Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
It's amazing what a little variety will do! That and the choice of making a decision, rather than feeling pushed, if the person is... It's amazing what a little variety will do! That and the choice of making a decision, rather than feeling pushed, if the person is capable, can often work wonders. I'm so happy the new cup worked.
The brilliance and compassion of you caregivers is awesome.
Carol see more
The brilliance and compassion of you caregivers is awesome.
Carol see more
Question
How long should I expect my non-cancer father to live after no longer receiving nourishment or hydration?
If he's better when the drugs wear off, then his drugs need to be re-examined. You are right that one episode of gagging hardly... If he's better when the drugs wear off, then his drugs need to be re-examined. You are right that one episode of gagging hardly constitutes "the end is near." You may be onto something here.
One thing to note however: If people are going steadily downhill and they truly are near death, a rally is very common. People think, "Oh, they are really pulling back and improving now." And then they are gone. This is very, very common and confuses a lot of people.
That said, your information sounds as though the wrong drugs (or dosage, or too many drugs), or jumping to conclusions because of one bad episode could have some people thinking the end is near. If you don't trust the people with the POA, it's good to keep an eye out.
Good luck with this. It can get very confusing. Having a chat with the medical people on who care for him would be helpful, if you can get accurate information.
Carol see more
One thing to note however: If people are going steadily downhill and they truly are near death, a rally is very common. People think, "Oh, they are really pulling back and improving now." And then they are gone. This is very, very common and confuses a lot of people.
That said, your information sounds as though the wrong drugs (or dosage, or too many drugs), or jumping to conclusions because of one bad episode could have some people thinking the end is near. If you don't trust the people with the POA, it's good to keep an eye out.
Good luck with this. It can get very confusing. Having a chat with the medical people on who care for him would be helpful, if you can get accurate information.
Carol see more
Question
Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
Beaone has a point with depression. A lot depends on where you mother is in her health. If she is basically healthy, this could be a mental... Beaone has a point with depression. A lot depends on where you mother is in her health. If she is basically healthy, this could be a mental health issue. If she is very ill, it could be something different. Either way, keeping it close as you've been doing (whatever fluid or food you try) and leaving to her may help. But if depression is at the bottom of it, anti-depressants increase thirst for most people, so that in itself may make her want to drink more water. Lots of good suggestions here.
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How do I get my mom to drink water?
Good tip. I used to run the water for my mother to try to make her thirsty, and also to try to get her to urinate.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do I get my mom to drink water?
Not hydrating can be fatal, but forcing it can backfire, too. It's a horrible dilemma. As you already know, fluids are more important... Not hydrating can be fatal, but forcing it can backfire, too. It's a horrible dilemma. As you already know, fluids are more important than food. Have you been blunt with her about this? That is she doesn't drink fluids, even when she doesn't want them, she will either need to have them administered medically or she could die?
I know my mother used to get angry at the nursing home people for pushing fluids. She drank as much as she could. But she had no appetite either, and her organs were shutting down, so she was dying anyway. Her body was rejecting it all. Hopefully, this is not what you are facing here, and you can encourage her, but if she knows the facts and wants to live, she will have to force herself.
All the things you've done are right. But we make our own choices, in the end. If she knows that this could kill her, she may change or she may not. You will know you've done (and will keep doing) your best.
Maybe if she is truly convinced (by a doctor?) of the seriousness of this, and then you just leave fluids by her everywhere, and don't nag, she will take it upon herself to drink as much as she can. One can have hope. Rebellion takes many forms. If she knows she is responsible for her intake, that what she needs is there if she will only do her part, maybe she will.
You are wonderfully caring and doing everything you can. Take care of yourself, and please don't feel guilty. Carol see more
I know my mother used to get angry at the nursing home people for pushing fluids. She drank as much as she could. But she had no appetite either, and her organs were shutting down, so she was dying anyway. Her body was rejecting it all. Hopefully, this is not what you are facing here, and you can encourage her, but if she knows the facts and wants to live, she will have to force herself.
All the things you've done are right. But we make our own choices, in the end. If she knows that this could kill her, she may change or she may not. You will know you've done (and will keep doing) your best.
Maybe if she is truly convinced (by a doctor?) of the seriousness of this, and then you just leave fluids by her everywhere, and don't nag, she will take it upon herself to drink as much as she can. One can have hope. Rebellion takes many forms. If she knows she is responsible for her intake, that what she needs is there if she will only do her part, maybe she will.
You are wonderfully caring and doing everything you can. Take care of yourself, and please don't feel guilty. Carol see more
Question
How do we care for my mother-in-law's in home care medical needs when my father-in-law tries to discontinue it...
