Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I get an assisted living center to provide more assistance for my elderly parents?
Most contracts with assisted living only offer certain things, but you are welcome to hire in-home agencies to come in to give more care.... Most contracts with assisted living only offer certain things, but you are welcome to hire in-home agencies to come in to give more care. Assisted living is meant to have help around if someone falls, offer meals and social events and generally keep an eye out. There are some, of course, that offer more care. But many don't. However, none should object to you hiring more care.
I'd check the contract to see what is included and go from there.
Carol see more
I'd check the contract to see what is included and go from there.
Carol see more
Question
How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?
You do have to protect yourself, so I'm glad you are looking at options. Aging doesn't give us the right to abuse people. Mental... You do have to protect yourself, so I'm glad you are looking at options. Aging doesn't give us the right to abuse people. Mental illness is not the fault of the ill person, but it shouldn't ruin the lives of all who try to care for that person. I'm glad you can talk with a few caregivers on this site who've gone through the conservator process. It is a lot of paperwork, but you may have to do it.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How do I get mom to accept the fact that she needs to go to the doctor for a memory assessment?
If you can get her to go back to the doctor and try an anti-depressant, that could be a good option. HOwever, getting her there for that... If you can get her to go back to the doctor and try an anti-depressant, that could be a good option. HOwever, getting her there for that could be a problem since she doesn't think she needs help.
If you do go with a drug, she needs to be monitored carefully. Some people respond well to the first anti-depressant, but others can actually get worse, and side effects are a big problem during the first weeks. That said, many elders respond well, under good supervision.
Indeed, support for yourself is of the utmost importance. Keep coming to the site, and seek help from a spiritual leader or a group or paid therapist. Maybe all three. You have your hands full. Carol see more
If you do go with a drug, she needs to be monitored carefully. Some people respond well to the first anti-depressant, but others can actually get worse, and side effects are a big problem during the first weeks. That said, many elders respond well, under good supervision.
Indeed, support for yourself is of the utmost importance. Keep coming to the site, and seek help from a spiritual leader or a group or paid therapist. Maybe all three. You have your hands full. Carol see more
Question
How do I get mom to accept the fact that she needs to go to the doctor for a memory assessment?
Not a bad approach if the person doesn't want to do anything. Sometimes the drugs help, other times not. Much depends, however, on... Not a bad approach if the person doesn't want to do anything. Sometimes the drugs help, other times not. Much depends, however, on whether Alzheimer's is present or if it's just memory loss.
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Question
How do I get mom to accept the fact that she needs to go to the doctor for a memory assessment?
This is a common and frustrating problem because you can't force them. Generally, I suggest getting them to a doctor under some other... This is a common and frustrating problem because you can't force them. Generally, I suggest getting them to a doctor under some other pretext, but you have already done all the ground work with the geriatrician, which is perfect. What to do now? If even her friends and doctor can't convince her, would her pastor or Rabbi be able to help? Hard to tell, but sometimes they will listen to a spiritual leader. What she needs to know is that there are drugs that can slow the decline. She likely is in denial, because she thinks there's nothing they can do anyway. This was true for a long time, but now there are things that can help, if people don't wait too long.
Good luck. You may or may not get anywhere with this. You can't physically drag her. Let us know if you make any progress.
Carol see more
Good luck. You may or may not get anywhere with this. You can't physically drag her. Let us know if you make any progress.
Carol see more
Question
Is it a good idea to keep a journal of how and what a patient does and says?
I don't see what it would hurt. Is it worth your time? That depends on what is going on. If you are trying to document a health issue... I don't see what it would hurt. Is it worth your time? That depends on what is going on. If you are trying to document a health issue or suspect dementia, then yes, I'd say it's a very good idea.
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Question
How do I cope as an only child taking care of aging parents?
You are not cold. Yes, a nursing home is expensive. You will still be a caregiver if she is in a nursing home, but if she needs that much... You are not cold. Yes, a nursing home is expensive. You will still be a caregiver if she is in a nursing home, but if she needs that much care, you can't safely do it all alone. Once her assets are used up, she will qualify for Medicaid. You may want to see an estate attorney if she has many assets.
Please let her know you will still be her advocate and caregiver - there will just be more help. Make her room as nice as possible with her own things (there is limited space, but some personal touches help a lot). If she can afford a private room, at least for awhile, that helps the transition.. Work closely with the staff and be a part of the team. You will both be fine. The way it is, with no help, you are at risk of serious illness, and then where would your mother be?
