Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Do I need counseling or and I having a bad care of loneliness?
The general rule is that if the depressive symptoms (or the lonlies) last for more than two weeks you should see a professional. If you are... The general rule is that if the depressive symptoms (or the lonlies) last for more than two weeks you should see a professional. If you are a caregiver and are mainly wanting to talk with other caregivers, that is different. So, much depends on why you are feeling lonely.
I'm not sure about who "everyone" should be, but a counselor can bring in people who need to talk with you about your loneliness. Say, if you have siblings who have left it all to you, a counselor could talk with you all and maybe help balance things out.
Take care of yourself. That's a priority. Get counseling or find friends to talk this out with. Professional help - even a few sessions - can help a lot.
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I'm not sure about who "everyone" should be, but a counselor can bring in people who need to talk with you about your loneliness. Say, if you have siblings who have left it all to you, a counselor could talk with you all and maybe help balance things out.
Take care of yourself. That's a priority. Get counseling or find friends to talk this out with. Professional help - even a few sessions - can help a lot.
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Question
Any ideas about keeping a parent on medication?
This life change is not helping his depression. I can see why you are concerned. I'd encourage him to at least talk with a doctor about... This life change is not helping his depression. I can see why you are concerned. I'd encourage him to at least talk with a doctor about it. He must be fairly competent, as he knew to taper off the medications he was on. So, there's only so much you can do.
Try not to be heavy handed and he'll likely dig in his heels. However, if you can point out specific times when he seems most anxious and/or depressed, maybe you can eventually get him there.
Another idea is to get him in for a general physical and write the doctor a letter ahead of time, giving the history. Then, if the doctor brings it up, he may go with it.
Good luck. You are a caring person and this is hard to watch.
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Try not to be heavy handed and he'll likely dig in his heels. However, if you can point out specific times when he seems most anxious and/or depressed, maybe you can eventually get him there.
Another idea is to get him in for a general physical and write the doctor a letter ahead of time, giving the history. Then, if the doctor brings it up, he may go with it.
Good luck. You are a caring person and this is hard to watch.
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Question
Where can I find information on culture and medical treatment to educate a nurse who is treating a patient fro...
I'm assuming you mean a culture other than the one the nurse grew up in. I would use the Internet and your local phone book to look for... I'm assuming you mean a culture other than the one the nurse grew up in. I would use the Internet and your local phone book to look for groups who can help educate the nurse. There are many groups for this purpose. Type in "Hispanic culture" or "Bosnian culture" and see what you get. Play around with word combinations. Then, check your phone book. You could even call a local help line to see if they know of a non-profit group to help.
Congratulations for being sensitive to this issue.
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Congratulations for being sensitive to this issue.
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Question
What should I do about my mom who is in assisted living, but won't accept assistance?
This isn't unusual. She is in denial and doesn't want help, but obviously she needs some. Does she have a pastor, Rabbi, or a good... This isn't unusual. She is in denial and doesn't want help, but obviously she needs some. Does she have a pastor, Rabbi, or a good friend who can talk with her to convince her that she's in assisted living so she doesn't have to go through this alone. The whole point is that she needs to let them help – she’s already paying for it. She needs to get her money’s worth.
Often an elder won't accept help from their adult children, because they feel bossed around, but they will listen to a third part. Is there someone she trusts - even a good friend - who can smooth things out?
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Often an elder won't accept help from their adult children, because they feel bossed around, but they will listen to a third part. Is there someone she trusts - even a good friend - who can smooth things out?
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Question
Are there any products you wish you had as a caregiver that aren't already available?
There are so many good Web sites that have wonderful products, so the Web is a good place to start, even if you plan on shopping at your... There are so many good Web sites that have wonderful products, so the Web is a good place to start, even if you plan on shopping at your local medical supply store. You can get ideas about what is already available. Two good sites, though there are many others, are alzstore.com and independentliving.com.
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Question
Can we ask the nursing home staff to stop spoon feeding my mother-in-law when she's unresponsive?
I'm still amazed that a hospice doesn't have a better handle on this. My heart breaks for you and your mom.
Carol
Carol
Question
Why are my parents getting divorced at 83 years old and 57 years of marriage?
Excellent advice, Annlidiot!
Carol
Carol
Question
My Mother lives with us and we rejected her offer to pay for room and board. I was told today that we "could"...