The sad part is that sometimes these dysfunctional relationships affect one partner badly, but they are so used to living that way it is... The sad part is that sometimes these dysfunctional relationships affect one partner badly, but they are so used to living that way it is never challenged. I don't know what you can do. You could, of course, get social services involved. But things could get messy, so you'd need to discuss that with your husband and see if it's worth it.
It's probably moot to ask, but would suggesting another care agency to your FIL do any good? Say, suggesting that since he doesn't like this one, maybe another would be better? It sounds like he will make trouble over any of them, as he doesn't want people around at all. Then, the only way to force it, if you MIL won't speak up, is for a third party with some authority.
This is tough to watch but, unfortunately, not that unusual, especially with couples of that generation.
You are kind to be worried, but assuming there is no diagnosed mental illness or dementia with your FIL, you may be limited in what you can do.
Carol see more
It's probably moot to ask, but would suggesting another care agency to your FIL do any good? Say, suggesting that since he doesn't like this one, maybe another would be better? It sounds like he will make trouble over any of them, as he doesn't want people around at all. Then, the only way to force it, if you MIL won't speak up, is for a third party with some authority.
This is tough to watch but, unfortunately, not that unusual, especially with couples of that generation.
You are kind to be worried, but assuming there is no diagnosed mental illness or dementia with your FIL, you may be limited in what you can do.
Carol see more
Question
How long should I expect my non-cancer father to live after no longer receiving nourishment or hydration?
Thanks, as always, Austin, for your insight. Many people wait for "permission" to let go. They are afraid to leave their grieving... Thanks, as always, Austin, for your insight. Many people wait for "permission" to let go. They are afraid to leave their grieving family.
Austin's experience is fresh and we appreciate each jewel she shares on this issue.
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Austin's experience is fresh and we appreciate each jewel she shares on this issue.
Carol see more
Question
How long should I expect my non-cancer father to live after no longer receiving nourishment or hydration?
Thanks for the mention of talking to the patient, Heavyload. Touch is also generally welcome. My sister and I touched our parents, held... Thanks for the mention of talking to the patient, Heavyload. Touch is also generally welcome. My sister and I touched our parents, held their hands and talked to them (and to each other, in their presence).
I do believe our presence was known and wanted. Attended deaths can be beautiful, when the person is dying after a long struggle and they are ready. My first attended death was with my uncle. That experience, as well as the deaths of my parents, became stories that remain in my heart and also events I've written about. We will all die. It is part of the life cycle. Helping someone die with loving support is one of the most important things we can do. Not always are we given this chance, but when we are, it's an experience most of us would never forget.
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I do believe our presence was known and wanted. Attended deaths can be beautiful, when the person is dying after a long struggle and they are ready. My first attended death was with my uncle. That experience, as well as the deaths of my parents, became stories that remain in my heart and also events I've written about. We will all die. It is part of the life cycle. Helping someone die with loving support is one of the most important things we can do. Not always are we given this chance, but when we are, it's an experience most of us would never forget.
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Question
I need a BREAK! How do I get someone trustworthy to watch my mother?
Hopefully, you'll "feel" when the time is right, by a mood she is in, but she does need a little time to prepare. I... Hopefully, you'll "feel" when the time is right, by a mood she is in, but she does need a little time to prepare. I wouldn't tell her too far ahead, because, as you say, she'll just worry. Could you try day care first? Just to get her feet wet? Ideally, it would be a day care attached to the home that would provide respite. If you can't do that, you may want to have some in-home help, again so she can get used to other caregivers. Then, you can explain that you can't be there for her all the time and that you are looking for ways to help you both.
Take care of yourself, and be firm but kind. She will not like it and will try to talk you out of it. But, if she knows it has to be, then she should start to adjust.
I'm glad you enjoy the forum. There are terrific people on here.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, and be firm but kind. She will not like it and will try to talk you out of it. But, if she knows it has to be, then she should start to adjust.
I'm glad you enjoy the forum. There are terrific people on here.
Carol see more
Question
How long should I expect my non-cancer father to live after no longer receiving nourishment or hydration?
Not too long, though my little mother, who was riddled with pain and only weighed 85 pounds, was "dying" for three days (though,... Not too long, though my little mother, who was riddled with pain and only weighed 85 pounds, was "dying" for three days (though, in reality, she'd been dying for months).
Her heart was so strong. Her organs had been shutting down one by one for weeks before hospice put her on meds and took her off hydration. She was comfortable but her heart kept beating. It was a long three days for my sister and for me, but when she died she died peacefully. As long as your father is not in pain, it is okay. He'll last as long as his heart beats, and that is different for everyone.
We are thinking of you and with you in sprit.
