Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My relationship with my teenage son is suffering terribly due to both of our caregiving roles for my 87-year-o...
Your situation is sad, but all too common. We who have elders and are raising children at the same time often have to make many hard... Your situation is sad, but all too common. We who have elders and are raising children at the same time often have to make many hard choices.
Please remember that your son has needs. Coping with a parent who has Alzheimer's is so draining, that it's sometimes it may be hard to see that this is stressful for your son, as well. He is watching his grandfather deteriorate, plus he is getting less attention from his parent. Both are hard. He's also in a very self-centered stage of life, which makes it even harder for everyone.
I'd suggest some counseling for you both - preferably joint counseling. I know that sounds impossible - it would to me. However, even a spiritual leader's advice, or a few hours of paid therapy just to clear the air could help.
I feel there is little that is more painful for us than to have to choose between the needs of a parent who is going through life with dementia, and our children's needs. Do try to remember that your son's future could be affected greatly by this, so if you need more help with your dad through paid services so you can spend more time with your son, then please try to do it.
Our hearts are with you. keep in touch when you can,
Carol see more
Please remember that your son has needs. Coping with a parent who has Alzheimer's is so draining, that it's sometimes it may be hard to see that this is stressful for your son, as well. He is watching his grandfather deteriorate, plus he is getting less attention from his parent. Both are hard. He's also in a very self-centered stage of life, which makes it even harder for everyone.
I'd suggest some counseling for you both - preferably joint counseling. I know that sounds impossible - it would to me. However, even a spiritual leader's advice, or a few hours of paid therapy just to clear the air could help.
I feel there is little that is more painful for us than to have to choose between the needs of a parent who is going through life with dementia, and our children's needs. Do try to remember that your son's future could be affected greatly by this, so if you need more help with your dad through paid services so you can spend more time with your son, then please try to do it.
Our hearts are with you. keep in touch when you can,
Carol see more
Question
Why does my dad sleep all of the time?
If he needs a feeding tube, he must be pretty ill. I'd talk to the doctor about this. It could be his organs are shutting down, in... If he needs a feeding tube, he must be pretty ill. I'd talk to the doctor about this. It could be his organs are shutting down, in which case he may benefit from hospice care.
If he is not that ill, depression could be the issue. Either way, I'd advise you to discuss this with the doctor - or even a couple of them for different views - to see what the reason is. It could be a natural response to his condition or it could be something that can be made better. The only way to find out is to get expert medical advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
If he is not that ill, depression could be the issue. Either way, I'd advise you to discuss this with the doctor - or even a couple of them for different views - to see what the reason is. It could be a natural response to his condition or it could be something that can be made better. The only way to find out is to get expert medical advice.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Hospice called and said dad has short time to live. We are not close because he abused me as a child. Should I...
If you can afford it, going to see him may be a healing thing to do. The main thing is that if you do go to see him, then you've done... If you can afford it, going to see him may be a healing thing to do. The main thing is that if you do go to see him, then you've done all you can to heal. If you don't, you may later wish you did and it will be too late. In the end, only you can decide, but those are my thoughts.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are Medicaid laws pertaining to paying back Medicaid after death, when person still has property?
The money Medicaid paid out will likely come out of the property. You may want to check with an estate attorney. State laws with Medicaid... The money Medicaid paid out will likely come out of the property. You may want to check with an estate attorney. State laws with Medicaid can vary some.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My mother is accusing me of taking checks from her that she has never received. How do I get her to understand...
This is unfortunately very common with dementia. If she hasn't been diagnosed, you need to get her to a doctor. Infections and... This is unfortunately very common with dementia. If she hasn't been diagnosed, you need to get her to a doctor. Infections and medication reactions can also cause this paranoia.
If she's been diagnosed with dementia, I'd check with her doctor and tell him or her what is happening. There may be a medication change that can help.
Unfortunately, it's possible that this is a phase you must weather. If she trusts some non-family member, you could asked that person to repeatedly explain things to her. Many times, a non-family member is trusted more than a family member. Third party help can be invaluable.
Good luck. This hurts - I know. Many of us have been through similar situations.
Carol see more
If she's been diagnosed with dementia, I'd check with her doctor and tell him or her what is happening. There may be a medication change that can help.
Unfortunately, it's possible that this is a phase you must weather. If she trusts some non-family member, you could asked that person to repeatedly explain things to her. Many times, a non-family member is trusted more than a family member. Third party help can be invaluable.
Good luck. This hurts - I know. Many of us have been through similar situations.
Carol see more
Question
My mother is 83 and currently receives social security income. She is legally blind. Is she is eligible for di...
She may be. You should contact your Social Security disabilities department and see how to proceed. The only way to know is to go jump... She may be. You should contact your Social Security disabilities department and see how to proceed. The only way to know is to go jump through the hoops, or at least contact Social Security with the details.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can I be reimbursed for my expenses while taking care of my mother in an assisted living home?
