Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
With long-term health care, how much are the upfront costs when entering someone into an Alzheimer's Facility?
As far as I know, that is it. The first month. Then, if there is LTC insurance, that will kick in and may reimburse you. If not, you pay... As far as I know, that is it. The first month. Then, if there is LTC insurance, that will kick in and may reimburse you. If not, you pay privately by the month until assets get to the point where the person would go on Medicaid (generally about $2000, but apply before that time).
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Question
Mom is on Medicaid and has an Income Cap Trust Fund. What can we legally spend her money on?
This is a bit confusing. Since Medicaid is a joint effort between states and the Federal government, you really should check with someone... This is a bit confusing. Since Medicaid is a joint effort between states and the Federal government, you really should check with someone who knows Medicaid in Oregon. If the department itself is giving you confusing information (can't have her toenails cut???), then you may want to talk with a knowledgeable elder law attorney. I know this would cost some money (of yours), but one session may do it and then you'd know what is legal. The idea her money can be spent for grandchildren's gifts but not her own health care doesn't make sense.
Good luck. Medicaid can be confusing.
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Good luck. Medicaid can be confusing.
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Question
My mom is incontinent and has chronic diarrhea. How can I keep her sanitary?
I think you need to talk to the doctor about professional help - maybe even a nursing home, if he or she can't come up with a... I think you need to talk to the doctor about professional help - maybe even a nursing home, if he or she can't come up with a solution. First of all, your mom can't be getting the nutrients she needs with all of that going on.
Secondly, you may be right about an infection on your finger, so you should have that checked out.
Thirdly, you have no life - please get some help, whether it's in-home help or a nursing home. I doubt that assisted living could take her.
I know you are trying to do the best thing for her, but you can't live your life this way. Your health could go, and then your mom won't have anyone.
If the doctor has no medical help for this, then please consider asking him if a nursing home is right for her.
This is a medical problem, not just an inconvenience. You would then be able to be a daughter to her, no just keep cleaning her up.
Take care of yourself before you can't help her - please!
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Secondly, you may be right about an infection on your finger, so you should have that checked out.
Thirdly, you have no life - please get some help, whether it's in-home help or a nursing home. I doubt that assisted living could take her.
I know you are trying to do the best thing for her, but you can't live your life this way. Your health could go, and then your mom won't have anyone.
If the doctor has no medical help for this, then please consider asking him if a nursing home is right for her.
This is a medical problem, not just an inconvenience. You would then be able to be a daughter to her, no just keep cleaning her up.
Take care of yourself before you can't help her - please!
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Question
Can I obtain guardianship for my out of state mother?
I don't think it's a matter of where you live, but whether she is considered unable to make her own decisions. Either way,... I don't think it's a matter of where you live, but whether she is considered unable to make her own decisions. Either way, you'll like need to go through an attorney, so you may want to check with an elder law attorney on this issue. State laws vary, so what works in one state may not work in another.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
Could losing my wallet 5 years ago be the reason why my mother and I were victims of credit card fraud this ye...
This is awful for you. It's possible they are connected, however the credit cards would have had to be renewed, so it's hard to... This is awful for you. It's possible they are connected, however the credit cards would have had to be renewed, so it's hard to tell. I hope you are working with the police. It's a horribly long process. My heart goes out to you.
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Question
Where can I find low-income affordable assisted living for my elderly father?
Sorry, I missed the SSI (duh!). Yes, he should get into subsidized housing. Medicaid may pay for some assisted care. Try them first.
Question
Where can I find low-income affordable assisted living for my elderly father?
Is he on Medicaid? They generally have senior housing, but sometimes there's a waiting list. If not, check with your housing agency in... Is he on Medicaid? They generally have senior housing, but sometimes there's a waiting list. If not, check with your housing agency in the community and see what their requirements are. There may be something for him.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
What are the pros and cons to using a private caregiver rather than going through an agency?
