appointments, hospital expenses,
medicine, therapy, and some adaptive equipment. The Medicaid Waiver
allows for Medicaid to be used to pay for additional services. The state writes a plan that tells what kind of services will be provided under their Medicaid Waiver program. The federal government has to approve the Medicaid Waiver plan. The Medicaid Waiver dollars are part state and part federal money and not every state provides a waiver. You'll have to check with your state's Medicaid office to see what is available in your community.
Take care,
Carol see more