Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Why does NH take away Dad's prescription medications?
Hi Marciad5, This can seem like just one more frustration in the transition to nursing home care, but the three smart people who provided... Hi Marciad5,
This can seem like just one more frustration in the transition to nursing home care, but the three smart people who provided insight already gave a pretty complete picture of why this happens.
Since the skin cream seems to be the only medication issue, it's possible that the doctor in charge is not well versed about how necessary this is for you dad's comfort.
They do try to keep prescriptions to a minimum because of side effects (yes, skin creams are absorbed and can cause non-skin-realted side effects). I'd start with the floor nurse and move forward to having his previous doctor follow through if necessary. It may take some pushing on your part, but I think that they will follow through. The cream will likely be kept by the nurse to safeguard other patients.
Please keep us updated on this. Your question and the answers that follow will help others.
Take care,
Carol see more
This can seem like just one more frustration in the transition to nursing home care, but the three smart people who provided insight already gave a pretty complete picture of why this happens.
Since the skin cream seems to be the only medication issue, it's possible that the doctor in charge is not well versed about how necessary this is for you dad's comfort.
They do try to keep prescriptions to a minimum because of side effects (yes, skin creams are absorbed and can cause non-skin-realted side effects). I'd start with the floor nurse and move forward to having his previous doctor follow through if necessary. It may take some pushing on your part, but I think that they will follow through. The cream will likely be kept by the nurse to safeguard other patients.
Please keep us updated on this. Your question and the answers that follow will help others.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My loved one has decided to stop dialysis. What can we do to support her decision?
Good point and one I should have made. Since I'm such a supporter of hospice, I'm made the mistake of assuming that she your loved... Good point and one I should have made. Since I'm such a supporter of hospice, I'm made the mistake of assuming that she your loved one was already under hospice care. If she is not, that's the first thing to do. They will keep her as comfortable as possible and support you throughout so that you can focus on being a family.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with putting my husband in a nursing facility? He has dementia.
Yes, MickeyS, it's time. With dementia, there often does come a time when we, alone can't manage. Sometimes this move is for the... Yes, MickeyS, it's time. With dementia, there often does come a time when we, alone can't manage. Sometimes this move is for the caregiver's safety as well as that of the ill person. Work with the doctor to place him in care. Then you can go back to being his support without having to worry so much.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My loved one has decided to stop dialysis. What can we do to support her decision?
GardenArtist provided a beautiful answer for you. I completely agree. Make the most of these days. I've heard from many people... GardenArtist provided a beautiful answer for you. I completely agree.
Make the most of these days. I've heard from many people who've wished that they'd allowed more time together before death instead of fighting a battle that they know they will lose.
Express your love, let her know that you understand her decision, and do what she has the energy and the will to do. This is precious time to be used for the good of all.
Going through the death process together can offer dignity and peace to the person who is dying and rewarding memories for those who attend the dying person.
You will grieve, but you will support each other through it all. You'll still feel her with you after her body has given up. Many of us have been in similar situations and remember our experiences as some of the most powerful of our lives.
Blessings to your all.
Carol see more
Make the most of these days. I've heard from many people who've wished that they'd allowed more time together before death instead of fighting a battle that they know they will lose.
Express your love, let her know that you understand her decision, and do what she has the energy and the will to do. This is precious time to be used for the good of all.
Going through the death process together can offer dignity and peace to the person who is dying and rewarding memories for those who attend the dying person.
You will grieve, but you will support each other through it all. You'll still feel her with you after her body has given up. Many of us have been in similar situations and remember our experiences as some of the most powerful of our lives.
Blessings to your all.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom has some money saved but also has credit card bills. Should we pay off those cards?
I agree that talking with an elderlaw attorney who knows your state's Medicaid rules is a good idea. Every state is somewhat different... I agree that talking with an elderlaw attorney who knows your state's Medicaid rules is a good idea. Every state is somewhat different so your approach should be based on that. It's worth checking with a local expert just to be sure that you're making the right decisions based on your state laws.