Very good advice. An elder attorney is the way to go, as then you won't have problems down the road. Do it all legally. If not for us,... Very good advice. An elder attorney is the way to go, as then you won't have problems down the road. Do it all legally.
If not for us, our elders would be paying out a lot of money for care. If you are taking over care, likely you will not need to be paid as an agency would charge. It can be win/win for everyone. But it needs to be done by an attorney, especially with the new Medicaid laws.
Spending down to Medicaid is usually for nursing home purposes, and is not hard to do if the elder needs a lot of help. Once they are in a nursing home, all but very wealthy people will eventually "spend down," unless they have a very good long-term insurance policy.
It's expensive business, this caregiving. Most people would prefer a family member as a caregiver, and most family members can do the care cheaper than an agency. Of course, if the care of a nursing home is required, that changes the picture. You are still a caregiver, but you have help. They need you just as much, as you are the advocate and the person who reminds them that they are not abandoned. You are a great bunch of people.
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If not for us, our elders would be paying out a lot of money for care. If you are taking over care, likely you will not need to be paid as an agency would charge. It can be win/win for everyone. But it needs to be done by an attorney, especially with the new Medicaid laws.
Spending down to Medicaid is usually for nursing home purposes, and is not hard to do if the elder needs a lot of help. Once they are in a nursing home, all but very wealthy people will eventually "spend down," unless they have a very good long-term insurance policy.
It's expensive business, this caregiving. Most people would prefer a family member as a caregiver, and most family members can do the care cheaper than an agency. Of course, if the care of a nursing home is required, that changes the picture. You are still a caregiver, but you have help. They need you just as much, as you are the advocate and the person who reminds them that they are not abandoned. You are a great bunch of people.
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Question
Where can I find financial aid for my mother, who is almost out of money, so that she can remain where she is?
When she gets to about six months, I'd suggest talking to social services about getting her on Medicaid. It will depend on where she... When she gets to about six months, I'd suggest talking to social services about getting her on Medicaid. It will depend on where she lives now as to whether they will keep her there, but you'll have little choice by then. They will tell you how she can finish "spending down" to qualify for Medicaid. There's a lot of paperwork, but it's doable.
You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/133289
Take care,
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You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/133289
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What is the life span of a man 46 years old that just was diagnosed with sleep apnea?
Hi Marie, The idea of wearing one of those machines can't be pleasant for anyone! It sounds dreadful, but I guess they work and... Hi Marie,
The idea of wearing one of those machines can't be pleasant for anyone! It sounds dreadful, but I guess they work and it's better than the alternative. I'm glad you found a mask that is "okay."
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The idea of wearing one of those machines can't be pleasant for anyone! It sounds dreadful, but I guess they work and it's better than the alternative. I'm glad you found a mask that is "okay."
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Question
My family is not taking proper care of my mom, how do I get guardianship so I can take better care of her?
You are so good to want to help your mom under these difficult conditions. I would suggest you call your social services people and see if... You are so good to want to help your mom under these difficult conditions. I would suggest you call your social services people and see if they can find a way for you to get guardianship or something legal to keep your mom's money safe and keep her with you. You can't do this all alone. Her safety is an issue, too.
There are guardianship businesses in the phone book, but you need to be careful about who you get to make sure you understand the costs. That's why I would suggest getting social services involved for the family - so everyone gets care.
Please try to take care of yourself, too.
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There are guardianship businesses in the phone book, but you need to be careful about who you get to make sure you understand the costs. That's why I would suggest getting social services involved for the family - so everyone gets care.
Please try to take care of yourself, too.
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Question
What is the life span of a man 46 years old that just was diagnosed with sleep apnea?
That depends on whether he or she does something about the condition. Following doctors orders, which likely include the usage of a CPAP... That depends on whether he or she does something about the condition. Following doctors orders, which likely include the usage of a CPAP machine, should take care of the problem. If something isn't done, then heart disease and other problems could shorten the life span. As to how much, that would depend on other health risks.
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Question
How do I navigate through all of the Medicare HMO's to find the best policies, and where can I get a list of t...
On the front page of http://www.mymedicare.gov/ it says, "Begin the registration process." Click on that and register. You need... On the front page of http://www.mymedicare.gov/ it says, "Begin the registration process." Click on that and register. You need the Social Security number. Then, you will follow what they tell you to do. There should be a number to call if you have trouble, but there are long waits, so the more you can do on the Web the better. I know it's frustating, but there's no way around it.
