Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Daily agency/registry referral fee for near 5 years now. Should that ever come to an end?
This doesn't sound right to me at all. Since they have provided backup, they have been of some use, but $20 a day? For five years? The... This doesn't sound right to me at all. Since they have provided backup, they have been of some use, but $20 a day? For five years? The survey is not a "service," it's an imposition.
I've never heard of such a thing. You do most of the admin work. From the information you provided, I'd call this a scam. If you can't find a way to get them to stop billing you, ask the attorney for advice. If he or she can't, then I'd cancel the credit card they are charging to (if that's how you are paying). If they are sending a paper bill, you should have the information to cancel right there. If you still can't cancel, call the Better Business Bureau and ask for help. Good luck! Please keep us posted.
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I've never heard of such a thing. You do most of the admin work. From the information you provided, I'd call this a scam. If you can't find a way to get them to stop billing you, ask the attorney for advice. If he or she can't, then I'd cancel the credit card they are charging to (if that's how you are paying). If they are sending a paper bill, you should have the information to cancel right there. If you still can't cancel, call the Better Business Bureau and ask for help. Good luck! Please keep us posted.
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Question
My Mom sleeps most of the time with little activity. Is keeping her comfortable my best service to her?
I think that there's a difference when age is a concern because many elders are physically frail and have issues other than dementia.... I think that there's a difference when age is a concern because many elders are physically frail and have issues other than dementia. When someone has younger onset dementia, keeping active (when possible) is probably good. When someone - dementia or not - is 85 and has a lot of pain and other issues, my personal thought is offer alternatives but if they want to sleep, why not? Everyone is different. We do our best, try one thing and then another. In the end, I'm not sure what's right or wrong because every day is different. Lots of wisdom here from all of you!
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Question
Can a UTI cause "seizure symptoms" in a elderly woman with dementia?
I'd get her to ER or at least to an urgent care clinic, depending on symptoms. UTIs can do a lot of things including spiking a fever.... I'd get her to ER or at least to an urgent care clinic, depending on symptoms. UTIs can do a lot of things including spiking a fever. This doesn't sound like a situation that should wait. Please check back and let us know what happens.
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Question
Question
Will paying mother-in laws companions by check but not filing tax paperwork for them affect her getting Medica...
I think you should seek advice from an elder law attorney who can help you decide how to handle this. The law may vary depending on the... I think you should seek advice from an elder law attorney who can help you decide how to handle this. The law may vary depending on the amount you paid out. The fact that the money was used for her care shouldn't be a problem with Medicaid. I'm more concerned about a penalty for not paying taxes. That isn't my in my field of expertise. Since I like to be "safe," if it were me, I'd have an attorney look into this obligation.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
When do you know it is time to place a loved one in assisted living ?
Your welcome, JimL. This is difficult so please keep coming back to remind yourself that you're not alone.
Carol
Carol
Question
My Mom (82) suffers from depression. All she wants to do is lie on the sofa. How can I get her active?
I agree that antidepressants can be tricky for elderly people and drug interactions can be a problem. That being said, a visit to a... I agree that antidepressants can be tricky for elderly people and drug interactions can be a problem. That being said, a visit to a psychiatrist may not hurt.
Low B12 can be an issue with elders since it's hard to absorb even when the diet is good, so B12, too, should be checked.
Finding a balance for her is what you want since she may not be the type to enjoy a big social life. Yet, what she's doing isn't good, either.
There are some excellent suggestions and opinions on this thread so I'd read through them and then make an appointment with both her own doctor for a B12 check and other blood work plus a psychiatrist who works with elderly people so he or she knows that medications may or may not be the issues.
Another thing about medications - have a doctor review what she's now taking since some drugs can cause depression. It's a huge puzzle for many - this interplay between health issues and the good/bad of medications. Please keep us tuned in.
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Low B12 can be an issue with elders since it's hard to absorb even when the diet is good, so B12, too, should be checked.
