Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can we make mom's vascular dementia diagnosis official, so that we can make decisions for her?
The sad thing is that once dementia is diagnosed, it's harder to get the proper legal work done. She should have had A Power Of... The sad thing is that once dementia is diagnosed, it's harder to get the proper legal work done. She should have had A Power Of Attorney, a will and a health directive drawn up long ago.
You are not at all alone in the fact that she didn't do this and you are faced now with a dementia diagnosis for her. I'd see an estate or elder attorney very soon about getting the documents drawn up soon. Her doctor may be able to help. Good luck. It's so hard to be where you are.
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You are not at all alone in the fact that she didn't do this and you are faced now with a dementia diagnosis for her. I'd see an estate or elder attorney very soon about getting the documents drawn up soon. Her doctor may be able to help. Good luck. It's so hard to be where you are.
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Question
IWhat should I do if I have an Alcoholic Aging Sister on West Coast and I'm on the East Coast?
Even if you go out there, you may not get anywhere with her. Alcoholism is a disease. Your sister is not likely to accept any help until... Even if you go out there, you may not get anywhere with her. Alcoholism is a disease. Your sister is not likely to accept any help until she is desperate enough to do so.
If she bottoms out, there is help for her through treatment centers. You may benefit from going to Al-Anon. These people can help you cope with your grief (and unearned guilt) over not being able to help your sister.
Social Services may be able to help get her to treatment if she drinks at home and they visit and she is obviously unable to care for herself. Other than that, I'm not sure what you can do for her, but you can help yourself.
This is a very sad story, but not uncommon. If you go to Al-Anon, you will find out you have company in your grief.
Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
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If she bottoms out, there is help for her through treatment centers. You may benefit from going to Al-Anon. These people can help you cope with your grief (and unearned guilt) over not being able to help your sister.
Social Services may be able to help get her to treatment if she drinks at home and they visit and she is obviously unable to care for herself. Other than that, I'm not sure what you can do for her, but you can help yourself.
This is a very sad story, but not uncommon. If you go to Al-Anon, you will find out you have company in your grief.
Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
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Question
I am Power of Attorney for my grandmother. Do I need to apply for guardianship or conservatorship in order to...
I can't imagine why you would need guardianship to qualify for family leave. Family leave, whether it's for maternity or elder... I can't imagine why you would need guardianship to qualify for family leave. Family leave, whether it's for maternity or elder care, should be available to you if a member of your family needs you.
Getting guardianship is time consuming and expensive and unless the person is proven to need this, you may not get it anyway. I would talk with an elder attorney about this issue if you go this route.
I think you also need to check the rules, maybe even through an attorney, about FMLA. I am not an expert on this, but I've never heard that you need to be the guardian in order to take leave.
Please keep us posted as what you find out will help others.
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Getting guardianship is time consuming and expensive and unless the person is proven to need this, you may not get it anyway. I would talk with an elder attorney about this issue if you go this route.
I think you also need to check the rules, maybe even through an attorney, about FMLA. I am not an expert on this, but I've never heard that you need to be the guardian in order to take leave.
Please keep us posted as what you find out will help others.
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Question
My mother-in-law has been removing her pull-up briefs. It causes quite a mess at times, and requires so much e...
This is a common and frustrating issue. Does she have dementia? She may not understand what she is doing (not that this helps you). Could... This is a common and frustrating issue. Does she have dementia?
She may not understand what she is doing (not that this helps you).
Could you try a different kind of brief? The change may help her either by making her more comfortable, or just confusing her because they go on differently.
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She may not understand what she is doing (not that this helps you).
Could you try a different kind of brief? The change may help her either by making her more comfortable, or just confusing her because they go on differently.
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Question
What can I do for my mother if she can afford to live alone anymore and coming to live with my husband and I w...
If this will wreck your marriage, you can't do it. Help your mother by getting her on Medicaid and looking for senior housing that is... If this will wreck your marriage, you can't do it. Help your mother by getting her on Medicaid and looking for senior housing that is subsidized. Go to your state's Web site and look for help under aging services.
Good luck. These are hard decisions.
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Good luck. These are hard decisions.
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Question
Is there a way I could get financial assistance, while taking care of my elderly mother?
This is the golden question. Every state is different, but if you want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476 you will get... This is the golden question. Every state is different, but if you want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/135476
you will get some ideas. It takes work.
You may want to go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. Then you should be able to find a contact and ask for some direction, locally. Good luck with this.
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you will get some ideas. It takes work.
You may want to go to your state's Web site and look under aging services. Then you should be able to find a contact and ask for some direction, locally. Good luck with this.
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Question
How do we have me elder parents mental health properly evaluated without a fight?
You could call Social Services for a welfare check and hope they pick up on something that shows these folks can't care for each other.... You could call Social Services for a welfare check and hope they pick up on something that shows these folks can't care for each other.
As far as the arguing, it is distressing. Is this "new" behavior or have they always bickered?
