Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
Referred to doctor who is currently leading a study on alzheimers. What questions do I ask him in regards to...
Ask how far the trial has gone for safety checks. Ask about drug interactions with the meds she needs for other issues (if she needs them).... Ask how far the trial has gone for safety checks. Ask about drug interactions with the meds she needs for other issues (if she needs them). Ask how closely she will be tracked, what negatives to watch for and if you can take her out of the study should you see negative effects.
All of this should be explained to you without asking, but you are smart to think about it. There may be others on the site who have used studies. Hopefully they will add to this, so keep posted.
Carol
PS - We'd also love your feedback as it happens. We'll be with you in spirit.
cb see more
All of this should be explained to you without asking, but you are smart to think about it. There may be others on the site who have used studies. Hopefully they will add to this, so keep posted.
Carol
PS - We'd also love your feedback as it happens. We'll be with you in spirit.
cb see more
Question
Is online chat a reputable source to provide real-time senior care of consulting?
That's the problem. It's hard to keep the professional boundaries with that mode. E-mail and even phone chats work better. I know... That's the problem. It's hard to keep the professional boundaries with that mode. E-mail and even phone chats work better. I know caregivers are often strapped for money, but people who work in this area have to make a living too. Many of us would do it all free if we could. I answer tons of emails and don't charge, but I may have to set a limit there one day, as my time is my bread and butter. That said, I spent two decades where so many care givers are, and I truly do "feel their pain" – physical, emotional and financial.
I know instant answers and chat would be very welcome. It's implementing a way to make it happen that gets tricky, even for Web sites as well done as Agingcare.com
Carol see more
I know instant answers and chat would be very welcome. It's implementing a way to make it happen that gets tricky, even for Web sites as well done as Agingcare.com
Carol see more
Question
Is online chat a reputable source to provide real-time senior care of consulting?
HI Mark, Do you mean with the caregiver? There are many coaches who do it by phone, but it can get expensive. As far as online chat,... HI Mark,
Do you mean with the caregiver? There are many coaches who do it by phone, but it can get expensive. As far as online chat, sometimes people connect on sites and start to use IM, but that needs to be between them as they have to exchange information. Many of us answer personal emails.
I think an IM session is a good idea, but it's not always possible, from the business perspective, on an ongoing basis. It could be very useful if it could be made to work.
Carol see more
Do you mean with the caregiver? There are many coaches who do it by phone, but it can get expensive. As far as online chat, sometimes people connect on sites and start to use IM, but that needs to be between them as they have to exchange information. Many of us answer personal emails.
I think an IM session is a good idea, but it's not always possible, from the business perspective, on an ongoing basis. It could be very useful if it could be made to work.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help a veteran receive his benefits if he has more money in his savings than is allowed?
Keeping all receipts and good records is essential. It's all a slow process. It's always good to hear from people who have beent... Keeping all receipts and good records is essential. It's all a slow process. It's always good to hear from people who have beent there,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I help a veteran receive his benefits if he has more money in his savings than is allowed?
Good records could help a lot in this case. It the land is in her name, I would expect they will consider it hers, but an attorney (elder... Good records could help a lot in this case. It the land is in her name, I would expect they will consider it hers, but an attorney (elder attorney or estate attorney) who knows Medicaid laws would be a good idea. You can check with your State Bar Association for names.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my siblings to understand why mom is leaving me the house?
Since your mom is sound of mind, she needs to make this out in a legal form. You and she need to see an estate attorney. You are right that... Since your mom is sound of mind, she needs to make this out in a legal form. You and she need to see an estate attorney. You are right that caregiving is not even close to a "visit."
Fair? If your sister wants fairness, she needs to share the caregiving duties or pay someone to do half of what you do. You and your mom obviously have a good relationship. You need to understand this will likely damage your relationship with your sister, maybe for life. But if this is what your mom wants, and if she is mentally able to give consent, then do it legally, and do it soon. You can deal with your sibling issues later. It would be helpful if your mom can see to it your sister is left something of value. Good luck. There's nothing like money issues to divide a family.