Finding a balance for her is what you want since she may not be the type to enjoy a big social life. Yet, what she's doing isn't good, either.
There are some excellent suggestions and opinions on this thread so I'd read through them and then make an appointment with both her own doctor for a B12 check and other blood work plus a psychiatrist who works with elderly people so he or she knows that medications may or may not be the issues.
Another thing about medications - have a doctor review what she's now taking since some drugs can cause depression. It's a huge puzzle for many - this interplay between health issues and the good/bad of medications. Please keep us tuned in.
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Question
When do you know it is time to place a loved one in assisted living ?
I agree that you've done all you can and it's time for help. For your mother-in-law's safety and your sanity she needs 24/7... I agree that you've done all you can and it's time for help. For your mother-in-law's safety and your sanity she needs 24/7 supervision. Likely a memory care unit. A neurologist can help determine if this is correct, but it does sound like time. No guilt - promise? You have done so much and we all have limits. You are considering her safety and well being.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
Is it normal for them to forget a son-in-law but not their grandchildren?
Memory will even change from day to day. Some days she may remember her son and other days she won't. The grandchildren are... Memory will even change from day to day. Some days she may remember her son and other days she won't. The grandchildren are "novel" in that she may not see as many children as adults, but she will - sadly - eventually forget who they are, as well. People generally remember faces longer than names. They forget the relationship that people have with them but may still remember the face and that the person is "there" for them. So, as Jeannegibbs said, there is no "normal" and being forgotten shouldn't be taken personally.
Please keep coming back to ask questions and for support. There is enormous wisdom within this community.
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Please keep coming back to ask questions and for support. There is enormous wisdom within this community.
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Question
I would like to move in with my Dad to care for him. Any advice?
Your dad can pay you. However, you should have a legal contract drawn up to do this. While his assets are good, he may eventually need... Your dad can pay you. However, you should have a legal contract drawn up to do this. While his assets are good, he may eventually need nursing home care which could - again eventually - use up his assets. That would put him on Medicaid. They would look back at how his money was spent. Also, if you have siblings, they need to know about this. Using an attorney to do this legally is the wisest move.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?
Death is part of the life cycle but it's always hard to lose those we love. How we cope is very individual. As you say - it takes as... Death is part of the life cycle but it's always hard to lose those we love. How we cope is very individual. As you say - it takes as long as it takes. I still feel my loved ones with me so that's how I cope. It's different for everyone.
Take care all of you. It's something that we all share.
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Take care all of you. It's something that we all share.
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Question
Mom is getting mad at me because she can't tell me what she wants. I'm frustrated, what can I do?
I agree that people who've been abused as children have paid their dues and generally everyone is better off with more outside care for... I agree that people who've been abused as children have paid their dues and generally everyone is better off with more outside care for their aging parents.
Your mother can't help what the stroke did to her, but your shared past makes this far worse than it would be otherwise. You shouldn't subject yourself to guilt or let anyone place guilt on you. Outside help - at the least in-home services but more likely facility placement - would put you more in control of when/how you can relate to your mom.
You're human, not bad. Please read this complete thread. We're behind you.
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Your mother can't help what the stroke did to her, but your shared past makes this far worse than it would be otherwise. You shouldn't subject yourself to guilt or let anyone place guilt on you. Outside help - at the least in-home services but more likely facility placement - would put you more in control of when/how you can relate to your mom.
You're human, not bad. Please read this complete thread. We're behind you.
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Question
How to remove a dishonest POA?
I'm so sorry about this mess. It's true that a POA expires after death. Then it's up to the executor. If your sister is... I'm so sorry about this mess. It's true that a POA expires after death. Then it's up to the executor. If your sister is executor, she's in charge. If not, whoever is executor is. I don't understand why your father's estate was let go by the system as it was. The executor is, by law, required to follow the will. In this case, with the friend, there's not likely a lot you can do short of legal action. You could call your state's attorney's office and see if there some pro bono (free) help for a case like this.
