Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What happens to the home and my family when my mother, who owns the home, goes to a nursing home?
You should see an attorney about the state laws. They are not all the same. If a person goes on Medicaid, the spouse can keep the house... You should see an attorney about the state laws. They are not all the same. If a person goes on Medicaid, the spouse can keep the house (generally speaking) and a lean is placed against it for when it is sold (assuming the person in the nursing home is on Medicaid).
It can be different for other family members, but if you've been caring for her for a significant period of time, you may be allowed to stay and make the payments. Again, you will, if she is on Medicaid, need to go by their rules, so an attorney is advisable. Good luck. The rules don't always make sense and it can be heartbreaking. Please get legal help to get you through this. You can check with your State Bar Association to see if there is a qualified attorney who can help you with this for a reduced fee.
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It can be different for other family members, but if you've been caring for her for a significant period of time, you may be allowed to stay and make the payments. Again, you will, if she is on Medicaid, need to go by their rules, so an attorney is advisable. Good luck. The rules don't always make sense and it can be heartbreaking. Please get legal help to get you through this. You can check with your State Bar Association to see if there is a qualified attorney who can help you with this for a reduced fee.
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Question
If someone is not of sound mind, who's decision is it whether or not they go into a care home after being reco...
Is the person a danger to themself or not properly cared for? That should be the issue. If the person is properly cared for, that should be... Is the person a danger to themself or not properly cared for? That should be the issue. If the person is properly cared for, that should be all social services is interested in. If the person needs more care than he or she can get at home, then they may have a case.
Having a POA for health care (health directive) and for financial issues helps so much in these cases. I'm assuming, from the question, that one is not available. So the determining factor will likely be if the person can be cared ore outside of the nurisng home in a way social services sees appropriate.
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Having a POA for health care (health directive) and for financial issues helps so much in these cases. I'm assuming, from the question, that one is not available. So the determining factor will likely be if the person can be cared ore outside of the nurisng home in a way social services sees appropriate.
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Question
My mother needled me to a point of where I told her just to leave my house. I feel guilty and confused, but no...
You don't have to be abused. Is this new behavior? If so, dementia could be causing this and she needs to be diagnosed properly. There... You don't have to be abused. Is this new behavior? If so, dementia could be causing this and she needs to be diagnosed properly. There are medications that help many people.
If this is just the same old behavior, stand up for yourself and let her know that you want to be part of her life but you won't be abused. You don't have to feel guilty about that.
Much depends, here, on what the underlying issues are.
Keep checking back. Many people here have had similar issues.
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If this is just the same old behavior, stand up for yourself and let her know that you want to be part of her life but you won't be abused. You don't have to feel guilty about that.
Much depends, here, on what the underlying issues are.
Keep checking back. Many people here have had similar issues.
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Question
We moved father to TX for nursing home when he was no longer able to care for himself.Where can we get advice...
Is there any way that you can find out if your dad had an estate attorney? Does anyone have POA? (I gather not, but had to ask). If you... Is there any way that you can find out if your dad had an estate attorney? Does anyone have POA? (I gather not, but had to ask). If you don't have any clues, just start digging through his papers and figure out his bank, etc. Then, you may want to see an estate attorney to help get a Power of Attorney drawn up and signed before you dad is incapable on understanding that he needs someone to do this for him. If he is past that point, you will still need to see an attorney about what to do so you can pay his bills and handle his finances. Good luck. This is why we all need to do the legal work early. Please check back and let us know how you do.
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Question
There are five siblings and we all have different ideas about our parent's care. What can we do when we all di...
You could talk with an elder attorney, or even more than one. If you could get a mediator, that would certainly be easier and cheaper.... You could talk with an elder attorney, or even more than one. If you could get a mediator, that would certainly be easier and cheaper. YOu may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/134376
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should...
Boy, do I remember the problems with too many 911 calls! First, it was ambulance rides for my dad - the insurance company wouldn't pay... Boy, do I remember the problems with too many 911 calls! First, it was ambulance rides for my dad - the insurance company wouldn't pay anymore. Then, with my mom, it was her falls. They did get nasty.
