Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I get my mother to trust recommendations from me, other caregivers, or her doctors?
Many elders get stubborn about this, especially is they suspect something is wrong, so a parent not wanting to see a doctor is a problem... Many elders get stubborn about this, especially is they suspect something is wrong, so a parent not wanting to see a doctor is a problem for many people. Is there a pastor or close friend who can get somewhere with her? Third party help can sometimes do wonders.
You mention "black pride" - that made me think of my father-in-law who thought it was totally inappropriate for a female nurse to bathe him. I can't imagine if he'd had a female doctor! Your mom grew up during horrible racial times. If race is an issue, perhaps if there isn't a black doctor near by, would there be one from India or anywhere but the stereotypical white doctor?
In any event, someone outside of the family whom she trust may have more luck than you.
Please keep coming back for support. This gets tough.
Carol see more
You mention "black pride" - that made me think of my father-in-law who thought it was totally inappropriate for a female nurse to bathe him. I can't imagine if he'd had a female doctor! Your mom grew up during horrible racial times. If race is an issue, perhaps if there isn't a black doctor near by, would there be one from India or anywhere but the stereotypical white doctor?
In any event, someone outside of the family whom she trust may have more luck than you.
Please keep coming back for support. This gets tough.
Carol see more
Question
Is there a Caregiver Support Group in Denver, Colorado?
I'm assuming you've tried your local Alzheimer's Association? You could try calling some nursing homes to see if they have a... I'm assuming you've tried your local Alzheimer's Association? You could try calling some nursing homes to see if they have a lead. Your Social Services people may be able to give you some help. Also, if you go to your state's Web site and look under aging services, you should find contact information, and you could look there.
I hope you find one. Sometimes they are hard to keep going, not because people don't need the support, but because caregivers are too busy and stressed to attend!
Carol see more
I hope you find one. Sometimes they are hard to keep going, not because people don't need the support, but because caregivers are too busy and stressed to attend!
Carol see more
Question
Where can I go to find legal advice for my father who is being unnecessarily over-charged for his prescription...
It does sound like you will need to seek legal advice. They changed the rules in the middle of the game. Many nursing homes like to use... It does sound like you will need to seek legal advice. They changed the rules in the middle of the game.
Many nursing homes like to use one pharmacy so they can get meds in an emergency, but there shouldn't be an additional charge. Assisted Living centers aren't under as strict regulation, and they don't all give medication assitance, so I'm not sure how you will come out on this, but I would check with an attorney. If you have an elder attorney in your area, that should be a good choice. You can call your State Bar Association for a reference.
Take care,
Carol see more
Many nursing homes like to use one pharmacy so they can get meds in an emergency, but there shouldn't be an additional charge. Assisted Living centers aren't under as strict regulation, and they don't all give medication assitance, so I'm not sure how you will come out on this, but I would check with an attorney. If you have an elder attorney in your area, that should be a good choice. You can call your State Bar Association for a reference.
Take care,
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Question
How can I get reimbursed for taking care of my elderly parents?
This takes a lot of digging and it depends on where you live. You can read this article for some help: https://www.agingcare.com/135476... This takes a lot of digging and it depends on where you live. You can read this article for some help:
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Good luck. It should be easier than this, as you are saving the government and the family money, but that has not been quickly recognized.
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
Good luck. It should be easier than this, as you are saving the government and the family money, but that has not been quickly recognized.
Carol see more
Question
How do I stop my mother from opening credit cards and charging things she can't afford?
Much depends on your mother's mental state, but if your sister pays her living expenses, she should be able to get a handle on this.... Much depends on your mother's mental state, but if your sister pays her living expenses, she should be able to get a handle on this. I'm surprised your mother can do this, as credit is harder to get now.
Does your sister have Power Of Attorney? She should have if she is paying the bills. She could put a credit freeze on your mother's credit reports and that would stop new cards from being approved unless unfrozen. Perhaps checking with one of the major credit card bureaus would be fruitful. Checking with her bank should help, too.
Good luck with this frustration.
Carol see more
Does your sister have Power Of Attorney? She should have if she is paying the bills. She could put a credit freeze on your mother's credit reports and that would stop new cards from being approved unless unfrozen. Perhaps checking with one of the major credit card bureaus would be fruitful. Checking with her bank should help, too.
Good luck with this frustration.
Carol see more
Question
What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?
Oh, Fernando, if I sounded like I disgreed with you, I totally agreed with your post. Maybe I didn't word something properly. I, too,... Oh, Fernando, if I sounded like I disgreed with you, I totally agreed with your post. Maybe I didn't word something properly. I, too, feel when the time is come, people will die on their own. I just was saying that there are ways to help them with pain while that happens, though not everyone will travel the same road.
As Txmaggie says, not all hospices are the same, either. So, when I support hospice, I am speaking from my own experience, which was similar to hers.