We love to have you keep us updated on how you are doing,
Carol see more
We love to have you keep us updated on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
My mother-in-law has dementia and seems unaware of her incontinence. How can I get her to wear Depends?
Hanging up dirty clothes to wear again sounds like a memory issue. Dementia often makes a person unable to attend to the need to use the... Hanging up dirty clothes to wear again sounds like a memory issue. Dementia often makes a person unable to attend to the need to use the bathroom even if the sensation is there, as well. Whatever is causing her problem - well, it's a problem for you. This is a common issue and the ideas already listed are good ones.
Experimentation with getting her to the toilet every few hours may help.
Also, sometimes hiring an in-home caregiver can help because our parents often don't like us telling them about their unpleasant yet uncontrollable issues. It's easier to accept guidance from an aide than a "child."
Incontinence is one of the leading causes of family caregivers deciding that facility care is needed. My heart goes out to you with this challenge. Please keep reading to see what others can suggest.
Carol see more
Experimentation with getting her to the toilet every few hours may help.
Also, sometimes hiring an in-home caregiver can help because our parents often don't like us telling them about their unpleasant yet uncontrollable issues. It's easier to accept guidance from an aide than a "child."
Incontinence is one of the leading causes of family caregivers deciding that facility care is needed. My heart goes out to you with this challenge. Please keep reading to see what others can suggest.
Carol see more
Question
Is it normal to have frequent insomnia while caregiving?
Sleep problems are rampant these days, but I think caregivers may have even more problems than the average person. We never know when we... Sleep problems are rampant these days, but I think caregivers may have even more problems than the average person. We never know when we have to spring into action so it's hard to totally let go and relax into sleep.
Ideally, exercise as suggested would be the best answer. Meditation can help, as well. Clearing our minds is tough but exercise and meditation can go a long way toward doing that.
There are some natural sleep remedies available that don't have the dependency or side effect issues of many prescriptions but it's best to clear that with your doctor if you take any other medications or have health issues.
It's recommended that we stay away from computer and smart phone light for several hours before sleep, too. I'm a reader so that works for me but I know that prying our eyes off the computer can be tough - especially when time alone is at a premium.
Keep the ideas coming! This is a huge issue across the board.
Carol see more
Ideally, exercise as suggested would be the best answer. Meditation can help, as well. Clearing our minds is tough but exercise and meditation can go a long way toward doing that.
There are some natural sleep remedies available that don't have the dependency or side effect issues of many prescriptions but it's best to clear that with your doctor if you take any other medications or have health issues.
It's recommended that we stay away from computer and smart phone light for several hours before sleep, too. I'm a reader so that works for me but I know that prying our eyes off the computer can be tough - especially when time alone is at a premium.
Keep the ideas coming! This is a huge issue across the board.
Carol see more
Question
Aunty is coming home from NH rehab in 2 days!! How do I deal with this upcoming stress?
Good idea from mar126 - a nurse should be able to see that this is not a long-term solution and help you find a different option. Your... Good idea from mar126 - a nurse should be able to see that this is not a long-term solution and help you find a different option. Your having to cancel your own doctor appointments because you can't leave isn't a good option - she needs to know that. see more
Question
Aunty is coming home from NH rehab in 2 days!! How do I deal with this upcoming stress?
Considering your own multiple health problems, it seems to me like you have more than enough stress just taking care of your own needs. ... Considering your own multiple health problems, it seems to me like you have more than enough stress just taking care of your own needs.
While you may be "stuck" since your aunt is being discharged you may get lucky and find an opening in a nursing facility. Yes, she will cry and not want to go. Strokes can make people have crying "breakdowns." I'm not down playing your aunt's distress but her emotions may be over the top from her strokes as well as the trauma of the hip. That’s understandable. But you are looking for the best, overall, for your family.
