Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
I am getting burnt out. Is it time for a nursing home??
Wonderful words from AACE, cmarlein, Char6626 and SecretSister. We've all been in these painful shoes. AACE said you are not giving up... Wonderful words from AACE, cmarlein, Char6626 and SecretSister. We've all been in these painful shoes. AACE said you are not giving up your role and that's what you need to remember. The most important part of your role is still there - seeing to it that your mom gets the best care possible. With a nursing home you have help. You are still the anchor and the advocate. You will still provide special, loving care but won't be so exhausted by doing all of the care that your can't be yourself.
Please listen to these experts who have walked in your shoes (or are doing so now).
Carol see more
Please listen to these experts who have walked in your shoes (or are doing so now).
Carol see more
Question
I am getting burnt out. Is it time for a nursing home??
It's certainly time for outside help, and a nursing home could be the answer. What are the nursing homes like in your area? Have you... It's certainly time for outside help, and a nursing home could be the answer. What are the nursing homes like in your area? Have you toured them? I would take a good look, observe the residents and staff and ask to talk with family members of residents, if possible.
Your mother will be upset and angry at first, but she also may make friends and she could be much happier among peers. She's have access to more help. Any move like this takes adjustment time, but most people adjust once they realize this is their new home.
You can't keep this up alone and it could have serious implications for your marriage. You have done a lot for her. You will continue to be a caregiver and advocate, even if she is in a nursing home. But you will have help and also have some time to yourself. This is not too much to ask.
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Your mother will be upset and angry at first, but she also may make friends and she could be much happier among peers. She's have access to more help. Any move like this takes adjustment time, but most people adjust once they realize this is their new home.
You can't keep this up alone and it could have serious implications for your marriage. You have done a lot for her. You will continue to be a caregiver and advocate, even if she is in a nursing home. But you will have help and also have some time to yourself. This is not too much to ask.
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Question
Are feelings of impatience or frustration normal with caregiving?
Absolutely! You will find yourself grieving for yourself and also grieving for the elders. There's also fear, because on some level we... Absolutely! You will find yourself grieving for yourself and also grieving for the elders. There's also fear, because on some level we all know that this could be us one day. Watching the aging process can be scary.
Taken together, the frustrations you feel for the loss of some of your own independence (because of more people needing you), plus the grief you feel watching the decline of your elders, is enough to make anyone frustrated and impatient. You are very normal.
We'd all love to be so special we never had these negative feelings, but feelings are just feelings. There's nothing bad about them.
Try to take care of yourself the best you can, let yourself cry and complain to someone who will listen without judgment, and recognize how hard it is to watch your parents' decline.
Carol see more
Taken together, the frustrations you feel for the loss of some of your own independence (because of more people needing you), plus the grief you feel watching the decline of your elders, is enough to make anyone frustrated and impatient. You are very normal.
We'd all love to be so special we never had these negative feelings, but feelings are just feelings. There's nothing bad about them.
Try to take care of yourself the best you can, let yourself cry and complain to someone who will listen without judgment, and recognize how hard it is to watch your parents' decline.
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Question
Where can I go to get quotes on death and burial insurance benefits?
Interesting information, ezcare. Thank you. The idea of seeing an estate attorney for this is a good one, anyway. It's always better to... Interesting information, ezcare. Thank you. The idea of seeing an estate attorney for this is a good one, anyway. It's always better to be safe.
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Question
Where can I go to get quotes on death and burial insurance benefits?
Are you thinking of prepaid funeral expenses? If so, you can go through a funeral home in your area. One thing to ask about, however, is... Are you thinking of prepaid funeral expenses? If so, you can go through a funeral home in your area. One thing to ask about, however, is who is in charge of that money. In North Dakota, the money is protected so if the funeral home goes out of business or you change your mind about the place, the money follows you. Not all states do this. You don't want to go through a home that "owns" the money. Ask a lot of questions.
If you are looking for some sort of insurance, like life insurance, you can go through a group like AARP. They have term insurance for a reasonable rate where you could get just enough to cover a funeral. You can check their site and get information.
Carol see more
If you are looking for some sort of insurance, like life insurance, you can go through a group like AARP. They have term insurance for a reasonable rate where you could get just enough to cover a funeral. You can check their site and get information.
Carol see more
Question
Is it a normal action when someone has AD to remember thing sometimes and not at other times?
Definitely. People with dementia who haven't recognized someone for years can suddenly know them, then lose it again. There is no... Definitely. People with dementia who haven't recognized someone for years can suddenly know them, then lose it again. There is no straight line.
Hang in and keep checking back. We all need each other.
Carol see more
Hang in and keep checking back. We all need each other.
