Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What are the signs that an elder is getting ready to die?
When a person stops eating, it is often because the body is shutting down and can't process the food. That, of course, is a sign she is... When a person stops eating, it is often because the body is shutting down and can't process the food. That, of course, is a sign she is dying. Withdrawing into herself could be another sign.
She has been through a great deal of trauma and could have lost the will to fight anymore. My mother used to say to me, "Can't you just give me a little black pill?" She was so tired of pain and misery, even though we did everything we could to make life better. Of course, all I could say was, "No, I can't do that, but we will see if more can be done for your comfort."
I do believe she lost her will to live after my dad died, but it took five months for the physical effects to take over. She did get so she couldn't eat at all and then it was mostly about pain management and physical and psychological comfort. Dying is often a drawn out process. My heart goes out to you, as you are the one who must witness this process.
If the doctors think anything can be done to help her, listen to them and weigh the options. Will a procedure cause her more pain and misery, but prolong her life three days? These are choices we must make. What would she have wanted if she could make these decisions. You are savvy and concerned.
Please keep us posted. This is a hard way to spend this holiday season. I know. I experienced three Christmas season deaths. But it's not easy any time. Knowing my loved ones were finally out of pain was my comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
She has been through a great deal of trauma and could have lost the will to fight anymore. My mother used to say to me, "Can't you just give me a little black pill?" She was so tired of pain and misery, even though we did everything we could to make life better. Of course, all I could say was, "No, I can't do that, but we will see if more can be done for your comfort."
I do believe she lost her will to live after my dad died, but it took five months for the physical effects to take over. She did get so she couldn't eat at all and then it was mostly about pain management and physical and psychological comfort. Dying is often a drawn out process. My heart goes out to you, as you are the one who must witness this process.
If the doctors think anything can be done to help her, listen to them and weigh the options. Will a procedure cause her more pain and misery, but prolong her life three days? These are choices we must make. What would she have wanted if she could make these decisions. You are savvy and concerned.
Please keep us posted. This is a hard way to spend this holiday season. I know. I experienced three Christmas season deaths. But it's not easy any time. Knowing my loved ones were finally out of pain was my comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am a depressed daughter and caretaker. How can I help myself?
You are so brave and helpful all of you. I want you to know how much you are appreciated. Please know you are not alone in your grief and... You are so brave and helpful all of you. I want you to know how much you are appreciated. Please know you are not alone in your grief and your worry.
take care,
Carol see more
take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are my elderly parents jealous?
Yes, this is abuse. That's why I wondered if this was new behavior. But what you describe is not new and is definitely abuse. How sad... Yes, this is abuse. That's why I wondered if this was new behavior. But what you describe is not new and is definitely abuse. How sad and awful for you.
I suppose the rest of the family is wonderful because they aren't there to be targets. Whatever the reason, it seems like this is far more serious that the original question sounded and I'm not sure just "detaching with love" is enough for you.
You may actually need to get a court appointed guardian for her who can take over, with you doing only what you can do without harming yourself. There are toxic parent/child relationships, and aging doesn't give anyone a license to abuse. I'm sure you've considered therapy for yourself, to help you heal. If you haven't, that may help. But I strongly believe you need third party help. Your statement "I am more than tired of it" says a great deal. Of course you are!
Maybe your county can help you set up some care plan for her, but this should not be your responsibility alone.
You are not at all alone in this, but that doesn't solve your problem. Please do try to get help so you know she is cared for but she is not destroying your health.
Carol see more
I suppose the rest of the family is wonderful because they aren't there to be targets. Whatever the reason, it seems like this is far more serious that the original question sounded and I'm not sure just "detaching with love" is enough for you.
You may actually need to get a court appointed guardian for her who can take over, with you doing only what you can do without harming yourself. There are toxic parent/child relationships, and aging doesn't give anyone a license to abuse. I'm sure you've considered therapy for yourself, to help you heal. If you haven't, that may help. But I strongly believe you need third party help. Your statement "I am more than tired of it" says a great deal. Of course you are!
Maybe your county can help you set up some care plan for her, but this should not be your responsibility alone.
You are not at all alone in this, but that doesn't solve your problem. Please do try to get help so you know she is cared for but she is not destroying your health.
Carol see more
Question
My husband and I live with my 82 year old Dad. Why does my husband wants to work outside the home when we don'...
Maybe he needs to get out on his own a bit.Also, he could feel a loss of identity, as many men do, after retirement. If you don't need... Maybe he needs to get out on his own a bit.Also, he could feel a loss of identity, as many men do, after retirement. If you don't need the money, he could find outlets in volunteering. The RSVP (Retired Senior Volunteer Program) can help him find a focus.
However, you should be able to get breaks from caregiving, too.
Carol see more
However, you should be able to get breaks from caregiving, too.
Carol see more
Question
I need supplemental insurance, but I have to wait another year. How can I get help now?
