Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
Sometimes, when dementia is present, "tricks" such as Nauseated was forced to use are the only safe thing to do for the elder. If... Sometimes, when dementia is present, "tricks" such as Nauseated was forced to use are the only safe thing to do for the elder. If they are in danger and have no one but perhaps social services in their area to watch over them, family can be forced to make some decisions such as moving them to a new enviroment. The idea that someone with dementia is all alone in a city with no caring person to watch over him or her is frightening.
Of course, if there is no dementia, that is different. I totally agree that elders have a right to make decisions, even if we don't think they are doing what is best for them, but dementia can change the picture very much.
Carol
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Of course, if there is no dementia, that is different. I totally agree that elders have a right to make decisions, even if we don't think they are doing what is best for them, but dementia can change the picture very much.
Carol
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Question
My 88 y/o mother-in-law lives alone. Has High BP, diabetes, dementia. I can't get her to move and she won't ea...
As to whether social services involvement is a good thing, that usually depends on how much the adult children want to be involved. Most of... As to whether social services involvement is a good thing, that usually depends on how much the adult children want to be involved. Most of us don't want to turn the right to do what we feel best over to an agency, but there are times when there isn't much choice.
I liked your ending very much Lois! You also made some very good points. With so many issues, state laws vary.
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I liked your ending very much Lois! You also made some very good points. With so many issues, state laws vary.
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Question
What if We are Creating in our Elders, the Crazy Behavior We Write About?
Great insight, Austin, as always. Yes, it's very different when you care for a parent than when you care for a spouse. Your... Great insight, Austin, as always. Yes, it's very different when you care for a parent than when you care for a spouse. Your relationship has always been a different one, and that doesn't change when you become a caregiver. You bring different "baggage," as well.
Thanks for the response,
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Thanks for the response,
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Question
What if We are Creating in our Elders, the Crazy Behavior We Write About?
This has turned into a marvelous discussion! We all must try hard not to treat our parents like children. I believe that deeply, and I... This has turned into a marvelous discussion!
We all must try hard not to treat our parents like children. I believe that deeply, and I feel many elders act out when they feel they are treated that way. That's why I don't like terms like "parenting our parents," even though it often seems like that is what we do. This “self-talk” can send us into “crazy making behavior.” So, it’s good that was brought up.
But - and many of you have made this wonderfully clear - many people were raised by abusive, addicted parents, and this has made the complicated caregiving relationship even harder. All caregivers who are doing what they feel is best for their care receivers are heroes, but to me, those of you who are doing the best you can with such difficult backgrounds are amazing beyond belief. Many people, under those circumstances, can't do it all and have to turn their parents over to a court appointed guardian. That is okay, too. If they can't handle it, it's understandable.
But you who are doing what you are under such difficult conditions are exceptional. You won't be perfect, as none of us do this perfectly. But you are something special.
When I think back on all seven of my elders, there are many things I'd do better. But there are many things I'd do better if I could go back as a mother. Yet, for everyone I've cared for - elders and children - I did the best I could at the time. That's what you all are doing. You are doing the best you can with the circumstances you’ve been given.
Hugs to you all. I'm honored to "know" you.
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We all must try hard not to treat our parents like children. I believe that deeply, and I feel many elders act out when they feel they are treated that way. That's why I don't like terms like "parenting our parents," even though it often seems like that is what we do. This “self-talk” can send us into “crazy making behavior.” So, it’s good that was brought up.
But - and many of you have made this wonderfully clear - many people were raised by abusive, addicted parents, and this has made the complicated caregiving relationship even harder. All caregivers who are doing what they feel is best for their care receivers are heroes, but to me, those of you who are doing the best you can with such difficult backgrounds are amazing beyond belief. Many people, under those circumstances, can't do it all and have to turn their parents over to a court appointed guardian. That is okay, too. If they can't handle it, it's understandable.
But you who are doing what you are under such difficult conditions are exceptional. You won't be perfect, as none of us do this perfectly. But you are something special.
When I think back on all seven of my elders, there are many things I'd do better. But there are many things I'd do better if I could go back as a mother. Yet, for everyone I've cared for - elders and children - I did the best I could at the time. That's what you all are doing. You are doing the best you can with the circumstances you’ve been given.
Hugs to you all. I'm honored to "know" you.
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Question
How does one handle a Alzheimer patient who displays violent behavior?
