Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My Mom was just diagnoses with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. She takes meds at night for the pain but she can't s...
She'll need to sign a HIPAA form. As Babalou said, there's one online. All clinics have them, too. Once she's put your name... She'll need to sign a HIPAA form. As Babalou said, there's one online. All clinics have them, too. Once she's put your name down, you can talk with the doctor. You may also need a password, depending on the clinic so have her decide on this and then set it up with the clinic where the doctor who treats her is working.
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing,
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing,
Carol see more
Question
What happens to my Mom's life insurance policy after she passes if she is on Medicaid?
To the best of my knowledge, if there is cash value to the policy it will go to Medicaid. I believe that if your dad keeps paying until... To the best of my knowledge, if there is cash value to the policy it will go to Medicaid. I believe that if your dad keeps paying until your mother dies, Medicaid will take the payout as well (if the cost to Medicaid of her care has exceeded other assets).
You suggest that there may be a choice about whether or not to use Medicaid. That indicates to me that there are still assets available so I'd suggest that you and you dad talk with an elder law attorney about how best to handle this.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You suggest that there may be a choice about whether or not to use Medicaid. That indicates to me that there are still assets available so I'd suggest that you and you dad talk with an elder law attorney about how best to handle this.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How I can encourage my Mom to voice her frustrations?
I agree that giving her the opportunity is a good idea, but pushing too hard may be negative. She may not want to talk about it or she may... I agree that giving her the opportunity is a good idea, but pushing too hard may be negative. She may not want to talk about it or she may be okay a she is and pushing can stir up negative feelings that she was happy to let lie.
The point that it's often easier to talk without someone outside of the family is a good one. She may feel that she's laying guilt on you where as the social worker may be a better "target."
Just go gently. Use validation if she has dementia - that's vital. Allow her to lead no matter where she is cognitively.
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing,
Carol see more
The point that it's often easier to talk without someone outside of the family is a good one. She may feel that she's laying guilt on you where as the social worker may be a better "target."
Just go gently. Use validation if she has dementia - that's vital. Allow her to lead no matter where she is cognitively.
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing,
Carol see more
Question
Question
How to let go the past?
It's horribly sad that pending death is when many families come together but it's better than nothing. You'll probably never... It's horribly sad that pending death is when many families come together but it's better than nothing. You'll probably never forget her mean behavior toward you but you can still forgive. Try to do this for yourself. Give her all the love that you can because you won't be able to change your mind later. This is for your sake rather than hers. You don't want to have regrets if you can help it.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?
It's heartbreaking when someone we love falsely accuses us of stealing. Many of us have been through this. I'm glad you had your... It's heartbreaking when someone we love falsely accuses us of stealing. Many of us have been through this. I'm glad you had your nephew, at least. It's too bad that more relatives can't at least tell you that they know that your mom is having cognitive issues that have nothing to do with you stealing from her.
We can't change what's happening to you, but we can tell you that we do understand how badly this hurts. Please keep coming back to read what others say.
Carol see more
We can't change what's happening to you, but we can tell you that we do understand how badly this hurts. Please keep coming back to read what others say.
Carol see more
Question
What happens in the process of calling a local AOA?
I agree with cmagnum. For everyone concerned, you are doing the right thing. Start with your local adult social services (ask for aging)... I agree with cmagnum. For everyone concerned, you are doing the right thing. Start with your local adult social services (ask for aging) which will include Adult Protective Services or their term for that. Let them know that you are burned out and physically deteriorating yourself. Ask them for direction on how to have social services take over. You will likely be giving up rights as to where (or whether) they are placed in care and are together or not. There are no guarantees. However, you need to make changes so please get started. Keep us posed on how this is going for you.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How to get help for loved ones left behind after their loved one has passed?
Thank you, palmtrees1, for providing wisdom and local resources for makado. Makado, I'm so sorry for the loss your wife and you have... Thank you, palmtrees1, for providing wisdom and local resources for makado.
Makado, I'm so sorry for the loss your wife and you have suffered. You are suffering for her now, too, since you likely feel helpless to "fix" her grief.
Grieving is a process that takes time, so patience is a must. People also grieve in a very individual manner and it's not a straight line to "getting over it." We never get over it but we learn to incorporate it into our lives. Grief support, such as palmtrees suggested, can be very helpful. I hope that your wife can take advantage of this.
Meanwhile, the best thing you can do is listen and support her as she grieves. Don't try to fix it. Let her work it through. Suggestions (like the grief group) are good, but don't push too hard. Gentleness is the best approach. You can try again later if she won't go right away.
Please keep us posted on how you are both doing.
