Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Is it considered self-neglect if someone does not bathe?
If it is years since he's bathed, I would say so. If he won't let you help or let an in-home caregiver come in and help, then you... If it is years since he's bathed, I would say so. If he won't let you help or let an in-home caregiver come in and help, then you may need to get social services to do a welfare check. If they determine he can't take care of himself, you will have backup to get him help.
Many people worry about the fact that elders don't want to bathe and a daily bath is not necessary. Even sponge baths can help. But years? That is a different issue. You probably will need third party help, such as social services, to get anywhere with him.
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Many people worry about the fact that elders don't want to bathe and a daily bath is not necessary. Even sponge baths can help. But years? That is a different issue. You probably will need third party help, such as social services, to get anywhere with him.
Carol see more
Question
Why do elderly wake up during the night?
This is common for many elders, and even more so for people with dementia. It's a good idea to see a doctor so see if a medication... This is common for many elders, and even more so for people with dementia. It's a good idea to see a doctor so see if a medication adjustment is warranted.
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Question
Which Parkinson's treatments and medications have worked best for your family members?
Hi Lilli, I'm sure you'll get some answers here from people with a parent or spouse who has Parkinsons. I do know that sometimes... Hi Lilli,
I'm sure you'll get some answers here from people with a parent or spouse who has Parkinsons. I do know that sometimes there is a great deal of experimenting before the best treatment can be found.
Hey folks - if you know of something, please help Lilli out.
Thanks!
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I'm sure you'll get some answers here from people with a parent or spouse who has Parkinsons. I do know that sometimes there is a great deal of experimenting before the best treatment can be found.
Hey folks - if you know of something, please help Lilli out.
Thanks!
Carol see more
Question
Please help. Am I a selfish horrible person if I want my mom to leave me alone sometimes?
Karen, I'm glad you mom is getting treated for depression. It's possible that she isn't on the right antidepressant - not all... Karen, I'm glad you mom is getting treated for depression. It's possible that she isn't on the right antidepressant - not all of them work for everyone.
Your statement, "I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore" concerns me.
I urge you to see a doctor for yourself and ask if you may have depression. You also may want to see a counselor about how to work through the guilt you feel with your mother. She knows how to make you feel guilty. If she has dementia, a doctor can help with that, and you can find ways to get help for her. However, if sounds like she gets along fine with others and doesn't have memory problems. One thing to ask yourself is how new this behavior is. Knowing that will help a doctor with a diagnosis.
It's easy to tell someone they don't need to feel guilty, but it's hard for the person with the feeling to drop it. Please seek some help for yourself, as well as your mother.
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Your statement, "I am at the point right now where I truthfully feel I could hurt her or me because I cannnot take it anymore" concerns me.
I urge you to see a doctor for yourself and ask if you may have depression. You also may want to see a counselor about how to work through the guilt you feel with your mother. She knows how to make you feel guilty. If she has dementia, a doctor can help with that, and you can find ways to get help for her. However, if sounds like she gets along fine with others and doesn't have memory problems. One thing to ask yourself is how new this behavior is. Knowing that will help a doctor with a diagnosis.
It's easy to tell someone they don't need to feel guilty, but it's hard for the person with the feeling to drop it. Please seek some help for yourself, as well as your mother.
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Question
How can I choose the best type of care for my elderly mother without feeling guilty?
Elders have rights when it comes to their care, but in your mother's case it sounds as though you need to step in and take over. It... Elders have rights when it comes to their care, but in your mother's case it sounds as though you need to step in and take over. It will be hard to go against what she wants, but if you are making sure she is cared for and safe, then you have no need to feel guilty. I know that is easier said than done. Many of us on this site have fought with unearned guilt.
Keep trying to do what is best for her and come back here for support. You also may want to contact the Family Caregiver Support Program. You can find your state's version on the state Web site under aging services.
Good luck,
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Keep trying to do what is best for her and come back here for support. You also may want to contact the Family Caregiver Support Program. You can find your state's version on the state Web site under aging services.
Good luck,
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Question
How is dementia treated?