Have you tried your state insurance office? They may be able to direct you to some help. Good luck with this. Many of us face similar... Have you tried your state insurance office? They may be able to direct you to some help. Good luck with this. Many of us face similar issues and it's frightening.
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Carol see more
Question
Are my elderly parents jealous?
I know it's easier said than done because this is your mom and you are her daughter, but your friends are right. You'll have to... I know it's easier said than done because this is your mom and you are her daughter, but your friends are right. You'll have to learn to not expect compliments from her (did she ever compliment you or is this new?).
My guess is that she is feeling her losses that come with age, she resents getting older and depending on you and she is taking it out on you. It's very hard, I know, but understanding her a little may help.
You may want to read this article if you haven't:
https://www.agingcare.com/137122
What your mother is doing isn't abuse, but it makes you feel bad. Know that you aren't alone and please keep coming back for support.
Carol see more
My guess is that she is feeling her losses that come with age, she resents getting older and depending on you and she is taking it out on you. It's very hard, I know, but understanding her a little may help.
You may want to read this article if you haven't:
https://www.agingcare.com/137122
What your mother is doing isn't abuse, but it makes you feel bad. Know that you aren't alone and please keep coming back for support.
Carol see more
Question
I am my mother's power of attorney and if needed her guardian. My sister is her Medical Power of Attorney. Wh...
You'll have to examine how the language is written and you may need an estate attorney to help with this. This is a pretty complicated... You'll have to examine how the language is written and you may need an estate attorney to help with this. This is a pretty complicated way of doing things. I'm sure that the idea was to be "fair," but the duties can overlap if you become a guardian and need to make quick health decisions. Hopefully, you and your sister have similar thoughts about your mom's health.
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Carol see more
Question
Where can I find affordable legal advice regarding the distribution of benefits from my father's estate?
Call your State Bar Asssociation and ask if there is an estate attorney who can help you. You will need legal help here. It's sad when... Call your State Bar Asssociation and ask if there is an estate attorney who can help you. You will need legal help here. It's sad when families need to do this, but if there is no other way, and since you suspect the money is not being properly handled, you may need help. At least check it out. Also, you may want to go to your state's Web site under aging services and look for a phone number or email. There may be services to help your mom and give you a break.
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Carol see more
Question
The last three places my mother has lived she says people come in and take her things. How can I get her to re...
This is very common with dementia. The person forgets where she has put something and it's natural to think someone must have taken it.... This is very common with dementia. The person forgets where she has put something and it's natural to think someone must have taken it. Because this is so common, I wouldn't think AL would ask her to leave, unless they don't commonly deal with dementia patients. You may have to look for one with a dementia wing.
Frustrating as this is, it's very, very common. Try to distract her when she does this. The staff should know that routine, as well.
Hang it. We know it's hard. Finding a place with a specialized wing may be your only answer.
Carol see more
Frustrating as this is, it's very, very common. Try to distract her when she does this. The staff should know that routine, as well.
Hang it. We know it's hard. Finding a place with a specialized wing may be your only answer.
Carol see more
Question
What medication helps Alzheimer's patients to sleep through the night?
The night wandering is called Sundowning. It's thought that the end of the day signifies something to them - they must do something but... The night wandering is called Sundowning. It's thought that the end of the day signifies something to them - they must do something but don't know what (go home from work?). It's very common and, of course, frustrating for the caregiver.
It sounds like a visit to the doctor is in order. There are medications that can help calm anxiety. Given in light doses - you may have to try several - they can help the agitation and anxiety without too many side effects. Good luck. It may take some trial and error.
Carol see more
It sounds like a visit to the doctor is in order. There are medications that can help calm anxiety. Given in light doses - you may have to try several - they can help the agitation and anxiety without too many side effects. Good luck. It may take some trial and error.
Carol see more
Question
Is there a form for asking the IRS not to charge penalties for taxes filed late due to health problems?
If there is, I don't know about it. Job loss doesn't stop them from charging fines and penalties. You could ask a CPA or call the... If there is, I don't know about it. Job loss doesn't stop them from charging fines and penalties. You could ask a CPA or call the IRS. I hope you can get some help, but frankly, I doubt if there are exceptions.
Good luck and please tell us how it goes.
Carol see more
Good luck and please tell us how it goes.
Carol see more
Question
How do I appeal my mother's HMO's decision to cease funding her care?
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Many insurances give people so many days of therapy and that is it. If you aren't okay - too bad.... Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Many insurances give people so many days of therapy and that is it. If you aren't okay - too bad. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
One thing you may want to look into, since she's on SSI, is if Medicaid will cover some in-home services. Other than that, I'd go to your state's Web site and find aging services. See what they have, or call the number. They should be able to direct you to local help.
Carol see more
One thing you may want to look into, since she's on SSI, is if Medicaid will cover some in-home services. Other than that, I'd go to your state's Web site and find aging services. See what they have, or call the number. They should be able to direct you to local help.
