Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How does a skilled nursing home compare to an adult family home?
Your mom may be a candidate for one of these group homes if they can handle her health care needs. It sounds to me that she is in a... Your mom may be a candidate for one of these group homes if they can handle her health care needs. It sounds to me that she is in a substandard nursing home, so I'd consider moving her either to a home like the one you are considering or to another nursing home.
You can check with the long-term care ombudsman in Washington by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code where your mother is. You'll find contact information. They are very good about helping with transitions, whether that is moving her to a group home or to another nursing home.
Good luck. Long distance caregiving is tough, and you have many challenges of your own. Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
You can check with the long-term care ombudsman in Washington by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code where your mother is. You'll find contact information. They are very good about helping with transitions, whether that is moving her to a group home or to another nursing home.
Good luck. Long distance caregiving is tough, and you have many challenges of your own. Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
My 89-year-old mother, who has vascular dementia, hates her caretakers. What is the best way to stop her aggre...
Your mom's situation is hard for you to detach from, but you must for your own sake. It's all about your mother's dementia.... Your mom's situation is hard for you to detach from, but you must for your own sake.
It's all about your mother's dementia. She can't help her illness and you want to do your best for her, but you can't sacrifice your life, your health, or your marriage for her increasing needs. None of those sacrifices will help anyone.
It may be easier to put up with her increasing lack of reality if she is in a good AL, though she may need to be in one with a memory unit. The staff in these facilities are trained to cope with dementia, and your mother's attitude won't be that different than that of many other people they help.
You'll have to make a decision and stick with it, whether it's hired in-home care, AL or even a nursing home, if that is where her health puts her. You can be a part of her life - daily, if that works for you. You will be an important part of her care. But you will also have a life of your own. It seem like you are due.
Your mother's challenges will just increase. She will, unless other health issues take her soon, need more care that you can give, just to keep her safe.
It seems to me this is decision time. Good luck. I know it's hard, but tough choices abound in elder care.
Carol see more
It's all about your mother's dementia. She can't help her illness and you want to do your best for her, but you can't sacrifice your life, your health, or your marriage for her increasing needs. None of those sacrifices will help anyone.
It may be easier to put up with her increasing lack of reality if she is in a good AL, though she may need to be in one with a memory unit. The staff in these facilities are trained to cope with dementia, and your mother's attitude won't be that different than that of many other people they help.
You'll have to make a decision and stick with it, whether it's hired in-home care, AL or even a nursing home, if that is where her health puts her. You can be a part of her life - daily, if that works for you. You will be an important part of her care. But you will also have a life of your own. It seem like you are due.
Your mother's challenges will just increase. She will, unless other health issues take her soon, need more care that you can give, just to keep her safe.
It seems to me this is decision time. Good luck. I know it's hard, but tough choices abound in elder care.
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Question
After my mom’s hip surgery she is acting disoriented and confused. Should I be worried about her behavior?
I'm so sorry! It's unfortunate to say the least, but this is not uncommon. Some people get better, others do not. My dad... I'm so sorry! It's unfortunate to say the least, but this is not uncommon. Some people get better, others do not.
My dad didn't have dementia when he went into the hospital for surgery, but came out with it. There are many theories about this situation that run from anesthetics being used to the trauma of hospitalization. Often, there is no way to tell, though research is being done.
A broken hip is also a major trauma to the body, and many people don't fully recover from that blow. You should stay in contact with her doctor in case more can be done, but be prepared for her to go in either direction. She may get better, or she may continue to get worse as time goes on. In other words, the trauma may have sent her "ahead" in her dementia journey. Again, I do know your pain. My condolences.
Take care,
Carol see more
My dad didn't have dementia when he went into the hospital for surgery, but came out with it. There are many theories about this situation that run from anesthetics being used to the trauma of hospitalization. Often, there is no way to tell, though research is being done.
A broken hip is also a major trauma to the body, and many people don't fully recover from that blow. You should stay in contact with her doctor in case more can be done, but be prepared for her to go in either direction. She may get better, or she may continue to get worse as time goes on. In other words, the trauma may have sent her "ahead" in her dementia journey. Again, I do know your pain. My condolences.
Take care,
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Question
How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dem...
First, you are not alone. I'd suggest you read "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson. Peterson relates his own love story in a... First, you are not alone. I'd suggest you read "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson. Peterson relates his own love story in a book that reads like a novel. His beloved wife developed early on-set dementia, and he went through exactly what you are going through. There are many people in your shoes. Counseling may help you figure out your way forward. Only you can make the decision, but please research it so you feel okay with whatever your choice is. There are other books, I'm sure, but this one is excellent. Good luck,
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Question
What can I do to monitor the use of a hired caregivers credit or debit card on behalf of the elder?
I doubt it. If anyone knows of such a thing, please let us know. If the caregiver has the information needed to use the cards, I doubt that... I doubt it. If anyone knows of such a thing, please let us know. If the caregiver has the information needed to use the cards, I doubt that a limit exists. Could a separate card be secured? You can get prepaid credit cards, with just so much money on them. That's what I'd do in this case. Good luck,
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Question
How can I deal with my mom’s mixed emotions with being in an assisted living home?