Carol see more
Question
My mother with early Alzheimer's just received her Medicaid waiver and moved into a wonderful assisted living...
We kept my mother in a private room through private pay (this was a nursing home, since she needed that type of care) for over 7 years.... We kept my mother in a private room through private pay (this was a nursing home, since she needed that type of care) for over 7 years. When it looked like, frail as she was, she would outlive her money, I went to social services to discuss Medicaid.
I wished I’d done it sooner. I found out we could put so much aside into her account each month determined by what she paid the nursing home in private pay, as she “spent down” to qualify for Medicaid. Then, the few months she was on Medicaid, we were able to draw from that money to pay the difference between the private and shared room, thus keeping her private room. This was before the law changed so many things about Medicaid two years ago, so that may not be something that can be done now. It also could depend on the state, and whether it's a nursing home or assisted living, but it's worth checking into.
Carol see more
I wished I’d done it sooner. I found out we could put so much aside into her account each month determined by what she paid the nursing home in private pay, as she “spent down” to qualify for Medicaid. Then, the few months she was on Medicaid, we were able to draw from that money to pay the difference between the private and shared room, thus keeping her private room. This was before the law changed so many things about Medicaid two years ago, so that may not be something that can be done now. It also could depend on the state, and whether it's a nursing home or assisted living, but it's worth checking into.
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Question
My mother with early Alzheimer's just received her Medicaid waiver and moved into a wonderful assisted living...
You'll have to check with Medicaid to see just what they cover. These waivers are done by the states, so they may not all be the same.... You'll have to check with Medicaid to see just what they cover. These waivers are done by the states, so they may not all be the same. Congratulations on her getting a nice place. I hope it all goes well. Whoever manages her money will need to know just what Medicaid expects, so a talk with the office is in order.
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Question
What if We are Creating in our Elders, the Crazy Behavior We Write About?
I've reviewed many books by different professionals and some are truly wonderful. None will appeal to everyone but Dr. Woodson's is... I've reviewed many books by different professionals and some are truly wonderful. None will appeal to everyone but Dr. Woodson's is good. As to what makes an expert, I think experience does. A professional needs the practical education. When we are lucky, we meet with someone who has both, and recognizes both sides of themselves. These people are rare.
I think doctors are finally becoming aware that caregivers aren't just a pain in the neck, getting in their way while they want to quickly do their jobs. Many seem to be catching on to the fact that the caregiver should be part of the team, but not all are there yet.
There's another book that I reviewed that was excellent – this one by a male doctor/caregiver. He tells much of his life growing up so it is very revealing as to his "blind spots" as a son and the struggle of being both son and doctor to his parents. He is the kind of doctor we all wish our elders had, compassionate and understanding of the elders’ issues. He recognizes openly that as a son, everything was much harder and decisions were much less clear.
The book is "Memory Lessons: A doctor's story" by Jerald Winakur.
I like your inquiring and open mind.
Carol see more
I think doctors are finally becoming aware that caregivers aren't just a pain in the neck, getting in their way while they want to quickly do their jobs. Many seem to be catching on to the fact that the caregiver should be part of the team, but not all are there yet.
There's another book that I reviewed that was excellent – this one by a male doctor/caregiver. He tells much of his life growing up so it is very revealing as to his "blind spots" as a son and the struggle of being both son and doctor to his parents. He is the kind of doctor we all wish our elders had, compassionate and understanding of the elders’ issues. He recognizes openly that as a son, everything was much harder and decisions were much less clear.
The book is "Memory Lessons: A doctor's story" by Jerald Winakur.
I like your inquiring and open mind.
Carol see more
Question
What if We are Creating in our Elders, the Crazy Behavior We Write About?
You hit the nail on the head. Every group of professionals I've spoken to have said something to the effect that "it's so... You hit the nail on the head. Every group of professionals I've spoken to have said something to the effect that "it's so different with my own father/mother." They have their side as a doctor, social worker, nurse or administrator and they are very good at what they do. But when faced with their own family, the family dynamics are going to be part of it, and even they can't get around that.
It's nearly always good to get advice from people schooled in these areas. It can be very valuable. However, I've heard any number say that they are humbled and changed once they have been in the position of a family caregiver themselves. And they approach it with a ton of education.
So, beyond - you fit right in : ) Sigh. We are all human. see more
It's nearly always good to get advice from people schooled in these areas. It can be very valuable. However, I've heard any number say that they are humbled and changed once they have been in the position of a family caregiver themselves. And they approach it with a ton of education.
So, beyond - you fit right in : ) Sigh. We are all human. see more
Question
What if We are Creating in our Elders, the Crazy Behavior We Write About?
You've got a good point, Annlidiot. I’d like to expand on it, given the restrictions of such a format as this. There are so many ... You've got a good point, Annlidiot. I’d like to expand on it, given the restrictions of such a format as this.