The doctor (you are right) doesn't seem savvy about elder issues. A geriatrician would be ideal if you can find one. I'd at least work on everyone to let them be evaluated by a different doctor. There may be dementia issue that could be helped by medication.
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As far as the arguing, it is distressing. Is this "new" behavior or have they always bickered?
The doctor (you are right) doesn't seem savvy about elder issues. A geriatrician would be ideal if you can find one. I'd at least work on everyone to let them be evaluated by a different doctor. There may be dementia issue that could be helped by medication.
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Question
Can an assisted living facility require a resident to pay for a personal sitter?
If the resident can't be left alone and needs someone with him or her, most assisted living centers would consider that extra, just as... If the resident can't be left alone and needs someone with him or her, most assisted living centers would consider that extra, just as any in-home care agency services would be extra. You need to check their policy, but this would not be unusual.
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Question
Can Medicaid or Medicare take my mom's house?
Medicare will not. If your mom was on Medicaid, and your brother was the caregiver, there may be a way to keep it, but you'll need an... Medicare will not. If your mom was on Medicaid, and your brother was the caregiver, there may be a way to keep it, but you'll need an estate attorney. This is not something to handle on your own, if Medicaid is involved.
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Question
How can I get my stubborn father to come on a trip with me?
Maybe he's uncomfortable in new surroundings. If he has any type of dementia, the confusion of new surroundings can cause anxiety. If... Maybe he's uncomfortable in new surroundings. If he has any type of dementia, the confusion of new surroundings can cause anxiety.
If he is overly anxious, you could try talking about it in small bits instead of the whole picture. Maybe try some shorter trips to see how it goes.
Good luck. Much will depend on his mental state. What a younger person views as fun may no longer appeal to someone older.
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If he is overly anxious, you could try talking about it in small bits instead of the whole picture. Maybe try some shorter trips to see how it goes.
Good luck. Much will depend on his mental state. What a younger person views as fun may no longer appeal to someone older.
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Question
Can I ask for mom of the will if my four siblings aren't helping at all in the care for my father?
This is common and frustrating, dootiebooks. You may want to read: https://www.agingcare.com/135062 At least you will know you aren't... This is common and frustrating, dootiebooks. You may want to read: https://www.agingcare.com/135062
At least you will know you aren't alone. As for asking for more in the will, you can try, but you should get your caregiving duties in writing and have everything down so it doesn't cause problems down the road.
Please keep coming back for support. It does help to know you aren't alone.
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At least you will know you aren't alone. As for asking for more in the will, you can try, but you should get your caregiving duties in writing and have everything down so it doesn't cause problems down the road.
Please keep coming back for support. It does help to know you aren't alone.
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Question
How can I get my mother to stop refusing medical treatment and medications that help her rest?
As SecretSister says, they do have rights. It can frustrate us, but we can't change that. I'm wondering if she has a good freind,... As SecretSister says, they do have rights. It can frustrate us, but we can't change that.
I'm wondering if she has a good freind, a pastor, priest or Rabbi who can talk with her. Sometimes they balk at family because they feel bossed around. A third party often can break through the resistance.
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I'm wondering if she has a good freind, a pastor, priest or Rabbi who can talk with her. Sometimes they balk at family because they feel bossed around. A third party often can break through the resistance.
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Question
Does anyone have any advice regarding medical response systems for elders who live alone?
Many of them are good. Just be sure you don't have to sign a contract, as you don't want to be stuck with one if your father goes... Many of them are good. Just be sure you don't have to sign a contract, as you don't want to be stuck with one if your father goes to a nursing home.
If you want some direction (there are many online), you could call a local in-home agency or your local hospital. They should be able to guide you.
These alarms are wonderful. I made use of them for several of my elders and I encourage you to look into one.
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If you want some direction (there are many online), you could call a local in-home agency or your local hospital. They should be able to guide you.
These alarms are wonderful. I made use of them for several of my elders and I encourage you to look into one.
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Question
How should the family handle the fact that grandmother refuses help for grandfather?
This made me cry. It's all too common. Your Grandma doesn't want to give up her place as center of attention, and she likely does... This made me cry. It's all too common.
Your Grandma doesn't want to give up her place as center of attention, and she likely does see it as her "duty" to care for her husband. Since people think she can't manage, she get's even more stubborn.
You are right that her "care" could kill him. I don't know that there is a smooth answer to this. You are willing to have an in-home care agency come in. The fact that she resists this "stranger" coming in is also not unusual. But something needs to be done.
Do they have a pastor or Rabbi they trust? A third party seems to be your only hope. If there is no one else who can convince her that more help is needed (I think rather than making this about Grandpa, you could say "this is too hard on YOU - make it about her), then his doctor (or maybe hers? Again - all about HER), could be contacted and asked to give "doctor's orders" that they have help.
If all else fails, Social Services can do a welfare check. If they see that this couple can't manage alone, they can step in. In the end, this may be what you need to do.