Carol see more
Makado, I'm so sorry for the loss your wife and you have suffered. You are suffering for her now, too, since you likely feel helpless to "fix" her grief.
Grieving is a process that takes time, so patience is a must. People also grieve in a very individual manner and it's not a straight line to "getting over it." We never get over it but we learn to incorporate it into our lives. Grief support, such as palmtrees suggested, can be very helpful. I hope that your wife can take advantage of this.
Meanwhile, the best thing you can do is listen and support her as she grieves. Don't try to fix it. Let her work it through. Suggestions (like the grief group) are good, but don't push too hard. Gentleness is the best approach. You can try again later if she won't go right away.
Please keep us posted on how you are both doing.
Carol see more
Question
I'm dealing with my husband turning to alcohol to self-medicate his struggles with losing his brilliant mind a...
Here's a thread that you may find helpful, DowntownLA.... Here's a thread that you may find helpful, DowntownLA.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-help-alcoholic-mother-stop-self-medicating-155081.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-help-alcoholic-mother-stop-self-medicating-155081.htm
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do to normalize her sleep?
The suggestion that her meds be check is excellent, as well - medications can cause all kinds of issues. So, that's something to look... The suggestion that her meds be check is excellent, as well - medications can cause all kinds of issues. So, that's something to look into.
The aide is likely being paid night or day, so the care is still necessary. Sometimes a snack whenever your mother wakes up may help her get back to sleep, so you could suggest that to the aide. Some people find that melatonin helps, but it won't help everyone.
Aging people, in general, often have a harder time sleeping. Often it's pain from arthritis or other issues that interfere. So, trying to make a person with AD adhere to younger sleep patterns may not be realistic. I'm glad that you have someone to be with your mom so that you can sleep.
Take care,
Carol see more
The aide is likely being paid night or day, so the care is still necessary. Sometimes a snack whenever your mother wakes up may help her get back to sleep, so you could suggest that to the aide. Some people find that melatonin helps, but it won't help everyone.
Aging people, in general, often have a harder time sleeping. Often it's pain from arthritis or other issues that interfere. So, trying to make a person with AD adhere to younger sleep patterns may not be realistic. I'm glad that you have someone to be with your mom so that you can sleep.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you deal with a Mom you're a 24/7 caregiver for that you don't even like?
hapegolucke1, I don't get the feeling at all that you would harm your mother. She's obviously quite elderly since you're 72.... hapegolucke1, I don't get the feeling at all that you would harm your mother. She's obviously quite elderly since you're 72. This type of caregiving would be tough even if your mother was an angel - which is obviously not the case. Whatever caused her to be abusive to you doesn't excuse her behavior.
At this point I doubt that your living arrangement will change but it may be possible to receive some respite care. Do you have a block nurse program in your area? I know that you're a Christian but all Christian's don't attend a church. However, if you do, there may be people who could sit with your mom so you can have a little time to yourself. Human services (through your state) often get Federal grants for respite care that go to waste because people don't know they exist. Try going on to your state website (type the word aging after the name of your state). You should bring up a list of aging services. See what is available. You may be able to get some relief. That won't stop the abuse from your mother, but it would give you some time away to regroup.
This article may help a little: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm
Good luck, my friend. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
At this point I doubt that your living arrangement will change but it may be possible to receive some respite care. Do you have a block nurse program in your area? I know that you're a Christian but all Christian's don't attend a church. However, if you do, there may be people who could sit with your mom so you can have a little time to yourself. Human services (through your state) often get Federal grants for respite care that go to waste because people don't know they exist. Try going on to your state website (type the word aging after the name of your state). You should bring up a list of aging services. See what is available. You may be able to get some relief. That won't stop the abuse from your mother, but it would give you some time away to regroup.
This article may help a little: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm
Good luck, my friend. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
Why won't Social Security accept the POA my father executed prior to brain surgery?
I think this takes a lot of us by surprise. I had the same "awakening" years ago with my first elder's death. It was as real... I think this takes a lot of us by surprise. I had the same "awakening" years ago with my first elder's death. It was as real mess, but SS has never accepted a POA. I still haven't figured out exactly what we are supposed to do - at least in a streamlined manner. Eventually, people seem to get things done, but this is something that I have never understood.
Good luck. We can all use advice on this.
Carol see more
Good luck. We can all use advice on this.
Carol see more
Question
Should my mom have surgery? She has a dislocated shoulder and hairline fracture in the ball of her arm bone.
