Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How long can someone live without food or fluid?
It doesn't sound like she has long to live. If the IV drip is for hydration that could extend the dying process but if it's for... It doesn't sound like she has long to live. If the IV drip is for hydration that could extend the dying process but if it's for pain, which is likely, she's likely in the death process. I'm sorry that you have to go through this but if they are keeping her comfortable then that's the best that can be done.
Take care of yourself, Helen. Many of us have been through this.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself, Helen. Many of us have been through this.
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with continually being accused of stealing money?
Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away... Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away logic. Add that to memory loss and it's easy to understand why people think someone is taking their things (or money).
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Question
How do I cope with continually being accused of stealing money?
Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away... Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away logic. Add that to memory loss and it's easy to understand why people think someone is taking their things (or money).
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
Yes, BonnieMac, there are worse things than death. My grandmother would just say that she was tired, she'd lived a long life and she... Yes, BonnieMac, there are worse things than death. My grandmother would just say that she was tired, she'd lived a long life and she wanted to go. Her death process took longer than we'd have wanted and there was no hospice comfort care at that time, so it was hard. But we could hardly mourn her passing. We missed her - still do - but we knew that she was at peace. Very old people are often ready - especially if they have a strong faith.
Thanks everyone for the insightful comments!
Carol see more
Thanks everyone for the insightful comments!
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when disagree with doctors?
You're right, cmagnum. It's confusing. I'm not completely sure about everything being addressed either, but I hope Sandy is... You're right, cmagnum. It's confusing. I'm not completely sure about everything being addressed either, but I hope Sandy is getting something from the various comments. The only thing I can boil it down to is that she needs a second opinion to guide her through a very difficult situation.
Thanks to everyone for the comments. Sandy, we'll keep trying to help if you want to give us feedback.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol see more
Thanks to everyone for the comments. Sandy, we'll keep trying to help if you want to give us feedback.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
Please don't feel guilty. You've got so much hurt from your childhood and your dad is still being difficult. Let others do the... Please don't feel guilty. You've got so much hurt from your childhood and your dad is still being difficult. Let others do the hands-on care. If you are dragging a lot of guilt, a few sessions with a good counselor can be very helpful.
One note: To forgive helps you and doesn't mean that you forget. It simply means that you have let go of the pain that they have caused you. Something to consider if you seek counseling.
If you can make peace with your parents before they die, that's good for you (I'm not worried about them). But if you can't, then you can't. Take care of yourself. Carol see more
One note: To forgive helps you and doesn't mean that you forget. It simply means that you have let go of the pain that they have caused you. Something to consider if you seek counseling.
If you can make peace with your parents before they die, that's good for you (I'm not worried about them). But if you can't, then you can't. Take care of yourself. Carol see more
Question
What do you do when disagree with doctors?
The days where the doctor was God are gone. When we disagree with doctors we have the right to look for a second opinion. I admire and... The days where the doctor was God are gone. When we disagree with doctors we have the right to look for a second opinion.
I admire and respect the profession and have met countless professionals who are at the top of their game. Unfortunately, I've seen and coped with several who were either behind the times or had such a terrific opinion of themselves that there was no communicating with them.
Seeking a second opinion is sometimes necessary. Good luck with your situation.
Carol see more
I admire and respect the profession and have met countless professionals who are at the top of their game. Unfortunately, I've seen and coped with several who were either behind the times or had such a terrific opinion of themselves that there was no communicating with them.
Seeking a second opinion is sometimes necessary. Good luck with your situation.
Carol see more
Question
I have a motorized stairlift I would like to donate to a veteran in CT. How do I do this?
Thanks so much! In addition to the suggestions above you can look for any place in your community that takes excess medical equipment or... Thanks so much! In addition to the suggestions above you can look for any place in your community that takes excess medical equipment or just call every service club around your community such as the Lions Club. Even the police may know of someone.
Also Freecycle.org is around the country. You list things online and people come to pick it up. It's a terrific way to get transfers like this taken care of. Just go to www. freecycle.org and sign up.
This is a generous gift so please don't give up. Let us know what happens if you can, okay?
Thanks,
Carol see more
Also Freecycle.org is around the country. You list things online and people come to pick it up. It's a terrific way to get transfers like this taken care of. Just go to www. freecycle.org and sign up.
This is a generous gift so please don't give up. Let us know what happens if you can, okay?
Thanks,
Carol see more
Question
What happens in the process of calling a local AOA?
Thanks for the update, SlaterVixenCare. You are doing your best. This will be emotional and you are aware that the reaction isn't... Thanks for the update, SlaterVixenCare. You are doing your best. This will be emotional and you are aware that the reaction isn't likely to be good. That being said, you need to stick with your plans. Put things in place and then move. Please do let us know how you're doing as this moves forward.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Can I force nursing staff to get my daughter out of bed and into her chair?
It sounds as if there's more to this than this one incident of them not putting your daughter into her chair when you think she should... It sounds as if there's more to this than this one incident of them not putting your daughter into her chair when you think she should be there. Is the care staff open to communication? Is the nursing staff capable? Are the hands-on caregivers generally good? These are all things to consider. Sometimes a non-confrontational meeting with the staff to discuss differences can do wonders.