There are many types of dementia, but the most common is Alzheimer's. The next most common is thought to be vascular. There are now... There are many types of dementia, but the most common is Alzheimer's. The next most common is thought to be vascular. There are now drugs on the market that, if taken early enough, can help many people put off the most damaging effects of Alzheimer's for months. For some the drugs help longer than that. Early diagnosis is important.
Also, there are other situations that can make people think that they may have dementia, such as infections and medication interaction. Seek medical care early if you suspect dementia.
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Also, there are other situations that can make people think that they may have dementia, such as infections and medication interaction. Seek medical care early if you suspect dementia.
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Question
My parents want me to quit my job to care for them but I can't afford to. What should I do?
Times have changed. Many people can't afford - I mean really can't afford - to quit a job to take care of their elders, no matter... Times have changed. Many people can't afford - I mean really can't afford - to quit a job to take care of their elders, no matter how much they'd like to. You have other responsibilities, too.
Your parents nest egg will likely need to fund their care for as long as it lasts and then they will go on Medicaid. You can start by going to your state's Web site and looking under aging services. There you will find contact information. Every state has some version of the Family Caregiver Support Program. This program gets federal funding, but is run by the states, so they are not all the same. You should get local help and support in this way. Eventually, their money will be "spent down" and their assets drained, and then they will need to go on Medicaid. It's sad to watch, but it's where life leads many people these days. You definitely can't do this alone.
Take care of yourself, too,
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Your parents nest egg will likely need to fund their care for as long as it lasts and then they will go on Medicaid. You can start by going to your state's Web site and looking under aging services. There you will find contact information. Every state has some version of the Family Caregiver Support Program. This program gets federal funding, but is run by the states, so they are not all the same. You should get local help and support in this way. Eventually, their money will be "spent down" and their assets drained, and then they will need to go on Medicaid. It's sad to watch, but it's where life leads many people these days. You definitely can't do this alone.
Take care of yourself, too,
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Question
My elderly father sometimes bathes only once a week and when I remind him he gets angry. What can I do?
In "the old days", a weekly bath was the norm for most people. It's only been the last few decades where bathing daily seems... In "the old days", a weekly bath was the norm for most people. It's only been the last few decades where bathing daily seems a must. In most other countries, you'll find less frequent bathing than in the U.S. I mention this because at this point this may be more of a power struggle than a health issue, and backing off may help.
Whatever the cause, this is a common problem.
First, I’d think about how often he really needs to bathe. Second, if fear of water (dementia can cause this), or the fact that he gets cold or something of that nature is the problem, try to figure out what it is. Without more information it's hard to tell what is going on, but it may just be a power struggle. As people age, they suffer many losses. When their adult children start telling them what to do, many people get annoyed and stubborn.
If he doesn't bathe for so long it's a health issue, you could see if hiring some in-home help just for bathing would work. Some people don't want family members helping them bathe, even someone of the same gender. It doesn't feel "right" to them.
I'd suggest experimenting a bit, as this isn't life threatening. Please keep us posted on what works and what doesn't. Many people have this problem. And many adult children have to get used to not being embarrassed because their elders smell less than fresh.
You may want to read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/133877
Carol see more
Whatever the cause, this is a common problem.
First, I’d think about how often he really needs to bathe. Second, if fear of water (dementia can cause this), or the fact that he gets cold or something of that nature is the problem, try to figure out what it is. Without more information it's hard to tell what is going on, but it may just be a power struggle. As people age, they suffer many losses. When their adult children start telling them what to do, many people get annoyed and stubborn.
If he doesn't bathe for so long it's a health issue, you could see if hiring some in-home help just for bathing would work. Some people don't want family members helping them bathe, even someone of the same gender. It doesn't feel "right" to them.
I'd suggest experimenting a bit, as this isn't life threatening. Please keep us posted on what works and what doesn't. Many people have this problem. And many adult children have to get used to not being embarrassed because their elders smell less than fresh.
You may want to read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/133877
Carol see more
Question
We have just become my boyfriend's grandmother's caregivers. Where do we begin?