I knew a woman who waited until the man knocked her across the room (she was about five feet tall) before she "gave up."... I knew a woman who waited until the man knocked her across the room (she was about five feet tall) before she "gave up." There's a point, no matter how much you love a person, where help is needed. In this case, the family needs to know and I'd think you should look out for your own safety.
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Question
My 72-year-old mother has dementia and has made a sudden turn for the worst and we don’t know what to do with...
If your sister has trouble getting her to a doctor for the issues you mentioned, she could try getting her there for something else, like... If your sister has trouble getting her to a doctor for the issues you mentioned, she could try getting her there for something else, like her blood pressure or something she'll accept.
Then, she or you could write the doctor ahead of time and let the doctor know what is going on. Perhaps with help from a medical person you and your sister can get her into assisted living.
Nearly all elders fight AL, but when the center is good, a huge percentage love it once the adjustment is made. Depression and loneliness can make elders paranoid and delusional. Having people around can make a lot of difference in this case.
I hope your sister can get some medical support. Also, maybe your mother has a good friend who sees the changes. Sometimes people will listen to someone outside of the family rather than their adult children.
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Then, she or you could write the doctor ahead of time and let the doctor know what is going on. Perhaps with help from a medical person you and your sister can get her into assisted living.
Nearly all elders fight AL, but when the center is good, a huge percentage love it once the adjustment is made. Depression and loneliness can make elders paranoid and delusional. Having people around can make a lot of difference in this case.
I hope your sister can get some medical support. Also, maybe your mother has a good friend who sees the changes. Sometimes people will listen to someone outside of the family rather than their adult children.
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Question
Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?
Great responses, here for a great group! If your parents can afford it why not pay you? You are charging less for better care than any... Great responses, here for a great group!
If your parents can afford it why not pay you? You are charging less for better care than any other option. Often people give up jobs to stay home and care for their parents. I agree this sounds like an inheritance issue for the other sibling. I'm glad it's in writing and notorized. That was very wise.
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If your parents can afford it why not pay you? You are charging less for better care than any other option. Often people give up jobs to stay home and care for their parents. I agree this sounds like an inheritance issue for the other sibling. I'm glad it's in writing and notorized. That was very wise.
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Question
My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
These are some good answers. If you can't get him to move, you may have to start by trying in-home care for him where he lives. It will... These are some good answers. If you can't get him to move, you may have to start by trying in-home care for him where he lives. It will be trial and error. If he has a close friend or pastor who can convince him that changes need to be made, that will help.
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Question
My 88 y/o mother-in-law lives alone. Has High BP, diabetes, dementia. I can't get her to move and she won't ea...
If she is in bad enough shape and refuses help from you, you may have to call social services. They can do a welfare check on her. Having a... If she is in bad enough shape and refuses help from you, you may have to call social services. They can do a welfare check on her. Having a third party in on these things generally helps a lot.
As to how responsible you are, that depends on the relationship you have. I don't believe you are legally responsible, but I'm sure you'd like to see her in a safer environment. Social services is a good option. They will have suggestions for help in your area, as well.
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As to how responsible you are, that depends on the relationship you have. I don't believe you are legally responsible, but I'm sure you'd like to see her in a safer environment. Social services is a good option. They will have suggestions for help in your area, as well.
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Question
How does one handle a Alzheimer patient who displays violent behavior?
If he won't get help, you could be in danger. It's good of you to care about what happens to him, but you must consider your... If he won't get help, you could be in danger. It's good of you to care about what happens to him, but you must consider your safety, here.
You don't have spousal responsibilities or rights. You can encourage him to get evaluated because there are medications that can help early stages of some dementias and also you could tell him that his behavior could be caused by medication interactions, an infection in his system or something else that is not irreversible dementia. Either way, a doctor's diagnosis is essential if he is to improve at all.
If he won't get help, then you need to consider yourself. I hope you do. It doesn't mean you don't care. You can still encourage him, if it's safe for you to do so.
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You don't have spousal responsibilities or rights. You can encourage him to get evaluated because there are medications that can help early stages of some dementias and also you could tell him that his behavior could be caused by medication interactions, an infection in his system or something else that is not irreversible dementia. Either way, a doctor's diagnosis is essential if he is to improve at all.
If he won't get help, then you need to consider yourself. I hope you do. It doesn't mean you don't care. You can still encourage him, if it's safe for you to do so.
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Question
What is the correct way to use a gait belt, by the state regulations?
Great information. I think a physical therapist or someone trained needs to show you, as just telling someone is not likely to work. These... Great information. I think a physical therapist or someone trained needs to show you, as just telling someone is not likely to work.
