Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I help someone who has just had a stroke accept their situation?
Acceptance is the key, and easier said than done. I'm assuming he is having therapy or has had as much as he can. Does he use a... Acceptance is the key, and easier said than done. I'm assuming he is having therapy or has had as much as he can.
Does he use a computer? There are new voice activated programs available. I realize he probably doesn't, given his age, but I ask, as many in his group do.
Does he get to have time with friends? Being home bound can be very depressing to people, especially those who were once active.
Adult day care could be an option as they often have exercise equipment and there is a lot of peer interaction (in a good one).
He could go one day a week, or afternoons, or whatever.
He will likely not ever fully accept this limitation, but if you can find things he can learn and people he can enjoy, it will help. His doctor may want to see if he needs an antidepressant, though not all of those help, and it's often hard to find the right one.
Also, some counseling may help. Does he have a pastor, priest or Rabbi he respects? Talking with these people can help.
You and he are in a difficult position, and there is no magic answer. Watch for other ideas on this site.
Good luck to both of you.
Carol see more
Does he use a computer? There are new voice activated programs available. I realize he probably doesn't, given his age, but I ask, as many in his group do.
Does he get to have time with friends? Being home bound can be very depressing to people, especially those who were once active.
Adult day care could be an option as they often have exercise equipment and there is a lot of peer interaction (in a good one).
He could go one day a week, or afternoons, or whatever.
He will likely not ever fully accept this limitation, but if you can find things he can learn and people he can enjoy, it will help. His doctor may want to see if he needs an antidepressant, though not all of those help, and it's often hard to find the right one.
Also, some counseling may help. Does he have a pastor, priest or Rabbi he respects? Talking with these people can help.
You and he are in a difficult position, and there is no magic answer. Watch for other ideas on this site.
Good luck to both of you.
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my mother to stop picking on her caregiver?
This isn't unusual. She is probably feeling anger toward needing care at all, so she is fighting the person who is helping her.... This isn't unusual. She is probably feeling anger toward needing care at all, so she is fighting the person who is helping her. It's a difficult thing to deal with, but personalities can enter in, too. If there is a choice of people, you may want to see if the agency or home can switch people to see if that helps.
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Question
Why has my mother become more hungry than she usually is?
Does she have dementia? Sometimes people with dementia literally forget they ate and want to eat again, since they don't think they... Does she have dementia? Sometimes people with dementia literally forget they ate and want to eat again, since they don't think they have. It's more mental than physical.
If that isn't the case (or even if it is), I'd check with her doctor. She may have a digestive disorder or some type.
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If that isn't the case (or even if it is), I'd check with her doctor. She may have a digestive disorder or some type.
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Question
When are daughters going to stop being so guilt ridden and controlled by their aging parents?.
You've got a good point. Finding a balance is very hard, but most parents would not want their adult children to wreck their health,... You've got a good point. Finding a balance is very hard, but most parents would not want their adult children to wreck their health, ignore the needs of young children, destroy their health and, sometimes, marriages. All of these things can happen.
One thing I tried to do (and often failed) was to remember, what would they have wanted before the helplessness and dementia? I knew my parents took care of their parents, but they didn't give their lives for them.
That said, balance is easier to talk about than to find. Thanks for bring up the topic.
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One thing I tried to do (and often failed) was to remember, what would they have wanted before the helplessness and dementia? I knew my parents took care of their parents, but they didn't give their lives for them.
That said, balance is easier to talk about than to find. Thanks for bring up the topic.
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Question
How much does diabetes management cost in assisted living?
Most assisted living facilities don't provide medical care, so you'd have to talk with the individual facility. Often, they... Most assisted living facilities don't provide medical care, so you'd have to talk with the individual facility. Often, they contract with an in-home provider who is licensed for nursing care. This one may have their own. However, each facility is different.
Diabetes is so common in the AL age group, that the administrators should be able to quickly tell you their policy. You may find it is extra, however.
Carol see more
Diabetes is so common in the AL age group, that the administrators should be able to quickly tell you their policy. You may find it is extra, however.
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Question
Since my father's wife died, he has become depressed and won't leave his house. Is this normal?
He is likely depressed. Yes, this is "normal" to a degree, but if it goes on too long, I'd get him to a doctor. Sometimes an... He is likely depressed. Yes, this is "normal" to a degree, but if it goes on too long, I'd get him to a doctor. Sometimes an anti-depressant helps, if a doctor decides this is a good idea. Caution: not all work the same for everyone, so watch him carefully if he does start taking one. Sometimes, people will get worse on one, but better on another. Also, they take time to work.
However, often the most helpful thing is knowing you aren't alone in your grief. If you check with your local hospice, they have grief groups filled with people like your dad.
Good luck. You are kind in your concern. It will, indeed take time, and he may never fully recover, be he isn't all that old by today's standards. If he can get through this, he could have some reasonably contented years. Please keep trying to help him find peace.
