Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I get my parents to accept other caregivers?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-elders-don-t-accept-outside-caregivers-in-the-home-135237.htm
Carol
Carol
Question
Can we ask the nursing home staff to stop spoon feeding my mother-in-law when she's unresponsive?
How can this give her comfort? I'm surprised she is swallowing without problems. It seems what is bothering you is that this seems... How can this give her comfort? I'm surprised she is swallowing without problems. It seems what is bothering you is that this seems against what she wanted. Did she have a living will or health directive in writing?
I'm surprise that hospice is supporting this, since she is near death. My mother absolutely didn't want food when she was in a similar situation. Her organs were shutting down and food made her gag. She was dying and she died very peacefully under the care of Hospice of the Red River Valley.
By the way, the home should be turning her very often, as she is so thin, and sores will be forming quickly. They turned my parents very often during their last days, to prevent sores. The nursing home and hospice worked together seemlessly.
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I'm surprise that hospice is supporting this, since she is near death. My mother absolutely didn't want food when she was in a similar situation. Her organs were shutting down and food made her gag. She was dying and she died very peacefully under the care of Hospice of the Red River Valley.
By the way, the home should be turning her very often, as she is so thin, and sores will be forming quickly. They turned my parents very often during their last days, to prevent sores. The nursing home and hospice worked together seemlessly.
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Question
How do I find a local support group?
There are tons of good books out there. If you want a classic, there's the "36-Hour Day." I can't neglect to suggest my... There are tons of good books out there. If you want a classic, there's the "36-Hour Day." I can't neglect to suggest my own book of caregiver's stories, "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories." Jacqueline Marcell's "Elder Rage" is a good one for someone who has a care receiver with Alzheimer's. If you go on Amazon, you'll find all of these and many more.
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Question
How do I get my parents to accept other caregivers?
It's hard and you will get resistance. You may want to read this article: ... It's hard and you will get resistance. You may want to read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-elders-don-t-accept-outside-caregivers-in-the-home-135237.htm
They'd much rather have you all the time, but you can't do it all, and they need to learn to accept help in some form. Caregivers often get sick and/or die before the people they are caring for.
Take care of yourself, too.
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/when-elders-don-t-accept-outside-caregivers-in-the-home-135237.htm
They'd much rather have you all the time, but you can't do it all, and they need to learn to accept help in some form. Caregivers often get sick and/or die before the people they are caring for.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do I find a local support group?
SecretSister has some great suggestions. Also, your Alzheimer's Association may have ideas, and if nothing else, if you belong to a... SecretSister has some great suggestions. Also, your Alzheimer's Association may have ideas, and if nothing else, if you belong to a spiritual community, look into starting one. Caregivers are everywhere and need each other.
I hope you fine a group or start one.
Take care,
Carol see more
I hope you fine a group or start one.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
If I can't get mom to eat, what are the legal implications of letting her starve herself?
There is a difference between encouragement and forcing. Think about which is going on. I'd take her to her doctor, and I’d ask about... There is a difference between encouragement and forcing. Think about which is going on.
I'd take her to her doctor, and I’d ask about hospice. The doctor can help you decide if this is the right move.
She still has rights, but you and she need some medical advice. Her comfort and contentment are the important factors here. She may be very uncomfortable with food because of a correctible condition, or it may be her organs are shutting down naturally and her body doesn't want food. A doctor should be able to tell you what is going on.
Take care. You are a very loving person and are thinking things through. Please let us know how it goes.
Carol see more
I'd take her to her doctor, and I’d ask about hospice. The doctor can help you decide if this is the right move.
She still has rights, but you and she need some medical advice. Her comfort and contentment are the important factors here. She may be very uncomfortable with food because of a correctible condition, or it may be her organs are shutting down naturally and her body doesn't want food. A doctor should be able to tell you what is going on.
Take care. You are a very loving person and are thinking things through. Please let us know how it goes.
Carol see more
Question
Why has my mother’s appetite and mood changed?
She definitely needs to see another doctor. I'm wondering about vascular dementia, since she's had strokes. Also, she may be... She definitely needs to see another doctor. I'm wondering about vascular dementia, since she's had strokes. Also, she may be depressed. It sounds like several things going on, including her diabetes (her not eating right is making that worse as you said), probably depression and possibly some type of dementia. She should see a doctor who can diagnose depression and/or dementia, and get another physical (have all her meds checked for side effects and interactions), then have her checked for depression and dementia. This is a complicated situation, but likely can be made better with medical help. If you can get her to a geriatrician, that would be great.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Why has my mother’s appetite and mood changed?
So much depends on what her health is. Is she in a late stage of an illness or was she healthy and is she just now doing this? We'd... So much depends on what her health is. Is she in a late stage of an illness or was she healthy and is she just now doing this?
We'd love to hear more about what is happening is you want to share it.
Take care,
Carol see more
We'd love to hear more about what is happening is you want to share it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
You have so much insight, gvergrl. Try not to be down on yourself about your human feelings. It's very hard to care for aging parents... You have so much insight, gvergrl. Try not to be down on yourself about your human feelings. It's very hard to care for aging parents who were abusive to you as a child (and still are). That is one reason why many people end up appointing guardians for their parents through the courts. There is only so much one person can endure.
Only you can decide how much more you can give (or take from them and remain sane). Mental illness is horrible for the person with it, but it's also horrible for children raised by people who are ill. There are no easy answers.
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Only you can decide how much more you can give (or take from them and remain sane). Mental illness is horrible for the person with it, but it's also horrible for children raised by people who are ill. There are no easy answers.
