Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What can I do about me elder dad's nail care?
Cat's right. It sounds like it could be fungal - not unusual for someone that age. Nails can be a huge issue for elders.
Carol
Carol
Question
Is an independent living facility liable if a patient is injured because they were denied overnight care?
I'm sure the facility isn't liable as they are assisted living and not a nursing home. People in assisted living generally have an... I'm sure the facility isn't liable as they are assisted living and not a nursing home. People in assisted living generally have an alarm they can use if they need help, but they aren't given around the clock care, unless they hire it themselves.
It sounds like your grandma has the money to hire someone. She doesn't qualify for FREE care, but she can hire it from an in-home service. Yes, it's expensive, but people are expected to pay for their care. If she needs more nursing care, a nursing home is another option. Then she would have around-the-clock care. However, she may not be in that bad a condition, so help may be best.
If you use an estate attorney or elder attorney to draw up an agreement, perhaps Grandma can pay your mom to stay with her at night, and everyone would be happy. But you should do this legally, and work with the assisted living center (and have the attorney go over the agreement so no one is ripped off). see more
It sounds like your grandma has the money to hire someone. She doesn't qualify for FREE care, but she can hire it from an in-home service. Yes, it's expensive, but people are expected to pay for their care. If she needs more nursing care, a nursing home is another option. Then she would have around-the-clock care. However, she may not be in that bad a condition, so help may be best.
If you use an estate attorney or elder attorney to draw up an agreement, perhaps Grandma can pay your mom to stay with her at night, and everyone would be happy. But you should do this legally, and work with the assisted living center (and have the attorney go over the agreement so no one is ripped off). see more
Question
What are the legal spending of assets while caregiving for an elderly father?
Shashie442, this is a good time for an estate attorney or elder attorney - someone who knows your State and Medicaid rules well. States, if... Shashie442, this is a good time for an estate attorney or elder attorney - someone who knows your State and Medicaid rules well. States, if they want to keep funding, need to follow Federal rules for Medicaid, but it's still good to see someone licensed in your state. Get everything in writing and legal and then you can go on from there. Rules are changing quickly, so you want someone who works in this area every day, not an attorney who only occasionally does a will or something. It will cost some money, but your peace of mind will be well worth it.
Good luck with this.
Carol see more
Good luck with this.
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with the loss of my mother?
Jill, you are right that the respect and dignity offered our elders is so often lacking in our medical system. When I read about some of... Jill, you are right that the respect and dignity offered our elders is so often lacking in our medical system. When I read about some of the care offered routinely in Canada (in homes), I nearly cried with frustration about how our system works. Let's hope things get fixed. They only get fixed when money counts, but now it is finally becoming known that helping caregivers (financially as well as with respite and other care) is actually cost effective, we may get somewhere.
Your mother got a bum rap when it came to diagnosis and treatment. That makes it even worse for you. Take care,
Carol see more
Your mother got a bum rap when it came to diagnosis and treatment. That makes it even worse for you. Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What are the legal spending of assets while caregiving for an elderly father?
Sometimes you need to do that, Austin. Go through the Medicare process is horribly stressful. You can only handle so much. They'll take... Sometimes you need to do that, Austin. Go through the Medicare process is horribly stressful. You can only handle so much. They'll take care of him and you can deal with him later. Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with the loss of my mother?
Hi Jill, Your words, "It is the price we pay for our ability to love" says it all. With love comes pain. The fact that your... Hi Jill,
Your words, "It is the price we pay for our ability to love" says it all. With love comes pain. The fact that your mother's life could, perhaps, have been longer and had more quality makes this even more painful. We mourn with you, yet you mourn alone. It's a personal journey.
Carol see more
Your words, "It is the price we pay for our ability to love" says it all. With love comes pain. The fact that your mother's life could, perhaps, have been longer and had more quality makes this even more painful. We mourn with you, yet you mourn alone. It's a personal journey.
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with the loss of my mother?
So much so close together, Dana. You've had a lot. And, as you say, it all happened in your house. You will always know how much you... So much so close together, Dana. You've had a lot. And, as you say, it all happened in your house. You will always know how much you gave, and that is a feeling you will cherish forever. I'm so glad the forum helps.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I cope with the loss of my mother?
I've found that, for seemingly no reason, I'll have a moment of grief and loss, years after the deaths of my parents. It's... I've found that, for seemingly no reason, I'll have a moment of grief and loss, years after the deaths of my parents. It's short lived, but powerful. One was brought on by an elderly man who poked his head around a grocery store aisle, as he looked for something. He wore a hat like my dad wore, and he had a face full of scabs, obviously from the doctor removing pre-cancers from his fair skin - like Dad would have after one of his sessions. It hit like a ton of bricks.