Carol see more
Fair? If your sister wants fairness, she needs to share the caregiving duties or pay someone to do half of what you do. You and your mom obviously have a good relationship. You need to understand this will likely damage your relationship with your sister, maybe for life. But if this is what your mom wants, and if she is mentally able to give consent, then do it legally, and do it soon. You can deal with your sibling issues later. It would be helpful if your mom can see to it your sister is left something of value. Good luck. There's nothing like money issues to divide a family.
Carol see more
Question
My mother with dementia was too much for me to handle on my own so I placed her in a nursing home. Now I can't...
Well said, Rabbi. Thanks for your input.
Carol
Carol
Question
My mother with dementia was too much for me to handle on my own so I placed her in a nursing home. Now I can't...
No, you aren't going too much. She just would like you there more. Please drop the guilt. We all go through that. They get lonely and... No, you aren't going too much. She just would like you there more. Please drop the guilt. We all go through that.
They get lonely and sometimes even abusive to you, the person they trust, because they are so frustrated with their losses and their situation in general. You are doing everything right. If she gets too nasty, stand up to her and tell her you are leaving since she is treating you badly and that you hope she will treat you better next time you visit.
The nursing home where my parents were had to practically force me to understand that, but it worked. If you know she is well cared for, you can skip some visits if she needs that to understand she can't be mean to you. It's amazing what they can understand when you stand up for yourself.
Take care (of you, too),
Carol see more
They get lonely and sometimes even abusive to you, the person they trust, because they are so frustrated with their losses and their situation in general. You are doing everything right. If she gets too nasty, stand up to her and tell her you are leaving since she is treating you badly and that you hope she will treat you better next time you visit.
The nursing home where my parents were had to practically force me to understand that, but it worked. If you know she is well cared for, you can skip some visits if she needs that to understand she can't be mean to you. It's amazing what they can understand when you stand up for yourself.
Take care (of you, too),
Carol see more
Question
Is there health care available for an adult son who takes care of his disabled mother?
The Family Caregiver Support Program should be available in every state through Federal funding. Go to your state's Web site and look... The Family Caregiver Support Program should be available in every state through Federal funding. Go to your state's Web site and look for aging services and for that program. They will tell you who in your area administers this program.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Mother's doctors say it's time for a nursing home, but she is doing fine in the assisted living facility. How...
You are right to stand up for her. If she is improving, document it all. Then start looking at in-home agencies who can have people help... You are right to stand up for her. If she is improving, document it all. Then start looking at in-home agencies who can have people help her when she gets to her own retirement home.
Nursing homes aren't all bad and these people mean well, in that her age is a factor. But if she can be independent and happy in another environment, and if she has the cognitive ability to make decisions, it seems everything possible should be done to respect those decisions. She sounds determined and strong. She may never get so she can be alone - but then she may. There are alarms she can wear and in-home help agencies available. Keep monitoring her and documenting her progress. Then find a doctor who knows elders and respects them to back you if you feel the retirement home is best for her.
These are never easy decisions and you will have to understand that if she has problems when she is alone, she may have to move again, and that is hard. Obviously, you love her and want the best for her. Good luck to you.
Carol see more
Nursing homes aren't all bad and these people mean well, in that her age is a factor. But if she can be independent and happy in another environment, and if she has the cognitive ability to make decisions, it seems everything possible should be done to respect those decisions. She sounds determined and strong. She may never get so she can be alone - but then she may. There are alarms she can wear and in-home help agencies available. Keep monitoring her and documenting her progress. Then find a doctor who knows elders and respects them to back you if you feel the retirement home is best for her.
These are never easy decisions and you will have to understand that if she has problems when she is alone, she may have to move again, and that is hard. Obviously, you love her and want the best for her. Good luck to you.