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However, often the most helpful thing is knowing you aren't alone in your grief. If you check with your local hospice, they have grief groups filled with people like your dad.
Good luck. You are kind in your concern. It will, indeed take time, and he may never fully recover, be he isn't all that old by today's standards. If he can get through this, he could have some reasonably contented years. Please keep trying to help him find peace.
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Question
My mother lives with us and I'm her legal caregiver. If I pay for her care, can I claim this money on my taxes...
There are tax breaks for caregivers who spend their own money on their loved one's care, but you should talk with a CPA or an attorney... There are tax breaks for caregivers who spend their own money on their loved one's care, but you should talk with a CPA or an attorney so you know just how to do it. You don't want to send up any red flags that will give you nightmares. Still, you deserve what you deserve. You can check directly with the IRS, but it may be easier in the long run to find an attorney or CPA who knows caregiving tax laws.
Good luck with this,
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Good luck with this,
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Question
Are excess saliva, slurred speech, and choking when eating symptoms of Alzheimer's?
It certainly an be. A doctor should be able to help you cope with this.
Carol
Carol
Question
Who is in charge of of the affairs of a person with dementia when there is no specified POA?
It's difficult to go back, since your MIL has dementia, already. There should be someone appointed POA, but you will need an estate... It's difficult to go back, since your MIL has dementia, already. There should be someone appointed POA, but you will need an estate attorney to guide you through this. There should be an accounting of the money.
Hands-on caregiving is difficult and can cost money. Hiring an outsider to do this work would cost a great deal. So, please don't jump to any conclusions about the daughter's use of your MIL's money. That said, everything should be in the open and a POA should be obtained. The caregiver may even be paying for some respite care. That shouldn't be a problem, but it needs to be documented in order to hold the family together, as the money should go for your MIL's care, medications, etc.
I hope there is a good enough relationship in the family to talk this through.
Carol see more
Hands-on caregiving is difficult and can cost money. Hiring an outsider to do this work would cost a great deal. So, please don't jump to any conclusions about the daughter's use of your MIL's money. That said, everything should be in the open and a POA should be obtained. The caregiver may even be paying for some respite care. That shouldn't be a problem, but it needs to be documented in order to hold the family together, as the money should go for your MIL's care, medications, etc.
I hope there is a good enough relationship in the family to talk this through.
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Question
Does someone with dementia know they have a problem?
jazzsmom That's great advice. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you are on the site so you know you aren't alone.... jazzsmom
That's great advice. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you are on the site so you know you aren't alone.
Carol see more
That's great advice. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you are on the site so you know you aren't alone.
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Question
What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?
Good idea, Butterball. Looking with them (if they allow it) is a great plan.
Carol
Carol
Question
Where can I find a professional to discuss mom's situation with, to make sure that I am doing right thing for...
It does seem like you are doing the right thing. I'm not sure what type of professional, other than her doctor, could reassure you, but... It does seem like you are doing the right thing. I'm not sure what type of professional, other than her doctor, could reassure you, but I do think that if an estate attorney hasn't been consulted for getting you (or someone in your family) a Power Of Attorney for financial reasons and one for health care (a health directive), plus a will, that needs to be done. It will save no end of grief as you move through this.
For reassurance right now, I'd write her doctor a letter explaining what you have told us and see if he or she has other suggestions. You obviously want the right care for her, and now that she has made this move, it may be the time to look to future care. She may possibly stay in her home with hired in-home care, but that may last only for awhile, as her dementia is worsening. If she can't stay with you long term, assisted living may be the next step. She will complain, but she will also have meals and make friends (after adjusting and complaining).
Good luck with it all and please keep checking back. Many people on this site have been through what you are going through.
Carol see more
For reassurance right now, I'd write her doctor a letter explaining what you have told us and see if he or she has other suggestions. You obviously want the right care for her, and now that she has made this move, it may be the time to look to future care. She may possibly stay in her home with hired in-home care, but that may last only for awhile, as her dementia is worsening. If she can't stay with you long term, assisted living may be the next step. She will complain, but she will also have meals and make friends (after adjusting and complaining).
Good luck with it all and please keep checking back. Many people on this site have been through what you are going through.
Carol see more
Question
What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?
You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your... You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your parents' dementia. If this has happened before, hopefully others are aware of that. This would help you a lot.
No, she likely won't listen to you, as she can't remember where she put it, so you (if you are the caregiver) must have taken it. That’s her logic.
The horrible part is, sometimes elders are taken advantage of this way, so law enforcement is more apt to follow through (which they should if it's true). The good part is that the kind of thing you describe happens so frequently, that they likely understand that side, too.
Get anyone you know behind you. Even though, painful as it is, your parents may not be convinced until they stumble on the jewelry, it's time to start getting some witnesses to understand this is a common happening. That could help protect you in the future.
Others on this site have had this happen, so watch for comments.
