Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I find the appropriate and affordable living facility for my mother?
Hi Carmen, A place to start is the home page of agingcare.com. Type the Zip code where you want housing into the search and see what comes... Hi Carmen,
A place to start is the home page of agingcare.com. Type the Zip code where you want housing into the search and see what comes up. You can check out these choices. Assisted living may be your best option.
You can also call around in the area and set up tours. It always takes footwork, but if you can get a start on the computer, you may want to try it. Then go to the phone, and get more information.
Affordable is different for everyone. If your mother has very little income she may qualify for subsidized housing, but again, you'd have to check with the county or nearby city of your choice, so a Zip code check may help. You can call Social Services in Westchester County to see if they have a list of subsidized housing as well. The problem here is that there is generally a waiting list.
Good luck in your search. This is always stressful,
Carol see more
A place to start is the home page of agingcare.com. Type the Zip code where you want housing into the search and see what comes up. You can check out these choices. Assisted living may be your best option.
You can also call around in the area and set up tours. It always takes footwork, but if you can get a start on the computer, you may want to try it. Then go to the phone, and get more information.
Affordable is different for everyone. If your mother has very little income she may qualify for subsidized housing, but again, you'd have to check with the county or nearby city of your choice, so a Zip code check may help. You can call Social Services in Westchester County to see if they have a list of subsidized housing as well. The problem here is that there is generally a waiting list.
Good luck in your search. This is always stressful,
Carol see more
Question
Why are there so many government rules and regulations getting into a nursing home on Medicaid?
There are some amazing answers on here - thanks all of you! Medicaid will be possible once you assets run out - Medicaid help for the... There are some amazing answers on here - thanks all of you!
Medicaid will be possible once you assets run out - Medicaid help for the poor so you need to qualify financially. Medicare doesn't pay for nursing homes, long-term, though as has been pointed out, states vary with what they pay for.
If your doctor says you need nursing home care, you likely can get it, but it will probably be private pay until you no longer have assets, then you will qualify for Medicaid.
I agree that you may need another doctor to help you jump through the hoops. I also agree you may need to get on a nursing home list, as the best ones often have waiting lists. However, that can change fast when many of their residents are in the 80s and 90s. So, don't let a list discourage you.
The suggestion that you go to www.medicare.gov is excellent. If you spend time on the site you can get some good information. Do some of the footwork yourself (or get a friend or family member to do it), and see if a different doctor is necessary. Maybe being more insistent about your need for better care is what is needed with this doctor. Good luck - it's often a longer and more complicated journey to get care than it should be, but that is the reality we face at this time.
Carol see more
Medicaid will be possible once you assets run out - Medicaid help for the poor so you need to qualify financially. Medicare doesn't pay for nursing homes, long-term, though as has been pointed out, states vary with what they pay for.
If your doctor says you need nursing home care, you likely can get it, but it will probably be private pay until you no longer have assets, then you will qualify for Medicaid.
I agree that you may need another doctor to help you jump through the hoops. I also agree you may need to get on a nursing home list, as the best ones often have waiting lists. However, that can change fast when many of their residents are in the 80s and 90s. So, don't let a list discourage you.
The suggestion that you go to www.medicare.gov is excellent. If you spend time on the site you can get some good information. Do some of the footwork yourself (or get a friend or family member to do it), and see if a different doctor is necessary. Maybe being more insistent about your need for better care is what is needed with this doctor. Good luck - it's often a longer and more complicated journey to get care than it should be, but that is the reality we face at this time.
Carol see more
Question
Are we at risk of losing Medicare if my dad was released from rehab and we do not provide him with the full-ti...
Ralph has some very good advice and this is his specialty. Looking into all options if a good idea. Thanks for the tips, Ralph!
Carol
Carol
Question
If cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, what changes should we expect to see in the coming months?
I'm so sorry. This is hard to digest, but it seems the oncologist is telling you that there is no cure. You could get a second opinion... I'm so sorry. This is hard to digest, but it seems the oncologist is telling you that there is no cure. You could get a second opinion to be sure, if you feel that is necessary.