Carol see more
Question
How do you dispose of old x-rays?
Your city probably has a hazzardous waste policy. I'd call them and ask. Many have a drop-off point for this type of waste. Thanks for... Your city probably has a hazzardous waste policy. I'd call them and ask. Many have a drop-off point for this type of waste.
Thanks for asking. This is an interesting question many wouldn't wouldn't think of asking about!
Carol see more
Thanks for asking. This is an interesting question many wouldn't wouldn't think of asking about!
Carol see more
Question
Are there men only caregiver discussion groups?
There's a man I'd love to connect you with. I'd have to get his permission, but he could help you so much. He's a retired... There's a man I'd love to connect you with. I'd have to get his permission, but he could help you so much. He's a retired professor who has lovingly cared for his wife with Alzheimer's. We communicate often because he started reading my newspaper column, then he started reading all of my online writing and emailing me from time to time. He's got lots of tips and I often use them in my column. He's very practical.
You can find my email by going to my profile and following links if you wish. I could then ask him if he would like to correspond with you. No promises, but it's possible. He likes to help others.
Other than that, we can hope more men will chime in with their ideas. We do have them on this site. I don't know of a men only site to send you to, the men are out there. I'll keep my eyes open. Carol see more
You can find my email by going to my profile and following links if you wish. I could then ask him if he would like to correspond with you. No promises, but it's possible. He likes to help others.
Other than that, we can hope more men will chime in with their ideas. We do have them on this site. I don't know of a men only site to send you to, the men are out there. I'll keep my eyes open. Carol see more
Question
Are there men only caregiver discussion groups?
I don't know of any men only groups, but we have men on this site and all are welcome.
Hey, guys, talk to Maurice!
Carol
Hey, guys, talk to Maurice!
Carol
Question
Mother is unhappy living anywhere but her home, but she isn't safe living alone. Should I still send her home...
If she is sound mentally, she has a right to her choices. Try to get her a personal alarm system she can wear to call for help. Also, see... If she is sound mentally, she has a right to her choices. Try to get her a personal alarm system she can wear to call for help. Also, see if she will let you hire in-home help for some of the time, if only to check on her daily. This is tough, I know, but elders do have rights. I hope I will be able to exercise my rights as long as I am capable of doing so.
If it gets too bad, she may have to move into assisted living whether she wants to or not, but try her way if you can, for as long as your can. You are right to have her checked by social services.
You have a good heart and will go with your gut. Take care,
Carol see more
If it gets too bad, she may have to move into assisted living whether she wants to or not, but try her way if you can, for as long as your can. You are right to have her checked by social services.
You have a good heart and will go with your gut. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find an independent living place for my aunt in Saginaw or Clio, MI?
The Eldercare Locator at www.eldercare.gov will let you type in Zip codes to help you locate a place. They are not screened, but it's a... The Eldercare Locator at www.eldercare.gov will let you type in Zip codes to help you locate a place. They are not screened, but it's a start.
If you can, once you find a place, go and observe. If you have choices, observe and compare. Here are two articles that may help you:
https://www.agingcare.com/133904
https://www.agingcare.com/133358
Good luck with this,
Carol see more
If you can, once you find a place, go and observe. If you have choices, observe and compare. Here are two articles that may help you:
https://www.agingcare.com/133904
https://www.agingcare.com/133358
Good luck with this,
Carol see more
Question
Medicare/Medi-Cal IHSS How long doe it take for process?
Yolanda, I'm so happy you've found this caregiver, but you are right about the liability factor. I would at least look at your... Yolanda, I'm so happy you've found this caregiver, but you are right about the liability factor. I would at least look at your state law (as you are technically an employer), but an elder attorney would be a very good idea. If she gets seriously hurt you could have a problem. Good luck. This is a tough issue all around. You are good to not want to cause tax issues for the caregiver, but you need to protect yourself, too.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What is the life of a stent in the blocked artery?