If you can't place your aunt quickly, then she'll have to come home with you, but keep looking for a facility that can take her. Most of us hate to see our loved ones upset and your aunt is bound to fight this move. But how can you possibly take decent care of yourself and still tend to her needs?
Sometimes the best for our loved one is to have younger, stronger bodies do the heavy lifting. You could visit daily if the facility is close and that is what you want to do. At least you could visit frequently and be her advocate to make certain she gets the care that she needs.
Accidents will happen - no facility other than those that only very wealthy people can afford - will offer one on one care. However, if the care is satisfactory over all, this is probably your best option.
Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.
Take care of yourself - it's vital that you do so.
Carol see more
While you may be "stuck" since your aunt is being discharged you may get lucky and find an opening in a nursing facility. Yes, she will cry and not want to go. Strokes can make people have crying "breakdowns." I'm not down playing your aunt's distress but her emotions may be over the top from her strokes as well as the trauma of the hip. That’s understandable. But you are looking for the best, overall, for your family.
If you can't place your aunt quickly, then she'll have to come home with you, but keep looking for a facility that can take her. Most of us hate to see our loved ones upset and your aunt is bound to fight this move. But how can you possibly take decent care of yourself and still tend to her needs?
Sometimes the best for our loved one is to have younger, stronger bodies do the heavy lifting. You could visit daily if the facility is close and that is what you want to do. At least you could visit frequently and be her advocate to make certain she gets the care that she needs.
Accidents will happen - no facility other than those that only very wealthy people can afford - will offer one on one care. However, if the care is satisfactory over all, this is probably your best option.
Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.
Take care of yourself - it's vital that you do so.
Carol see more
Question
Memory care is expensive. Did anyone else have to supply the toilet paper?
I think assisted living is viewed more like having an apartment so supplying toilet paper makes more sense. But a memory unit is like a... I think assisted living is viewed more like having an apartment so supplying toilet paper makes more sense. But a memory unit is like a nursing home in most instances so I'm surprised about the toilet paper. However, if the unit is in an assisted living facility, that may explain the rule.
At any rate, it the important things are okay, supplying toilet paper is an inconvenience but not a deal breaker. It will be interesting to see what others have experienced.
Carol see more
At any rate, it the important things are okay, supplying toilet paper is an inconvenience but not a deal breaker. It will be interesting to see what others have experienced.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is scared to die and I don't want to let her go. Any advice?
I agree that hospice is generally a wonderful route to go. They have chaplains who are aware that there are all kinds of religious beliefs... I agree that hospice is generally a wonderful route to go. They have chaplains who are aware that there are all kinds of religious beliefs so they work with the patient and family. Also, as suggested, there are clergy or spiritual leaders outside of hospice who are non-denominational.
I saw my uncle reaching for his long-deceases wife as he died. He sensed or saw something there. I encouraged my mom to go meet Dad who was waiting for her.
I do believe it's often easier for those of use with a belief in some sort of spiritual afterlife. But it's nearly always hard to let go, and often people who are dying feel that they are abandoning their loved ones left behind. Assuring your mother that you'll be okay may help her.
Seeking support for both of you is essential. This was a first step. Many of us have been in your shoes. We are with you.
Blessings to your and your mom. Please keep us updated on how your are doing.
Carol see more
I saw my uncle reaching for his long-deceases wife as he died. He sensed or saw something there. I encouraged my mom to go meet Dad who was waiting for her.
I do believe it's often easier for those of use with a belief in some sort of spiritual afterlife. But it's nearly always hard to let go, and often people who are dying feel that they are abandoning their loved ones left behind. Assuring your mother that you'll be okay may help her.
Seeking support for both of you is essential. This was a first step. Many of us have been in your shoes. We are with you.
Blessings to your and your mom. Please keep us updated on how your are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Would like to move parents on Medicaid from one state to another. Any suggestions?