It is all very hard, Reba. No wonder you are tired. I'm glad you can talk it out here. I hope you have others who you can talk with. Obviously, some relief help would be good, but I know that is easier to say than to get.
Take care of yourself, or what would happen to him?
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It is all very hard, Reba. No wonder you are tired. I'm glad you can talk it out here. I hope you have others who you can talk with. Obviously, some relief help would be good, but I know that is easier to say than to get.
Take care of yourself, or what would happen to him?
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Question
My 72 year old Mother has been the caregiver for her 94 year old Mother for 24 years. Now my Mother needs a c...
The short answer is yes. Separating them now would be horribly hard on them. If they need drastically different levels of care, try to find... The short answer is yes. Separating them now would be horribly hard on them. If they need drastically different levels of care, try to find a facility that gives many levels, but where your mom can still visit her mother.
The only negative would be that your mother may still feel she has to "care" for her mother. But if she is able to understand that her mother is cared for and all she has to do is visit when she is up to it, then the same place seems to me to be a good solution.
This happens more often than we'd like to think. Red flag, caregivers! Take care of yourselves, too.
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The only negative would be that your mother may still feel she has to "care" for her mother. But if she is able to understand that her mother is cared for and all she has to do is visit when she is up to it, then the same place seems to me to be a good solution.
This happens more often than we'd like to think. Red flag, caregivers! Take care of yourselves, too.
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Question
How do I begin the appeal process for my mother, who is being forcibly removed from their skilled nursing situ...
Yes, it does make one wonder. Everyone I've talked to has just stayed with it - some with success and others not. Can you find a... Yes, it does make one wonder. Everyone I've talked to has just stayed with it - some with success and others not. Can you find a different doctor to give another opinion to back up the first? That may help. I hope others will chime in with their experiences.
Good luck with this. Please keep in touch.
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Good luck with this. Please keep in touch.
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Question
Mom is trying to get rid of me, but she needs help from professionals. How can I get her to get help?
This is painful for you but too much to handle. In the end only you can decide these things, but it does seem that with her mental health... This is painful for you but too much to handle. In the end only you can decide these things, but it does seem that with her mental health history, you definitely need third party help. I'm glad the attorney was gracious. They see this is her mental illness, not you. That said, they may have to place her in a safe environment, if she is not in one now, and you may have to let others care for her. The drugs and alcohol have done a lot of damage (my opinion), and underlying mental illness seems to be part of it. Please don't feel guilty if you have to let others take care of her. When she is in a better state, you can do as much for her as she allows without letting her abuse you. Work with the officials so you are not under this pressure. She could be a danger to herself or to you. Please let us know how it goes.
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Question
My sister is upset because my brother appointed me his guardian. How can I encourage a positive relationship b...
It's sad that she is taking this out on your brother. You may want to try family counseling or mediation if she will do it. If she... It's sad that she is taking this out on your brother. You may want to try family counseling or mediation if she will do it. If she absolutely refuses, then please try to find a friend of his or someone who can take him out regularly. You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/134376
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should...
Isn't it amazing how they can be so with it one moment and not the next? One this to be sure, dementia does not mean "not... Isn't it amazing how they can be so with it one moment and not the next? One this to be sure, dementia does not mean "not smart!"
Thanks for the input and some humor. We have to keep that, too.
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Thanks for the input and some humor. We have to keep that, too.
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Question
My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should...
This is highly individual, but you have tried the truth and it upsets him, so it may be time to start saying something to the effect that... This is highly individual, but you have tried the truth and it upsets him, so it may be time to start saying something to the effect that his mother is happy and, depending on your/his spiritual beliefs, you could say she is "with grandma and grandpa" or something of that kind.
Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
Keep checking in. We know it's hard.
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Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
Keep checking in. We know it's hard.
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Question
My sister and I are taking turns caring for my parents in their home. Is this a good way to handle their care?
Everyone does this to some extent as no two situations are the same. Sites like this, where you can read about the experiences of many... Everyone does this to some extent as no two situations are the same. Sites like this, where you can read about the experiences of many caregivers, are a great help.
Also, check your state Web site for aging services. Most states offer some help with training family caregivers through the Family Caregiver Support Program.
You are off to a good start.