I shed tears for my mom not long ago. But again, it was short lived. Most of the time, I feel relief and gratitude that my parents are out of pain. I feel their presence yet. They didn't disappear from memory just because they passed on.
Grief takes so many forms and can get so tangled up with our other emotions, that healing is a slow process. But it does get better. Most of the time, I think of my elders with joy and gratitude, and the hardships of years of caregiving fade into the past. The whole of who they were during their lives shines brightly.
There's a fellowship on this site that is wonderful for caregivers as well as those who grieve. It always feels good to share experiences with others who have been where we are.
Carol see more
I shed tears for my mom not long ago. But again, it was short lived. Most of the time, I feel relief and gratitude that my parents are out of pain. I feel their presence yet. They didn't disappear from memory just because they passed on.
Grief takes so many forms and can get so tangled up with our other emotions, that healing is a slow process. But it does get better. Most of the time, I think of my elders with joy and gratitude, and the hardships of years of caregiving fade into the past. The whole of who they were during their lives shines brightly.
There's a fellowship on this site that is wonderful for caregivers as well as those who grieve. It always feels good to share experiences with others who have been where we are.
Carol see more
Question
Question
How can I find a caregivers support group?
Isolation is a key issue for caregivers, which is why online support is so valuable. Have you checked with your local Alzheimer's... Isolation is a key issue for caregivers, which is why online support is so valuable. Have you checked with your local Alzheimer's Association? They often have groups. Otherwise, check with a social services group in your area. Also, check you local newspaper for support groups. If there truly isn't anything, see if a local faith-based group would start one. There are many, like you, who need support.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How far would you go for people in your care?
I think that treating the elders you care for as you would want your loved ones to be treated (or yourself) is wonderful. It means that... I think that treating the elders you care for as you would want your loved ones to be treated (or yourself) is wonderful. It means that this is not just a job to you. Believe me, family members notice this type of person. It's what we all want when we have to place our loved ones in a nursing facility.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What are the legal spending of assets while caregiving for an elderly father?
I'd like to add to Linda's post, that they need to show that they know Medicaid law right up to the minute. That will become very... I'd like to add to Linda's post, that they need to show that they know Medicaid law right up to the minute. That will become very important. When the last big Medicaid changes went into effect, a couple of years ago, some very good attorneys (who did not specialize in estates and elder law) gave poor advice about long-term care insurance. Any attorney you get needs to know these care issues well, and the particulars of the state in which you live. It doesn't hurt to get references. As Linda says, you will feel really free once you've done it - that will take a load of worry off your mind.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What are the legal spending of assets while caregiving for an elderly father?
Shashie, I agree with Austin. You need to talk with an estate attorney or elder lawyer. Every state has different laws. You want everything... Shashie, I agree with Austin. You need to talk with an estate attorney or elder lawyer. Every state has different laws. You want everything to mesh with Medicaid should the time come when you need to go that route for your dad. If you do it all through an attorney who knows Medicaire (this is why you don't just go to any lawyer), then you won't have to worry about family squabbles or legal issues with Medicaid down the road. You will have peace of mind.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Is watching TV good for Parkinson Patients?
TV isn't bad, but be careful of content - especially the news. A lot depends on her brain function. If she shows no signs of dementia,... TV isn't bad, but be careful of content - especially the news. A lot depends on her brain function. If she shows no signs of dementia, then news is probably okay, but with dementia, it's the worst, as they tend to think all of that awful stuff is happening to them.
It would be better for her to socialize more, such as in adult day care, but again, TV isn't bad in and of itself. She does sound like she's isolated a bit. Many elders turn to TV as company because they don't have other things. I'd watch her carefully to see how she responds, and try to get her interested in getting out or something that is less passive.
Take care,
Carol see more
It would be better for her to socialize more, such as in adult day care, but again, TV isn't bad in and of itself. She does sound like she's isolated a bit. Many elders turn to TV as company because they don't have other things. I'd watch her carefully to see how she responds, and try to get her interested in getting out or something that is less passive.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are there any gov't (state or federal) programs that can help financially when a child needs to take of an agi...