Please let us know if you make progress.
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Please let us know if you make progress.
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Question
How do I find places Mom can go?
If she's not on Medicaid, it sounds like she should be. In some states, that step can even get you a little respite care.... If she's not on Medicaid, it sounds like she should be. In some states, that step can even get you a little respite care. Unfortunately, that isn't true everywhere. I agree that you should talk with the doctor about options. It seems to me that your mom may need nursing home care. You can't do this forever all alone.
Please keep checking back. We could help more with additional information.
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Please keep checking back. We could help more with additional information.
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Question
Does anyone have information regarding selling a life insurance policy in the life settlement market?
This used to be considered kind of shady but I've read lately that it can be a helpful move for some. I'd check with a trusted... This used to be considered kind of shady but I've read lately that it can be a helpful move for some. I'd check with a trusted insurance broker - one who doesn't just sell for one company. There will likely be more feedback on this issue if you keep checking back here since others may have had experience with what you're considering.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How can I get help to pay for hearing aids?
They vary widely so it's not possible to give you a price. Possible anywhere from $1500 to $5000 depending on the type. Anyone who... They vary widely so it's not possible to give you a price. Possible anywhere from $1500 to $5000 depending on the type. Anyone who seeks assistance isn't likely to receive the fanciest ones but many that people get through service clubs are excellent.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
How do you deal with privacy issue when mother-in-law lives with you?
I think you did what you had to do. Your mother-in-law is not in a situation where she can't make decisions and she had a place to go. ... I think you did what you had to do. Your mother-in-law is not in a situation where she can't make decisions and she had a place to go.
If you worry about your mother-in-law and her sister as time goes on, you can ask social services to do a welfare check on them. But you've done a great deal for her already and continuing as you have been could kill your husband. The statistics of caregivers dying before those they take care of are scary.
Please don't accept guilt for this. You've done what you could and more. Now you must take care of your marriage - plus your health and your husband's health. Be there for emergencies but don't take your mother-in-law back into your home or you'll be right back where you started.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I know that the guilty will bother you even though you didn't have much choice. Things will work out even if you have to call social services to take care of the elderly ladies. Where she is now is likely better than when she was with her daughter.
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If you worry about your mother-in-law and her sister as time goes on, you can ask social services to do a welfare check on them. But you've done a great deal for her already and continuing as you have been could kill your husband. The statistics of caregivers dying before those they take care of are scary.
Please don't accept guilt for this. You've done what you could and more. Now you must take care of your marriage - plus your health and your husband's health. Be there for emergencies but don't take your mother-in-law back into your home or you'll be right back where you started.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I know that the guilty will bother you even though you didn't have much choice. Things will work out even if you have to call social services to take care of the elderly ladies. Where she is now is likely better than when she was with her daughter.
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Question
Mom has become a recluse. Any advice?
From what I've seen it's not the size of the facility but how it's run. A large facility with adequate staff can be as good as... From what I've seen it's not the size of the facility but how it's run. A large facility with adequate staff can be as good as a small facility with the same staffing. Where the difference would lie is whether the personality of the person in care is better served by what the facility offers.
What you described, Ellenship, is horrendous and shouldn't be allowed in any size facility. I don't understand why such a place is allowed to stay open. I'm so glad that you found another facility that is good. That's wonderful news.
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What you described, Ellenship, is horrendous and shouldn't be allowed in any size facility. I don't understand why such a place is allowed to stay open. I'm so glad that you found another facility that is good. That's wonderful news.
Carol see more
Question
How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?
I agree with the others that you aren't alone in thinking as you do. Please read all of the answers because there's a lot of... I agree with the others that you aren't alone in thinking as you do. Please read all of the answers because there's a lot of compassion and some good suggestions on this thread.
It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.
Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.
As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?
I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.
Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
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It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.
Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.
As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?
I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.
Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
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Rapid onset of dementia, UTI related or something else?
Please let us know how you are doing.
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