It's unlikely, but you can check with your state website under "aging." Search the links and look for what is offered for... It's unlikely, but you can check with your state website under "aging." Search the links and look for what is offered for financial assistance. Never say never until you check out local resources.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My brother has Power Of Attorney and I don't think he is looking out for mom. He's not honest or sincere. How...
You would likely have to engage an elder law attorney, if the person who assigned the POA cannot, or will not, make the change. You'd... You would likely have to engage an elder law attorney, if the person who assigned the POA cannot, or will not, make the change. You'd have to have something to go on - some kind of history that the person with the POA can't be trusted, I would think, but I'm not an attorney. I'd urge you to contact one.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I am totally disabled and on SSDI. Mom is 82 and only on SS. We are renting and the landlord raises rent every...
I would think you'd qualify for subsidized housing, but there is often a waiting list for those units. Do try, though. Your SSDI should... I would think you'd qualify for subsidized housing, but there is often a waiting list for those units. Do try, though. Your SSDI should entitle you to that, and your mother's low income should entitle her to some senior housing program. Somehow the two should come together, but you'll have to work with local authorities. I know it's all intimidating. Your Social Services folks should be able to help you.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My grandmother is refusing physical therapy for her pelvis fracture. How can this be dealt with?
Unfortuantely, this is very common. She can't understand the "benefits" of pysical therapy, and may even feel they are... Unfortuantely, this is very common. She can't understand the "benefits" of pysical therapy, and may even feel they are punishing her for something she doesn't understand. So, she's probably frightened.
A doctor may be able to help, if the physical therapists don't know how to handle it. If she refuses, totally, she won't be the first to do so. You want the best for her, so hopefully she will get more cooperative, but don't blame yourself is she continues to refuse. It's not her or you - it's the disease of dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
A doctor may be able to help, if the physical therapists don't know how to handle it. If she refuses, totally, she won't be the first to do so. You want the best for her, so hopefully she will get more cooperative, but don't blame yourself is she continues to refuse. It's not her or you - it's the disease of dementia.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are some good tips for searching for independent living?
Word of mouth is one of the best routes to reliable information. I'd check the AARP site and get involved in boomer websites where... Word of mouth is one of the best routes to reliable information. I'd check the AARP site and get involved in boomer websites where you'll be interacting with people looking for the same thing you are. You are wise to start early so you find just what you want, and you seem to have the means available to make good choices. Congratulations!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Do I need a license to care for my friends father in my home?
You should check with your state's business code, as you would be working from home. As far as medical certification, that, too, would... You should check with your state's business code, as you would be working from home.
As far as medical certification, that, too, would depend on your state. Likely, you'd have to have your home inspected and pass a background check, etc., for your state to certify you to do home care. You may be considered a foster care person, and that has special requirements. Each location is different, so check your state website and look for likely contacts to start your state-specific research.
Good luck,
Carol see more
As far as medical certification, that, too, would depend on your state. Likely, you'd have to have your home inspected and pass a background check, etc., for your state to certify you to do home care. You may be considered a foster care person, and that has special requirements. Each location is different, so check your state website and look for likely contacts to start your state-specific research.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get certified enough to be reimbursed to care for my mother? She is not eligible for Medicaid but has...
You'd have to check with your state about that, as certifications differ. Medicare and most health insurance policies rarely pay for... You'd have to check with your state about that, as certifications differ. Medicare and most health insurance policies rarely pay for care services other than medical, but many long-term care policies do. If she has a LTC poliicy, you could check with their requirements.You may need to become a certified nursing assistant (CNA), but not necessarily. You may want to call a local in-home care agency and ask how they certify their caregivers. Then you'd have a better idea.
Good luck! I hope you can figure out a way to get paid. It isn't always easy, unfortunately.
Carol see more
Good luck! I hope you can figure out a way to get paid. It isn't always easy, unfortunately.
Carol see more
Question
how do you "help" an elderly person cope with aging who has had a stroke and has memory loss?
Do you know if she has a religous connection? Perhaps a spiritual lead or someone from her church or other spiritual home could visit and... Do you know if she has a religous connection? Perhaps a spiritual lead or someone from her church or other spiritual home could visit and help her through some of this. An old friend can fill the same type of role. It's a matter of a third party, preferably someone she trusts, who may be able to help her "get a grip."
Check with her doctor about depression, too. That is common after a stroke. If the doctor wants to try a medication and one doesn't work, they can try another. They don't all work the same. It does seem as though depression is the issue. Counseling could help, but it's not likely you can get her to go.
That's why I suggest people who will come in to see her.
Good luck. This has to be hard on you.
