Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
I am worried about my dad's lack of activity and recreation. How can I get him more involved?
My elderly neighbor had severe hearing loss and refused to come to my house even for holiday dinners. My kids and I would take dinner to... My elderly neighbor had severe hearing loss and refused to come to my house even for holiday dinners. My kids and I would take dinner to him. The reason was that he was uncomfortable in "crowds" because of his lack of hearing - even though we have a small family. I didn't feel that I could push him.
Considering that your dad is showing signs of confusion and likely dementia, he has more issues than my neighbor, but I wanted to use Joe as an example because this isn't unusual behavior for people who lose their hearing.
Nor is it unusual for someone to not want to be with the "old" people. Rarely do people see themselves as old as they are. My mom loved her room in the nursing home and her life there but wouldn't join in activities for the same reason. She could still do crossword puzzles when she first moved there and considered herself "better" than the others. I simply had to accept that. She missed out on things but with her own phone and lots of visitors (and my daily time with her) she did okay.
Your dad would be safer in a memory unit but getting him there is the problem. Having him next door is excellent, however, and at least for now, that may be all you can do. He feels safe there and nowhere else. There's something to be said about that. Eventually, you may have to force a move.
Please keep us updated as you move forward. There are people on this forum who will have more input, I'm sure.
Carol see more
Considering that your dad is showing signs of confusion and likely dementia, he has more issues than my neighbor, but I wanted to use Joe as an example because this isn't unusual behavior for people who lose their hearing.
Nor is it unusual for someone to not want to be with the "old" people. Rarely do people see themselves as old as they are. My mom loved her room in the nursing home and her life there but wouldn't join in activities for the same reason. She could still do crossword puzzles when she first moved there and considered herself "better" than the others. I simply had to accept that. She missed out on things but with her own phone and lots of visitors (and my daily time with her) she did okay.
Your dad would be safer in a memory unit but getting him there is the problem. Having him next door is excellent, however, and at least for now, that may be all you can do. He feels safe there and nowhere else. There's something to be said about that. Eventually, you may have to force a move.
Please keep us updated as you move forward. There are people on this forum who will have more input, I'm sure.
Carol see more
Question
Anyone have or had a relative with colon cancer who can't go through treatment?
Blessings to you both. It's hard to watch your dad go downhill like this but the doctor is likely right. My mom showed symptoms of... Blessings to you both. It's hard to watch your dad go downhill like this but the doctor is likely right.
My mom showed symptoms of colon cancer but refused even a colonoscopy because she knew she couldn't undergo treatment even if they found cancer
. I went along with her wishes, telling her that I'd do whatever she wanted to do (or not do). She lived another 8 years though in the last years she needed substantial pain relief in a nursing home and she had hospice care for her last months.
Still, I believe she lived longer than she would have if she'd had surgery. I do think that surgery would have killed her or at least set her back cognitively much faster than the route she chose.
My sympathy to you. I know how hard this is.
Carol see more
My mom showed symptoms of colon cancer but refused even a colonoscopy because she knew she couldn't undergo treatment even if they found cancer
. I went along with her wishes, telling her that I'd do whatever she wanted to do (or not do). She lived another 8 years though in the last years she needed substantial pain relief in a nursing home and she had hospice care for her last months.
Still, I believe she lived longer than she would have if she'd had surgery. I do think that surgery would have killed her or at least set her back cognitively much faster than the route she chose.
My sympathy to you. I know how hard this is.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad has suddenly started talking about his sexual exploits as a young man in the Army. What do I do?
When the person with dementia suddenly becomes aware of our "technique" it really can throw us. I've been there and felt like... When the person with dementia suddenly becomes aware of our "technique" it really can throw us. I've been there and felt like I had the proverbial egg on my face. Yet, we must soldier on.
Sometimes just being caught trying to redirect will actually accomplish the purpose since that can start another conversation while we start literally walking away from the issue (using the parking lot example).
My dad, however, would keep going back to the issue. Then I just had to cope the best I could with the moment and move forward. We won't always have a "solution." That's one of the many things that makes caring for a person with dementia so difficult. We do our best and go forward.
I do think that most onlookers, when they realize that something is "wrong" with the person we are trying to redirect, are sympathetic rather than judgmental. That being said, I've had to cope with us being stared at as people think "what is wrong with those people?"
We do what we can and develop thicker skin. It's hard.
Carol see more
Sometimes just being caught trying to redirect will actually accomplish the purpose since that can start another conversation while we start literally walking away from the issue (using the parking lot example).