The changes will show in how tired he feels, more infections and likely increasing pain. Please consider hospice care when medical opinion says he has six months or less to live. Hospice will control his pain and offer support - practical, emotional and spiritual - to him and your whole family. Some people live longer under hospice care, because pain is controlled. The doctor will help with these decisions if you ask. Take care of yourself, too. This is all difficult to handle.
Carol see more
The changes will show in how tired he feels, more infections and likely increasing pain. Please consider hospice care when medical opinion says he has six months or less to live. Hospice will control his pain and offer support - practical, emotional and spiritual - to him and your whole family. Some people live longer under hospice care, because pain is controlled. The doctor will help with these decisions if you ask. Take care of yourself, too. This is all difficult to handle.
Carol see more
Question
I live in a 55+ community. Can my husband move in with me if he is 2 years younger?
I'm assuming you live in a 55-and-old community. I would think that if he is your husband, that shouldn't keep you from living... I'm assuming you live in a 55-and-old community. I would think that if he is your husband, that shouldn't keep you from living there. You'd have to check the rules, but if you are married, it wouldn't make sense that he couldn't. Good luck with this,
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Carol see more
Question
How does Medicaid Estate Recovery work when the surviving spouse owned the home jointly?
You'd have to ask the MN Medicaid people directly to be sure (states differ) but I think if you sell this house, they can step in. It... You'd have to ask the MN Medicaid people directly to be sure (states differ) but I think if you sell this house, they can step in. It seems unfair with you being so much younger, but that would most likely be the case. As I say, to be sure, you should check with MN Medicaid, or else an elder law attorney who could perhaps help you find a different solution.
I chuckled about your "living in sin" agreement - many older couples are just having commitment ceremonies, which are not "legal", therefore they don't run into these issues. It's complicated even then, though, because if your husband had wanted to leave the house to you, you'd still have the same lien against it.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I chuckled about your "living in sin" agreement - many older couples are just having commitment ceremonies, which are not "legal", therefore they don't run into these issues. It's complicated even then, though, because if your husband had wanted to leave the house to you, you'd still have the same lien against it.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What do I do if my father doesn't like his home health-care aide?
Some people of your father's generation are still apt to have misguided racial issues just out of habit, especially if they've... Some people of your father's generation are still apt to have misguided racial issues just out of habit, especially if they've lived in a community that has little ethnic variation. Some of that thinking may enter in to his complaining, but then when you suggest you get someone else, he realizes he has no grounds for the complaints and realizes that he even likes her.
It seems that you have two choices - keep doing what you are doing and just detach from his complaining, as he may complain about anyone, just because he needs to complain. The other choice is to go ahead and call the agency. Tell the supervisor that while this caregiver is really very good, your dad has times when he doesn't think he likes her, so maybe there could be a switch in personnel. Make it plain that this isn't the caregiver's fault, but your dad's personality. Frankly, I doubt that a change in caregivers will improve things, and you may get someone who truly isn't good. Only you can decide what's worth doing.
Take care of yourself. We know it's rough.
Carol see more
It seems that you have two choices - keep doing what you are doing and just detach from his complaining, as he may complain about anyone, just because he needs to complain. The other choice is to go ahead and call the agency. Tell the supervisor that while this caregiver is really very good, your dad has times when he doesn't think he likes her, so maybe there could be a switch in personnel. Make it plain that this isn't the caregiver's fault, but your dad's personality. Frankly, I doubt that a change in caregivers will improve things, and you may get someone who truly isn't good. Only you can decide what's worth doing.
Take care of yourself. We know it's rough.
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find help caring for my wife with dementia?
Try calling the Alzheimer's organization in your community or go to www.alz.org. Your wife's dementia may not be Alzheimer's -... Try calling the Alzheimer's organization in your community or go to www.alz.org. Your wife's dementia may not be Alzheimer's - you didn't say. It could be vascular or another type, or mix of dementias. But all the same, you will get good advice and support from them. Also, please check the topics on agingcare.com for support from other caregivers.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Is there financial assistance for an elder on disability who recently had a stroke and heart attached qualify...