Liulliput covered this well. I've written about the pros and cons - you do become the employer - unless, since these are people already... Liulliput covered this well. I've written about the pros and cons - you do become the employer - unless, since these are people already working for others in the facility, they are set up as a small business and have their own worker’s compensation and such. You should check into this. If they are an independent contractor, you may not be liable. If they are not – then you become the employer. It’s easier to go with an agency in many ways because of backup help and they do the background check. However, there are some gems that are self-employed. If you go with someone private, you may want to check your responsibility with our state small business people.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My spouse with dementia, injured me so badly I had to have eye surgery. How do I tell our adult children I can...
You need to tell your children up front what happened. Alzheimer's changes personalities and can make the most gentle person act... You need to tell your children up front what happened. Alzheimer's changes personalities and can make the most gentle person act aggressively, out of fear. This signals a time for outside help, preferably a memory unit where the staff knows how to handle this stage of dementia. Your children should understand this. If they don't, they need to talk with the doctor about it. You can't be put in harms way.
Take care of yourself now, please!
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Take care of yourself now, please!
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Question
How do I deal with feelings of anger and resentment towards my sister, while caring for our father?
You may have to have a doctor or social worker talk some sense into your sister. You have to get outside help. You've got too much... You may have to have a doctor or social worker talk some sense into your sister. You have to get outside help. You've got too much stress and that isn't good for anyone. Please try to get a third party of some type to talk with your sister so she understands the full scope of the situation. You and your family are suffering and this is going on for a long time. You can hire in-home services for nearly any type of care. You need to stand up to your sister and someone outside of the family can help you. Please look until you find a medical person to serve in that role.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How do you deal with life after caregiving?
I understand about nursing homes - and even social activities. Everyone is different, and socialization (and even exercise) when a person... I understand about nursing homes - and even social activities. Everyone is different, and socialization (and even exercise) when a person is depressed can seem impossible. I'm so happy you are seeing a psychiatrist. Have you tried Catholic Charities (you don't have to be Catholic) to see if they can set you up with a counselor on a sliding scale? You really need to take care of yourself. I know enough about the despair of depression (I have a family member who suffers from major depression) to know there are no easy fixes. Some people respond to medications, but finding the right one is a process. Please keep trying. My heart goes out to you.
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Question
How do I start the conversation with my family about putting my mother in a nursing home?
You need to find a third party to speak with and for you. A social worker through a local non-profit may be able to help. They can assess... You need to find a third party to speak with and for you. A social worker through a local non-profit may be able to help. They can assess the situation, and gather the siblings and let them now how things stand. Your siblings have had it made and they don't want things to change.
Also, ask the doctor for direction. Few people want to go to a nursing home, especially when a family member does everything for them, but you need to consider your marriage, your child and your own health. Please find someone outside the family to direct a meeting and get this rolling. It's time.
Good luck,
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Also, ask the doctor for direction. Few people want to go to a nursing home, especially when a family member does everything for them, but you need to consider your marriage, your child and your own health. Please find someone outside the family to direct a meeting and get this rolling. It's time.
Good luck,
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Question
My sisters hold grudges for things that happened years ago. Why will they not let things go and focus on what...
Your sister and brother-in-law showed their true colors when that altercation occurred. You could have filed charges. It sounds as though... Your sister and brother-in-law showed their true colors when that altercation occurred. You could have filed charges. It sounds as though there may be mental illness or substance abuse or something going on with them. However, it's your mom and you who matter.
First - I'm thrilled you went to counseling. That was wise and you should try to keep that up. You can't let the anxiety of this situation kill you. Is there some way to get your mom into assisted living where professionals are around to monitor things? Her health would be better controlled and any abuse from your siblings would be noticed. It's too bad the visiting nurses aren't reporting the health problems, but they likely don't know the full story and they certainly don't want to get in the middle of family squabbles.
You could try to get a family mediator to talk with the whole family, but they sound so out of control that they likely wouldn't meet. You may have to turn your mom's situation over to Social Services if you can't get help elsewhere. Please take care of yourself.