My dad, however, would keep going back to the issue. Then I just had to cope the best I could with the moment and move forward. We won't always have a "solution." That's one of the many things that makes caring for a person with dementia so difficult. We do our best and go forward.
I do think that most onlookers, when they realize that something is "wrong" with the person we are trying to redirect, are sympathetic rather than judgmental. That being said, I've had to cope with us being stared at as people think "what is wrong with those people?"
We do what we can and develop thicker skin. It's hard.
Carol see more
Question
Caregiver stress - Unhappy elder -- why???
Hi debdaughter, Sometimes spouses live in denial because it's too painful to accept the reality that their life partner is dying. Also,... Hi debdaughter,
Sometimes spouses live in denial because it's too painful to accept the reality that their life partner is dying. Also, the older generation didn't have access to hospice care and many had/have a misunderstanding about what hospice does now that it is available. I experienceed what you are describing with two elders (not my parents) who couldn't be with their spouses during the last days. I try not to judge that. It's part of their history, their pain and their denial. Sometimes what you are describing is lack of love, but in the cases I witnessed it was more fear and denial.
Take care of yourself. You sound like a kind, loving person who - like all of us - is just trying to figure out these mysteries.
Carol see more
Sometimes spouses live in denial because it's too painful to accept the reality that their life partner is dying. Also, the older generation didn't have access to hospice care and many had/have a misunderstanding about what hospice does now that it is available. I experienceed what you are describing with two elders (not my parents) who couldn't be with their spouses during the last days. I try not to judge that. It's part of their history, their pain and their denial. Sometimes what you are describing is lack of love, but in the cases I witnessed it was more fear and denial.
Take care of yourself. You sound like a kind, loving person who - like all of us - is just trying to figure out these mysteries.
Carol see more
Question
Dad and brother refuse to make any changes. Any advice?
MaggieMarshall makes some very good points but so do the others. It's not easy to put it all together from a distance, but I'd... MaggieMarshall makes some very good points but so do the others. It's not easy to put it all together from a distance, but I'd advise you to read through all of the terrific responses on this thread and see what seems to fit the situation the best at this time.
It's possible that your brother is where he wants to be, but it's also possible that he is too depressed to move forward and make changes. If you believe the second is what is going on, the adult protective services may be a good idea.
Your dad deserves care and your brother's emotional health is shaky. That leads me to lean toward an intervention by social workers to check things out.
Whatever you decide, please keep us updated on your situation. We can lend support even if we can't fix the issue.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
It's possible that your brother is where he wants to be, but it's also possible that he is too depressed to move forward and make changes. If you believe the second is what is going on, the adult protective services may be a good idea.
Your dad deserves care and your brother's emotional health is shaky. That leads me to lean toward an intervention by social workers to check things out.
Whatever you decide, please keep us updated on your situation. We can lend support even if we can't fix the issue.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Mom's problem solving abilities are next to nothing, but also can put her in danger. Is she ready for AL?
Most older people (and many younger ones!) don't like change, so moving to AL could be something that she'd fight at first.... Most older people (and many younger ones!) don't like change, so moving to AL could be something that she'd fight at first. However, in my experience, when there are good facilities available the people moving into AL start feeling safe quite soon after the move which is huge. Then, little by little they will start socializing. This can make a huge difference.
Everyone is different and not every community has good choices for AL. However, I do think that your mom needs something, so AL would be a good option. If that won't work, in-home care may.
Please keep us updated on how you get on with making this decision. Support on Agingcare should help.
Carol see more
Everyone is different and not every community has good choices for AL. However, I do think that your mom needs something, so AL would be a good option. If that won't work, in-home care may.
Please keep us updated on how you get on with making this decision. Support on Agingcare should help.
Carol see more
Question
If I'm my mother's Power of Attorney can I sign papers to sell her house?
In most situations, money for these items belongs to your mother. If your sister sold the items she needs to deposit the money into you... In most situations, money for these items belongs to your mother. If your sister sold the items she needs to deposit the money into you mom's account. Medicaid could ask for receipts if/when your mom goes on the program. Much depends on if you want to confront your sister or not.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My father-in-law (92) has scary, glazing eyes one day and the next he is alert and bright eyed. What does tha...
My dad had the same thing. We could tell by his eyes that it was a "bad" day. You just have to roll with it in general. If you... My dad had the same thing. We could tell by his eyes that it was a "bad" day. You just have to roll with it in general. If you see increased occurances than alert the doctor.