Other times, there's a fundamental issue in that the home isn't providing good care or the family wants a different style of care for the person in the facility. If the facility is consistently a problem, I'd suggest that you talk to the ombudsman about your daughter's rights. You can find the ombudsman by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. They provide an interactive map to help you find the right contact.
I hope that this works out for you. Many of us care for adult children which can be just as - if not more - worrisome than caring for our aging parents.
Take care,
Carol see more
Other times, there's a fundamental issue in that the home isn't providing good care or the family wants a different style of care for the person in the facility. If the facility is consistently a problem, I'd suggest that you talk to the ombudsman about your daughter's rights. You can find the ombudsman by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. They provide an interactive map to help you find the right contact.
I hope that this works out for you. Many of us care for adult children which can be just as - if not more - worrisome than caring for our aging parents.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Surveillance cameras, are we doing the right thing?
The fact that she has some cognitive impairment from a stroke does change the picture. You've handled this beautifully. I love how you... The fact that she has some cognitive impairment from a stroke does change the picture. You've handled this beautifully. I love how you showed her just how much you could see by sitting on the toilet and also that you've made a big point that only you can see what is on the camera.
She apparently has the ability to understand this much logic and you have wonderful instincts. She'll eventually need to move to some care situation or allow people in, but for now you are doing what you can while preserving her right to make decisions. Many people do exceptionally well in care facilities, however getting them to make that move can be very difficult. I hope that she will gradually learn to accept more help of some form.
Take care,
Carol see more
She apparently has the ability to understand this much logic and you have wonderful instincts. She'll eventually need to move to some care situation or allow people in, but for now you are doing what you can while preserving her right to make decisions. Many people do exceptionally well in care facilities, however getting them to make that move can be very difficult. I hope that she will gradually learn to accept more help of some form.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Surveillance cameras, are we doing the right thing?
Excellent points. The ability to make a deal depends on cognitive ability. This didn't sound like a dementia issue, but if it is, then... Excellent points.
The ability to make a deal depends on cognitive ability. This didn't sound like a dementia issue, but if it is, then more often than not, people need to be placed somewhere for help whether or not they agree.
As far as the camera under the bed - clever indeed! That's one to remember.
Carol see more
The ability to make a deal depends on cognitive ability. This didn't sound like a dementia issue, but if it is, then more often than not, people need to be placed somewhere for help whether or not they agree.
As far as the camera under the bed - clever indeed! That's one to remember.
Carol see more
Question
Surveillance cameras, are we doing the right thing?
Hi junglechicken, Frankly I can see why your mom hates the camera - I know that my mother would have felt the same way. However, your... Hi junglechicken,
Frankly I can see why your mom hates the camera - I know that my mother would have felt the same way. However, your mother is in the extreme when it comes to refusing help of any kind. Everishlass mentioned making a deal with your mom.
That was good thinking on her part so you may want to try that first.
My dear elderly friend was much like your mom, though he'd wear the alarm necklace IF I went over and put it on him daily. Otherwise, he'd accept no help except for me. His final fall came later in the day after I'd put the necklace on him. He'd broken his hip and was able to alert me. However, when I think back on Joe, I know that he'd have preferred to die alone on his floor to having in-home help or cameras. Some people are like that and it can be very trying to do anything about it. When it comes to the dignity of choice vs. safety, it's nearly impossible to do what is right because the two things can be so at odds.
Unless your mother is considered cognitively impaired, you'll continue to have problems getting her to accept help. Try what Everishlass suggested. We can hope that it works.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Frankly I can see why your mom hates the camera - I know that my mother would have felt the same way. However, your mother is in the extreme when it comes to refusing help of any kind. Everishlass mentioned making a deal with your mom.
That was good thinking on her part so you may want to try that first.
My dear elderly friend was much like your mom, though he'd wear the alarm necklace IF I went over and put it on him daily. Otherwise, he'd accept no help except for me. His final fall came later in the day after I'd put the necklace on him. He'd broken his hip and was able to alert me. However, when I think back on Joe, I know that he'd have preferred to die alone on his floor to having in-home help or cameras. Some people are like that and it can be very trying to do anything about it. When it comes to the dignity of choice vs. safety, it's nearly impossible to do what is right because the two things can be so at odds.
Unless your mother is considered cognitively impaired, you'll continue to have problems getting her to accept help. Try what Everishlass suggested. We can hope that it works.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
How do I put money aside for a funeral?
Most funeral homes have a way to prepay a funeral and Medicaid will consider that protected funds. You may want to check this out with... Most funeral homes have a way to prepay a funeral and Medicaid will consider that protected funds. You may want to check this out with Social Services first if your mother is already on Medicaid. If they okay this, then find a reputable funeral home and set up a plan.
Make sure that this funeral home has a way that the funds are protected even if they go out of business. Most states have this safeguard in place but you might want to check this out to be sure.
Take care,
Carol see more
Make sure that this funeral home has a way that the funds are protected even if they go out of business. Most states have this safeguard in place but you might want to check this out to be sure.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My uncle abruptly stopped walking in his 7th year of AD. Do we need to accept he will never walk again?