Carol see more
Her heart was so strong. Her organs had been shutting down one by one for weeks before hospice put her on meds and took her off hydration. She was comfortable but her heart kept beating. It was a long three days for my sister and for me, but when she died she died peacefully. As long as your father is not in pain, it is okay. He'll last as long as his heart beats, and that is different for everyone.
We are thinking of you and with you in sprit.
Carol see more
Question
I need a BREAK! How do I get someone trustworthy to watch my mother?
It's best to go through an in-home agency. Ask for references and check them out. If one person wasn't happy with the agency, but... It's best to go through an in-home agency. Ask for references and check them out. If one person wasn't happy with the agency, but most are, then consider that it could be a personality thing. But if you find many aren't satisfied with the agency, then find another.
It would be good if you could get a caregiver from the agency to come in a couple of times ahead of your leaving, so your mother can get feel more comfortable with her when you are gone. Then make sure the agency knows who to assign for the time you are gone. It would be worth the extra expense.
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It would be good if you could get a caregiver from the agency to come in a couple of times ahead of your leaving, so your mother can get feel more comfortable with her when you are gone. Then make sure the agency knows who to assign for the time you are gone. It would be worth the extra expense.
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Question
My in-laws have been living with my husband and I and it is starting to take a toll on our relationship, when...
Start conversations now. It won't help anyone to continue this way and have resentment build. Look at places together. Explain that... Start conversations now. It won't help anyone to continue this way and have resentment build. Look at places together. Explain that they need more help and you will continue to help but they will have the extra bonus of trained help. Patricia has some good words as well as hugs. This will be a difficult transition, but not as bad as continuing with something that doesn't work.
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Question
How do you control their mood swings?
There could be depression or bi-polar problems here. If that is the case a doctor could prescribe medication. If, after a doctor has... There could be depression or bi-polar problems here. If that is the case a doctor could prescribe medication. If, after a doctor has decided whether or not medication is indicated, you'll have to try to go with the mood swings, giving the person more "space" when they need it, and encouraging when you can. It's difficult for everyone, but often medication changes can help this.
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Question
I don't want to take care of my father anymore. How do I approach the subject of assisted living outside of ou...
You've gotten some wonderful tips here. I just want to emphasize that you are not "horrible" for thinking and feeling the way... You've gotten some wonderful tips here. I just want to emphasize that you are not "horrible" for thinking and feeling the way you do. You've done so much. Changes need to be made. Think it through, but do what you must. I loved the comment above that said most people don't want to move to AL - until they get there. Once they adjust to having peers for company, many if not most, love it. It opens up whole new horizons and many bloom. Of course, this is not always the case and it does depend on finding a good AL. People in AL also need family care. They just get extra care, and that is good for a lot of people.
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Question
How can I make my mom agree to move in with me if she has already broken a hip and an arm all in one year?
It's understandable she doesn't want to lose control over her own life, and if she is mentally sound - that's the main issue -... It's understandable she doesn't want to lose control over her own life, and if she is mentally sound - that's the main issue - the best you can do may be to let her go home and hire some in-home help and make sure she wears an alarm. There's a point, frustrating as it is, where we have to realize that they have a right, if mentally sound, to make their own decisions. These decisions may, in the end, make a nursing home necessary rather than a move to assisted living. or in your case, living with you. But if she insists and she is mentally sound, she does have rights, painful as it is for you to watch.
My mother fell many, many times before she finally got afraid enough to move. She had an alarm, and I was at her apartment at least once a week (besides my daily time I spent with her) for emergency calls when she fell. Finally, she made the decision to move, but it was then to a nursing home. It's hard to watch.
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My mother fell many, many times before she finally got afraid enough to move. She had an alarm, and I was at her apartment at least once a week (besides my daily time I spent with her) for emergency calls when she fell. Finally, she made the decision to move, but it was then to a nursing home. It's hard to watch.
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Question
My father suffered a heart attack; I have to take care of insurance, doctors, and legal matters where do I sta...
Dear schultz109, Secret Sister has some good advice. You need to check with the VA, as your dad may have some help through them. Some... Dear schultz109,
Secret Sister has some good advice. You need to check with the VA, as your dad may have some help through them. Some people have Medicare first and then "MediGap" through private insurance, so there are two agencies to work with. Likely, as SS says, it can be the other way around.
It's not horribly expensive to get a Power of Attorney and a Health Directive (POA for health care) that would let you help your dad more easily. It sounds as though he can give consent, though if he can't sign you'll need a notary as a witness.
Your sensitivity to his dignity and the loss he feels is wonderful. With your insight and caring heart, you'll do fine. Do try working with his doctor. See if your county Social Security office can give you direction in finding a reasonable attorney for these forms. It's going to be cheaper now than if you wait until things get more complicated.