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Please let her know you will still be her advocate and caregiver - there will just be more help. Make her room as nice as possible with her own things (there is limited space, but some personal touches help a lot). If she can afford a private room, at least for awhile, that helps the transition.. Work closely with the staff and be a part of the team. You will both be fine. The way it is, with no help, you are at risk of serious illness, and then where would your mother be?
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
How do we tell my mother-in-law that we are putting her in a nursing home?
No matter how you tell her, she won't want to go. She will likely try to make you feel too guilty to do it. If you have looked around... No matter how you tell her, she won't want to go. She will likely try to make you feel too guilty to do it. If you have looked around and found the best place for her, then you need to act like it's a done deal.
Tell her you love her and that she needs more care than you can give her. Tell her you'll still be caring for her, but with more help and she'll have peers to visit with. Try to be with her as much as you can during the transition, take as many personal objects as you can for her room, and then visit as often as you can. You'll be her advocate.
This won't be easy. You already know that. But you've done a great deal, and if the time has arrived where this is the best move, then do so with love, and drop the guilt. Be ready for resistance. Deal with it and help her, but don't let her abuse you.
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Tell her you love her and that she needs more care than you can give her. Tell her you'll still be caring for her, but with more help and she'll have peers to visit with. Try to be with her as much as you can during the transition, take as many personal objects as you can for her room, and then visit as often as you can. You'll be her advocate.
This won't be easy. You already know that. But you've done a great deal, and if the time has arrived where this is the best move, then do so with love, and drop the guilt. Be ready for resistance. Deal with it and help her, but don't let her abuse you.
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Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
It amazes me, too, where topics lead. It's healthy talk. I'm so glad you've got her drinking water : ) I think the reason this... It amazes me, too, where topics lead. It's healthy talk. I'm so glad you've got her drinking water : )
I think the reason this stirred so much talk was that no one really knew what shape your mom is in. That makes a huge difference to how one responds. So, we thank you for wording the topic as you did. It was thought provoking and brought losts of practical suggestions, as well. Good luck with your mom, and I hope you will keep checking in with other topics as well.
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I think the reason this stirred so much talk was that no one really knew what shape your mom is in. That makes a huge difference to how one responds. So, we thank you for wording the topic as you did. It was thought provoking and brought losts of practical suggestions, as well. Good luck with your mom, and I hope you will keep checking in with other topics as well.
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Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
Yearight, you are, well, right. Our culture has been taught to treat death as unnatural. It's part of the life cycle. We want to keep... Yearight, you are, well, right. Our culture has been taught to treat death as unnatural. It's part of the life cycle. We want to keep our loved ones with us as long as we can, but when there is nothing that can be done - and for myself, I prefer quality over quantity - if they are ready to go, I believe it's their right. If they truly want every effort made to keep them alive, again it's their choice. That's why having conversations with our loved ones early on, and having a health directive is so important. It takes some of the burden off the family.
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Question
How can I handle my sister's harsh criticism of me for the way I care for our parents?
Wise words, as usual, Austin.
Question
My husband is a quadriplegic and we can't find a home health agency that is willing to care for him. What can...
Mk - This is all about the sad mess our health care system is in. I know these Medicare rules about how long and what type of care people... Mk - This is all about the sad mess our health care system is in. I know these Medicare rules about how long and what type of care people can get really don't make sense in individual situations, and you seem to have run into some rude and unhelpful folks, besides.
The idea that your husband would "galivant" would be funny if it weren't so sickening that someone actually said this. Keep us posted on what you find. I would think the Americans With Disabilties could help you. www.ada.gov
SLV2009, it's our system again. Assisted living isn't usually covered, so nursing homes are generally used forMedicaid recipients. Check with your state aging services folks, though. There may be some states that subsidize AL. No rule seems to apply everywhere. But I don't know of any grants. If anyone else does, please chime in. Some states may have some help.
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The idea that your husband would "galivant" would be funny if it weren't so sickening that someone actually said this. Keep us posted on what you find. I would think the Americans With Disabilties could help you. www.ada.gov
SLV2009, it's our system again. Assisted living isn't usually covered, so nursing homes are generally used forMedicaid recipients. Check with your state aging services folks, though. There may be some states that subsidize AL. No rule seems to apply everywhere. But I don't know of any grants. If anyone else does, please chime in. Some states may have some help.
Carol see more
Question
My husband is a quadriplegic and we can't find a home health agency that is willing to care for him. What can...
Sooz has some good answers. What you are going through is not only horrible, some of it sounds fraudulent. You county people should be of... Sooz has some good answers. What you are going through is not only horrible, some of it sounds fraudulent.