Take care,
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Also, check your state Web site for aging services. Most states offer some help with training family caregivers through the Family Caregiver Support Program.
You are off to a good start.
Take care,
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Question
How do I get my mother, who has aphasia, to do more for herself?
It sounds like she is depressed. Anti-depressants don't all work the same for everyone. Some people get worse on one and better on... It sounds like she is depressed. Anti-depressants don't all work the same for everyone. Some people get worse on one and better on another. Some must try several. It's horribly frustrating, as they take weeks to work, and it's hard for a caregiver to tell what is going on. That said, you need some help with this. If she sleeps all the time, maybe it's her meds or depression, but whatever it is, you are too stressed. RSVP has a senior companion program in many areas, where a senior is paid to stop in and visit awhile so the caregiver can get away. This is a Federal program, so it's worth checking your phone book for RSVP (may be called Senior Corps or Retired Senior Volunteer Program). I hope you can find ways to get out and do things for yourself so you can relax. Stress takes a toll on the caregiver and care receiver.
Take care of yourself,
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Take care of yourself,
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Question
I'm having a difficult time working full-time and trying to care for my mother who lives in senior housing. Ho...
Is your mother on Medicaid? There may be some funding for some in-home caregiving. Check with Medicaid. Also, check your state's Web... Is your mother on Medicaid? There may be some funding for some in-home caregiving. Check with Medicaid. Also, check your state's Web site under aging services to see what they offer.
Good luck You need some help.
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Good luck You need some help.
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Question
Why does my spouse with AD experience trouble with swallowing and extreme weight loss?
You definitely need more support. I hope you can find a geriatrician, or some doctor who understands these issues other than just doing... You definitely need more support. I hope you can find a geriatrician, or some doctor who understands these issues other than just doing tests. The slurred speech sounds like stroke, but if they didn't find that, then what? Did this happen suddenly? There must be a doctor who will really listen to you. The change in AD meds may be why he's angry (maybe they were helping). But there are other issues.
Good luck with this. It's so painful to cope with.
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Good luck with this. It's so painful to cope with.
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Question
Advice requested: how to find quality home helper for my Grandparents?
Most in-home companies provide these services. You can go to www.agingcare.com/Find-Senior-Care/ on this site or www.eldercare.gov. Either... Most in-home companies provide these services. You can go to www.agingcare.com/Find-Senior-Care/ on this site or www.eldercare.gov. Either should be able to help you find agencies in your grandparents' area. The next step is to ask the companies for references. Try to get several references from each agency, if you can.
In-home agencies, as with all businesses, have wonderful workers and some who are not, so try to keep communicating with your grandparents when they do get help. You want to know how it's going.
Good luck,
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In-home agencies, as with all businesses, have wonderful workers and some who are not, so try to keep communicating with your grandparents when they do get help. You want to know how it's going.
Good luck,
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Question
Why does my spouse with AD experience trouble with swallowing and extreme weight loss?
Are you not getting answers from her doctor? She obviously needs some medical help and if the doctor she is seeing has no suggestions,... Are you not getting answers from her doctor? She obviously needs some medical help and if the doctor she is seeing has no suggestions, I'd suggest trying to see a gerontologist, or at least a doctor who has experience with handling these symptoms. They are not unusual with AD.
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Question
Is there any financial assistance to allow for someone to quit their job to take care of their Mom?
Yes, it is sad in so many ways. We can care for our families for much less than a stranger, yet it is often made impossible. Family leave... Yes, it is sad in so many ways. We can care for our families for much less than a stranger, yet it is often made impossible. Family leave is important, but how many people can leave their jobs without pay, especially those without a working spouse?
I wish we could offer a magic bullet, but we can't. We all need to keep pressing for improvements in the system as it stands. Much of what family caregivers want is cheaper for the tax payer than what caregivers are forced to use. You've got to shake your head.
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I wish we could offer a magic bullet, but we can't. We all need to keep pressing for improvements in the system as it stands. Much of what family caregivers want is cheaper for the tax payer than what caregivers are forced to use. You've got to shake your head.
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My husband retired and has Medicare. I am not old enough for Medicare, so where can I find a reasonable prescr...
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