Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Will Medicare pay for incontinence supplies?
I think it's unlikely. I know that's really a blow because of the expense. There may be some exceptions if you have a waiver. Check... I think it's unlikely. I know that's really a blow because of the expense. There may be some exceptions if you have a waiver. Check directly with Medicare. Keep checking back because many on this site cope with this issue and they have great ideas.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Dad has severe arthritis Would a compression cushion help?
I'm so glad that your aren't underplaying his arthritis. Severe arthritis can be excruciating and sometimes people just get so used... I'm so glad that your aren't underplaying his arthritis. Severe arthritis can be excruciating and sometimes people just get so used to pain that they don't say much. Knee supports and other types of over-the-counter interventions can be very helpful.
Keeping pressure off of joints is important so a compression pillow sounds like a good idea. The kind with a hole helps keep pressure off of the tailbone and can help avoid some back pain.
You sound like a terrific caregiver. Keep sharing your tips and questions.
Carol see more
Keeping pressure off of joints is important so a compression pillow sounds like a good idea. The kind with a hole helps keep pressure off of the tailbone and can help avoid some back pain.
You sound like a terrific caregiver. Keep sharing your tips and questions.
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when a parent refuses to go to a nursing home?
Contacting the insurer and even the police may help. Our hearts are with you - you have one stubborn elder!
Carol
Carol
Question
Man (80) often accuses caregivers of stealing or trying to kill him. Any advice?
I agree with the advice already given. You cannot reason with him. If you can have him evaluated by a geriatric mental health professional... I agree with the advice already given. You cannot reason with him. If you can have him evaluated by a geriatric mental health professional this person should be able to advise you.
Several types of dementia can cause this kind of behavior but so can other illnesses. There can be a mix of things going on, which just makes it all more complicated.
Please do start looking for a care center that can handle his condition. It's possible that, with proper medication, he can be more clear in his thinking, but much depends on what is wrong. Only after a diagnosis can he be treated. You've had enough crises already - you'll want to place him if you can so that he can get the care he needs.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Several types of dementia can cause this kind of behavior but so can other illnesses. There can be a mix of things going on, which just makes it all more complicated.
Please do start looking for a care center that can handle his condition. It's possible that, with proper medication, he can be more clear in his thinking, but much depends on what is wrong. Only after a diagnosis can he be treated. You've had enough crises already - you'll want to place him if you can so that he can get the care he needs.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Question
My doctor said because of my age I would not be able to get a new drug. Any advice?
Most of the time, if the doctor stays on the Med. D. company and proves that this is the only drug that works, it will be approved.... Most of the time, if the doctor stays on the Med. D. company and proves that this is the only drug that works, it will be approved. It's a hassle, but it has always been the case that drugs have been turned down by insurance companies or price out of reach. At least with Medicare there is a chance it will get covered - with persistence. We just went through such a scenario.
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Question
Has anyone ever hired a free-lance person to help with an elderly person in the home?
I've known of several situations where the private caregiver was a lifesaver. As 25yearsexp says - call referrals and check them all.... I've known of several situations where the private caregiver was a lifesaver. As 25yearsexp says - call referrals and check them all. That goes for agencies, too.
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Question
My Dad with dementia still wants to feel useful. Any ideas?
Ask him to design a dream business plan and run the business. He sounds as if he won't be insulted if he makes it into a... Ask him to design a dream business plan and run the business. He sounds as if he won't be insulted if he makes it into a self-challenging game. If there any retired businessmen around town that may want to coach him or play the game with him, that could be very helpful.
I understand that word games and such aren't attractive to many people but they need to keep their minds active. Young people play "fantasy" games building cities and such. Your husband could build a dream business. Just a thought but it may be worth running by him.
If that won't work, get him a Sims role playing game where he can build cities and such. There are likely others. Challenging enough to use his skills.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I understand that word games and such aren't attractive to many people but they need to keep their minds active. Young people play "fantasy" games building cities and such. Your husband could build a dream business. Just a thought but it may be worth running by him.