Your local Area Agency on Aging - yes they are great but they can be hard to find if you don't know the name. The national Web site is... Your local Area Agency on Aging - yes they are great but they can be hard to find if you don't know the name. The national Web site is n4a.org. I've asked them about having a search function with all of the local AAAs listed by zip code, but that still isn't a function. The one closest to me is Land of the Dancing Sky - lovely name but if you don't know it, it's hard to find in the phone book. I would check with your aging services people on the state level (look up your state Web site and find aging services). They should be able to help you. It's a Federal program.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Are there any gov't (state or federal) programs that can help financially when a child needs to take of an agi...
Great idea Hurting. The Web site http://www.elderberry.org/ is a good place to start to look for block nurse programs.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do I deal with siblings not providing support?
Hi Carol, I hear you!You've given up income and Social Security credits to take care of your parents. Now you have no income.... Hi Carol,
I hear you!You've given up income and Social Security credits to take care of your parents. Now you have no income. You've also got siblings who have the means to contribute financially, but don't. That's tricky. I'm not aware of any means that they can be legally responsible to help pay, but you may want to see an elder attorney. There may be a way through court. If you go to the eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov, and click on the down arrow, you'll see legal services. Click on that and see if there is some legal help for you.
Have you looked into getting paid, yourself? Some programs are evolving that help the caregiver get paid. They are not available everywhere, but you could try typing your state name in your browser. Find the main Web site for your state and then find aging services. You should find a phone number or email address. Also, your local Area Agency on Aging may help. You could also call your county Social Services and see if they know of a way you can get paid.
Take care, Carol. I hope you'll come back and post. see more
I hear you!You've given up income and Social Security credits to take care of your parents. Now you have no income. You've also got siblings who have the means to contribute financially, but don't. That's tricky. I'm not aware of any means that they can be legally responsible to help pay, but you may want to see an elder attorney. There may be a way through court. If you go to the eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov, and click on the down arrow, you'll see legal services. Click on that and see if there is some legal help for you.
Have you looked into getting paid, yourself? Some programs are evolving that help the caregiver get paid. They are not available everywhere, but you could try typing your state name in your browser. Find the main Web site for your state and then find aging services. You should find a phone number or email address. Also, your local Area Agency on Aging may help. You could also call your county Social Services and see if they know of a way you can get paid.
Take care, Carol. I hope you'll come back and post. see more
Question
Are there any gov't (state or federal) programs that can help financially when a child needs to take of an agi...
Thanks Scarlet - I was thinking the same thing. That's a good article.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do I work, maintain 2 households, and caregive for someone that doesn't want to lose their independence?
Hi Susan, Hi Susan, The uncooperative thing is the hardest. Most of our parents want to maintain their independence, even when their safety... Hi Susan,
Hi Susan,
The uncooperative thing is the hardest. Most of our parents want to maintain their independence, even when their safety is compromised. So they can make it very hard for us to help them.
But you can't do it all for two households. In-home care agencies may be of some help, if your senior can afford it, but even then they often won't cooperate and let them in the house.. Is there a good friend of your elder's who could talk a little sense? Assisted living, if it's a good center, can afford a lot of independence, but have help available. Again, that is expensive.
One small thing that can help is a personal alarm. You can get them as bracelets or necklaces and the person has a monitor in the home and just presses a button if they need help. Lifeline is one company, but there are many others. There are other electronic ways of monitoring, as well, but some of it is pretty intrusive.
I'd start small and see if an elderly friend can start the ball rolling. Then, you could try Senior Companions (through RSVP) if you have that in your area. They are seniors that just come to visit. In-home care may work if you introduce it gradually. Meals On Wheels works for some.
I hope you can find something to ease your worries and make your days less hectic.
Take care,
Carol see more
Hi Susan,
The uncooperative thing is the hardest. Most of our parents want to maintain their independence, even when their safety is compromised. So they can make it very hard for us to help them.
But you can't do it all for two households. In-home care agencies may be of some help, if your senior can afford it, but even then they often won't cooperate and let them in the house.. Is there a good friend of your elder's who could talk a little sense? Assisted living, if it's a good center, can afford a lot of independence, but have help available. Again, that is expensive.
One small thing that can help is a personal alarm. You can get them as bracelets or necklaces and the person has a monitor in the home and just presses a button if they need help. Lifeline is one company, but there are many others. There are other electronic ways of monitoring, as well, but some of it is pretty intrusive.
I'd start small and see if an elderly friend can start the ball rolling. Then, you could try Senior Companions (through RSVP) if you have that in your area. They are seniors that just come to visit. In-home care may work if you introduce it gradually. Meals On Wheels works for some.
I hope you can find something to ease your worries and make your days less hectic.
Take care,
Carol see more
How does one handle a Alzheimer patient who displays violent behavior?
Carol see more