Go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. There you will find contact information. Every state has some version of the... Go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. There you will find contact information. Every state has some version of the Family Caregiver Support Program. This program gets federal funding, but is run by the states, so they are not all the same. You should get some help if you start in this direction. Good luck. You sound like great people.
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Question
What should I do when my mother, who has dementia, demands that I give her all of her savings in cash?
You are right that it's partly dementia and partly a power struggle. Our elders lose so much dignity and power and their money, in... You are right that it's partly dementia and partly a power struggle. Our elders lose so much dignity and power and their money, in their minds, means independence. My uncle gave thousands of dollars to a couple of agency caregivers. They were very good and he had to move to a nursing home. It's what he wanted to do and it was done. But, my mother was a little annoyed.
However, when she got to "that stage", she did some unwise things with her money and I "couldn't stop her." She, of course, was right. I didn't want to stop her, but I wanted her to understand what she was doing. In the end, it was her money and she did what she wanted. Then, of course, she couldn't figure out what happened to the money. It's very hard and my heart goes out to you.
You are very generous and are doing all you can. I don't know that you can stop her unless you have guardianship. Logic often won't help in these struggles. The only practical advice I can give you is to see if a third party she trusts (outside of the family, like a faith community leader), can talk to her. Often, a third party helps because that takes away the parent/child thing and the family dynamics.
Good luck, Harpchick. You have your hands full.
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However, when she got to "that stage", she did some unwise things with her money and I "couldn't stop her." She, of course, was right. I didn't want to stop her, but I wanted her to understand what she was doing. In the end, it was her money and she did what she wanted. Then, of course, she couldn't figure out what happened to the money. It's very hard and my heart goes out to you.
You are very generous and are doing all you can. I don't know that you can stop her unless you have guardianship. Logic often won't help in these struggles. The only practical advice I can give you is to see if a third party she trusts (outside of the family, like a faith community leader), can talk to her. Often, a third party helps because that takes away the parent/child thing and the family dynamics.
Good luck, Harpchick. You have your hands full.
Carol see more
Question
What does it mean if my elderly grandmother is hallucinating that she has "worms" in her veins, nose and after...
Her meds could be the problem. I'd have her checked. If there is nothing there, she needs to be checked for dementia. Paranoia and even... Her meds could be the problem. I'd have her checked. If there is nothing there, she needs to be checked for dementia. Paranoia and even hallucinations can be a part of dementia. She needs to see her doctor pronto. There are meds that can help.
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Question
I've been caring for my mom for two years. She receives disability but it isn’t enough. I have a lot of out-of...
Likely you can. I would see a CPA for the details in your state, but there are options for claiming her if you have enough out-of-pocket... Likely you can. I would see a CPA for the details in your state, but there are options for claiming her if you have enough out-of-pocket expenses. Please look into it.
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Question
Can we use my father's veterans benefits to get nighttime care for my mother?
Please read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476 This will give you some idea of finding funds. The VA may be able to help.... Please read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
This will give you some idea of finding funds. The VA may be able to help. I'd check with them, too.
Also, go to the state Web site and look under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program is available in some form in all states. There should be contact information on the site.
Good luck,
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https://www.agingcare.com/135476
This will give you some idea of finding funds. The VA may be able to help. I'd check with them, too.
Also, go to the state Web site and look under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program is available in some form in all states. There should be contact information on the site.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can a wife who quit her job get paid to take care of her sick 79-year-old husband?
There are some things she can look into. Please read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476 Also, go to the state Web site and look... There are some things she can look into. Please read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Also, go to the state Web site and look under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program is available in some form in all states. There should be contact information on the site.
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Also, go to the state Web site and look under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program is available in some form in all states. There should be contact information on the site.
Carol see more
Question
How do I handle my angry and aggressive mother without getting sad or depressed?
Your mom sounds like she is beyond logic, so logic won't work. The TIAs and her dementia have her in a different world. It sounds like... Your mom sounds like she is beyond logic, so logic won't work. The TIAs and her dementia have her in a different world. It sounds like she could belong in a dementia unit and/or nursing home where people are used to dealing with this type of behavior.