The paperwork is mindboggling. Keep coming back as you are talking with people who have been there.
Carol see more
Secret Sister has some good advice. You need to check with the VA, as your dad may have some help through them. Some people have Medicare first and then "MediGap" through private insurance, so there are two agencies to work with. Likely, as SS says, it can be the other way around.
It's not horribly expensive to get a Power of Attorney and a Health Directive (POA for health care) that would let you help your dad more easily. It sounds as though he can give consent, though if he can't sign you'll need a notary as a witness.
Your sensitivity to his dignity and the loss he feels is wonderful. With your insight and caring heart, you'll do fine. Do try working with his doctor. See if your county Social Security office can give you direction in finding a reasonable attorney for these forms. It's going to be cheaper now than if you wait until things get more complicated.
The paperwork is mindboggling. Keep coming back as you are talking with people who have been there.
Carol see more
Question
How can I make my mom agree to move in with me if she has already broken a hip and an arm all in one year?
Lois has a good suggestion. One thing we frustrated caregivers have to remember is that a move is so emotional to the elder that they... Lois has a good suggestion. One thing we frustrated caregivers have to remember is that a move is so emotional to the elder that they can't be "reasonable." This is especially true if they are moving from a longtime home. The memories are there. Their "things" are reminders (sometimes literally) of who they are. Leaving this is hard, even though they may be frightened to be alone.
Third party help is nearly always helpful. A good friend, pastor or Rabbi who knows your elder can sometimes spend time reminiscing and help the person sort through emotions and even sort thorough the "things." It's a process, and for them, a highly emotional one.
My mother considered assisted living for quite some time but couldn't make up her mind to leave some of her belongings behind. She would have been able to take a lot of furniture and belongings, but she couldn't make the decisions. Finally, she had to move to a nursing home instead, and so she "lost" even more, though we moved as much of her personal life into her room as possible (bedspread, chair, pictures, etc
This is a hard thing to do. Our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
Third party help is nearly always helpful. A good friend, pastor or Rabbi who knows your elder can sometimes spend time reminiscing and help the person sort through emotions and even sort thorough the "things." It's a process, and for them, a highly emotional one.
My mother considered assisted living for quite some time but couldn't make up her mind to leave some of her belongings behind. She would have been able to take a lot of furniture and belongings, but she couldn't make the decisions. Finally, she had to move to a nursing home instead, and so she "lost" even more, though we moved as much of her personal life into her room as possible (bedspread, chair, pictures, etc
This is a hard thing to do. Our hearts are with you.
Carol see more
Question
How can I make my mom agree to move in with me if she has already broken a hip and an arm all in one year?
This may not be all bad (see “Don’t want Mom to live with me anymore”). She's independent and wants to stay that way. Maybe she would... This may not be all bad (see “Don’t want Mom to live with me anymore”).
She's independent and wants to stay that way. Maybe she would be more receptive to wearing a personal alarm and having in-home help, or moving to assisted living. Many elders say they don't want assisted living, but once they move and are around peers, they love the company. Then, in a good center (check them out) they have someone check on them, plus they have alarms for help. You can hire extra help if needed. Could you tour some AL centers with your mother and tell her that if she doesn't want to move in with you, maybe assisted living with peers would be better?
Assisted living is quite different from nursing homes. But if she absolutely won't consider it, in-home help may be your temporary answer.
Carol see more
She's independent and wants to stay that way. Maybe she would be more receptive to wearing a personal alarm and having in-home help, or moving to assisted living. Many elders say they don't want assisted living, but once they move and are around peers, they love the company. Then, in a good center (check them out) they have someone check on them, plus they have alarms for help. You can hire extra help if needed. Could you tour some AL centers with your mother and tell her that if she doesn't want to move in with you, maybe assisted living with peers would be better?
Assisted living is quite different from nursing homes. But if she absolutely won't consider it, in-home help may be your temporary answer.
Carol see more
How do I get my mom to drink water?
There comes a time for all of us when we can't be cured. We wear out and are ready to go. In this case, you even had the right legal papers in place, which makes it all the more horrible that you had to be put in a situation where you had to demand that they undo what your mother didn’t want. That's sickening.
More attention is now being directed to allowing people consultations with medical personnel about dying when their time has come, rather than keeping them alive artificially. There are times for feeding tubes, but there are times when it's cruel. I am surprised that the hospice you had wasn't more forceful. They are the ones to call when everyone agrees death is coming and you want to make it as pain free and serene as possible. I had great experiences as I attended my parents' peaceful deaths (though feeding tubes were not an option, anyway). Hospice kept them both pain free, and it was wonderful to sit with them and help them go when they were definitely ready.
I'm so glad you are telling your story. Please continue to do so. see more