These references are wonderful. Thanks!
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These references are wonderful. Thanks!
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Question
What could be causing my elderly mother to experience visions at night?
It doesn't necessarily have to be sundowning, but yes, seeing other people and paranoia is common with dementia. Depending on the... It doesn't necessarily have to be sundowning, but yes, seeing other people and paranoia is common with dementia. Depending on the stage, if it's Alzheimer's, people often get so they think a stranger is in the house if they see themselves in a mirror as they don't recognize their own image.
If you haven't talked with a doctor about medication, you probably should, as some people can be helped. However, don't expect this to just disappear. It will be worse some days than others, and in your case it seems to be worse at night, which may be part of sundowning.
I'd suggest a doctor visit to see if anything can help with the anxiety.
Take care,
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If you haven't talked with a doctor about medication, you probably should, as some people can be helped. However, don't expect this to just disappear. It will be worse some days than others, and in your case it seems to be worse at night, which may be part of sundowning.
I'd suggest a doctor visit to see if anything can help with the anxiety.
Take care,
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Question
I'm falling apart - should I relocate? How can I get help?
BJ, you've gotten some good support here. You may have to consider having a court set up a guardianship for your mother. You are one of... BJ, you've gotten some good support here. You may have to consider having a court set up a guardianship for your mother. You are one of many people who are in a position like this, and you've already done more than many people would have done.
A court can set up a guardianship for your mother to take the load off of you. It's not a fun process, but you shouldn't have to carry all of this with what you've had to handle. Also, you should have to give up a good job and move to a place you hate and where you may not even find work.
Please get counseling for yourself. You deserve to have some healing in your life. There are ways your mother can be cared for without you giving your life up to do it. Guardianship is one way. The social services people where she lives should be able to guide you, if you go that way.
You aren't getting help from your brother, and likely won't. That makes it even more essential you get third party help with her care so it doesn't all fall to you. Social Services may be able to suggest other options in the area where your mother lives. Please look into this. You can’t do this alone.
Please write back and tell us how you are doing,
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A court can set up a guardianship for your mother to take the load off of you. It's not a fun process, but you shouldn't have to carry all of this with what you've had to handle. Also, you should have to give up a good job and move to a place you hate and where you may not even find work.
Please get counseling for yourself. You deserve to have some healing in your life. There are ways your mother can be cared for without you giving your life up to do it. Guardianship is one way. The social services people where she lives should be able to guide you, if you go that way.
You aren't getting help from your brother, and likely won't. That makes it even more essential you get third party help with her care so it doesn't all fall to you. Social Services may be able to suggest other options in the area where your mother lives. Please look into this. You can’t do this alone.
Please write back and tell us how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
My husband has dementia and is very insecure behind the wheel. He went to the DMV and asked them to test his d...
These are excellent posts. One thing to do is approach the elder armed with options. We have a senor van that goes the grocery stores, as... These are excellent posts. One thing to do is approach the elder armed with options. We have a senor van that goes the grocery stores, as well as many social events. There are cabs and even busses. The elder rightly sees a huge sense of independence being taken away, even if they rarely drive. They want to be able to just in case! But sometimes it has to be done.
If they are not able to safely drive, they must be stopped. Many people have had to take batteries out of cars or get the steering wheels locked. Determined elders can be tricky.
Some clinics have programs where people are screened mentally, examined physically and then taken out to drive under conditions where they likely would want to drive. If they are from a surrounding small town and only want to drive there, the instructor has them drive in an unfamiliar, but similar area. If they want to drive in the metro area, they must take the test in traffic. The passing or failure of this stringent exam is often a help to families who much go through this gut-wrenching transition of taking away the keys.
The Hartford (go to their site at www.thehartford.com and so some digging) has some good brochures and they may help the elders see the light.
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If they are not able to safely drive, they must be stopped. Many people have had to take batteries out of cars or get the steering wheels locked. Determined elders can be tricky.
Some clinics have programs where people are screened mentally, examined physically and then taken out to drive under conditions where they likely would want to drive. If they are from a surrounding small town and only want to drive there, the instructor has them drive in an unfamiliar, but similar area. If they want to drive in the metro area, they must take the test in traffic. The passing or failure of this stringent exam is often a help to families who much go through this gut-wrenching transition of taking away the keys.
The Hartford (go to their site at www.thehartford.com and so some digging) has some good brochures and they may help the elders see the light.
