Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What can I do legally against my brother who emptied out my mother’s place?
You may need an elder law attorney. Try http://www.naela.org/Public/ for the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Good luck,
Carol
Carol
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Is there financial help for caregivers in South Carolina?
Try going to the S.C. state website. You can look for local care there. depending on his age and other factors, he may qualify for... Try going to the S.C. state website. You can look for local care there. depending on his age and other factors, he may qualify for Medicaid. He may need to move to a nursing home in order to get the care he needs.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
I just can't do it anymore. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. Am I a terrible person?
You are not selfish! You've done so much and have so much else that's needed. Stress is a very likely cause of your own health... You are not selfish! You've done so much and have so much else that's needed. Stress is a very likely cause of your own health problems, so that is a warning. Somehow, you have to get other help for your mom. If siblings can't help more, then in-home help or even assisted living should be investigated. Try going to your state website. Type "aging" in the search box and look for your local National Family Caregiver Support Program. These people should be able to give you some local information.
Also, if you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community, please contact them. You can go to www.n4a.org and type in your Zip code. These people are amazing. I wish every community were covered. Many are, however, so try them. You need to do something for yourself.
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Also, if you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community, please contact them. You can go to www.n4a.org and type in your Zip code. These people are amazing. I wish every community were covered. Many are, however, so try them. You need to do something for yourself.
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Question
My dad was just informed that he is legally blind. What does he receive in Medicare to help him?
Try going to www.medicare.gov/caregivers. Ask Medicare has a lot of information on specific illnesses. If he has few assets, he may qualify... Try going to www.medicare.gov/caregivers. Ask Medicare has a lot of information on specific illnesses. If he has few assets, he may qualify for Medicaid. If he has assets, he may have to pay for any help he requires. Not every state is the same however. Some states have other assistance, so please go to his state website and type "aging" in the search box. Look for links that can be helpful, including the National Family Caregiver Support Program.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How much time do most adult children spend with their parents each week, because with my mother it's never eno...
It's likely that with your mother it will never be enough. So, please don't let her guilt-trip you. There's no average. It... It's likely that with your mother it will never be enough. So, please don't let her guilt-trip you. There's no average. It depends on needs, ability of family members to visit, and other issues. If she really needs help, in-home help could be hired. My guess is that she's lonely and could benefit from either in-home companions or assisted living, where she would have a social life. However, some people will still insist only their family can take care of them. Many of them aware that this is control, but do it anyway. It's up to you to set limits, let go of the guilt, and then find her the help she really needs. Balance is hard to find, but please work on it for everyone's sake.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How do we help my mother-in-law with painful Collagenous Colitis?
Most of those diseases are made worse by stress. Is there any chance that she may have reduced stress is she moved closer to you or another... Most of those diseases are made worse by stress. Is there any chance that she may have reduced stress is she moved closer to you or another adult child? Or in an assisted living center if she already knows people? Many people, at 80, still want to be independent, yet they worry (very real worries) about being alone. Perhaps other living arrangements would, in the end, help her?
I hope so. This is not a good way for her to live her last years.
Take care,
Carol see more
I hope so. This is not a good way for her to live her last years.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I find out more about respite care and is there a charge for it?
You can try your local social services. Often some free respite care dollars go to waste (government funds) because people don't know... You can try your local social services. Often some free respite care dollars go to waste (government funds) because people don't know the money for this care exists! This is not enough for continual care, but it could help. PACE is wonderful, but not everyone has it. Please do check that out. You can check many things on your state website. Type "aging" in the search box and follow the links. You'll find your state's version of the Family Caregiver Support Program. Check with these folks by following the links. Good luck,
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Carol see more
Question
How do I determine if mom is now entering into last stage Dementia?
This decline is so hard to watch in our parents. I'd say that unless the doctor has another reason (medications that may be changed or... This decline is so hard to watch in our parents. I'd say that unless the doctor has another reason (medications that may be changed or something) that it sounds as though your mom is entering last stages (swallowing is one thing that goes). Keep telling her you love her and give her attention even if she doesn't seem to respond. On some level she knows you are you and loving her. You'll never regret this, even if she truly doesn't respond.