You county people should be of help. Also, go to www.ada.gov. This is the site for disabled Americans. You may get help there. If he is a veteran, he has some rights there. You've been through hell. I hope one of these government agencies can see that his rights are considered.
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You county people should be of help. Also, go to www.ada.gov. This is the site for disabled Americans. You may get help there. If he is a veteran, he has some rights there. You've been through hell. I hope one of these government agencies can see that his rights are considered.
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Question
My 91 year old mother accuses me of taking and moving her things. How do I handle her accusing me of taking an...
This is very common with dementia, and so frustrating. Often it's memory. They don't remember where they put something - it's... This is very common with dementia, and so frustrating. Often it's memory. They don't remember where they put something - it's not where they think it was - so someone took it. But paranoia with Alzheimer's can make this tendency even worse. She does need to be checked out.
Distracting her from the "missing" thing sometimes helps, but sometimes we just have to go with the flow, figure out what may work in any given situation, and move on. If she has Alzheimer's, and is an early enough stage, medication may help. But it's heart breaking to have her think you are taking things. I know. Many of us have been there.
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Distracting her from the "missing" thing sometimes helps, but sometimes we just have to go with the flow, figure out what may work in any given situation, and move on. If she has Alzheimer's, and is an early enough stage, medication may help. But it's heart breaking to have her think you are taking things. I know. Many of us have been there.
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Question
My elderly father is in a nursing home and now they want him to leave because he is hard to manage, what shoul...
Lois has some good points, here. If you talk with your Ombudsman (www.ltcombudsman.org should get you to the information you need -... Lois has some good points, here. If you talk with your Ombudsman (www.ltcombudsman.org should get you to the information you need - otherwise, your state Web site will), ask about alternatives for your dad. The fact is, as Lois said, some places aren't equiped to handled demenia patients when they are the most difficult, and that isn't good for your dad or anyone. It could be he needs a medication adjustment or something new.
If a proper diagnosis and the right medications don't help in his current situation, then someone from social services or the local Alzheimer's group should be able to help you find a place for him. I've seen very difficult patients taken care of in some facilities, and they've done very well with personal attention, the right staff, and proper medications.
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If a proper diagnosis and the right medications don't help in his current situation, then someone from social services or the local Alzheimer's group should be able to help you find a place for him. I've seen very difficult patients taken care of in some facilities, and they've done very well with personal attention, the right staff, and proper medications.
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Question
Why are my parents getting divorced at 83 years old and 57 years of marriage?
Susana, you speak for many. There are many things that this divorce could be about, but one is that some people know they made a mistake... Susana, you speak for many. There are many things that this divorce could be about, but one is that some people know they made a mistake right away, and stay with it. Then they have kids and stay with it. It's unusual, if they stuck with it for over fifty years that they would divorce, but if they are sound of mind, it's their choice. If they have dementia, that is of course different. If it's mutual, that is another thing. If one has dementia, that also changes the picture. This is a situation that has many dimensions, depending of so many issues that we (here on the site) don't know. Very interesting discussion.
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Question
My elderly father is in a nursing home and now they want him to leave because he is hard to manage, what shoul...
Laura, please do talk with everyone you can. I can't imagine they can legally just make him leave without a place to go. There must be... Laura, please do talk with everyone you can. I can't imagine they can legally just make him leave without a place to go. There must be a doctor and a social worker (not involved with the home) in here somewhere. Call your county Social Services people and ask what to do. There has to be a care unit that can take him and give him the care he needs.
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Question
Why are my parents getting divorced at 83 years old and 57 years of marriage?
Both of these are good posts. It's horrible that our system is such that some people divorce for financial reasons or don't marry... Both of these are good posts. It's horrible that our system is such that some people divorce for financial reasons or don't marry because of losing Social Security benefits, but happens often.
The idea of divorcing because of cognitive issues is not unheard of, either. Also, since divorce doesn't have the stigma it once had, people who have been unhappy all of their married lives sometimes decide enough is enough and do it after long marriages. This one, though - 57 years - has to be a record, if it's just because they are unhappy.
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The idea of divorcing because of cognitive issues is not unheard of, either. Also, since divorce doesn't have the stigma it once had, people who have been unhappy all of their married lives sometimes decide enough is enough and do it after long marriages. This one, though - 57 years - has to be a record, if it's just because they are unhappy.
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Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
Good for you!
Take care and come back and chat when you have a few minutes.
Carol
Take care and come back and chat when you have a few minutes.
Carol
How do you know when your parents need a nursing home?
Whether you decide on this now or not, it's time to start looking. Often you don't have the luxury of time to decide on a good one, and the good ones usually have waiting lists.
Take care. This is a tough time for all of you.
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