Carol see more
Check with her doctor about depression, too. That is common after a stroke. If the doctor wants to try a medication and one doesn't work, they can try another. They don't all work the same. It does seem as though depression is the issue. Counseling could help, but it's not likely you can get her to go.
That's why I suggest people who will come in to see her.
Good luck. This has to be hard on you.
Carol see more
Question
Could the cost of hospice be $6,000 per week for an elderly person geting morphine and one other pill? She is...
Hospice care is generally covered by insurance, including Medicare. As to the cost, many things would be considered: Is someone with the... Hospice care is generally covered by insurance, including Medicare. As to the cost, many things would be considered: Is someone with the person day and night? How much of that care is medical? What other duties do they provide? Is this in the home or in a hospice home or other location?
If you are wondering if they are quoting you wrong figures, you can check with www.ltcombdusman.org and find the ombudsman for your area. These people could help you find ways to check this out.
Take care,
Carol see more
If you are wondering if they are quoting you wrong figures, you can check with www.ltcombdusman.org and find the ombudsman for your area. These people could help you find ways to check this out.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are there elderly spas like there are day spas?
Some adult day care centers have them. My community has one with a dry sauna and all kinds of good things. Please check every ADC center in... Some adult day care centers have them. My community has one with a dry sauna and all kinds of good things. Please check every ADC center in town. You also may want to check regular spas and see if the cater to elders. Much would depend on the level of the elder's disability, if you choose a regular spa.
I hope you find something!
Carol see more
I hope you find something!
Carol see more
Question
How do I know if my mother is depressed?
Depression is tricky and needs to be diagnosed by a doctor. If she has little interest in life events - especially things she used to find... Depression is tricky and needs to be diagnosed by a doctor. If she has little interest in life events - especially things she used to find important - that is a clue. If she neglects herself, sleeps too much and is sad a lot, she may be depressed. However, some symptoms aren't so obvious. if you think she may be depressed, please get her to a doctor.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My brother who'll be out of prison in 3 weeks wants to live with our mother, but he steals from her and manipu...
We had a situation in my community where the elderly woman was not only stolen from but physically abused. You are right in trying to get... We had a situation in my community where the elderly woman was not only stolen from but physically abused. You are right in trying to get your mom into assisted living or somewhere secure.
I'd try your long-term care ombudsman for advice on making the move. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org or your state website under "aging." You'll find the one who represents you. They have a lot of information for you and should be able to help you find a way to get her into a safe environment.
Take care and good luck,
Carol see more
I'd try your long-term care ombudsman for advice on making the move. Go to www.ltcombudsman.org or your state website under "aging." You'll find the one who represents you. They have a lot of information for you and should be able to help you find a way to get her into a safe environment.
Take care and good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Elderly Dad hates us now. What should we do?
First of all, you did a courageous thing, and it was the right move. The problem is (and I know this - many of us have been there, if not... First of all, you did a courageous thing, and it was the right move. The problem is (and I know this - many of us have been there, if not in quite the same situation), he has forgotten all of the abuse. This makes it hard, as he forgets you are helping him (or can't understand it). He still thinks of that situation as "home".
I would think APS would have a shelter situation for him or that they could temporarily get him into a nursing home.
You mentioned the pills from the doctor. Did they help? With dementia, anxiety is a problem. Maybe anti-anxiety meds can calm him a bit. I'm not big on going against the will of these folks, but you are talking about an extreme situation. He is vulnerable.
You also may want to try the state ombudsman where he is or where you are (www.ltcombudsman.org). They can be extremely helpful.
Thank goodness you have legal papers. You may have to consult an elder law attorney about what to do with him, if a doctor can't help. Something has to be done.
You are amazing people and have gone a long way. Keep working with APS and doctors until there is an answer - and do try the ombudsman.
We're pulling for you!
Carol see more
I would think APS would have a shelter situation for him or that they could temporarily get him into a nursing home.
You mentioned the pills from the doctor. Did they help? With dementia, anxiety is a problem. Maybe anti-anxiety meds can calm him a bit. I'm not big on going against the will of these folks, but you are talking about an extreme situation. He is vulnerable.
You also may want to try the state ombudsman where he is or where you are (www.ltcombudsman.org). They can be extremely helpful.
Thank goodness you have legal papers. You may have to consult an elder law attorney about what to do with him, if a doctor can't help. Something has to be done.
You are amazing people and have gone a long way. Keep working with APS and doctors until there is an answer - and do try the ombudsman.
We're pulling for you!
Carol see more
Can I get respite care for mom living in my home?
You can also call your social services office and ask about the local human services program, if you don't know what you have locally. Sometimes they have money for respite care providers.
If your local RSVP (Retired Senior Volunteer Program) has Senior Companions, they may work out.
Also, of course, you can line up an in-home care agency. They generally are flexible and work in blocks of time.
Good luck. If you look around you should find something.
Carol see more