You did not say anything to offend me. But thanks for the condolences. My parents were ready to go, and finally died peacefully. You are the one now who is suffering, now. I'm sorry you are going through this. Know that our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
As Txmaggie says, not all hospices are the same, either. So, when I support hospice, I am speaking from my own experience, which was similar to hers.
You did not say anything to offend me. But thanks for the condolences. My parents were ready to go, and finally died peacefully. You are the one now who is suffering, now. I'm sorry you are going through this. Know that our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
Question
What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?
Both of my parents were in intractable pain before they went under hospice care. Not all hospices are the same, and I've seen a few... Both of my parents were in intractable pain before they went under hospice care. Not all hospices are the same, and I've seen a few comments on this forum that has made me wonder about some of them, but my experience with my parents was that once hospice took over, they were more alert and more themselves than before that, because their pain was controlled.
They only had the drugs they needed for pain relief - no more. There was a great deal of family support, kindness, and no "hurrying of the process." When they did die, it was peacefully, with family at their side. It took my mother three days for her heart to quit beating (she had been mottling and showing other death signs for days). No one hurried the process. I watched carefully for signs of distress, and if there were any, medication was given to comfort her. Finally, after those three days, she did die. We all have our time.
Carol see more
They only had the drugs they needed for pain relief - no more. There was a great deal of family support, kindness, and no "hurrying of the process." When they did die, it was peacefully, with family at their side. It took my mother three days for her heart to quit beating (she had been mottling and showing other death signs for days). No one hurried the process. I watched carefully for signs of distress, and if there were any, medication was given to comfort her. Finally, after those three days, she did die. We all have our time.
Carol see more
Question
If my elderly mother with dementia comes to live with us, would my husband lose his benefits or my mother lose...
You'll have to check with the sources of income. It is possible, as some of the benefits are (unfairly, in my opinion) based on... You'll have to check with the sources of income. It is possible, as some of the benefits are (unfairly, in my opinion) based on household income. Please chcek with both sources before making a final decision so that you are can make an educated decision. It's very sad that this even must be considered, but you want to go into this with your eyes open.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How should I prepare my dad for the departure of the home health aide that he has become very attached to?
To become attached to a caregiver is very natural. All that I can see is that your prepare him. Let him know it's like being attached... To become attached to a caregiver is very natural. All that I can see is that your prepare him. Let him know it's like being attached to a nurse in the hospital. When when it's time to go home, then the patient must give up this person.
It will be hard, but I'd try to prepare him ahead so the cut isn't sudden. Maybe you could even cut down on hours gradually. If that is an option, I'd advise it.
Either way, look for grief and tell him you understand, but this is a business not a family relationship.
Take care,
Carol see more
It will be hard, but I'd try to prepare him ahead so the cut isn't sudden. Maybe you could even cut down on hours gradually. If that is an option, I'd advise it.
Either way, look for grief and tell him you understand, but this is a business not a family relationship.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If my mother is living with me, how much money should I ask her to contribute each month?
I don't feel it's unreasonable for an elder to help pay expenses that he or she would pay elsewhere. Generally, it's far less... I don't feel it's unreasonable for an elder to help pay expenses that he or she would pay elsewhere. Generally, it's far less when they are living with a loved one.
Not everyone can absorb the extra expense of another person living with them. Obviously, if the elder is destitute, that is different, but we all have to pay something to live somewhere.
Certainly, if the audlt children are very well of, and the elder has very little, that is a very different situation. Many families can work this out for the benefit of all. It's good to have it documented, however, because of Medicaid rules, down the road.
Carol see more
Not everyone can absorb the extra expense of another person living with them. Obviously, if the elder is destitute, that is different, but we all have to pay something to live somewhere.
Certainly, if the audlt children are very well of, and the elder has very little, that is a very different situation. Many families can work this out for the benefit of all. It's good to have it documented, however, because of Medicaid rules, down the road.
Carol see more
Question
How can I make the transition to assisted living easier for my mother who is scared?
Aphasia has got to be horrible - or any other issue that keeps people from expressing themselves. My Uncle had aphasia and my dad's... Aphasia has got to be horrible - or any other issue that keeps people from expressing themselves. My Uncle had aphasia and my dad's surgery made him inarticulate. It about broke my heart.
Your mother will fight this move, but most people do. If you can stay close, stay calm and let her know that she will have people around her and things to do, once she adjusts, it may help some.
Expect some anger and even depression. But this seems like one occasion where there isn't much that can be done but go along with the doctor. At least you can use the doctor as a third party, and that helps take some of the "blame" off of you. Does she have a pastor, priest or Rabbi that she trusts, or a good friend? Maybe they can help smooth the way.
Keep us posted on how you do. This is hard and we are thinking of you.
Carol see more
Your mother will fight this move, but most people do. If you can stay close, stay calm and let her know that she will have people around her and things to do, once she adjusts, it may help some.
