Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I get Power of Attorney over my senile mother?
If she has diagnosed dementia, you will likely need to see an elder law attorney or estate attorney. You may even have to go to court.... If she has diagnosed dementia, you will likely need to see an elder law attorney or estate attorney. You may even have to go to court. Legal advice is likely to be necessary, anyway.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom with progressive MS, has retirement that is dwindling. Afraid of loosing home and way of life, no one to h...
This is sad. What will likely happen is that she will continue to need more and more care. As her money dwindles, she can go on Medicaid... This is sad. What will likely happen is that she will continue to need more and more care. As her money dwindles, she can go on Medicaid and she will likely need care in a nursing home. First, her own money will need to be used for her care.
For local resources, go to your state's Web site and type in "aging" - links will help you find some support and how to apply to Medicaid when it's time, or at least lead you to a local person to talk to.
Good luck,
Carol see more
For local resources, go to your state's Web site and type in "aging" - links will help you find some support and how to apply to Medicaid when it's time, or at least lead you to a local person to talk to.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do I talk to my mother about her dementia?
Gently. It's very hard for people to accept that they have dementia and most people try to deny it and cover it up as long as they can.... Gently. It's very hard for people to accept that they have dementia and most people try to deny it and cover it up as long as they can.
Often, it helps, if you have a third party involved. Does she have an old friend who has noticed changes? When you remove family dynamics, that can help a lot.
Sometimes, you can write the doctor about your concerns (ahead of a visit) and then talk the person you are concerned about into a regular checkup or to have blood pressure checked or something "routine" but important. Then, the doctor can have the right information to ask the right questions. Again, you would have third party buy-in.
Be compassionate, but have examples of what you have observed (and hopefully others have observed). Generalities will just seem like ageism, so specifics are required. Take notes if necessary.
Good luck. It's very hard to get to a useful discussion, but do try to enlist the aid of non-family members.
Carol see more
Often, it helps, if you have a third party involved. Does she have an old friend who has noticed changes? When you remove family dynamics, that can help a lot.
Sometimes, you can write the doctor about your concerns (ahead of a visit) and then talk the person you are concerned about into a regular checkup or to have blood pressure checked or something "routine" but important. Then, the doctor can have the right information to ask the right questions. Again, you would have third party buy-in.
Be compassionate, but have examples of what you have observed (and hopefully others have observed). Generalities will just seem like ageism, so specifics are required. Take notes if necessary.
Good luck. It's very hard to get to a useful discussion, but do try to enlist the aid of non-family members.
Carol see more
Question
I am an only child and both of my parents have dementia. Is there anyone else out there like me?
Many people are. You may want to read this article - Two Parents At Once: Coping with Dementia https://www.agingcare.com/136952 Take... Many people are. You may want to read this article - Two Parents At Once: Coping with Dementia
https://www.agingcare.com/136952
Take care,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/136952
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My 86-year-old Mother only has SS and Secure Horizons how do we pay for assisted living? No Medicare or Medica...
She'll have to pay for assisted living out of her own assets. Once her money is gone, she may need to switch to a nursing home, though... She'll have to pay for assisted living out of her own assets. Once her money is gone, she may need to switch to a nursing home, though some AL facilities may take Medicaid. You need to check with the homes, and also should look into Medicaid qualifications if you believe she is close. You could benefit from contacting an estate or elder law attorney.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My mother may need to go into a nursing home soon. With Power of Attorney, can she transfer any of her assets...
There is a five year "look back" for Medicaid, the program that pays for people unable to pay for their own care. She can't... There is a five year "look back" for Medicaid, the program that pays for people unable to pay for their own care. She can't transfer her assets to you now and expect to go on Medicaid. She can give them to you, but (or you) will have to pay for up to five years or until her money runs out. You should see an estate or elder law attorney if you are considering any asset changes.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I be sure that my dad's reciprocal will is enforceable?
Only an attorney can make sure this is enforceable. Did an attorney draw up the original will? If so, it's best to see that attorney.... Only an attorney can make sure this is enforceable. Did an attorney draw up the original will? If so, it's best to see that attorney. If not, an attorney should look it over to make sure the intent is well worded so it can be carried out.
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Carol see more
Question
My father is stage 2. Atavan prescibed for agitation. Has anyone noticed increased confusion, if so, any sug...
Atavan helped my dad, but everyone is different. There isn't a drug out there that works for everyone, and most have side effects. Some... Atavan helped my dad, but everyone is different. There isn't a drug out there that works for everyone, and most have side effects. Some will work in reverse to their intent. I'd document the negative changes you see and then tell the doctor to please try something else. Give the particulars. There are options out there.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Is my mom allowed to keep her pension and Social Security while she is in a skilled nursing facility?