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Question
Can we ask the nursing home staff to stop spoon feeding my mother-in-law when she's unresponsive?
Good point about the "unresponsive" word. My thought was that she is unable to swallow well and just lying there, nearly... Good point about the "unresponsive" word. My thought was that she is unable to swallow well and just lying there, nearly comatose. If it just means that she isn't mentally interacting, that is an entirely different matter. This needs a doctor's attention, as well as knowledge of the wishes of the elder. Is she near death or just not socially responding? That's the real issue.
Good comment, NIK2R3.
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Good comment, NIK2R3.
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Question
How do we keep my mother-in-law from ripping off her bandages and making the sore on her arm worse?
Wow, this is horrible for you. I know how the skin can get, as my mother-in-law was like that. And if she had a small sore, she'd pick... Wow, this is horrible for you. I know how the skin can get, as my mother-in-law was like that. And if she had a small sore, she'd pick it raw. Then, infection comes into play.
Where is your MIL in her health? If she needs to be restrained, that's awful for you and for her, and it seems there should be some other way.
Should she be in a nursing home? Should she be under hospice care either at home or in a nursing home? Can her arm be splinted and wrapped so she can't undo the bandage?
Can you emotionally handle restraining her like this? I know these are just more questions, but you really need someone who is right there and knows elders.
Please talk with a geriatrician or someone who specializes in elders, if you haven't. You need some professionals here to help you figure out what can be done for her. You shouldn't have to go through this and neither should she.
Please let us know how you do.
Carol see more
Where is your MIL in her health? If she needs to be restrained, that's awful for you and for her, and it seems there should be some other way.
Should she be in a nursing home? Should she be under hospice care either at home or in a nursing home? Can her arm be splinted and wrapped so she can't undo the bandage?
Can you emotionally handle restraining her like this? I know these are just more questions, but you really need someone who is right there and knows elders.
Please talk with a geriatrician or someone who specializes in elders, if you haven't. You need some professionals here to help you figure out what can be done for her. You shouldn't have to go through this and neither should she.
Please let us know how you do.
Carol see more
Question
Can we ask the nursing home staff to stop spoon feeding my mother-in-law when she's unresponsive?
Ideally, there is a living will or health directive. That would be very useful here. The home is likely doing what they need to do until... Ideally, there is a living will or health directive. That would be very useful here. The home is likely doing what they need to do until they have doctor's orders to do otherwise, but if she is unresponsive this seems wrong. A doctor needs to be notified.
Is your mother on hospice care? I'd highly recommend you look into that if she is not. They will be a big help in getting you through this.
Take care,
Carol see more
Is your mother on hospice care? I'd highly recommend you look into that if she is not. They will be a big help in getting you through this.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
Thanks, Nauseated, as well as the rest of you. There's so much compassion on this site. I'm proud of you all.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
I credited SecretSister with the positive note about Caregiverslight's post. While SecretSister has a lot of good posts, the one I... I credited SecretSister with the positive note about Caregiverslight's post. While SecretSister has a lot of good posts, the one I meant to point to was by CGL. You all have had such great posts, it's an honor to be a part of this.
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Carol see more
Question
Is confusion in the elderly always caused by dementia or Alzheimer's, or could there be other reasons?
Medications - either interactions or side effects - can be the blame, as can infection. Good information the great people on this site, as... Medications - either interactions or side effects - can be the blame, as can infection. Good information the great people on this site, as usual.
There are many things to check before a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other dementia is given.
Carol see more
There are many things to check before a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other dementia is given.
Carol see more
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
Thanks, SS, for the compassionate and informational answer. Yes, there are times when the family caregiver needs to get all of the outside... Thanks, SS, for the compassionate and informational answer. Yes, there are times when the family caregiver needs to get all of the outside help available, and sometimes that means taking legal action. Mental illness is not something logic, or even love, can handle alone, and subsituting the loss one one's own physical and mental health for the sake of one we want to help, but can't, isn't what caregiving is about.
There comes a time for many when some people can't do it alone. This is certainly one of those times.
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There comes a time for many when some people can't do it alone. This is certainly one of those times.
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Question
How do I get an assisted living center to provide more assistance for my elderly parents?
We have some of these homes in my area, and some are in out-lying areas where people have huge gardens and move around outside a lot (if... We have some of these homes in my area, and some are in out-lying areas where people have huge gardens and move around outside a lot (if they choose). It works well here, as many rural people come to the metro area to retire, and then miss being outside.
Small home groups are perfect for some, but not for others. It's a very individual preference. It's just good to have choices.
Carol see more
Small home groups are perfect for some, but not for others. It's a very individual preference. It's just good to have choices.
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Question
I need a BREAK! How do I get someone trustworthy to watch my mother?
If you are in an area where there is a parish nurse program or block nurses, they are a wonderful source of respite. Also, check RSVP in... If you are in an area where there is a parish nurse program or block nurses, they are a wonderful source of respite. Also, check RSVP in your area (Retired Senior Volunteer Program). Many have senior companions who will come and sit with your elder while you get a break.
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Carol see more
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
Ah, yes, I see that now. I misread the last note. Having all of the legal documents in place is going to be very necessary and it's... Ah, yes, I see that now. I misread the last note.
Having all of the legal documents in place is going to be very necessary and it's good you are proactive. Keep checking back. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Having all of the legal documents in place is going to be very necessary and it's good you are proactive. Keep checking back. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Can we ask the nursing home staff to stop spoon feeding my mother-in-law when she's unresponsive?
Carol see more