Expect some anger and even depression. But this seems like one occasion where there isn't much that can be done but go along with the doctor. At least you can use the doctor as a third party, and that helps take some of the "blame" off of you. Does she have a pastor, priest or Rabbi that she trusts, or a good friend? Maybe they can help smooth the way.
Keep us posted on how you do. This is hard and we are thinking of you.
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my elderly father with prostate cancer and signs of Alzheimer's to wear depends?
This is a tough issue many people face. Elders think of incontinency pads as diapers and can live in denial about their problems. It's... This is a tough issue many people face. Elders think of incontinency pads as diapers and can live in denial about their problems. It's easy to understand why they do, but hard to cope with from our standpoint.
The only suggestion I can think of is to try to find different styles and keep telling him that this happens to many people and you just want to save him embarrassment and make him more comfortable about going out in public.
Good luck with this. Please let us know how it goes.
Carol see more
The only suggestion I can think of is to try to find different styles and keep telling him that this happens to many people and you just want to save him embarrassment and make him more comfortable about going out in public.
Good luck with this. Please let us know how it goes.
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with a sibling who is in denial about our mother's decline?
You've got it figured out, Lilli. It's different for everyone, but often the emotion toll of trying to get people out of denial is... You've got it figured out, Lilli. It's different for everyone, but often the emotion toll of trying to get people out of denial is harder than moving forward on your own.
Hang in all of you. It's tough. You've got people here who understand.
Carol see more
Hang in all of you. It's tough. You've got people here who understand.
Carol see more
Question
How can I get dad to move without having the house condemned?
Try calling Social Services and see if they can do a welfare check on him. That should get things moving. You are right to worry about him.... Try calling Social Services and see if they can do a welfare check on him. That should get things moving. You are right to worry about him. People have a right to make their own decsions, if they are sound of mind, but this does not sound like a healthy choice. A third party may be needed to intervene for his safety.
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Question
If my mother is living with me, how much money should I ask her to contribute each month?
You'd be wise to see an attorney to have something drawn up so you don't run into Medicaid problems down the road. A business... You'd be wise to see an attorney to have something drawn up so you don't run into Medicaid problems down the road. A business attorney, estate or elder attorney should be able to write a simple contract for you. You'd want to base the amount on rent and other costs in your area, as well as the care you give that save money for her since other's don't have to be paid. This will come in handy, too, if you have siblings.
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Question
Is there such a thing as caring too much?
This takes patience, Dirk, but is often worth the effort. You both are operating out of true love and caring.
Carol
Carol
Question
What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?
Hospice can do a lot more than the nursing home SecretSister. At least a good hospice can. They work together with the staff at the center,... Hospice can do a lot more than the nursing home SecretSister. At least a good hospice can. They work together with the staff at the center, so your dad would get more one-on-one care. They also monitor pain and can give pain relief out of the range of the care facility.
I have seen hospice at work, and my experiences were very positive. I know that is what I would want under the circumstances.
Carol see more
I have seen hospice at work, and my experiences were very positive. I know that is what I would want under the circumstances.
Carol see more
Question
What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?
I agree. Thanks txmaggie! I should have mentioned that. Hospice care allowed both of my parents pain relief and a peaceful passing. ... I agree. Thanks txmaggie! I should have mentioned that. Hospice care allowed both of my parents pain relief and a peaceful passing.
Hospice is also, generally, very savvy about what signs are about the dying process and what notes a need to intervene with the process so the patient is more comfortable. Some people go on and off hopsice several times, as they actually improve under the care.
Carol see more
Hospice is also, generally, very savvy about what signs are about the dying process and what notes a need to intervene with the process so the patient is more comfortable. Some people go on and off hopsice several times, as they actually improve under the care.
Carol see more
Question
My father and sister are no longer capable or taking care of themselves, should they both go to an Assisted Li...
KSNJ2,fFeel free to "talk." To force your sister into anything, you'd likely have to gain guardianship. However, if your dad... KSNJ2,fFeel free to "talk."
To force your sister into anything, you'd likely have to gain guardianship. However, if your dad goes into assisted living or a nursing home, then you could have social services look in on your sister and see how she is doing. If they determine she can't take care of herself, they could take some steps to help her.
You may want to call social services now and see if they can help with this problem. It's a bit unusual, since it involves and elder and a younger person.
Please keep coming back to chat. We all need a listening hear.
Carol see more
To force your sister into anything, you'd likely have to gain guardianship. However, if your dad goes into assisted living or a nursing home, then you could have social services look in on your sister and see how she is doing. If they determine she can't take care of herself, they could take some steps to help her.
You may want to call social services now and see if they can help with this problem. It's a bit unusual, since it involves and elder and a younger person.
Please keep coming back to chat. We all need a listening hear.
Carol see more
How can I get my mother to wash her hands after using the bathroom?
Any ideas out there?
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