Best wishes. This is going to be tough,
Carol see more
Your Grandma doesn't want to give up her place as center of attention, and she likely does see it as her "duty" to care for her husband. Since people think she can't manage, she get's even more stubborn.
You are right that her "care" could kill him. I don't know that there is a smooth answer to this. You are willing to have an in-home care agency come in. The fact that she resists this "stranger" coming in is also not unusual. But something needs to be done.
Do they have a pastor or Rabbi they trust? A third party seems to be your only hope. If there is no one else who can convince her that more help is needed (I think rather than making this about Grandpa, you could say "this is too hard on YOU - make it about her), then his doctor (or maybe hers? Again - all about HER), could be contacted and asked to give "doctor's orders" that they have help.
If all else fails, Social Services can do a welfare check. If they see that this couple can't manage alone, they can step in. In the end, this may be what you need to do.
Best wishes. This is going to be tough,
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Question
How will my 78-year-old mother's taxes get filed and paid, if she dies before I can get her back taxes dealt w...
After a person dies the POA doesn't generally work. Get as much done as you can, now. If you are executor of her her estate, you'll... After a person dies the POA doesn't generally work. Get as much done as you can, now. If you are executor of her her estate, you'll be handling that after her death. If not, I would imagine the probate court will handle it, but you should have some legal advice.
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Question
What should I do about an abusive alcoholic father that one cares about?
P.S. glitterart. I think Al-Anon could help you a lot. You may want to give it a try.
Carol
Carol
Question
How does a mom let go of her kids, why can't they forgive her?
It's hard for people to understand the dramatic effects of some medications and the difficulties of finding the right one and the right... It's hard for people to understand the dramatic effects of some medications and the difficulties of finding the right one and the right dosage.
It sounds like you all have suffered much. Ideally, you'd get family counseling, but that doesn't sound like it will happen soon. It may be best for you to get individual counseling to help yourself let go in a loving way.
Many support groups offer help - have you thought of CODA for codependent people (most of us are in some ways)? Many of those groups are based on the AA Twelve Steps, as is Al-Anon, but CODA is more general. This group would support you (you may have to try more than one to get a "good fit"), but they would help you find your own life first, and eventually, that may lead to healing with your family.
Good luck. It is all very hard, but worth the journey,
Carol see more
It sounds like you all have suffered much. Ideally, you'd get family counseling, but that doesn't sound like it will happen soon. It may be best for you to get individual counseling to help yourself let go in a loving way.
Many support groups offer help - have you thought of CODA for codependent people (most of us are in some ways)? Many of those groups are based on the AA Twelve Steps, as is Al-Anon, but CODA is more general. This group would support you (you may have to try more than one to get a "good fit"), but they would help you find your own life first, and eventually, that may lead to healing with your family.
Good luck. It is all very hard, but worth the journey,
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Question
What should I do about an abusive alcoholic father that one cares about?
Is he a veteran? They should be able to help, if he is. Otherwise, I would involve Social Services. He needs treatment for his alcoholism,... Is he a veteran? They should be able to help, if he is. Otherwise, I would involve Social Services. He needs treatment for his alcoholism, but may not be willing to try. However, with trained people from the VA or Social Services (a welfare check may work), you should get some help.
He's a sick as your mother, but it's harder to deal with since his alcoholism has made so many people miserable. He's obviously miserable, too, but until he deals with it, nothing will improve. Please try to get third party help. You can't handle this alone.
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He's a sick as your mother, but it's harder to deal with since his alcoholism has made so many people miserable. He's obviously miserable, too, but until he deals with it, nothing will improve. Please try to get third party help. You can't handle this alone.
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Question
Why is my mother having such a negative physical and mental reaction to being in a nursing home?
She is choosing not to do the activities (my mother did this). We sometimes have to accept their contradictory choices (I'm so bored,... She is choosing not to do the activities (my mother did this). We sometimes have to accept their contradictory choices (I'm so bored, there is nothing to do - and then they don't do what they can), since they are adults and all we can do is encourage.
She may be having a nervous problem, but it could be physical. It sounds like she needs a check up, anyway.
Medications can cause itchy skin as can nutritional deficiencies. She could even be allergic to something they use in the laundry, so trying some sheets from home on her bed and to line her recliner would be worth trying (also washing her clothes at home). This is unlikely, but may be worth ruling out the possibility.
Medical advice is needed, however.
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She may be having a nervous problem, but it could be physical. It sounds like she needs a check up, anyway.
Medications can cause itchy skin as can nutritional deficiencies. She could even be allergic to something they use in the laundry, so trying some sheets from home on her bed and to line her recliner would be worth trying (also washing her clothes at home). This is unlikely, but may be worth ruling out the possibility.
Medical advice is needed, however.
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My mother puts food in her mouth and chews, but doesn't swallow. Is this a symptom of Alzheimer's or might it...
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