There are so many opinions on this subject that, taken as whole, there seems to be a good mix. A lot can be learned from a geriatric psychologist or any professional, yet the wisest I've man of the profession I've ever known said to me, "We (professionals) diagnose and we advise, and then we turn them (in this case the people diagnosed with dementia) over to you (the caregivers).
I don't think he was diminishing the role his profession plays (he died of cancer in his late 40s. His death deprived our area of one of the finest and most compassionate people to care for those with dementia, and their families). He just liked to make the point that caregivers must deal with day to day challenges, dragging along family baggage as they try to cope with their parents' illness. To him, the caregivers were heroes.
Dr. Cheryl Woodson, a geriatrician. and a daughter/caregiver wrote a wonderful book titled, "To Survive Caregivng." Her no-nonsense advice and her insight into the tug-of-war between her "professional side" and her "daughter side" makes this a very valuable book (available on Amazon). During her caregiving years, her two sides didn’t always agree though she respected both of her roles.
It would be nice to have the input here of a psychologist, but I doubt many would venture to say which incident described was a result of what action, since they couldn't know, from these brief discussions, the unbiased family dynamics.
So, the lively discussion goes on, based on each person's experience and very biased opinion. I think people will always pick and choose that which makes sense to them. And they certainly won’t agree. But talking it out seems to be beneficial. In the end, if the problems are severe, people should seek private, professional help.
Who knows? Maybe a brave geriatric psychologist will hop on this discussion. It certainly would be fun to read. see more
There are so many opinions on this subject that, taken as whole, there seems to be a good mix. A lot can be learned from a geriatric psychologist or any professional, yet the wisest I've man of the profession I've ever known said to me, "We (professionals) diagnose and we advise, and then we turn them (in this case the people diagnosed with dementia) over to you (the caregivers).
I don't think he was diminishing the role his profession plays (he died of cancer in his late 40s. His death deprived our area of one of the finest and most compassionate people to care for those with dementia, and their families). He just liked to make the point that caregivers must deal with day to day challenges, dragging along family baggage as they try to cope with their parents' illness. To him, the caregivers were heroes.
Dr. Cheryl Woodson, a geriatrician. and a daughter/caregiver wrote a wonderful book titled, "To Survive Caregivng." Her no-nonsense advice and her insight into the tug-of-war between her "professional side" and her "daughter side" makes this a very valuable book (available on Amazon). During her caregiving years, her two sides didn’t always agree though she respected both of her roles.
It would be nice to have the input here of a psychologist, but I doubt many would venture to say which incident described was a result of what action, since they couldn't know, from these brief discussions, the unbiased family dynamics.
So, the lively discussion goes on, based on each person's experience and very biased opinion. I think people will always pick and choose that which makes sense to them. And they certainly won’t agree. But talking it out seems to be beneficial. In the end, if the problems are severe, people should seek private, professional help.
Who knows? Maybe a brave geriatric psychologist will hop on this discussion. It certainly would be fun to read. see more
Question
Do you charge "rent" for caring for an elderly parent?
There are many cases when parents would be paying for in-home care which would come to much more than they are paying for care from a... There are many cases when parents would be paying for in-home care which would come to much more than they are paying for care from a family member who has given up work to provide the care.
The elders get the loving care of an adult child for much less money than they would pay for in-home care or other services which would be needed, should they stay in their own home. Or, if the adult child gives up a job, or works less, so he or she can provide care to the parent in the home, then why wouldn't the parent want to pay that person rather than an agency?
Obviously, this doesn't mean that an impoverished elder wouldn't be cared for. But caring for an elder is nothing like caring for a baby and they shouldn't be treated like they are babies. They generally have some Social Security and some have significant financial resources. The money should be spent on their care.
If it will go to an agency unless the family provides care, why shouldn't at least some of it go to the adult child who gives up work and time to provide that care? Everyone wins. . In my opinion, it's certainly not wrong to work out an agreement for the good of all.
Carol see more
The elders get the loving care of an adult child for much less money than they would pay for in-home care or other services which would be needed, should they stay in their own home. Or, if the adult child gives up a job, or works less, so he or she can provide care to the parent in the home, then why wouldn't the parent want to pay that person rather than an agency?
Obviously, this doesn't mean that an impoverished elder wouldn't be cared for. But caring for an elder is nothing like caring for a baby and they shouldn't be treated like they are babies. They generally have some Social Security and some have significant financial resources. The money should be spent on their care.
If it will go to an agency unless the family provides care, why shouldn't at least some of it go to the adult child who gives up work and time to provide that care? Everyone wins. . In my opinion, it's certainly not wrong to work out an agreement for the good of all.
