Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Has anyone had a parent or Mom accuse you of flirting with her husband my step-Dad?
As gladimhere said, this is common with dementia. That doesn't make it easy and certainly it hurts when your mom accuses you of... As gladimhere said, this is common with dementia. That doesn't make it easy and certainly it hurts when your mom accuses you of flirting with her husband. About all that you can do is tell her how much he loves her and let her know that you are happy with your own life.
Gladimhere had a good suggestion about encouraging their closeness, too.
Please keep watching for updates. Many people in this community have had such issues. You're sure to find more reassurance and maybe more tips, as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Gladimhere had a good suggestion about encouraging their closeness, too.
Please keep watching for updates. Many people in this community have had such issues. You're sure to find more reassurance and maybe more tips, as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Any experience with sundowners and medications to help sleep?
Providing comfort is what it's about, in my opinion. Whatever works best without negative effects (now - not thinking ten years down... Providing comfort is what it's about, in my opinion. Whatever works best without negative effects (now - not thinking ten years down the road) is good. Great answers from so many of you!
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Question
Any experience with sundowners and medications to help sleep?
One study showed that when the staff asked the person to sit down and gave them a snack then the person felt as if he had accomplished... One study showed that when the staff asked the person to sit down and gave them a snack then the person felt as if he had accomplished whatever he intended to do. It also served to distract him and he'd go peacefully to bed.
Obviously this is harder to do if you are the sole caregiver in a home situation, but perhaps there's something to be gained from knowing that.
Also, SAD lights help some people with sundowning. These lights combined with what was already suggested (pulling the shades down before dark) may help some people.
Keep sending out ideas about what works. This is something that can be a huge problem for caregivers in any setting.
Carol see more
Obviously this is harder to do if you are the sole caregiver in a home situation, but perhaps there's something to be gained from knowing that.
Also, SAD lights help some people with sundowning. These lights combined with what was already suggested (pulling the shades down before dark) may help some people.
Keep sending out ideas about what works. This is something that can be a huge problem for caregivers in any setting.
Carol see more
Question
Tired of my husband mood swings. Thinking I should give in. Any advice?
You said it yourself, Snowbank. When you feel empty inside it's time to get help. I hope that you can find something that works. It may... You said it yourself, Snowbank. When you feel empty inside it's time to get help.
I hope that you can find something that works. It may be best for your husband to be in assisted living (if he doesn't need a lot of care) or a nursing home. You could then visit but wouldn't be constantly subjected to his abuse.
Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
I hope that you can find something that works. It may be best for your husband to be in assisted living (if he doesn't need a lot of care) or a nursing home. You could then visit but wouldn't be constantly subjected to his abuse.
Please keep us posted.
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Question
How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?
Sunnygirl, you aren't alone in feeling afraid. Most of are until it happens. I will say that I've attended three deaths of elderly... Sunnygirl, you aren't alone in feeling afraid. Most of are until it happens.
I will say that I've attended three deaths of elderly people who were more than ready to go and they were not only rewarding experiences but beautiful beyond words.
I learned so much about the cycle of life, which includes death of the body. I will say that my spiritual beliefs influence my reactions, however there isn't a doubt in my mind that while I held my dad I felt his spirit leave his body. I knew then that he'd been released from the cage that had kept him in his dementia world for ten years. Just my view, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps.
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I will say that I've attended three deaths of elderly people who were more than ready to go and they were not only rewarding experiences but beautiful beyond words.
I learned so much about the cycle of life, which includes death of the body. I will say that my spiritual beliefs influence my reactions, however there isn't a doubt in my mind that while I held my dad I felt his spirit leave his body. I knew then that he'd been released from the cage that had kept him in his dementia world for ten years. Just my view, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps.
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Question
Tired of my husband mood swings. Thinking I should give in. Any advice?
Snowbank, my heart breaks for you. You aren't alone by any means, but that doesn't make it a lot easier. I agree that there's a... Snowbank, my heart breaks for you. You aren't alone by any means, but that doesn't make it a lot easier. I agree that there's a good chance that your husband has developed vascular dementia. He should be checked by a specialist who can determine what is happening.