As far as I know, if she is on a private pay plan, she is. This is part of her Medicare plan. Once her Medicare days run out, she'll... As far as I know, if she is on a private pay plan, she is. This is part of her Medicare plan. Once her Medicare days run out, she'll need to start paying out of pocket. Of course, once she is on Medicaid (should that happen) then all of that income goes to her care. For more information, or to check out quirks that could make this case different, go to www.medicare.gov.
CArol see more
CArol see more
Question
How do I talk to my mother’s doctors with they don't understand her condition?
Yikes! I thought a lot of this went out with the Stone Age. When I first started with eldercare, I saw a lot of this ignorance. I know that... Yikes! I thought a lot of this went out with the Stone Age. When I first started with eldercare, I saw a lot of this ignorance. I know that some still exists, but it seems you are running into it everywhere. No wonder you are miffed.
I believe in talking with medical people with respect and trying to "make friends," but when they act like this, you may have to just tell them you'd appreciate being treated as part of the care team and not as an intruder.
It is hard to get anyone in to see a doctor "right away", so being told that if it's an immediate need she needs to go to ER is likely a way to protect themselves.
It's hard, I know, to strike a balance between being friendly and being in charge. You have to go with your gut. But I'd certainly correct anyone who calls your mom something she doesn't like, but saying nicely, while looking at your mom, "You like to be called.....don't your, Mom?" Set an example by not talking in front of her.
You won't fix this all at once. Finding new doctors, new agencies, etc. can help, but that is frustrating, too. Maybe others on the forum have some answers.
Take care,
Carol see more
I believe in talking with medical people with respect and trying to "make friends," but when they act like this, you may have to just tell them you'd appreciate being treated as part of the care team and not as an intruder.
It is hard to get anyone in to see a doctor "right away", so being told that if it's an immediate need she needs to go to ER is likely a way to protect themselves.
It's hard, I know, to strike a balance between being friendly and being in charge. You have to go with your gut. But I'd certainly correct anyone who calls your mom something she doesn't like, but saying nicely, while looking at your mom, "You like to be called.....don't your, Mom?" Set an example by not talking in front of her.
You won't fix this all at once. Finding new doctors, new agencies, etc. can help, but that is frustrating, too. Maybe others on the forum have some answers.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are nursing homes only allowed to make a safe release of a resident due to liability and licensing issues?
This would likely vary by state. You could check with your state ombudsman ( you should find your contact information on this site:... This would likely vary by state. You could check with your state ombudsman ( you should find your contact information on this site: http://www.ltcombudsman.org/). This person could let you know your local laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My 78-year-old dad with dementia hears people talking to him from the bathroom mirror. Has anyone else heard o...
People with Alzheimer's often get so they don't recognize the "person" who is in the mirror. They no longer know what... People with Alzheimer's often get so they don't recognize the "person" who is in the mirror. They no longer know what they look like and think the image is a stranger. The fact that this "person" talks to him is unusual, but may not be too strange, since he may be talking to the person (his image) and see moving lips so assume the person is talking to him.
That's just my take, and you may want to check with the doctor on this. I wouldn't be unduly alarmed, however.
Carol see more
That's just my take, and you may want to check with the doctor on this. I wouldn't be unduly alarmed, however.
Carol see more
Question
My mother borrowed over 50k for her second home and my sister has been paying for her bills for a long time. M...
This sounds like a case for an elder law attorney. Was the agreement in writing? There are many unknowns, but an attorney can help you... This sounds like a case for an elder law attorney. Was the agreement in writing? There are many unknowns, but an attorney can help you untangle what sounds like a financial nightmare. Good luck,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Is radiation really necessary for an 86-year-old after a lumpectomy of a very small (bb sized) tumor?
This is a really tough question. To me it's a family decision if the person involved can't make the decision. Many people this age... This is a really tough question. To me it's a family decision if the person involved can't make the decision.
Many people this age are very frail, and surgery, chemo, or even radiation can be very hard on them. Is this the case?
Skin is generally very fragile at this age - would she heal from the burns?
Since you are unsure, I'd suggest that you get a second medical opinion, at least one from a person who specialized in geriatrics, and that you talk it over with a spiritual counselor is you have someone you trust.
There's no magic answer here. Will the cancer be aggressive or slow- growing. Is she near death anyway? If so, Hospice care to keep her comfortable when the time comes she has pain may be the solution.
Some people want these treatments no matter what their age, and many come through fine. Others don't want the treatments. Some want them and don't do well and regret the decision.
Make sure you've checked all options so you don't have regrets about whatever decision is made. You will know you did your best.
Carol see more
Many people this age are very frail, and surgery, chemo, or even radiation can be very hard on them. Is this the case?