Take care of yourself, too.
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Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
What do I do in the event that my mother out lives her money and therefore needs Medicaid?
Contact your local long-term care ombudsman. They can help with the transition and have no "interest" in any particular facility.... Contact your local long-term care ombudsman. They can help with the transition and have no "interest" in any particular facility. You can find this person on your stage website or at http://www.ltcombudsman.org/.
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Question
How can I get my mom to try natural alternatives to her multiple medications?
I agree with the alternative approach, when possible, and that many medications aren't needed when natural foods, water and some... I agree with the alternative approach, when possible, and that many medications aren't needed when natural foods, water and some supplements are taken. But finding a doctor to prescribe the needed medications (and many are), while also acknowledging the success of vitamins, minerals and things like cranberry juice isn't always easy. Tough stuff. Older folks often can't be convinced. Do your best and then I guess you have to let them live their lives. Probiotics come in pill form, and can help digestion, immunity and also problems people get after taking antibiotics, as they replace the healthy bacteria in the body. Sadly, you may not even get one of those capsules down your mom. Keep trying, but don't push too hard, or she'll dig in her heels farther.
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Question
What can I expect from the late stages of Alzheimer’s?
Everyone is a bit different, but the latest stage generally leads to death unless the person dies of something else first. Hospice can... Everyone is a bit different, but the latest stage generally leads to death unless the person dies of something else first.
Hospice can help a great deal if the person is considered terminal. Most people are basically non-communicative in the end stages, but they may understand more than we know. Always consider that the person may understand what is being said, so watch your conversation around him or her. Touch, such as holding a hand, is generally welcome. Music is generally good. Some people like to be read to. Mainly, having someone there is a positive thing. People need to know they are loved, even if they can't respond.
The death process can be quite slow for otherwise healthy people, but gradually the body shuts down.
Check with the Alzheimer's Association for more tips at www.alz.org.
Take care,
Carol see more
Hospice can help a great deal if the person is considered terminal. Most people are basically non-communicative in the end stages, but they may understand more than we know. Always consider that the person may understand what is being said, so watch your conversation around him or her. Touch, such as holding a hand, is generally welcome. Music is generally good. Some people like to be read to. Mainly, having someone there is a positive thing. People need to know they are loved, even if they can't respond.
The death process can be quite slow for otherwise healthy people, but gradually the body shuts down.
Check with the Alzheimer's Association for more tips at www.alz.org.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My ex-husband has my utilities in his name because I has an addiction and couldn’t be responsible for my month...
If he's paying your bills so you have utilities, he may think he is helping you. If he isn't paying them, then it's hurting.... If he's paying your bills so you have utilities, he may think he is helping you. If he isn't paying them, then it's hurting. Either way, you may need to speak to the attorney who handled your divorce, or another attorney, if you think what he's doing is illegal or if you want to change it.
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Carol see more
Question
I want to replace my father's head stone with one from the VA. What are my options?
First you can talk with the cemetery owners. If they can't help you, there is likely an organization in your state that oversees what... First you can talk with the cemetery owners. If they can't help you, there is likely an organization in your state that oversees what they do. Try your state website and type keywords in the box to see what they have. Another idea is to talk with some funeral directors in the area. They are generally up to date on these issues.
Good luck. That marker means a lot.
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Good luck. That marker means a lot.
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Question
How can I convince my mother and sister that my 84-year-old mother should stop trying to raise the 16-year-old...
Could you get a Social Service agency involved? You sound like wonderful people to want to help this boy, and an 84-year-old woman is not... Could you get a Social Service agency involved? You sound like wonderful people to want to help this boy, and an 84-year-old woman is not likely to be the right parent for him. She also may have dementia issues going on, though not everyone that age does. This young boy needs stability. Please see if you can get some backing. Your mom sounds like she will give you trouble no matter what you do.
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Question
How long did it take your family member to get acclimated to assisted living?