Great news, Windyridge! I've seen wonderful results from hip surgery, also. Arthritis can be excruciating. A cracked bone? The pain... Great news, Windyridge! I've seen wonderful results from hip surgery, also. Arthritis can be excruciating. A cracked bone? The pain must be terrible. If surgery will fix it, I'd be all for it - if she's healthy enough to take take the surgery. Not everyone can at that age, so everyone needs to be aware of the risks. Of she can't take it, then they should manage the pain.
About proofing - yes, we'd all like to be able to edit, I suspect: ) Don't worry about it. There's probably not one among us who haven't sent out typos or left out a word that changes the meaning of what we've said. I've been known to do as you did and add a second note : )
Take care,
Carol see more
About proofing - yes, we'd all like to be able to edit, I suspect: ) Don't worry about it. There's probably not one among us who haven't sent out typos or left out a word that changes the meaning of what we've said. I've been known to do as you did and add a second note : )
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should my mom have surgery? She has a dislocated shoulder and hairline fracture in the ball of her arm bone.
If she's otherwise healthy and there aren't other options surgery may be the answer, but talk this over with several doctors first.... If she's otherwise healthy and there aren't other options surgery may be the answer, but talk this over with several doctors first. Surgery is always risky and particularly so for elderly people. Still, a healthy 79-year-old may do just fine where a 65 year old on the verge of dementia may come out of anesthetic completely changes. There's no right answer - which is what is so difficult. Talk over every option for pain control as well as how surgery could affect her.
Please let us know what you decide to do.
Carol see more
Please let us know what you decide to do.
Carol see more
Question
Any suggestions on how to get fiber into my Dad so he won't be constipated?
There are some excellent fiber mixes that can be put into smoothies with yogurt, water, fruit and other good things. Great suggestions from... There are some excellent fiber mixes that can be put into smoothies with yogurt, water, fruit and other good things.
Great suggestions from everyone!
Carol see more
Great suggestions from everyone!
Carol see more
Question
Does the time change affect who you care for?
I would think that's it's possible since light has a lot to do with sundowning (for some people). Also, if you're trying to... I would think that's it's possible since light has a lot to do with sundowning (for some people). Also, if you're trying to keep a schedule, you may have to make the changes very slowly. The change affects us so whey not people with dementia and other issues. Definitely consider adjusting curtains and lights to fit the change and make gradual adjustments.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Moved back to my parent's house. Did I do the right thing?
Every situation is unique. As Ferris said, any change is bound to cause upset. You can't blame yourself for that. I'd like to add... Every situation is unique. As Ferris said, any change is bound to cause upset. You can't blame yourself for that.
I'd like to add Social Security earnings to the list of affected future earnings for those who quite "work." Until caregiving is considered a real job, we who quit outside work to provide elder care (I did for a number of years) lose a lot in our future Social Security.
So many things to consider. There is no right and wrong. We care. We love. We do what we can under our individual circumstances. Good luck with the changes in your lives - all of your wonderful community members. Keep supporting each other.
Carol see more
I'd like to add Social Security earnings to the list of affected future earnings for those who quite "work." Until caregiving is considered a real job, we who quit outside work to provide elder care (I did for a number of years) lose a lot in our future Social Security.
So many things to consider. There is no right and wrong. We care. We love. We do what we can under our individual circumstances. Good luck with the changes in your lives - all of your wonderful community members. Keep supporting each other.
Carol see more
Question
Rapid onset of dementia, UTI related or something else?
You're right, Stressed, it is a guessing game. Your aunt may have developed vascular dementia after the stroke. However, there is a... You're right, Stressed, it is a guessing game. Your aunt may have developed vascular dementia after the stroke. However, there is a type of Alzheimer's that is rapid onset. There are also many other types of dementia as well as mixed dementias where people have more than one kind. It's no wonder doctors are sometimes reluctant to label the disease.
Great comments from everyone here.
Carol see more
Great comments from everyone here.
Carol see more
Question
Rapid onset of dementia, UTI related or something else?
One thing to check is side effects from this new medication. It's amazing how many of them can cause dementia-like symptoms. A friend... One thing to check is side effects from this new medication. It's amazing how many of them can cause dementia-like symptoms. A friend of mine's mother was being treated for Alzheimer's for over a year until the neurologist took her off her incontinence meds. She completely recovered. Just a thought, but we have to watch everything.
As for UTIs causing permanent damage, infections in the elderly can cause huge issues, so I suppose that's not impossible. Do check out all possible side effects for the new meds, though. A pharmacist is your friend when you need to do this.
Carol see more
As for UTIs causing permanent damage, infections in the elderly can cause huge issues, so I suppose that's not impossible. Do check out all possible side effects for the new meds, though. A pharmacist is your friend when you need to do this.
Carol see more
I've been a live-in for three years. Is it normal to wanna run away at times?
Carol see more