If you have a friend who has been through the process, that would help. Otherwise, you may have to call you local Social Security office and see if you can get Medicare help.
Good luck. I know it's frustrating.
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If you have a friend who has been through the process, that would help. Otherwise, you may have to call you local Social Security office and see if you can get Medicare help.
Good luck. I know it's frustrating.
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Question
How do I navigate through all of the Medicare HMO's to find the best policies, and where can I get a list of t...
http://www.mymedicare.gov/ is probably your best source of information. They have improved it lately and they offer Medicare D drug plans,... http://www.mymedicare.gov/ is probably your best source of information. They have improved it lately and they offer Medicare D drug plans, etc. I'd go there and get the personal information entered so they can help you.
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Question
How do I get mom to eat after her stroke?
The UTI explains a lot. Infections in people with other health issues, and dementia on top of it, can cause confusion and certainly lack of... The UTI explains a lot. Infections in people with other health issues, and dementia on top of it, can cause confusion and certainly lack of appetite. I hope the antibiotics help her. This is quite common. Sometimes the UTI goes undetected for a long time because the person can't articulate what is wrong or may not even feel any symptoms, but the infection causes havoc with the body.
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Question
What is the protocol for getting additional home support services hours?
Much depends on who paid for her previous care. Most agencies aren't going to pay for a caregiver to wait, so unless she is private pay... Much depends on who paid for her previous care. Most agencies aren't going to pay for a caregiver to wait, so unless she is private pay and her time paid for, she will likely be assigned another patient, and your mom will have to hope she is free when your mom returns home.
Medicare will cover a given amount of days in the nursing home (it was 20, but that's a moving target) after a hospital stay. They will also pay for a certain amount of home care
after release from a hospital, but only nursing care, not custodial.
It seems that first you need to figure out who pays for the care she has had before and talk with them. If it's a government service, then ask what you do next.
Be aware that any advice given by the hospital or nursing home should be double checked with Medicare, as they may be assigning someone from their own agency to do custodial care and your mom will be stuck with the charge. They aren't always clear about the care and what is paid for, especially if they own the care agency that is doing the home care. Get specific and check with Medicare if you aren't clear on coverage.
You will likely have to hire in-home care at her expense, once the Medicare time runs out, unless she qualifies for some government service that she used before hand (Medicaid?).
Good luck. It's a lot of work to check all of these agencies, but if you don't want surprises you'll have to stay on top of it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Medicare will cover a given amount of days in the nursing home (it was 20, but that's a moving target) after a hospital stay. They will also pay for a certain amount of home care
after release from a hospital, but only nursing care, not custodial.
It seems that first you need to figure out who pays for the care she has had before and talk with them. If it's a government service, then ask what you do next.
Be aware that any advice given by the hospital or nursing home should be double checked with Medicare, as they may be assigning someone from their own agency to do custodial care and your mom will be stuck with the charge. They aren't always clear about the care and what is paid for, especially if they own the care agency that is doing the home care. Get specific and check with Medicare if you aren't clear on coverage.
You will likely have to hire in-home care at her expense, once the Medicare time runs out, unless she qualifies for some government service that she used before hand (Medicaid?).
Good luck. It's a lot of work to check all of these agencies, but if you don't want surprises you'll have to stay on top of it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I get mom to eat after her stroke?
Depression is a likely problem here. Your anxiety is understandable as you are used to her living with you and now you don't have that... Depression is a likely problem here. Your anxiety is understandable as you are used to her living with you and now you don't have that constant contact.
So much depends on the stage of each disease. Are other organs in her body shutting down so she doesn't want food? Or is she not eating because it's too difficult (likely) and food doesn't appeal to her?
Liquid nutritional supplements are often used during this stage. Also, puddings, jello and fruits are light and can sometimes be taken. Does she choke? She may be afraid to try eating if she chokes.
I would try to figure out what is behind her not wanting food, however in her case it is likely several things. Talking with her doctor and the dietician at the facility are good ideas. There may be ways to temp her and foods which work for her. Forcing her will only backfire. Everyone needs to encourage without forcing, and give her as much liquid as she'll take.
It's distressing when we want our loved ones to eat and they won't. Finding out why they won't eat is important. When someone is nagged too much it just upsets them and then they are less likely to want food.