Carol see more
Question
What are your thoughts regarding a thyroidectomy on an elder?
Any surgery is risky for an elder. Anesthetics can be the last straw for some and push them over the edge into dementia. Just surviving... Any surgery is risky for an elder. Anesthetics can be the last straw for some and push them over the edge into dementia. Just surviving surgery can be an issue. That said, only a doctor can determine how necessary this is. If you don't totally trust that doctor, then you may want to get a second opinion.
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Carol see more
Question
How many calories a day are needed to keep an elderly woman healthy?
Elders don't need as many calories as many people, especially if they don't move around much. That said, nutrition is very... Elders don't need as many calories as many people, especially if they don't move around much. That said, nutrition is very important. Does you local hospital have a nutrition department? They would be your best source for your mother's unique needs.
Liquid nutrition is often all many elders can take, but some can take ice cream, fruit and other light foods that are easy on the stomach. You may be able to supplement with those. Yogurt may work.
I would suggest a nutritionist, with the attitude that you can get some good information, though you may not be able to carry it all through. All you can do is your best.
Carol see more
Liquid nutrition is often all many elders can take, but some can take ice cream, fruit and other light foods that are easy on the stomach. You may be able to supplement with those. Yogurt may work.
I would suggest a nutritionist, with the attitude that you can get some good information, though you may not be able to carry it all through. All you can do is your best.
Carol see more
Question
How can I handle my mother’s jealous behavior and guilt from talking time off from caregiving?
Oh Lorraine, I hear you. When my sister and I wanted to go to lunch (a rare treat), our mother - who at one time would have been thrilled... Oh Lorraine, I hear you. When my sister and I wanted to go to lunch (a rare treat), our mother - who at one time would have been thrilled for us - was jealous. It comes from all the losses our elders suffer. They begin to feel left out, and often are. Most caregivers need some time away from caregiving.
The only advice I can give you is to try to not take the words personally. Be firm about going and doing what you need to do, but do it as kindly as you can, remembering that the elder is suffering so many losses.
Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). But this is unearned guilt, so you need to detach from her behavior and give yourself a treat. Maybe you can find something to do with her, alone, later.
Keep coming back for support. We can't change things for you but we do understand.
Carol see more
The only advice I can give you is to try to not take the words personally. Be firm about going and doing what you need to do, but do it as kindly as you can, remembering that the elder is suffering so many losses.
Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). But this is unearned guilt, so you need to detach from her behavior and give yourself a treat. Maybe you can find something to do with her, alone, later.
Keep coming back for support. We can't change things for you but we do understand.
Carol see more
Question
I’m the executor of my mother’s estate. The language used in her will sounds to me like her estate will not go...
Austin is right about those seminars! Beware. And Annlidiot is right on about checking. When it comes to legal matters, you don't want... Austin is right about those seminars! Beware. And Annlidiot is right on about checking. When it comes to legal matters, you don't want to assume anything.
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Question
I’m the executor of my mother’s estate. The language used in her will sounds to me like her estate will not go...
This certainly should speed things up. I think it depends on the state, however. My mother had a similar setup from my uncle's estate,... This certainly should speed things up. I think it depends on the state, however. My mother had a similar setup from my uncle's estate, but it still went (quickly) through probate.
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Question
My dad has dementia and keeps saying he "feels like he is not here". What is he trying to tell me?
He is confused about reality and he knows it. He's frightened. You will need some help with this. All nursing homes aren't bad. Do... He is confused about reality and he knows it. He's frightened. You will need some help with this.
All nursing homes aren't bad. Do you have choices? I know some parts of the country don't have many good choices, which is disgraceful, but true.
I'd get him to a doctor to see if medications can help him. There are some that do help many people with dementia. He seems to be showing some changes, so it's probably time for a checkup. In-home help may work or may not. If it does, you could get some sleep. Please talk with his doctor about your options, and also check your state's Web site under aging services.
Carol see more
All nursing homes aren't bad. Do you have choices? I know some parts of the country don't have many good choices, which is disgraceful, but true.
I'd get him to a doctor to see if medications can help him. There are some that do help many people with dementia. He seems to be showing some changes, so it's probably time for a checkup. In-home help may work or may not. If it does, you could get some sleep. Please talk with his doctor about your options, and also check your state's Web site under aging services.
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with a sibling who is in denial about our mother's decline?
This is so common and so sad. It may help if you can get some medical people to back up you and your poor dad. He likely feels bad enough... This is so common and so sad. It may help if you can get some medical people to back up you and your poor dad. He likely feels bad enough the way it is without your sister's blame and denial. It's easier for those who don't have to do the direct care to blame. Please keep supporting your dad, and try to get some third party opinions to help your sister get past this.
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Is there such a thing as caring too much?
I'd suggest helping her to help herself, then do what she absolutely can't. Then, look for outside help to spell you once in awhile. If you don't have relatives or friends who can help, try an in-home agency. She may not like that, but you sound as though you need a break.
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