Each situation is different and it would depend on the material the stent is made from, I would think. A heart specific site may have more... Each situation is different and it would depend on the material the stent is made from, I would think. A heart specific site may have more answers for you, though your doctor will be the best judge.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Will taking away dad's driving time cause him to have emotional issues?
That is what's the toughest thing about insisting someone quit driving – the feeling that you are taking away their independence. ... That is what's the toughest thing about insisting someone quit driving – the feeling that you are taking away their independence.
Since it sounds like you have time, you should start slowly. If he goes somewhere like a club every Monday, try to get him to let you take him and pick him up for that one thing (or go with another friend, or take senior transportation). Then he can drive the rest of the week. Eventually, he'll see he can still go places. Maybe then you can move to two events a week, and so forth. Obviously, this is if he's still capable of driving at all.
The main thing to that you need to research how he will get where he wants to go if he can't drive and slowly let him know that he will be able to do so. It's hard, and he won't like it.
I tell nearly everyone that they will need the third party help of a doctor or good friend or spiritual leader - someone outside of the family that the person respects. It's easier for an adult to hear this message from someone other than their "kids." That's a general statement, of course, but is nearly always true.
Some people, because they have done everything else and still can't get an elder to quit driving even after they've been tested and shown they can't drive, have gone so far as to disable cars. It can get ugly.
If you have time, start discussing this with him. Go to The Hartford Web site and AARP. They both have good material on helping elders be safer drivers for as long as they can, and help with driving cessation. Good luck with this. Your kind heart shows through.
Carol see more
Since it sounds like you have time, you should start slowly. If he goes somewhere like a club every Monday, try to get him to let you take him and pick him up for that one thing (or go with another friend, or take senior transportation). Then he can drive the rest of the week. Eventually, he'll see he can still go places. Maybe then you can move to two events a week, and so forth. Obviously, this is if he's still capable of driving at all.
The main thing to that you need to research how he will get where he wants to go if he can't drive and slowly let him know that he will be able to do so. It's hard, and he won't like it.
I tell nearly everyone that they will need the third party help of a doctor or good friend or spiritual leader - someone outside of the family that the person respects. It's easier for an adult to hear this message from someone other than their "kids." That's a general statement, of course, but is nearly always true.
Some people, because they have done everything else and still can't get an elder to quit driving even after they've been tested and shown they can't drive, have gone so far as to disable cars. It can get ugly.
If you have time, start discussing this with him. Go to The Hartford Web site and AARP. They both have good material on helping elders be safer drivers for as long as they can, and help with driving cessation. Good luck with this. Your kind heart shows through.
Carol see more
Question
My mom wants to move out of my house, but she isn't able to live alone. How can I get her to listen?
It doesn't sound like it's going to work to keep your mom with you long term. If it's any comfort, that is very common. You... It doesn't sound like it's going to work to keep your mom with you long term. If it's any comfort, that is very common. You love her very much, but she resents her lack of independence and is taking it out on you.
Of course, it's understandable that she resents what has happened, but you'll need to look for options. You can look on your state Web site under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program generally has some respite care available and is there in some version in each state. It's federally funded. They also have people who may be able to help you find the right living environment for your mom.
Good luck. This is a tough time. We all know it, so please keep coming back to chat. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Of course, it's understandable that she resents what has happened, but you'll need to look for options. You can look on your state Web site under aging services. The Family Caregiver Support Program generally has some respite care available and is there in some version in each state. It's federally funded. They also have people who may be able to help you find the right living environment for your mom.
Good luck. This is a tough time. We all know it, so please keep coming back to chat. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Is there any financial assistance to allow for someone to quit their job to take care of their Mom?
https://www.agingcare.com/135476
This article will give you some ideas.
Good luck. This is an often asked question, for very good reason. We deserve to be able to give the quality care we can, but if we can't put food on the table, how do we do it? The system needs to change. But that doesn't help you now. Good luck,
Carol see more