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Question
Is there anything that can be done to ease my mom from getting upset each week she moves from my home to my br...
I think she'll feel less disturbed if she's not moving all the time. This sounds like a good option, and if you and hopefully your... I think she'll feel less disturbed if she's not moving all the time. This sounds like a good option, and if you and hopefully your brother visit regularly, she will be stable and that is good. Individual rooms are great, especially when the person has dementia. Any change and very much activity can be very agitating. Not having to worry about a room mate is great. Keep us posted.
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Question
How do I tell her she has dementia?
If she refused the MRI and other diagnostic tests, she is indeed giving you trouble. Does this doctor have enough feeling that dementia is... If she refused the MRI and other diagnostic tests, she is indeed giving you trouble. Does this doctor have enough feeling that dementia is present to prescribe some of the current drugs used to slow decline? If she goes for, say, a blood pressure checkup, and her doctor just prescribes the Rx, would it be possible to give tell her she is getting it as protection against vascular dementia or something? I'm just fishing for what she may accept as preferable to doing nothing. I’m thinking that by approaching it as “preemptive,” she may be more willing to do something.
It sounds like she has the same feeling about dementia that many people have about mental illness, and she'd rather live in denial. She likely doesn't understand that while there is no cure, there are drugs that do help a lot of people slow memory loss.
If the doctor can dance around the wording just a bit, your mother may be more accepting of taking a prescription. Your situation isn't all that unusual, unfortunately. Denial is very convenient when we don't want to look at the truth.
I'd talk with her doctor again and see if there is some way to try medications that could help her. Otherwise, the decline will just continue (but likely faster). Either way, you will need to start planning for her future with dementia.
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It sounds like she has the same feeling about dementia that many people have about mental illness, and she'd rather live in denial. She likely doesn't understand that while there is no cure, there are drugs that do help a lot of people slow memory loss.
If the doctor can dance around the wording just a bit, your mother may be more accepting of taking a prescription. Your situation isn't all that unusual, unfortunately. Denial is very convenient when we don't want to look at the truth.
I'd talk with her doctor again and see if there is some way to try medications that could help her. Otherwise, the decline will just continue (but likely faster). Either way, you will need to start planning for her future with dementia.
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Question
Is there anything that can be done to ease my mom from getting upset each week she moves from my home to my br...
Your loving care needs to be shared, but shuttling her is hard on her too. This is a tough decision and only your family can decide what is... Your loving care needs to be shared, but shuttling her is hard on her too. This is a tough decision and only your family can decide what is best for her. If you have a very good nursing home or a home set up for the care of a few elders (one you've checked out well), and the families take turns visiting her while she stays in one place, it could be better. She likely gets confused every time she moves.
Many people with dementia can't even go to another home for a holiday meal, as it's too agitating. If she's upset with the moves, she may feel she has no home.
If you are not in an area where there is a warm and caring home for her where she can stay in one place and you and your brother can be the ones to do the traveling, the best things are to keep as many duplicates of her things as possible around her and all of you meet together as much as possible so she doesn't feel she is being "dropped off."
You are in a tough decision phase here. I hope you can find a solution that makes her more comfortable.
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Many people with dementia can't even go to another home for a holiday meal, as it's too agitating. If she's upset with the moves, she may feel she has no home.
If you are not in an area where there is a warm and caring home for her where she can stay in one place and you and your brother can be the ones to do the traveling, the best things are to keep as many duplicates of her things as possible around her and all of you meet together as much as possible so she doesn't feel she is being "dropped off."
You are in a tough decision phase here. I hope you can find a solution that makes her more comfortable.
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Question
If I can't get mom to eat, what are the legal implications of letting her starve herself?
Great post 1215. There are so many misconceptions about hospice care and most people wait way too long to get it. The chief complaint from... Great post 1215. There are so many misconceptions about hospice care and most people wait way too long to get it. The chief complaint from patients families is that they wished they'd called sooner. Hospice improved the quality of life for my parents immensely. I hate to think about the pain they would have had to endure at the end of their lives without hospice care.
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Question
How do I get my parents to accept other caregivers?
Everyone has something to add. That's what makes this such a great site. Slow and easy, consider cultural differences, talk to the... Everyone has something to add. That's what makes this such a great site. Slow and easy, consider cultural differences, talk to the doctor. It's all valid. Thanks, folks, for all of your wonderful insights.
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My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He lives far away with no family nearby. How do I talk him into mo...
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