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First - I'm thrilled you went to counseling. That was wise and you should try to keep that up. You can't let the anxiety of this situation kill you. Is there some way to get your mom into assisted living where professionals are around to monitor things? Her health would be better controlled and any abuse from your siblings would be noticed. It's too bad the visiting nurses aren't reporting the health problems, but they likely don't know the full story and they certainly don't want to get in the middle of family squabbles.
You could try to get a family mediator to talk with the whole family, but they sound so out of control that they likely wouldn't meet. You may have to turn your mom's situation over to Social Services if you can't get help elsewhere. Please take care of yourself.
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Question
How do you deal with life after caregiving?
For a number of us, finding a passion in the senior/elder care field is therapeutic. Even writing in a journal can help, however. Remember... For a number of us, finding a passion in the senior/elder care field is therapeutic. Even writing in a journal can help, however. Remember that what you learned as a caregiver has given you skills and maturity not everyone has. Use this to volunteer in a nursing home or other place that helps seniors. There are many. Start a support group in your community for people in your situation. If you talk, write and keep yourself occupied, you will likely feel better. If not, please see a doctor about depression. Many people who have gone through dramatic life changes have problems with depression, so please don't feel alone. Get help.
Take care of yourself,
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Take care of yourself,
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Question
How do we decide what's best for our mom with Alzheimer’s when one sibling insists on her way?
I would check with the Alzheimer's Association to see if a social worker can guide your family in a meeting. When you add a third party... I would check with the Alzheimer's Association to see if a social worker can guide your family in a meeting. When you add a third party to the mix, people tend to "behave" better, because family dynamics are removed. If your local Alz. Assn. can't have a social worker present for your meeting, they can at least advise you. Family mediators are a available, as well, though you'll have to pay.
It's sad, but common, that one sibling can often throw a kink in elder care. You family needs to come to some agreement (as you've said). Also, comments from cmagnum apply. Who has the POA fits into this.
Take care,
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It's sad, but common, that one sibling can often throw a kink in elder care. You family needs to come to some agreement (as you've said). Also, comments from cmagnum apply. Who has the POA fits into this.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can my mother get Medicare and Medicaid at the same time?
Thanks, Gabriel. This is important information.
Carol
Carol
Question
My mom was diagnosed with ALS yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with this along with dementia?
I'm so sorry. You are right to find some comfort in that her Alzheimer's will prevent her from totally understanding her ALS. ALS... I'm so sorry. You are right to find some comfort in that her Alzheimer's will prevent her from totally understanding her ALS. ALS is frightening. Please look to hospice for her care, as they can help her with the distressing feeling of gradually losing control. The last things with ALS is the inability to breathe - one of the most frightening things for anyone. Hospice is skilled at helping people through these diseases, letting them live the best quality of life they can have - while they can. Since the doctor gives her only two to three months, she would qualify. Please talk to the doctor about this. Hospice chaplains can help you cope as you go through it with her, and with losing her to ALS.
Take care of yourself, too.
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Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
How do I handle a household move with minimal upset on arrival?
You do have some a tough choice here - but you may grow to like the area where your family lives. In the end only you can decide which... You do have some a tough choice here - but you may grow to like the area where your family lives. In the end only you can decide which matters most to you, being near family or in a location you really like. Your husband will likely struggle with the move, too, so try to make this just one move, if you do it. I'd make a physical list of pros and cons, then set the list aside. Add and subtract to the columns as you decide what matters most to you.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
Five years ago my 88-year-old mother’s credit card was stolen and $25,000 of merchandise was charged. Now my m...
Yes, you need an attorney. This is awful. The law student idea may work, or else you can contact your State Bar Association and see is... Yes, you need an attorney. This is awful. The law student idea may work, or else you can contact your State Bar Association and see is there's an attorney who will take on your case pro bono (without cost). Explore your options through your state legal system because you really need help.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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How do I cope with my dad’s paranoia?
Good luck,
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