This is normal behavior, and you need to do as the doctor says. I was told by excellent nursing home staff that I needed to take better... This is normal behavior, and you need to do as the doctor says. I was told by excellent nursing home staff that I needed to take better care of myself and not run every time my mother called. I, also, hated the phone and to this day I dislike the red message light - a reflexive reaction. So, I do understand.
Your mother will take time to adjust. You know she is well cared for, so just "don't be home" every time she calls. Make a point of answering a certain number of calls, visit her, but ignore the "I want to go home" pleas. She is as well off as she will get. This is a time when you need to learn to detach a bit from her neediness, understanding that you are doing everything possible. It's hard to grow old and dependent, so have compassion for your mom. But don't let that make you sick.
Take care of yourself - that is taking care of her, even if she doesn't know it.
Carol see more
Your mother will take time to adjust. You know she is well cared for, so just "don't be home" every time she calls. Make a point of answering a certain number of calls, visit her, but ignore the "I want to go home" pleas. She is as well off as she will get. This is a time when you need to learn to detach a bit from her neediness, understanding that you are doing everything possible. It's hard to grow old and dependent, so have compassion for your mom. But don't let that make you sick.
Take care of yourself - that is taking care of her, even if she doesn't know it.
Carol see more
Question
Where do I find an honest and qualified person to give respite care for my mother?
All I can say here is that Lilliput nailed it! Good work, my friend. And good luck to you, InService. You and your husband need this time.... All I can say here is that Lilliput nailed it! Good work, my friend. And good luck to you, InService. You and your husband need this time. I do think many agencies with a national record are a good place to start, as they have a reputation to uphold and do thorough background checks. That being said, they vary in different parts of the country, as does all care. So, you are always going to need to provide some oversight. Go with your gut and listen to the advice given.
Take care of yourselves and your marriage,
Carol see more
Take care of yourselves and your marriage,
Carol see more
Question
What do levels of care mean at an assisted living facility?
Each ALF is different. Many require the resident to hire a separate in-home care person to come in and take care of the needs you mention.... Each ALF is different. Many require the resident to hire a separate in-home care person to come in and take care of the needs you mention. These folks do sound like they belong in a nursing home environment, but your ALF must have rules. Talk with the management to make clear what they allow and when they require people to get other care.
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Question
The doctors have given my husband months to live. How can his bowel movements be more than what he is eating a...
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please ask his doctor for help and also ask about getting hospice care for him. They will come... I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please ask his doctor for help and also ask about getting hospice care for him. They will come to you home and volunteers will likely be available to give you breaks. You can get medical, emotional and spiritual support, and it's paid for (generally) by Medicare. Meanwhile, pose this same question to his doctor. Likely, his tissue is breaking down as his organs are failing him. Death is often a slow process. Please get help with his care so you can care for yourself, too.
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Question
My aunt is not in touch with her mother, should I tell my aunt about her mother’s deteriorating health?
Sadly, many families have these issues. I feel so sorry for you and your Grandma. She is so fortunate to have you. I agree that... Sadly, many families have these issues. I feel so sorry for you and your Grandma.
She is so fortunate to have you.
I agree that contacting the family in a straightforward, but not confrontational manner like a family newsletter, just stating how Grandma is doing physically and mentally, that she is pained by the estrangement, and that it would be wonderful to get together while she can still do that, is a good idea.
E-mail will work if you have all the e-mail addresses, otherwise send it out by snail mail. Those who don't respond are mired in some kind of resentment that is their own load to bear. No one will change them - so don't blame yourself for not doing enough. Maybe some of them will soften is they finally "get it" that Grandma won't be around forever. I hope so for their sakes as much as your grandmother's. And yours. Take care,
You are doing all you can.
Carol see more
She is so fortunate to have you.
I agree that contacting the family in a straightforward, but not confrontational manner like a family newsletter, just stating how Grandma is doing physically and mentally, that she is pained by the estrangement, and that it would be wonderful to get together while she can still do that, is a good idea.
E-mail will work if you have all the e-mail addresses, otherwise send it out by snail mail. Those who don't respond are mired in some kind of resentment that is their own load to bear. No one will change them - so don't blame yourself for not doing enough. Maybe some of them will soften is they finally "get it" that Grandma won't be around forever. I hope so for their sakes as much as your grandmother's. And yours. Take care,
You are doing all you can.
Carol see more
Question
How long does a cancer patient have to live when the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes?
I'm sorry about your dad. Each person is different. Your father's doctor will have to answer these questions, though even medical... I'm sorry about your dad. Each person is different. Your father's doctor will have to answer these questions, though even medical people are often hesitate to put a timeline on someone's life. However, you may want to talk to the doctor to see if hospice care is something to consider in the near future. The can help keep him comfortable. People qualify for hospice care who have been diagnosed as having six months or less to live. Hospice personnel are generally very good about answering questions about the patient's health.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
I think my father's doctor did something wrong medically to harm him. How do I get another doctor to see him?