It's important to ask about how your marriage was before his stroke. I believe that should be a large part of your decision now. If it was good, you may want to just keep working with doctors and stick it out. If it wasn't good - that may weigh heavily into your final decision.
I'd suggest some professional counseling to talk this through. It's just too much to handle alone.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
It's important to ask about how your marriage was before his stroke. I believe that should be a large part of your decision now. If it was good, you may want to just keep working with doctors and stick it out. If it wasn't good - that may weigh heavily into your final decision.
I'd suggest some professional counseling to talk this through. It's just too much to handle alone.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
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Question
How can I help my boyfriend during this time and after his Mom dies?
I think that providing a listening ear and giving him space if he needs it is a good idea. Let him know that you are there to hear about... I think that providing a listening ear and giving him space if he needs it is a good idea. Let him know that you are there to hear about his ordeal, but don't require much from him. He is doing all that he can.
He obviously needs some guidance since he's spending day and night there, fearful that his mom will die. If she is under hospice care, that can be warranted, but generally hospice care will go on for quite awhile and they will notify him if there's a change for the worse so that he can be with her. It seems that a social worker should be working with him on this.
You don't want to appear critical, even when you make suggestions. He needs your unqualified support if you can give it.
Please keep us notified. You need support, too, but he can't give it to you. Maybe we can.
Carol see more
He obviously needs some guidance since he's spending day and night there, fearful that his mom will die. If she is under hospice care, that can be warranted, but generally hospice care will go on for quite awhile and they will notify him if there's a change for the worse so that he can be with her. It seems that a social worker should be working with him on this.
You don't want to appear critical, even when you make suggestions. He needs your unqualified support if you can give it.
Please keep us notified. You need support, too, but he can't give it to you. Maybe we can.
Carol see more
Question
Lately my Mom (81) seems to be more sensitive to household noises and is constantly asking "what is that noise...
Changes in the brain can make sounds unbearable - ask anyone who gets migraines which are now categorized as neurological. Ask her doctor... Changes in the brain can make sounds unbearable - ask anyone who gets migraines which are now categorized as neurological.
Ask her doctor about what is going on so if there is something that can be medically managed, he or she will look into it. For non-medical management, sound canceling earphones may help though you don't want to take away too much interaction with people while canceling out other sounds.
Not understanding what the sound means makes sense, too, so the suggestion that your mom be in the kitchen rather than another room when kitchen noise is unavoidable may help. Every noticed how the sound of someone else running a vacuum cleaner is annoying but when doing it yourself the sound is just - there?
There are so many ways to look at this. I'd start with the doctor but also try out the suggestions these smart community members have suggested. Please keep us posted on the situation. We'd love to hear how your mother is doing and your posts will help others.
Carol see more
Ask her doctor about what is going on so if there is something that can be medically managed, he or she will look into it. For non-medical management, sound canceling earphones may help though you don't want to take away too much interaction with people while canceling out other sounds.
Not understanding what the sound means makes sense, too, so the suggestion that your mom be in the kitchen rather than another room when kitchen noise is unavoidable may help. Every noticed how the sound of someone else running a vacuum cleaner is annoying but when doing it yourself the sound is just - there?
There are so many ways to look at this. I'd start with the doctor but also try out the suggestions these smart community members have suggested. Please keep us posted on the situation. We'd love to hear how your mother is doing and your posts will help others.
Carol see more
Question
Someone turned me into elderly abuse. What are my rights?
I'm with everyone else here. You need to let APS know that you can't care for her needs. Let them take responsibility and then find... I'm with everyone else here. You need to let APS know that you can't care for her needs. Let them take responsibility and then find a way to take care of yourself. You shouldn't have to go through this.
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Question
Can I move Mom in with me without jeopardizing her SSI and Medicare?