Take care of yourself,
carol see more
Take care of yourself,
carol see more
Question
My Mom sees me as my Dad when I am with her. What do I do?
I echo the great suggestions here. You likely look quite a lot like your dad did when he was young so your mom gets confused. The... I echo the great suggestions here. You likely look quite a lot like your dad did when he was young so your mom gets confused. The complication comes because your parents had a miserable marriage so that makes you the bad guy.
Old pictures can be a big help, plus gentle reminders that you are her son. Distractions can help, too.
The main thing is to try not to take this personally. She can't help it. You may have to accept that you won't be viewed with the love a son deserves, but that is one of the horrible things about this disease. Since apparently your siblings also see her, you can give yourself some breaks without guilt. As Sooz55 said, "Just let it go, no one wins on points with dementia."
Please keep us updated. You'll continue to find many people on this site who can relate.
Take care of yourself!
Carol see more
Old pictures can be a big help, plus gentle reminders that you are her son. Distractions can help, too.
The main thing is to try not to take this personally. She can't help it. You may have to accept that you won't be viewed with the love a son deserves, but that is one of the horrible things about this disease. Since apparently your siblings also see her, you can give yourself some breaks without guilt. As Sooz55 said, "Just let it go, no one wins on points with dementia."
Please keep us updated. You'll continue to find many people on this site who can relate.
Take care of yourself!
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicaid 5yr look back come after us for using my parents money to help with bills?
I echo the excellent advice of everyone who has chimed in. Please see an elder law attorney asap. As was mentioned, the law isn't... I echo the excellent advice of everyone who has chimed in. Please see an elder law attorney asap. As was mentioned, the law isn't necessarily fair, but it is the law. You need expert legal help to sort this out.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
Why are DNR's not banned and why is there still talk about legalizing euthanasia?
Flowgo, you're mother's situation is not the norm. I can see why you are shocked and angry. In most cases DNRs serve a positive... Flowgo, you're mother's situation is not the norm. I can see why you are shocked and angry.
In most cases DNRs serve a positive purpose for those of us who no not wish to linger in an artificial "life" attached to machines. There's a movement to change the words to what they truly mean which is allow natural death (AND).
To be healthy and drugged into a coma for no reason is unconscionable no matter what the person's age and that should be a legal matter. But to be at an age where the cure for the disease is worse than allowing nature's course and offering comfort care (as noted by Captain) is completely different. Many times the "cure" is far worse than allowing natural death and then, after the "cure," the person dies anyway.
I'm shocked by your story, but I don't believe that is what DNRs are all about. I'd be horrified if I were left unable to make that choice should my health be in such a state that keeping my body alive will simply trap my soul.
Again, I'm not only saddened but shocked by your story. My deepest condolences.
Carol see more
In most cases DNRs serve a positive purpose for those of us who no not wish to linger in an artificial "life" attached to machines. There's a movement to change the words to what they truly mean which is allow natural death (AND).
To be healthy and drugged into a coma for no reason is unconscionable no matter what the person's age and that should be a legal matter. But to be at an age where the cure for the disease is worse than allowing nature's course and offering comfort care (as noted by Captain) is completely different. Many times the "cure" is far worse than allowing natural death and then, after the "cure," the person dies anyway.
I'm shocked by your story, but I don't believe that is what DNRs are all about. I'd be horrified if I were left unable to make that choice should my health be in such a state that keeping my body alive will simply trap my soul.
Again, I'm not only saddened but shocked by your story. My deepest condolences.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had success with natural nontoxic non-pharmaceutical remedies for dementia/Alzheimer's?
A combination of B12, B6 and folic acid along with fish oil has been shown effective by Oxford University (UK). Also, the NIH had run a... A combination of B12, B6 and folic acid along with fish oil has been shown effective by Oxford University (UK). Also, the NIH had run a study that shows aromatherapy with essential oil rosemary (inhaled by breathing over bottle) helpful. There are no cures but these won't hurt (unless there's another underlying medical condition that contraindicates this). May help.
We'd like to hear if you find anything that helps.
Good luck,
Carol see more
We'd like to hear if you find anything that helps.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone seem to find their parent is almost two people?
Chimonger, how wise you are. As you say, the forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. That enables you to move forward with your... Chimonger, how wise you are. As you say, the forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. That enables you to move forward with your own life. After all that you've been through you can still say that love is the answer. Your full sentence is a gem: Love is still the answer...just for some, it needs to be from a safe distance. Thanks so much for adding your wisdom. I hope you'll continue to check in.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My husband's Alzheimer's Disease seems to have changed and he is sleeping most of the time. Is this a sign of...