I'm so sorry! Isn't there another medical group somewhere near? I'm not sure you'll get anywhere because these things are... I'm so sorry! Isn't there another medical group somewhere near? I'm not sure you'll get anywhere because these things are difficult to prove (fault), but he sure could use better care now, if that's a possibility.
This has to be so wearing for you all - please keep in touch,
Carol see more
This has to be so wearing for you all - please keep in touch,
Carol see more
Question
How do you deal with a secret that you wish you didn't know about?
I believe this is part of the dementia - she is living in the past - not the present - and she may even be getting different things mixed... I believe this is part of the dementia - she is living in the past - not the present - and she may even be getting different things mixed up together.
At any rate, this is painful for you - even more so considering your tragic background. You may want to talk to a professional counselor for a few sessions just to help you cope. This is bringing up a lot of issues for you, and it's not likely to get easier.
As to whether to tell your sisters or not - that would depend on your relationship with them. Again, you may want to ask a professional counselor about this, as it's way beyond the norm of what most people have to deal with.
Take care of yourself, please.
Carol see more
At any rate, this is painful for you - even more so considering your tragic background. You may want to talk to a professional counselor for a few sessions just to help you cope. This is bringing up a lot of issues for you, and it's not likely to get easier.
As to whether to tell your sisters or not - that would depend on your relationship with them. Again, you may want to ask a professional counselor about this, as it's way beyond the norm of what most people have to deal with.
Take care of yourself, please.
Carol see more
Question
Is there equipment to carry a wheelchair on the back of my car?
Ow! My back still feels the effects of lifting wheelchairs in and out of my (then) two door car. They are heavy. There are bicycle holders... Ow! My back still feels the effects of lifting wheelchairs in and out of my (then) two door car. They are heavy. There are bicycle holders for cars, but I don't know of any wheelchair devices. Anyone out there know something?
You maybe could call local places that sell wheelchairs and see if they have ideas. I checked online and didn't find what I think you are looking for.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You maybe could call local places that sell wheelchairs and see if they have ideas. I checked online and didn't find what I think you are looking for.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had a bad experience with the drug Risperidone?
I've heard of many negative effects. You are wise to suspect any new drug as giving problems. Please check with the doctor about trying... I've heard of many negative effects. You are wise to suspect any new drug as giving problems. Please check with the doctor about trying another medication or changing dosage. What works for one person doesn't always work for another.
Take care - your are likely exhausted from coping with this. But another consultation with the doctor sounds like it's needed.
Carol see more
Take care - your are likely exhausted from coping with this. But another consultation with the doctor sounds like it's needed.
Carol see more
Question
How do I speed up the process of getting the VA to approve mother's surviving spouse pension?
Your frustration resonates, believe me! However, if anyone knows who to speed up the process, I'd love to hear from them. I don't... Your frustration resonates, believe me! However, if anyone knows who to speed up the process, I'd love to hear from them. I don't think there is anyway to make them go faster, but I'm serious. Has anyone out there been able to speed up the VA process?
Good luck to you. I hope they are almost ready with your case.
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Good luck to you. I hope they are almost ready with your case.
Carol see more
Question
How do I enroll in the Cash and Counseling program?
AgingCare.com has a great article that outlines this program. Check it out here:... AgingCare.com has a great article that outlines this program. Check it out here: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Medicaid-Cash-and-Counseling-Allows-Pay-for-Family-Caregivers-133268.htm . Florida is an "income capped state" - likely your grandmother qualifies for Medicaid so that would work for you. The other option is to just call your Medicaid office and let them help you.
Good luck. I hope you get help.
Carol see more
Good luck. I hope you get help.
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Question
How can a will be created for my father if he suffers from dementia?
You are smart to want a will just to ensure that there is peace with your siblings. However, at this stage, it's hard to know if you... You are smart to want a will just to ensure that there is peace with your siblings. However, at this stage, it's hard to know if you can get one drawn up. Your location may make a difference. Having the POA may make a difference. The fairness of your father's wishes may help. I'd contact an estate attorney and ask for advice. I think it's the only way you'll know for sure.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What do you do when you feel unloved, unappreciated and have no friends?
You sound as though a visit with your doctor is in order. You could have a low grade infection or depression which can make people feel... You sound as though a visit with your doctor is in order. You could have a low grade infection or depression which can make people feel friendless and lonely, so please make an appointment.
Volunteering is a very good way to feel useful and make friends. Helping others is often the best way to help ourselves when we are lonely. If you have problems with transportation, contact your local senior services and ask about van transportation for volunteers. But first you have to feel good enough to reach out, which is where medical help may be needed. Please check back with us and tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
Volunteering is a very good way to feel useful and make friends. Helping others is often the best way to help ourselves when we are lonely. If you have problems with transportation, contact your local senior services and ask about van transportation for volunteers. But first you have to feel good enough to reach out, which is where medical help may be needed. Please check back with us and tell us how you are doing.
Carol see more
What can we do for my grandmother who is having trouble falling asleep at nights?
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