I agree that you need to check with an elder law attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws. I don't think this should affect anything... I agree that you need to check with an elder law attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws. I don't think this should affect anything but so much depends on where you/they live that you need to be very careful how you go about this. Good luck with your plans. We'd love to hear back from you as make this transition.
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Question
How do I determine if mom is now entering into last stage Dementia?
I think, from what you wrote, that the doctors believe that he's in the death process. For many, this takes time as organs shut down.... I think, from what you wrote, that the doctors believe that he's in the death process. For many, this takes time as organs shut down. Food isn't digested. Liver stops functioning. Gradually the heart or brain shuts down. We will all die eventually so if this is his time, it's okay. Keep him comfortable - with drugs if necessary. Emotional and physical comfort is all you can do but it's a lot.
Thank you for caring so much.
Carol see more
Thank you for caring so much.
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Question
Are seizures common symptoms of Alzheimer’s?
My mother-in-law went through a string of seizures several times and pulled through but each time her quality of life got worse. Seizures... My mother-in-law went through a string of seizures several times and pulled through but each time her quality of life got worse. Seizures took her in the end. She was more than "ready" so I was grateful that the last one was, well, her last one. I was sad to lose her but she and I both knew that her quality of life was gone. Blessings. This is so hard to watch.
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Question
What can I do when I'm the sole caregiver for my Mom and I am having depression issues?
I agree that what to do about your mom's care is part of why you haven't gotten help for your depression. Several good suggestions... I agree that what to do about your mom's care is part of why you haven't gotten help for your depression. Several good suggestions have been made here - one being that you can call 211 (in many places) to see what help is available.
Also, you can type the name of your state's website in your browser along with the word aging. You'll see a lot of links come up that you can try. Somewhere in there should be a local connection where you can find some help with your mom while you take care of yourself.
Please keep checking back for more suggestions and also so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Also, you can type the name of your state's website in your browser along with the word aging. You'll see a lot of links come up that you can try. Somewhere in there should be a local connection where you can find some help with your mom while you take care of yourself.
Please keep checking back for more suggestions and also so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do when I'm the sole caregiver for my Mom and I am having depression issues?
Treating your depression must come first. Only then can you help your mom. Please check with social services to look at options for your... Treating your depression must come first. Only then can you help your mom. Please check with social services to look at options for your mom's care and see a therapist for your own. We'll be waiting to hear how you are doing.
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Carol see more
Question
Does someone with Parkinson's eventually get dementia?
Meatjeanne, I agree that the outcome would have been the same regardless of the treatment. Mixed dementias are common, so it can be very... Meatjeanne, I agree that the outcome would have been the same regardless of the treatment. Mixed dementias are common, so it can be very difficult even for the best doctors to decide what the best treatment is. Please don't carry this guilt. You did everything you possibly could.
Also, as Jeannegibbs said, autopsies aren't always completely accurate, either. As for the plaques and tangles - many people have them and have no Alzheimer's symptoms so the jury is still out on that as far as Alzheimer's goes.
The main thing is - you did everything you could. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Also, as Jeannegibbs said, autopsies aren't always completely accurate, either. As for the plaques and tangles - many people have them and have no Alzheimer's symptoms so the jury is still out on that as far as Alzheimer's goes.
The main thing is - you did everything you could. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
What stage is a person in when they talk to people that are not there?
Talking to people who aren't there is fairly common. I'm not sure that it can be pinned on stages as much as conditions. My... Talking to people who aren't there is fairly common. I'm not sure that it can be pinned on stages as much as conditions. My mother-in-law, when she was still in her apartment, would tell me not to "sit on the kids." She had once been a teacher and I'd have to avoid the couch next to her because that's where she said the kids were.. Once she moved to a nursing home (it was an extremely good one near where I live) she had more socializing and she improved in all areas but especially in talking to invisible people.
As far as eating goes, sometimes not eating can come from depression. It can also come from discomfort or confusion. In later stages, it generally means that the body doesn't want food anymore because organs are shutting down. Talk with the doctor to see why he or she thinks this is happening. Your loved one may need a different diet or food that tempts her more. Temperature can matter - she may prefer cool foods or warm foods. You can experiment.