Skin is generally very fragile at this age - would she heal from the burns?
Since you are unsure, I'd suggest that you get a second medical opinion, at least one from a person who specialized in geriatrics, and that you talk it over with a spiritual counselor is you have someone you trust.
There's no magic answer here. Will the cancer be aggressive or slow- growing. Is she near death anyway? If so, Hospice care to keep her comfortable when the time comes she has pain may be the solution.
Some people want these treatments no matter what their age, and many come through fine. Others don't want the treatments. Some want them and don't do well and regret the decision.
Make sure you've checked all options so you don't have regrets about whatever decision is made. You will know you did your best.
Carol see more
Question
Medicare is making my grandma pay $581 a month as a deductible towards doctor visits and medications. Why is t...
Until her assets are nearly used up, she is considered private pay. Medicare Part A doesn't likely have a premium, but Medicare Part B... Until her assets are nearly used up, she is considered private pay. Medicare Part A doesn't likely have a premium, but Medicare Part B and any supplemental policies (these cover doctor visits, etc. while Part A is more for hospitalization) carry a premium. Until any of us have used up most of our money, including savings, we pay these premiums and co-pays, plus a separate Medicare Part D policy for drugs (if we choose). Once most of the assets are gone, then people can qualify for Medicaid, which is for the poor and won't carry premiums.
I know, it's hard. I've been there.
Carol see more
I know, it's hard. I've been there.
Carol see more
Question
Is it possible to bill medicaid/medicare for caring for my parents full-time?
Is she is on Medicaid, you maybe could get some help, but not likely Medicare unless your state has specific laws that can help. Since each... Is she is on Medicaid, you maybe could get some help, but not likely Medicare unless your state has specific laws that can help. Since each state is different, (these programs are federally funded but state administered), try going to your state Web site. Type "aging" in the search and follow the local links for information. You will find the National Caregiver Support Program on the site (could have a different name). This can also be very useful. Good luck.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My mother keeps starting arguments, how can I stop them before we have another fight?
Detachment. It's hard, I know. But she can't fight if you don't take the bait. Try mentioning that you aren't discussing... Detachment. It's hard, I know. But she can't fight if you don't take the bait. Try mentioning that you aren't discussing this, then walk away from the issue if she won't let you change the subject. Repeat as necessary. Eventually, she'll see you won't let her push your buttons and she should get easier to get along with. In most cases, arguing only gets more arguing. It rare solves anything.
Good luck - it's hard.
Carol see more
Good luck - it's hard.
Carol see more
Question
What are my options for keeping the house my mother and I have joint tenancy on?
The five year look back is what they are talking about - if she needs to go on Medicaid. I'd talk with an estate attorney or elder law... The five year look back is what they are talking about - if she needs to go on Medicaid. I'd talk with an estate attorney or elder law attorney pronto. He or she may not be able to help, but your case may have something special about it, so you should check this out. Just make sure the attorney knows Medicaid law and isn't going to get you into trouble. Ask for references or proof of experience.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my mother up when she falls, I can't lift her back up?
Wow, does that bring back memories for me! I had to call the fire department weekly for awhile and was told I was abusing the system. I... Wow, does that bring back memories for me! I had to call the fire department weekly for awhile and was told I was abusing the system. I didn't intentionally do that, but what do we do?
I've (semi) jokingly said in interviews that every city needs one person or more on call to just help up elders who have fallen. We aren't likely to get that. The falls were what eventually put my mother in an excellent nursing home.
Of course, eliminating as many falls as possible if the first step. I'm assuming you have taken steps to remove hazards. Talking to the doctor about why he or she falls is important as well.
My neighbor and I could, by working together, get him up from the floor by using a chair as an aid, but that didn't work for my mother. I don't know of any safe device that can help - even nursing homes use trained people.
I wish I could do more than offer sympathy and emotional support. If anyone out there knows of such a device, please let us know.
Carol see more
I've (semi) jokingly said in interviews that every city needs one person or more on call to just help up elders who have fallen. We aren't likely to get that. The falls were what eventually put my mother in an excellent nursing home.
Of course, eliminating as many falls as possible if the first step. I'm assuming you have taken steps to remove hazards. Talking to the doctor about why he or she falls is important as well.
My neighbor and I could, by working together, get him up from the floor by using a chair as an aid, but that didn't work for my mother. I don't know of any safe device that can help - even nursing homes use trained people.
I wish I could do more than offer sympathy and emotional support. If anyone out there knows of such a device, please let us know.
Carol see more
How can I stop my elderly husband from ramming his head into walls and doors when he is angry?
This sounds like frustration. It could even be obsessive compulsive disorder. It could be dementia or anxiety. A doctor should be able to diagnose this and help you.
Good luck,
Carol see more