Carol see more
Question
Do you charge "rent" for caring for an elderly parent?
Much depends on the parent's circumstance. If the parent would need care anyway and you can provide a home and care, there's no... Much depends on the parent's circumstance. If the parent would need care anyway and you can provide a home and care, there's no reason why a financial arrangement shouldn't be worked out. You should get it down in writing so there are no questions later if she needs to go on Medicaid. I'd go so far as to say an estate attorney may be a good idea, especially is she is getting frail or has limited income and may need Medicaid soon. Work it out legally, and you'll have less to worry about on the other end. But certainly, she would have to pay to live somewhere, and unless you have unlimited resources, some sort of compatible deal could work out for both of you.
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Question
Does anyone have advice on safety for bathing and showering seniors who are frail or do not have the strength...
These are all good ideas. One thing I would add is making sure the air temperature is warm enough and don't startle the person with... These are all good ideas. One thing I would add is making sure the air temperature is warm enough and don't startle the person with quick changes or movements. Mention what you are going to do, softly (or with humor if that is the right approach for this particular person), before following through with the motion.
When someone is vulnerable, extra attention needs to be paid to making them feel safe. It's so easy to just want to get the job done. Most of us have done that. I know I have.
Knowing the personality of the person we are helping makes it easier. Thanks for all the wonderful tips.
Carol see more
When someone is vulnerable, extra attention needs to be paid to making them feel safe. It's so easy to just want to get the job done. Most of us have done that. I know I have.
Knowing the personality of the person we are helping makes it easier. Thanks for all the wonderful tips.
Carol see more
Question
My husband is a quadriplegic and we can't find a home health agency that is willing to care for him. What can...
It's wonderful to see you all helping each other on this thread. It's helping the rest of us who have not had to handle this... It's wonderful to see you all helping each other on this thread. It's helping the rest of us who have not had to handle this particular issue. Each experience, passed on, lightens the load just a little for others. Thank you all for your coursage.
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Question
Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?
Msdiva, you aren't alone. It's a horrible thing for your siblings to do, but it often comes from guilt. They didn't do the... Msdiva, you aren't alone. It's a horrible thing for your siblings to do, but it often comes from guilt. They didn't do the right thing, so they look to see if they can prove you did something wrong, even though you gave up work and most of your life to do the caregiving. I hear this so often I can hardly believe it, but I know it to be true. I'm glad you came out okay and I hope you can get on with a better life. You certainly deserve to.
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Question
My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
Nauseated, you have helped many, many people. There will always be different takes on things, since people don't know all the details.... Nauseated, you have helped many, many people. There will always be different takes on things, since people don't know all the details. Also, people who haven't lived it often don't "get" it.
Everyone views things from their own perspective based on their own history of events. I like to see the discussions on here offer lots of views. I don't like to see judgment, but it will happen. Most often people word things badly and it sounds worse than they mean it. But, either way, opinions are what make a discussion.
You'll never really know how much your courage helped other people, but I know your sharing it did. I'm so thrilled you had such a sweet ending with your dad. That really shows that, through all of your agony, you did what was right for him. Your note made me smile.
Carol see more
Everyone views things from their own perspective based on their own history of events. I like to see the discussions on here offer lots of views. I don't like to see judgment, but it will happen. Most often people word things badly and it sounds worse than they mean it. But, either way, opinions are what make a discussion.
You'll never really know how much your courage helped other people, but I know your sharing it did. I'm so thrilled you had such a sweet ending with your dad. That really shows that, through all of your agony, you did what was right for him. Your note made me smile.
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Question
My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
I agree, Naus. Your situation left you with no choice. No one can say what another should do, since every case if different. Your case was... I agree, Naus. Your situation left you with no choice. No one can say what another should do, since every case if different. Your case was especailly difficult and you showed great courage in what you did. Not everyone would have fought so hard for a parent.
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Question
My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
All good advice, Patricia.
Carol
Carol
I have to put my mother in a nursing home after being her caregiver for years. It breaks my heart. How do I...
Her pets are a tricky issue. Most nursing homes allow pet visitors. That said, sometimes cold turkey is better than weaning. You'll have to be the judge of that. If you think bringing the pets up to visit is a good idea, try it. Otherwise, it may be best just to comfort her and help her move on.
Don't let her see that she is succeeding with the guilt trips. That will just encourage more. If she finds that doesn't work, she may work harder at adjusting. Try to get her involved with activities she enjoys, help her meet people and let her know you are her advocate on all levels.
This is hard, I know. Many of us have been down this road. But diabetics can be a high risk if their disease is not well managed, and as they age, nursing homes are sometimes the only option. I hope you have good homes in your area. That makes all the difference.
Take care,
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