Or, if she is in a very late stage, she may not want food because she can't digest it and her body is rejecting it. Again, her doctor should be able to help guide you.
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
As far as eating goes, sometimes not eating can come from depression. It can also come from discomfort or confusion. In later stages, it generally means that the body doesn't want food anymore because organs are shutting down. Talk with the doctor to see why he or she thinks this is happening. Your loved one may need a different diet or food that tempts her more. Temperature can matter - she may prefer cool foods or warm foods. You can experiment.
Or, if she is in a very late stage, she may not want food because she can't digest it and her body is rejecting it. Again, her doctor should be able to help guide you.
Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Does someone with Parkinson's eventually get dementia?
A fair percentage of people with Parkinson's will develop dementia but not everyone. Lewy body dementia is most common. Sometimes... A fair percentage of people with Parkinson's will develop dementia but not everyone. Lewy body dementia is most common. Sometimes it's "mixed" with Alzheimer's disease. There's no doubt the the chances of developing dementia are greatly increased in someone with Parkinson's. It's something that needs to be watched for.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
My relationship with my teenage son is suffering terribly due to both of our caregiving roles for my 87-year-o...
It's terribly hard on kids to watch the decline of someone they love. My sons' had to witness the overnight dementia that my dad... It's terribly hard on kids to watch the decline of someone they love. My sons' had to witness the overnight dementia that my dad suffered after surgery. Each dealt with the grief in his own way. I tried my best to give them all of the attention I could while caring for the needs of multiple elders.
I'm also sure that they learned a lot about compassion.
My situation was difficult in that one of my sons has lifelong health issues that have always been part of the equation. Still, talking with both of my sons helped. I explained what I could and hoped that eventually they would understand that we take care of our own - though sometimes we need help from the outside. This cycle is part of life.
"Sandwich generation" caregivers have to make tough choices between generations and there isn't always a right and wrong choice. We understand what you're going through and I'm sure that you are doing fine. Please keep checking in with us to let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
I'm also sure that they learned a lot about compassion.
My situation was difficult in that one of my sons has lifelong health issues that have always been part of the equation. Still, talking with both of my sons helped. I explained what I could and hoped that eventually they would understand that we take care of our own - though sometimes we need help from the outside. This cycle is part of life.
"Sandwich generation" caregivers have to make tough choices between generations and there isn't always a right and wrong choice. We understand what you're going through and I'm sure that you are doing fine. Please keep checking in with us to let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
Question
How can you manage acute arthritis related pain?
Ice and heat - alternating - can help a lot. Tramadol is a good drug - easier on the stomach than NSAIDS, though it's not an... Ice and heat - alternating - can help a lot. Tramadol is a good drug - easier on the stomach than NSAIDS, though it's not an anti-inflammatory. Some herbs are good at bringing down inflammation, ginger being one of them. There's only so much medication a person can take so pain management generally means all kinds of approaches including heat and ice, topical pain relievers and appropriate exercise.
Joint replacement for hips and knees can be miraculous if done by an experienced surgeon.
Don't get chilled, either. That stirs up the pain as can stress and weather changes. It's a constant management issue.
My family has three types of arthritis so I've worked with this a lot. Good luck helping your loved one. It's tough.
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Joint replacement for hips and knees can be miraculous if done by an experienced surgeon.
Don't get chilled, either. That stirs up the pain as can stress and weather changes. It's a constant management issue.
My family has three types of arthritis so I've worked with this a lot. Good luck helping your loved one. It's tough.
Carol see more
Should an elder ever be left alone in a car?
I wouldn't approach her with too much anger - just go over the ground rules and let her know that if she has a need to go out for something that she is welcome to do it when someone can watch your mom.
If you like her otherwise, I'd tread gently. Your overall satisfaction (and your mother's) is primary. Still, the caregiver needs to know that what she did could be risky.
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