If the elder is on disability, he or she likely has Medicaid for health insurance. I'd check with your local Social Services people to... If the elder is on disability, he or she likely has Medicaid for health insurance. I'd check with your local Social Services people to see if Medicaid in your state pays for any assistance for you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My husband went into our backyard in just his underwear yesterday. Does this mean he is senile?
If this is the only sign, probably not. He may have just been distracted. Watch for real personality changes and significant, repeated... If this is the only sign, probably not. He may have just been distracted. Watch for real personality changes and significant, repeated memory loss, before you get too concerned. Changes in behavior are significant in Alzheimer's disease, but one incident doesn't mean a whole lot.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
Caregivers have a 63% higher chance of dying due to the stress of caregiving. How are we supposed to take care...
Getting help - some kind of respite - is necessary. Statistics put caregiver death at 30% or higher - before the death of the care... Getting help - some kind of respite - is necessary. Statistics put caregiver death at 30% or higher - before the death of the care receiver! That's very sobering, indeed.
So, please take this seriously. Contact the Alzheimer's Association at www.alz.org or call your local chapter. They can be an enormous help.
Carol see more
So, please take this seriously. Contact the Alzheimer's Association at www.alz.org or call your local chapter. They can be an enormous help.
Carol see more
Question
What type of behavior can I expect from my husband who is suffering from mild cognitive impairment?
Hi Mary, Jeanne had good things to say. I would add that there are other forms of illness that can cause behavior like this, so be sure the... Hi Mary,
Jeanne had good things to say. I would add that there are other forms of illness that can cause behavior like this, so be sure the doctor has explored all avenues.
The doctor is trying Alzheimer's medications, so he or she is likely thinking that you husband is on the brink of Alzheimer's. The nasty behavior signifies more than just MCI to me, though I'm not a medical person. Stages of Alzheimer's can "go back and forth," which is why your husband may be close to his "old self" most of the time, but then turn into a different personality at other times. Keep seeing the doctor and ask for updates on his state of health.
Also, please contact the Alzheimer's Association for guidance, at www.alz.org. They can help you take each step and they have a helpline, plus support groups. Your local Alzheimer's organization will also be very helpful. Remember to try to take care of yourself. This is a long journey.
Carol see more
Jeanne had good things to say. I would add that there are other forms of illness that can cause behavior like this, so be sure the doctor has explored all avenues.
The doctor is trying Alzheimer's medications, so he or she is likely thinking that you husband is on the brink of Alzheimer's. The nasty behavior signifies more than just MCI to me, though I'm not a medical person. Stages of Alzheimer's can "go back and forth," which is why your husband may be close to his "old self" most of the time, but then turn into a different personality at other times. Keep seeing the doctor and ask for updates on his state of health.
Also, please contact the Alzheimer's Association for guidance, at www.alz.org. They can help you take each step and they have a helpline, plus support groups. Your local Alzheimer's organization will also be very helpful. Remember to try to take care of yourself. This is a long journey.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had a Nursing Home or Long Term Care facility contact them regarding the potential non-payment of S...
This is interesting. I'd love to see if anyone has gotten any notice.
Thanks for the question.
Carol
Thanks for the question.
Carol
Question
What foods are best to prepare for my mom who suffers from diarrhea?
I'd have her see a doctor. Medications could be causing this, but so could gall bladder problems or other health issues. Diarrhea this... I'd have her see a doctor. Medications could be causing this, but so could gall bladder problems or other health issues. Diarrhea this severe could lead to dehydration, so it's not just about the mess and inconvenience. She may have a significant health issue going on. For loose stools, food changes can help, but for something this significant, she should be seen by a doctor.
We're with you on this,
Carol see more
We're with you on this,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get my mom to wear her "Magic Underpants?"