Remember that hydration is the most important thing for her. If her situation qualifies for hospice care, you may want to look into that. A good hospice has great understanding of the stages of these diseases. If she is in an earlier stage of all the diseases than that, then working with a therapist and a dietician may help.
Take care,
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So much depends on the stage of each disease. Are other organs in her body shutting down so she doesn't want food? Or is she not eating because it's too difficult (likely) and food doesn't appeal to her?
Liquid nutritional supplements are often used during this stage. Also, puddings, jello and fruits are light and can sometimes be taken. Does she choke? She may be afraid to try eating if she chokes.
I would try to figure out what is behind her not wanting food, however in her case it is likely several things. Talking with her doctor and the dietician at the facility are good ideas. There may be ways to temp her and foods which work for her. Forcing her will only backfire. Everyone needs to encourage without forcing, and give her as much liquid as she'll take.
It's distressing when we want our loved ones to eat and they won't. Finding out why they won't eat is important. When someone is nagged too much it just upsets them and then they are less likely to want food.
Remember that hydration is the most important thing for her. If her situation qualifies for hospice care, you may want to look into that. A good hospice has great understanding of the stages of these diseases. If she is in an earlier stage of all the diseases than that, then working with a therapist and a dietician may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I am getting burnt out. Is it time for a nursing home??
As this forum shows so vividly, we all share many things, yet each situation is unique. This understanding of the uniqueness of each... As this forum shows so vividly, we all share many things, yet each situation is unique. This understanding of the uniqueness of each situation generally brings out the feeling from other caregivers that each person is doing his or her best, and won't be judged.
I think the ideal is to take steps along the way with elder care, but the path is not always that straight and sure. My dad's brain surgery took him from a normal man in his early seventies to a severely demented man - in one day. We tried taking him home, but a couple of days proved that this would not work for him. He entered a nursing home a couple of blocks from my home where we could be with him daily.
My uncle was able to go in "steps," starting out with in-home care. That worked until a third major stroke made his care at home impossible (or safe), and he and dad spent part of their time in the same nursing home.
Caregiving is daunting for many, if not most people. Many have been at it for years. Some have lost marriages over it. There are no easy answers. The options available now help, but no choice is right for everyone.
For me, the challenge before boomers is to make more and better options available. Build on what we have that is good, get rid of any care operators who don't measure up to high standards, and continue to press for culture change so that all elders are treated as individuals whether they live in their own homes with some help, with their adult children, in assisted living or nursing homes. Keep up the good work, folks. You are amazng.
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I think the ideal is to take steps along the way with elder care, but the path is not always that straight and sure. My dad's brain surgery took him from a normal man in his early seventies to a severely demented man - in one day. We tried taking him home, but a couple of days proved that this would not work for him. He entered a nursing home a couple of blocks from my home where we could be with him daily.
My uncle was able to go in "steps," starting out with in-home care. That worked until a third major stroke made his care at home impossible (or safe), and he and dad spent part of their time in the same nursing home.
Caregiving is daunting for many, if not most people. Many have been at it for years. Some have lost marriages over it. There are no easy answers. The options available now help, but no choice is right for everyone.
For me, the challenge before boomers is to make more and better options available. Build on what we have that is good, get rid of any care operators who don't measure up to high standards, and continue to press for culture change so that all elders are treated as individuals whether they live in their own homes with some help, with their adult children, in assisted living or nursing homes. Keep up the good work, folks. You are amazng.
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Question
I have to put my mother in a nursing home after being her caregiver for years. It breaks my heart. How do I...
KatsWhiskers, our hearts are with you. You've had to go through a lot. I hope social services can get this handled so you and your mum... KatsWhiskers, our hearts are with you. You've had to go through a lot. I hope social services can get this handled so you and your mum are safe. Please let us know how it goes.
Take care of yourself,
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Take care of yourself,
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How do I find a local senior exercise program for my senior mother?
You'd have to call the social services people in the area or a senior service organziation to see if they have a program to suit her.
Adult day care is a great alternative. She will fight that, as well, but once she goes, if it's a good one, they will get her interested in doing things. That's what she needs - a purpose. Many people call it "volunteering" or something so they don't feel so "old."
Good luck in finding something. You are right that she needs to get out. I know what it is to use up all of your vacation time for their doctor appointments. I did it. There's only so much you can do.
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