Wonderful comments from the community as always. I'd agree that this is likely part of the dementia process, but I also agree with... Wonderful comments from the community as always.
I'd agree that this is likely part of the dementia process, but I also agree with mar126 that every effort should be made to see if pain is the reason for inactivity rather than brain failure.
Pain is a complicated issue for elders with dementia since they often can't say what hurts and sometimes aren't even aware that pain is the issue. All we can do is our best, which in this case would mean to see if there seems to be a physical issue other than AD that is causing this change. If not, then the doctor is likely right in that this is part of the progression of the disease. Please keep us posted on how he is doing.
Carol see more
I'd agree that this is likely part of the dementia process, but I also agree with mar126 that every effort should be made to see if pain is the reason for inactivity rather than brain failure.
Pain is a complicated issue for elders with dementia since they often can't say what hurts and sometimes aren't even aware that pain is the issue. All we can do is our best, which in this case would mean to see if there seems to be a physical issue other than AD that is causing this change. If not, then the doctor is likely right in that this is part of the progression of the disease. Please keep us posted on how he is doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom's name was on my checking acct. Can Medicaid come after me for payment?
Give them all of the vital information. As mentioned, it may depend on how the names were listed. If necessary, see a elder law attorney.... Give them all of the vital information. As mentioned, it may depend on how the names were listed. If necessary, see a elder law attorney. Good luck! Please keep us posted.
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Carol see more
Question
Why does your Mom (81) down right lies about things when you are the one that is caring for her?
It sounds as if your mother has always had this type of personality but it could be made worse by dementia. Either way, unless she will... It sounds as if your mother has always had this type of personality but it could be made worse by dementia. Either way, unless she will allow a doctor to help you likely can't do much to change things.
You do have to set limits. As Pam said, let her vent once a day and then say that you will be unavailable until the next day. If you have caller ID you could avoid calls however you don't want to miss a true emergency so you may need to answer but politely say you can't listen any more today and then hang up. Avoid yelling or being drawn into a fight. That will just hurt you.
If she has dementia, the lying is more from memory issues than real lying (confabulating is one word as Dave suggested). Even then, you don't have to let her completely control you. Trained in-home caregivers will let her complain without taking it emotionally since they aren't part of the family dynamic. Yes they do charge a lot, but often it's worth it.
Do what you can but don't let guilt destroy you.
Carol see more
You do have to set limits. As Pam said, let her vent once a day and then say that you will be unavailable until the next day. If you have caller ID you could avoid calls however you don't want to miss a true emergency so you may need to answer but politely say you can't listen any more today and then hang up. Avoid yelling or being drawn into a fight. That will just hurt you.
If she has dementia, the lying is more from memory issues than real lying (confabulating is one word as Dave suggested). Even then, you don't have to let her completely control you. Trained in-home caregivers will let her complain without taking it emotionally since they aren't part of the family dynamic. Yes they do charge a lot, but often it's worth it.
Do what you can but don't let guilt destroy you.
Carol see more
Question
Does Medicare cover a nursing home stay for my Mom in the last stages of Alzheimer's?
This is a tough time for you and help is likely needed but you'll probably have to start with private pay. Medicare will cover this... This is a tough time for you and help is likely needed but you'll probably have to start with private pay.
Medicare will cover this time if she is sent to the nursing home from a hospital, but not directly from home. I'd suggest private pay for now to get her settled and then hospice care which is covered by Medicare.
If her assets are spent down rapidly, then you'll have to have her transferred to Medicaid which will cover all costs for the nursing home and hospice.
Take care of yourself by getting help during this sad and challenging time.
Carol see more
Medicare will cover this time if she is sent to the nursing home from a hospital, but not directly from home. I'd suggest private pay for now to get her settled and then hospice care which is covered by Medicare.
If her assets are spent down rapidly, then you'll have to have her transferred to Medicaid which will cover all costs for the nursing home and hospice.
Take care of yourself by getting help during this sad and challenging time.
Carol see more
Question
Do I just go to social services in my county to get my Mom started on the Medicaid plan?
Yes, generally adult social services is where you go and as Chincoteague said, they will likely want 5 years of financial records as well... Yes, generally adult social services is where you go and as Chincoteague said, they will likely want 5 years of financial records as well as all medical ID, insurance cards, etc. The better records you keep the easier it is. States do vary somewhat on what they ask for but 5 years look back comes from federal law. It's not fun but it's doable. Most people find it kind of an ordeal but if you get a pleasant social worker it's easier. No matter who you get for intake, it's doable and your mom deserves this care.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
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What would you do if your Mom has Alzheimer's and you are co-caregiving with her husband and he stops speaking...
GladImHere has some good thoughts. It sounds like there may be a need for placement that will allow for your mom's care needs, you step-dad's need to be out and about working or doing chores and your need to help.
The fact that the HIPAA form hasn't been signed could give you some problems but perhaps your step dad will listen to a third party from one of the agencies. I certainly hope so, since this is not a good situation for any of you.
Please do try to get third party help of some kind,
Carol see more