It's often a struggle to get an elder to wear protection for incontinence. I love your use of "magic underpants - your are very... It's often a struggle to get an elder to wear protection for incontinence. I love your use of "magic underpants - your are very creative, and are doing the number one thing people need to do, which is you are trying to preserve her dignity and not calling them "diapers."
Are they comfortable? Is a different size needed? Maybe it's just the extra bulk that makes her take them off.
A size or brand change may help. Keep telling her how much more comfortable it is to wake up in a dry bed. Let her know that many people wear these magic underpants and then they don't have to struggle.
Could you wear them, too, for awhile? Let her know the "help you", too? Would that work? It's just a thought.
Carol see more
Are they comfortable? Is a different size needed? Maybe it's just the extra bulk that makes her take them off.
A size or brand change may help. Keep telling her how much more comfortable it is to wake up in a dry bed. Let her know that many people wear these magic underpants and then they don't have to struggle.
Could you wear them, too, for awhile? Let her know the "help you", too? Would that work? It's just a thought.
Carol see more
Question
If my mom is expected to pass away soon what should I do with her money and bank account before she dies?
Does she own a lot of money? I'm not sure that pulling out now - if she will die soon - will matter anyway. But you maybe should check... Does she own a lot of money? I'm not sure that pulling out now - if she will die soon - will matter anyway. But you maybe should check with the bank, first, and then check with an elder law attorney, if your mom owes money. If you are only worried about the account being closed, just ask your bank. I don't think it would be, but you should check.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I handle the terrible home care that my elderly loved one keeps getting?
It's horrible that she was moved from such a fine facility and back for you to handle. You sister is probably trying to save money for... It's horrible that she was moved from such a fine facility and back for you to handle. You sister is probably trying to save money for inheritance purposes, because assisted living is expensive. But so is 24/7 care! I'm amazed that it this went to court at all, but I suppose then the judge felt that if she wanted to go home she should. The judge should have considered the doctor's opinion. Did you have legal representation?
Anyway, that is done, so you need to move forward. It's hard to know what you should do after what you've already tried. You could try to go to court again, with more doctor's behind you. I'd suggest you get you own doctor behind you. This has got to be affecting YOUR health. Maybe then, a judge would consider that this isn't about one person's health, but two.
Good luck with this. Please let us know how this evolves,
Carol see more
Anyway, that is done, so you need to move forward. It's hard to know what you should do after what you've already tried. You could try to go to court again, with more doctor's behind you. I'd suggest you get you own doctor behind you. This has got to be affecting YOUR health. Maybe then, a judge would consider that this isn't about one person's health, but two.
Good luck with this. Please let us know how this evolves,
Carol see more
Question
What are the signs of an elder who has stage 4 congestive heart failure?
Hi Meggie, Irregular heart beat is the most serious sign, though a doctor would have examine the patient to be sure where he or she is as... Hi Meggie,
Irregular heart beat is the most serious sign, though a doctor would have examine the patient to be sure where he or she is as far as the disease progression goes. Stage 4 is getting to a serious stage, so medical help is needed for monitoring, or at least for advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Irregular heart beat is the most serious sign, though a doctor would have examine the patient to be sure where he or she is as far as the disease progression goes. Stage 4 is getting to a serious stage, so medical help is needed for monitoring, or at least for advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What is the best way to assist an elder who needs help walking?
There are many variables with this depending on the person's weaknesses. I'd suggest you call the physical therapy section of a... There are many variables with this depending on the person's weaknesses. I'd suggest you call the physical therapy section of a local clinic or hospital for some help. Most nursing homes use "gait belts" that are wide, strong belts that go around the person they are helping, so that the aide can keep a good hold on the person. Again, there may be issues with this particular person as to whether or not you use a gait belt. Please check with the doctor or clinic and tell them about any heath issues this person may have. They can give you advice tailored to the person's needs.
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Carol see more
What's next and will it ever end?
Take care of yourself - you've done all you can for your mom.
Carol see more