If that won't work, get him a Sims role playing game where he can build cities and such. There are likely others. Challenging enough to use his skills.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How to get rid of our caregiver?
It sounds like Adult Protective Services may be needed. If they don't consider this exploitation - and they may not be able to say that... It sounds like Adult Protective Services may be needed. If they don't consider this exploitation - and they may not be able to say that it is - then you can't do much unless you or someone else obtains guardianship.
Elderly people have the right to make mistakes. Upsetting as this is, unless it can be proven that something illegal is going on, or that you mom isn't capable of making her own decisions, there may not be anything that you can do. I certainly see why this is upsetting to you, but if she's happy with the arrangement and nothing illegal or abusive is going on then you may be stuck.
Please keep us posted as you learn more.
Carol see more
Elderly people have the right to make mistakes. Upsetting as this is, unless it can be proven that something illegal is going on, or that you mom isn't capable of making her own decisions, there may not be anything that you can do. I certainly see why this is upsetting to you, but if she's happy with the arrangement and nothing illegal or abusive is going on then you may be stuck.
Please keep us posted as you learn more.
Carol see more
Question
How best to transition the aging parent into the nursing home?
This is a painful decision that has to be made on a personal level. My parents would have felt abandoned if I hadn't visited daily,... This is a painful decision that has to be made on a personal level. My parents would have felt abandoned if I hadn't visited daily, especially my dad who did have dementia but he didn’t have Alzheimer’s and he remembered people.
I kept it up for years since I had several loved ones in the same nursing home. Yes, I spoiled them, for good or bad.
There are some people that do adjust better when the family visits less. I just don't think a blanket policy is a good idea. However it's done, family members should go often enough to get to know the staff and be a visible part of the routine. Also, as was mentioned, short meaningful visits may be better than long drawn out ones.
People with Alzheimer's may not remember you were there the day before, but they do remember faces and repetition helps. My mother-in-law couldn't have told anyone I was coming or who I was, but she'd sit by the elevator and by her face the staff knew she understood I was there for her. So, again, this is an individual matter. Don't expect that your family will get it down perfectly because there's no such thing. Communicate and each person can do what seems best. Good luck. We're with you.
Carol see more
I kept it up for years since I had several loved ones in the same nursing home. Yes, I spoiled them, for good or bad.
There are some people that do adjust better when the family visits less. I just don't think a blanket policy is a good idea. However it's done, family members should go often enough to get to know the staff and be a visible part of the routine. Also, as was mentioned, short meaningful visits may be better than long drawn out ones.
People with Alzheimer's may not remember you were there the day before, but they do remember faces and repetition helps. My mother-in-law couldn't have told anyone I was coming or who I was, but she'd sit by the elevator and by her face the staff knew she understood I was there for her. So, again, this is an individual matter. Don't expect that your family will get it down perfectly because there's no such thing. Communicate and each person can do what seems best. Good luck. We're with you.
Carol see more
Question
Could statins cause a demented person to be more confused?
I agree with what's been said about statins. While some research shows that they are okay, more and more we are seeing exceptions. They... I agree with what's been said about statins. While some research shows that they are okay, more and more we are seeing exceptions. They were given out to anyone with slightly high cholesterol ten or so years ago but many doctors are more careful now. Still, there is pressure to lower cholesterol and statins are the go-to method. For many elderly people they do more harm than good.
It's good to see that many people here have done their own research. We need to be our own health advocates, although finding a doctor we can trust is vital, as well. One who respects our reservations about prescriptions is usually good.
Carol see more
It's good to see that many people here have done their own research. We need to be our own health advocates, although finding a doctor we can trust is vital, as well. One who respects our reservations about prescriptions is usually good.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad is threatening to make rash decisions with his and my Mom's money. Any suggestions?