Carol see more
No, she likely won't listen to you, as she can't remember where she put it, so you (if you are the caregiver) must have taken it. That’s her logic.
The horrible part is, sometimes elders are taken advantage of this way, so law enforcement is more apt to follow through (which they should if it's true). The good part is that the kind of thing you describe happens so frequently, that they likely understand that side, too.
Get anyone you know behind you. Even though, painful as it is, your parents may not be convinced until they stumble on the jewelry, it's time to start getting some witnesses to understand this is a common happening. That could help protect you in the future.
Others on this site have had this happen, so watch for comments.
Carol see more
Question
My husband retired and has Medicare. I am not old enough for Medicare, so where can I find a reasonable prescr...
It doesn't take much to be considered too "risky" with pre-existing conditions. That should change, but for now, many of us... It doesn't take much to be considered too "risky" with pre-existing conditions. That should change, but for now, many of us don't qualify for health insurance on our own. Neither my youngest son nor I do. We had the audacity to get rheumatoid arthritis. We're with you on this, believe me!
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Question
Does someone with dementia know they have a problem?
Many people are aware they are having problems but try to cover it up. Some don't notice. At her age, she could have dementia and may... Many people are aware they are having problems but try to cover it up. Some don't notice. At her age, she could have dementia and may have had for quite some time, but you indicate that maybe other mental issues have existed. Only a doctor is going to be able to figure this out. It sounds like she needs a evaluation.
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Question
Can Medicaid Force The Sell Of Your House?
You should seek a legal opinion here, as states differ. A spouse left living in the home does not have to sell it, though when the spouse... You should seek a legal opinion here, as states differ. A spouse left living in the home does not have to sell it, though when the spouse dies or goes to a nursing home (generally speaking), Medicaid will have put a lean on the home and will want it sold to be reimbursed for what they spent.
You are an adult child, not a spouse. If you were a caregiver to your mother for a sigificant time, there may be options, but you'd have to check with an elder attorney or an estate attorney -someone who knows the Medicaid laws and how your state operates.
Good luck,
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You are an adult child, not a spouse. If you were a caregiver to your mother for a sigificant time, there may be options, but you'd have to check with an elder attorney or an estate attorney -someone who knows the Medicaid laws and how your state operates.
Good luck,
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Question
I'm ashamed that I feel drained and that I'm stressed from caregiving. How do I cope?
Please keep coming back to this site, but also seek some medical help. You may be suffering from depression - so common among caregivers.... Please keep coming back to this site, but also seek some medical help. You may be suffering from depression - so common among caregivers.
You are not alone if you say something out of stress and then feel bad. You are not a bad person and don't need to feel ashamed. But you do need a healthy way to let go of those feelings, and people on this site will "listen." Most do not judge, as they've done the same themselves, so they understand.
That said, your lack of energy and even the shame could be helped by seeing your doctor and maybe even getting some counseling. Shame is something you don't need to feel, but you can't just bury it and say "I won't feel this way anymore." Most people need extra help to get to the point where they can "drop the guilt."
Please keep us posted on your progress. The caring people here will want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
You are not alone if you say something out of stress and then feel bad. You are not a bad person and don't need to feel ashamed. But you do need a healthy way to let go of those feelings, and people on this site will "listen." Most do not judge, as they've done the same themselves, so they understand.
That said, your lack of energy and even the shame could be helped by seeing your doctor and maybe even getting some counseling. Shame is something you don't need to feel, but you can't just bury it and say "I won't feel this way anymore." Most people need extra help to get to the point where they can "drop the guilt."
Please keep us posted on your progress. The caring people here will want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How do you cope after losing your husband that you cared for?
Nearly all hospices have grief support groups. They can be very helpful. People often stay on this site, as well. Several of our... Nearly all hospices have grief support groups. They can be very helpful.
People often stay on this site, as well. Several of our contributors have lost their spouses, but keep coming back to share their wisdom.
However, please call your local hospice. You should get help there.
Carol see more
People often stay on this site, as well. Several of our contributors have lost their spouses, but keep coming back to share their wisdom.
However, please call your local hospice. You should get help there.
Carol see more
Question
Are there are others out there who are raising kids and parents?
Most of my elder care, for all seven elders, coincided with my raising kids. It does affect our children and they have to give up a lot of... Most of my elder care, for all seven elders, coincided with my raising kids. It does affect our children and they have to give up a lot of us. I tried to juggle it all, and I'm sure I failed each generation to some degree. But I did my best. It was all I could do.
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How can I get my mother to stop picking on her caregiver?
It sounds like this caregiver isn't through an agency, so that makes it harder to try others. If you had that option, you mother may be asking for this one back, after calling her bluff. But your options are limited here.
If you are sure your mom is safe and the caregiver can let the nit-picking go without getting angry, you maybe just need to ride with it. If you aren't sure and think the situation may become abusive (in the other way), then you will have to try something else.
Keep us posted.
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