I would see if her medications should be changed, or dosages adjusted. There may be something to calm her agression. But as you've found, arguing will get you nowhere. Her basic personality may make this worse, but some very sweet people get this way from dementia and/or strokes.
Again, I'd ask her doctor to revaluate her meds and start looking for a dementia unit, if the staff where she is isn't trained for this type of behavior. It isn't likely to go away, though medications may help.
Good luck,
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I would see if her medications should be changed, or dosages adjusted. There may be something to calm her agression. But as you've found, arguing will get you nowhere. Her basic personality may make this worse, but some very sweet people get this way from dementia and/or strokes.
Again, I'd ask her doctor to revaluate her meds and start looking for a dementia unit, if the staff where she is isn't trained for this type of behavior. It isn't likely to go away, though medications may help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Is there any other option besides surgery to correct a sagging eyelid that causes the eyelashes to stick into...
This is a new one for me. It does seem that if the doctor suggested this surgery, and if it can be done without general anesthetic,... This is a new one for me. It does seem that if the doctor suggested this surgery, and if it can be done without general anesthetic, it's an option. Most insurance covers this type of operation if it's not for cosmetic reasons, which this certainly isn't. You may want to get a second medical opinion, however, in case there is an alternative.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
How do we pay for a nursing home?
Most likely, yes, since they are married, but since the property was placed in her name so long ago, there may be an exception. She should... Most likely, yes, since they are married, but since the property was placed in her name so long ago, there may be an exception.
She should contact the estate attorney who did their work, or another one, and figure this out. Medicare pays for the first few weeks - it was 20 days, but that is a moving target - of care in a nursing home, if the person goes there right out of the hospital. After that it is private pay until the assets are spent down. She needs an attorney who knows estate law and Medicaid law. Good luck. You are smart to look into this early.
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She should contact the estate attorney who did their work, or another one, and figure this out. Medicare pays for the first few weeks - it was 20 days, but that is a moving target - of care in a nursing home, if the person goes there right out of the hospital. After that it is private pay until the assets are spent down. She needs an attorney who knows estate law and Medicaid law. Good luck. You are smart to look into this early.
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Question
How can I apply for more hours of In Home Support Service for my elderly mother?
One option to buy time until the social worker gets back to you, or whoever has the power to help, does so, would be to go to your... One option to buy time until the social worker gets back to you, or whoever has the power to help, does so, would be to go to your state's Web site under Aging Services. Each state has some version of the Family Caregiver Support Program. In many states, there are respite care hours that go to waste because people don't know about this. Please try the site and look for contact information. They could give you the name of the local agency that gets funding for this program.
Another option would be if you have a supportive church group, or if there is a block nurse program in your area. Some of these are hard to track down, which is the shame of it all. But many block nurse programs put information in church entries (when allowed). Even some funeral homes (kind of strange, but whatever works) will have flyers with such information.
Does your mother's in-home care come through Medicaid? If not and she qualifies, they may have some hours.
Good luck with this. Keep tuned. You may see other answers.
Carol see more
Another option would be if you have a supportive church group, or if there is a block nurse program in your area. Some of these are hard to track down, which is the shame of it all. But many block nurse programs put information in church entries (when allowed). Even some funeral homes (kind of strange, but whatever works) will have flyers with such information.
Does your mother's in-home care come through Medicaid? If not and she qualifies, they may have some hours.
Good luck with this. Keep tuned. You may see other answers.
Carol see more
Question
Can my mother pay me or get help to pay me to stay with her and be her caregiver?
Hi Sunshine, You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476 Also, you should go to your state's Web site and look... Hi Sunshine,
You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Also, you should go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. There should be a contact number and they may be able to help you find services.
This question is asked often. It's a huge issue. Good luck with your search.
Carol see more
You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Also, you should go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. There should be a contact number and they may be able to help you find services.
This question is asked often. It's a huge issue. Good luck with your search.
Carol see more
Can anyone who has a disabled child sign over their house to that child, fully exempt and anytime within the 5...
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