While it's possible that your dad has some valid ideas, it sounds to me as if your concern is that he wants control over his money no... While it's possible that your dad has some valid ideas, it sounds to me as if your concern is that he wants control over his money no matter what. Is there a way that you can give him a small amount to "play" with? A lot depends on assets, but if he has his own account of some kind maybe that would satisfy him.
If your parents have a financial counselor this person may be able to reason with your dad. Getting things out of the family can be a big plus - it takes away the feeling that he's being bossed around.
Good luck with your struggle. This isn't uncommon and it is very, very frustrating.
Carol see more
If your parents have a financial counselor this person may be able to reason with your dad. Getting things out of the family can be a big plus - it takes away the feeling that he's being bossed around.
Good luck with your struggle. This isn't uncommon and it is very, very frustrating.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad with dementia still wants to feel useful. Any ideas?
You've very wise to recognize that we all need to feel useful. I like the idea of adult day care because he can be a... You've very wise to recognize that we all need to feel useful. I like the idea of adult day care because he can be a "volunteer" in that setting. Many people thrive on that.
Also, at least one ADC here in my community actually has a real "shop" where the guys - and women if they want - can go and build things under supervision.
Other ideas mentioned here are good, too. The key is to let your dad lead the way and allow as much as he can do. Offer help but do so with tact. The caregiver can say "would you help me learn that?" The you or the caregiver can do the trickier part while your dad "instructs" you.
Good luck with your search. You have the right instincts so you'll find ways to help him.
Carol see more
Also, at least one ADC here in my community actually has a real "shop" where the guys - and women if they want - can go and build things under supervision.
Other ideas mentioned here are good, too. The key is to let your dad lead the way and allow as much as he can do. Offer help but do so with tact. The caregiver can say "would you help me learn that?" The you or the caregiver can do the trickier part while your dad "instructs" you.
Good luck with your search. You have the right instincts so you'll find ways to help him.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad has dementia. How do we help him?
Educate yourself about Alzheimer's. The Alzheimer's Association is an excellent resource. Thankfully, the do not argue rule is now... Educate yourself about Alzheimer's. The Alzheimer's Association is an excellent resource. Thankfully, the do not argue rule is now accepted nearly universally. The idea is that you must get into his world since he can't get into yours.
My dad has dementia as a result of failed surgery. The following Agingcare article tells part of my story and the learning process is you're interested: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/understand-what-a-person-with-alzheimers-is-feeling-121365.htm A Caregiver’s Story: Getting Into a Dementia Patient’s Head.
You will need a lot of support. Please keep coming back to agingcare. This community is packed with the wisdom of those in the trenches.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
My dad has dementia as a result of failed surgery. The following Agingcare article tells part of my story and the learning process is you're interested: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/understand-what-a-person-with-alzheimers-is-feeling-121365.htm A Caregiver’s Story: Getting Into a Dementia Patient’s Head.
You will need a lot of support. Please keep coming back to agingcare. This community is packed with the wisdom of those in the trenches.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
Why do I have to cash in my Dad's life insurance policy if I'm paying for it?
Generally, the cash can be used for a funeral - at least a certain amount. As nearly everyone here has said, states vary since Medicaid is... Generally, the cash can be used for a funeral - at least a certain amount. As nearly everyone here has said, states vary since Medicaid is state run.
Good idea to check all of this out.
Carol see more
Good idea to check all of this out.
Carol see more
Question
Any advice with the transitioning of my Mom (87) to assisted living?
Well done Iag4309! You were in a unique position to make a transition as smooth as possible. One woman I know did a similar thing with... Well done Iag4309! You were in a unique position to make a transition as smooth as possible. One woman I know did a similar thing with adult day care. The ADC was attached to a great nursing home. When her husband was at ADC, she'd take him to stroll the floor of the nursing home and even asked the ADC staff to do the same. When the time came for him to get a room at the NH he hardly noticed the difference. It was the best that could be expected.
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Question
How can I help my disabled elderly relative with his messy toileting issues?