PS -(sorry, I hit "submit accidentally) - But with dementia, every day is a new day, so your mom may continue to think she's... PS -(sorry, I hit "submit accidentally) - But with dementia, every day is a new day, so your mom may continue to think she's visiting, and decide she needs to go home. That is, unfortunately, normal for her situation. Stay cheerful, and make some comment about the fact that she's doing to much good for others now, that it may be awhile yet before she goes home. Remember that the home she's "remembering" may not even be the one she left six months ago. It could be her childhood home.
Take care of yourself. It sounds as though she's in the right place. She is living in the moment and/or the past.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself. It sounds as though she's in the right place. She is living in the moment and/or the past.
Carol see more
Question
How long did it take your family member to get acclimated to assisted living?
My mother-in-law loved it immediately, and my mom took a few weeks, even though my dad was already there. Everyone is different, but most... My mother-in-law loved it immediately, and my mom took a few weeks, even though my dad was already there. Everyone is different, but most people take time to get adjusted and to make friends. Once they make some friends, they generally like it a lot, even if they don't always admit it.
Also, few people welcome needing others to assist them, and some accept that more gracefully than others. Therefore, you may never get an open admission to "loving it," but if you observe, you'll likely see some adjustment.
Take care and don't accept unearned guilt,
Carol see more
Also, few people welcome needing others to assist them, and some accept that more gracefully than others. Therefore, you may never get an open admission to "loving it," but if you observe, you'll likely see some adjustment.
Take care and don't accept unearned guilt,
Carol see more
Question
What are some creative ideas to help an elder overcome extreme modesty?
Excessive modesty is a problem for many women of that era. My mother-in-law was like that. We eventually hired an in-home care person to... Excessive modesty is a problem for many women of that era. My mother-in-law was like that. We eventually hired an in-home care person to come and bathe her. She didn't like that either, but she accepted it since the person seemed "medical." She wouldn't allow a family member to help, but she would a stranger. This may see counterintuitive, but when you think about it, it makes sense to some people. They don't want their children to see them naked. A “nurse” is okay.
Other than that, sink baths are fine, but she should sit down, so you could put a chair by the sink and let her know you are available to help should she need it.
Experiment with robes that open in from easily and other ways for her to shield herself. However, do think about an outside person for a once a week bath. It may work.
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Other than that, sink baths are fine, but she should sit down, so you could put a chair by the sink and let her know you are available to help should she need it.
Experiment with robes that open in from easily and other ways for her to shield herself. However, do think about an outside person for a once a week bath. It may work.
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Question
How do I keep my mother from invading every moment and destroying my own health?
You've honored the spirit of your promise to your dad. He wouldn't expect you to destroy your own health and perhaps even your... You've honored the spirit of your promise to your dad. He wouldn't expect you to destroy your own health and perhaps even your marriage, to care for your mother who is obviously ill. Her paranoid behavior could be dementia. Please have her doctor check her for dementia. Whatever the results, 13 years is long enough for this kind of life. She will outlive you if you allow this to go on. It's time to look for a nice assisted living center. She will protest and cry, but do it anyway.
If your siblings think this is so amusing, they need to take their turn caring for her. If they aren't willing to do that, then they need to back you in making this change.
Good luck - you will need to stand firm. But let everyone know your health is threatened by the current situation and you need to get some rest. You can make sure everyone knows you will visit your mom, and that you expect them to do the same.
Carol see more
If your siblings think this is so amusing, they need to take their turn caring for her. If they aren't willing to do that, then they need to back you in making this change.
Good luck - you will need to stand firm. But let everyone know your health is threatened by the current situation and you need to get some rest. You can make sure everyone knows you will visit your mom, and that you expect them to do the same.
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Mom with dementia is coming back from the hospital and I'm dreading it. Where do I start?
Your dad needs a break. Maybe he can stay with you, while you mom goes to a facility. You are right that he may die before she does if this stress continues.
Try www.ltcombudsman.org for the local long-term care ombudsman in your area.
They are skilled at finding the right type of facility and can point you in the direction of a great deal of help.
Also, your state website under "aging" will likely have helpful links. Each state is different, so things get kind of dicey when looking for a "one size fits all" answer.
It does seem to me that you ombudsman is a good place to start (and a doctor appointment, preferably with a geriatrician, but any doctor for a start).
Take care of yourself. You've got a lot on your plate.
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