To answer your last question first, people can live from a few months to 20 years after diagnosis but 6 to 8 years is most common. I think... To answer your last question first, people can live from a few months to 20 years after diagnosis but 6 to 8 years is most common.
I think that the first thing you should do is go to the Alzheimer's Association website at alz.org and become as educated about the disease as possible, starting with their brain tour. If you have an Alzheimer's organization in your community, get in touch with them, too.
Alzheimer’s caregiving is a long road and can be very frustrating. The more you know and the more support you get from people who've been in your shoes, the better off you'll be.
Please keep coming back here for emotional support and practical information from others who care for their loved one with AD.
Please start right away taking care of yourself. Self-care isn't selfish - it's vital to make it for the long-run.
Carol see more
I think that the first thing you should do is go to the Alzheimer's Association website at alz.org and become as educated about the disease as possible, starting with their brain tour. If you have an Alzheimer's organization in your community, get in touch with them, too.
Alzheimer’s caregiving is a long road and can be very frustrating. The more you know and the more support you get from people who've been in your shoes, the better off you'll be.
Please keep coming back here for emotional support and practical information from others who care for their loved one with AD.
Please start right away taking care of yourself. Self-care isn't selfish - it's vital to make it for the long-run.
Carol see more
Question
How can my mother get kicked out of the rehabilitation facility when the doctor said she could wait 6 weeks be...
It sounds to me like she still needs to be in the hospital, but if not the patient advocate for the hospital should be able to advise you.... It sounds to me like she still needs to be in the hospital, but if not the patient advocate for the hospital should be able to advise you. Medicare laws are changing somewhat when it comes to therapy, but she may not be able to stay there unless she is making progress. Again, the patient advocate for the hospital/rehab should be able to advise you of her rights.
Please keep us updated on what is happening.
Carol see more
Please keep us updated on what is happening.
Carol see more
Question
For the past 2 years Mom's been slipping; now she's been lying and fooling everyone. How do I get them to see?
SadiePi , want to add to my comments above that, looking from your earlier statements, you mother thinks that you've betrayed her.... SadiePi , want to add to my comments above that, looking from your earlier statements, you mother thinks that you've betrayed her. That, too, isn't unusual when dementia is part of the mix. Many of us have been there, though you've got a lot tougher situation that most. Again, I want to stress that legal help is a good idea, but seeing a counselor and/or doctor for yourself is a must.
Above all, take care of yourself in this dilemma.
Carol see more
Above all, take care of yourself in this dilemma.
Carol see more
Question
For the past 2 years Mom's been slipping; now she's been lying and fooling everyone. How do I get them to see?
SadiePi , many of us have spent years not earning so that we can stay home to care for loved ones, only to find that as time goes on... SadiePi , many of us have spent years not earning so that we can stay home to care for loved ones, only to find that as time goes on it's hard to recoup our financial losses (impossible in most cases).
You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.
I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.
You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.
We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.
I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.
You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.
We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mother is not herself with memory, having depression and resistance seeing a Neurologist. Advice?
Our elders putting on as "show" for the doctor seems a common factor for may of us as we try to get them medical help. My mother... Our elders putting on as "show" for the doctor seems a common factor for may of us as we try to get them medical help. My mother was a champion at that. It was so hard to get anyone to understand the state of her mind since she would be so with it and charming on demand. At least you'll know that you are understood here - many of us have had similar experiences.
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Please keep us updated.
Carol see more
Question
How do you pay for Alzheimer’s memory care?”
It's good to start with your local Area Agency on Aging or your state aging commission. They can lead you to how to apply for Medicaid... It's good to start with your local Area Agency on Aging or your state aging commission. They can lead you to how to apply for Medicaid which is how people without any assets can be placed for nursing home care.
Good luck with the process. If you have trouble doing it all yourself, call social services and ask how to get help.
Carol see more
Good luck with the process. If you have trouble doing it all yourself, call social services and ask how to get help.
Carol see more
My Mother's skin smells different. Is there a way to make it smell better?
This can also come from vitamin deficiencies or over use of antibiotics (probiotics may help). Unless this is very disturbing, you may want to accept it as part of aging. I've never felt that most people smell "old" but I guess some do. Generally, there's a health issue at the bottom of anything significant (absent soap reactions, etc.).
If the ASL has no idea you may want to run it by the doctor.
We'd love to have you check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more