The bedside toilet with the bathmat underneath is brilliant! Convincing a man to sit down can be hard but once he does it can make a big... The bedside toilet with the bathmat underneath is brilliant! Convincing a man to sit down can be hard but once he does it can make a big difference. Both good ideas.
Older bladders and pelvic floor muscles can be weak and there's often not a lot of time between the urge to go and the flow. It's also part of brain training so the whole process is complicated.
The unique coping ideas that come from this community are inspiring. Thanks for starting the New Year off so well!
Carol see more
Older bladders and pelvic floor muscles can be weak and there's often not a lot of time between the urge to go and the flow. It's also part of brain training so the whole process is complicated.
The unique coping ideas that come from this community are inspiring. Thanks for starting the New Year off so well!
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone ever hired a free-lance person to help with an elderly person in the home?
Remember that your own health is vital to be the caregiver you want to be. I agree with the others. If you bring her home you may be... Remember that your own health is vital to be the caregiver you want to be.
I agree with the others. If you bring her home you may be taking on far more than you realize. Hiring help can be hard. If she's receiving hospice care now, the facility will coordinate with hospice and you can relax and be the loving daughter that your mother needs now rather than a completely exhausted caregiver. Unless you already know someone you can count on 100% to help you at home, I think you're better off leaving her where she is.
Please keep us posted. We'd like to know how you are handling this.
Carol see more
I agree with the others. If you bring her home you may be taking on far more than you realize. Hiring help can be hard. If she's receiving hospice care now, the facility will coordinate with hospice and you can relax and be the loving daughter that your mother needs now rather than a completely exhausted caregiver. Unless you already know someone you can count on 100% to help you at home, I think you're better off leaving her where she is.
Please keep us posted. We'd like to know how you are handling this.
Carol see more
Question
Mom is acting more spoiled, unthankful lately, a total departure from her usual pattern. How do I approach thi...
This isn't your mom - it's the disease - so try to roll with it, as hard as that is to do. However, a visit to the doctor is in... This isn't your mom - it's the disease - so try to roll with it, as hard as that is to do. However, a visit to the doctor is in order. She could have developed a urinary tract infection or she simply may have developed anxiety over the increased commotion during the holidays. Whatever the reason, a checkup is likely in order.
Please keep us posted on how it's going.
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how it's going.
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Question
Female patient (88) drinking possibly a gallon of vodka in a month. Any advice?
Medically, it's probably not okay to have the vodka with the medication. Practically? I'd say that if that's what she wants... Medically, it's probably not okay to have the vodka with the medication.
Practically? I'd say that if that's what she wants she should have it (but not drive). Yes, it could contribute to falls. Yes, it could, in the end, kill her. But if she is to stop the vodka, she should be medically weaned.
If she were younger, then I'd try to work with her on this as it could be worth your while. But this is about her chosen quality of life and she is 88 years old. She is independent. She enjoys her vodka. It doesn't sound like she has a lot of other medications.
Her family should be in on the decision, but if this were my mother, I'd let her have her vodka if she wanted it. That's simply a personal opinion. I'll repeat that medically this is likely not sound advice so you should work with the family. If it makes you more comfortable, have them sign a disclaimer that it's not your fault if the vodka causes a problem. Good luck,
Carol see more
Practically? I'd say that if that's what she wants she should have it (but not drive). Yes, it could contribute to falls. Yes, it could, in the end, kill her. But if she is to stop the vodka, she should be medically weaned.
If she were younger, then I'd try to work with her on this as it could be worth your while. But this is about her chosen quality of life and she is 88 years old. She is independent. She enjoys her vodka. It doesn't sound like she has a lot of other medications.
Her family should be in on the decision, but if this were my mother, I'd let her have her vodka if she wanted it. That's simply a personal opinion. I'll repeat that medically this is likely not sound advice so you should work with the family. If it makes you more comfortable, have them sign a disclaimer that it's not your fault if the vodka causes a problem. Good luck,
Carol see more
My Dad has severe arthritis Would a compression cushion help?
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