I'd contact the Medicaid people in the county where you live and ask them what steps you need to take. Every state has differing... I'd contact the Medicaid people in the county where you live and ask them what steps you need to take. Every state has differing policies with Medicaid so it's best to start early since a switch will need to be made.
Good luck with this. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Good luck with this. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom needs to be stimulated mentally and physically. Does music therapy work?
Music and art are both therapeutic. Many people with dementia find new talents when they are given these opportunities. Others just want to... Music and art are both therapeutic. Many people with dementia find new talents when they are given these opportunities. Others just want to listen to music from their youth or even well known hymns.
MP3 players can be loaded with favorites, so that's a simple way to put them together. I had to keep changing my dad's CDs, which was fine but harder to keep up.
I hope that music and or art will help your mom. I know finding just the right thing isn't easy. Also, some days will be better than others, but I'd give it a try.
Take care,
Carol see more
MP3 players can be loaded with favorites, so that's a simple way to put them together. I had to keep changing my dad's CDs, which was fine but harder to keep up.
I hope that music and or art will help your mom. I know finding just the right thing isn't easy. Also, some days will be better than others, but I'd give it a try.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Paid companion delights Mom but worries me. Should I talk to her company?
Good point, Maggie, that Mom could be exaggerating. However, I agree that with the accumulation of claims by the mother, it's better to... Good point, Maggie, that Mom could be exaggerating. However, I agree that with the accumulation of claims by the mother, it's better to be safe than horribly sorry.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What stage of dementia is when they will not talk?
I agree with everyone here. This sounds like end-of-life behavior. You've been fortunate to have her this long. If she is uncomfortable... I agree with everyone here. This sounds like end-of-life behavior. You've been fortunate to have her this long. If she is uncomfortable you may want to call on hospice. They can help make those last months or days much more comfortable.
Take care. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Take care. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Paid companion delights Mom but worries me. Should I talk to her company?
Yes, report this woman and find someone else. Your Mom won't like it but you need to try to protect her. It's one thing to sneak an... Yes, report this woman and find someone else. Your Mom won't like it but you need to try to protect her. It's one thing to sneak an extra cookie that the care receiver wants and another to forge a signature.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
The bank will not let me transfer my mom's money because she does not have a valid ID. What are my options?
I agree that there needs to be some kind of legal authority here such a Power Of Attorney. You may have to ask for some legal assistance... I agree that there needs to be some kind of legal authority here such a Power Of Attorney. You may have to ask for some legal assistance since state laws can vary. Often an attorney will give a free or low cost intake session. If not, check your state's attorney's office and ask what to do.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do early dementia people tell angry stories...especially in the morning and before bedtime?
Wonderful comments from everyone. It does seem like a visit to the doctor to ask about medication is a good idea. Over medicating isn't... Wonderful comments from everyone. It does seem like a visit to the doctor to ask about medication is a good idea. Over medicating isn't good, but the right medication at the right time can be very effective for some people. As was mentioned, everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for another so experimentation may be needed.
Good luck!
Carol see more
Good luck!
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with continually being accused of stealing money?
I think the reference to help would be to go to the Alzheimer's Association (you can look online at alz.org) and find an organization... I think the reference to help would be to go to the Alzheimer's Association (you can look online at alz.org) and find an organization in your area. If your phone book lists an Alzheimer's organization near you they might even be able to send out a social worker for an interview if you'd like. Either way, the Alzheimer's Association as well as the Alzheimer's Foundation of America offer a lot of information and education on their websites.
Education does help though it can't always take away the pain.
Carol see more
Education does help though it can't always take away the pain.
Carol see more
Mother is not herself with memory, having depression and resistance seeing a Neurologist. Advice?
A neurologist may not be necessary, but a doctor should be seeing your mom regularly. At 91, she needs care, but whether or not moving her to your state is the right move is questionable. I'd see the elder law attorney again to research alternative options for your mom's care.
Please update us on how you are doing,
Carol see more