Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My Dad needs full time care is there a program that can help me with getting paid?
Hi cmod, It's not wrong at all to feel the need to be paid. Many of us have quit jobs to stay home to care for our loved ones. We not... Hi cmod,
It's not wrong at all to feel the need to be paid. Many of us have quit jobs to stay home to care for our loved ones. We not only take a hit at the time but we take a further hit in our eventual Social Security.
That being said, some states may pay you for some hours of care if your parents are on Medicaid. That may be determined by where you live. If your parents have assets, together you could have a contract drawn up by an attorney that states that they will pay you a set amount to care for them. Make sure this is done legally.
I have a feeling from what you said that your parents may not have a lot of assets, so your best bet may be to see if you a fortunate enough to live in a state where Medicaid will pay family members a stipend. It's not likely to replace the income you left, but it may help. Check with your state to see if this is possible.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It's not wrong at all to feel the need to be paid. Many of us have quit jobs to stay home to care for our loved ones. We not only take a hit at the time but we take a further hit in our eventual Social Security.
That being said, some states may pay you for some hours of care if your parents are on Medicaid. That may be determined by where you live. If your parents have assets, together you could have a contract drawn up by an attorney that states that they will pay you a set amount to care for them. Make sure this is done legally.
I have a feeling from what you said that your parents may not have a lot of assets, so your best bet may be to see if you a fortunate enough to live in a state where Medicaid will pay family members a stipend. It's not likely to replace the income you left, but it may help. Check with your state to see if this is possible.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What's the difference between Home health care and Hospice care?
Did you invite the hospice reps to your home? I'm wondering how they got involved. Hospice is generally available only to those with... Did you invite the hospice reps to your home? I'm wondering how they got involved.
Hospice is generally available only to those with six month or less to live as determined by a physician. Many people live longer than that, but in order for Medicare to pay for hospice care, the doctor has to feel that the patient is considered terminal. If your mother-in-law is not considered terminal, then Medicare/Medicaid will most likely not pay for hospice, so please be sure what you sign on for.
Is your mother-in-law on Medicaid? Most Medicare help is limited to nursing care.
If Medicare/Medicaid is paying for the care that you mentioned, you are fortunate. Many states don't offer such services through Medicare. A handful have Medicaid's Cash and Counseling - I wish all states did.
Grab on to what is available and then look into hospice when the doctor says the time is right.
Take care,
Carol see more
Hospice is generally available only to those with six month or less to live as determined by a physician. Many people live longer than that, but in order for Medicare to pay for hospice care, the doctor has to feel that the patient is considered terminal. If your mother-in-law is not considered terminal, then Medicare/Medicaid will most likely not pay for hospice, so please be sure what you sign on for.
Is your mother-in-law on Medicaid? Most Medicare help is limited to nursing care.
If Medicare/Medicaid is paying for the care that you mentioned, you are fortunate. Many states don't offer such services through Medicare. A handful have Medicaid's Cash and Counseling - I wish all states did.
Grab on to what is available and then look into hospice when the doctor says the time is right.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom has dementia, she is in and out of hospital for UTI's. Getting to be she needs 24 hr care. What do we d...
One reason many elderly people fear nursing homes so much is that they have only seem them in years passed. While there are still some very... One reason many elderly people fear nursing homes so much is that they have only seem them in years passed. While there are still some very bad homes around, there are also many excellent ones.
If the nursing homes near you are good, it seems to me that this 24-hour care and the UTIs could be managed there. You can spend as much time with your mother as possible as well as be her advocate. Drop in at odd times since that gives you a pretty accurate idea of the care she's receiving. Don't expect one on one care or perfection from the staff but if they are kind and caring and they pay attention to your mother's needs, then she should do okay.
Yes, she'll be upset, but once settled in she may feel safe and relieved not to be in and out of the hospital so often. Every hospitalization can set back someone with dementia. A nursing home can take care of many of the issues right there so she can still be in her own room without all the hospital admissions. Adjustment will take time but I don't see that you have much choice.
Please let us know what you decide and how you are doing.
Carol see more
If the nursing homes near you are good, it seems to me that this 24-hour care and the UTIs could be managed there. You can spend as much time with your mother as possible as well as be her advocate. Drop in at odd times since that gives you a pretty accurate idea of the care she's receiving. Don't expect one on one care or perfection from the staff but if they are kind and caring and they pay attention to your mother's needs, then she should do okay.
Yes, she'll be upset, but once settled in she may feel safe and relieved not to be in and out of the hospital so often. Every hospitalization can set back someone with dementia. A nursing home can take care of many of the issues right there so she can still be in her own room without all the hospital admissions. Adjustment will take time but I don't see that you have much choice.
Please let us know what you decide and how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How can I support my husband whose Dad's dying from cancer?
As everyone here has said, just being there, listening when he wants to talk and showing physical affection through hugs and other... As everyone here has said, just being there, listening when he wants to talk and showing physical affection through hugs and other gestures may be all you can do. I'd let him know that you are open to talking more about his dad whenever he wants to, but for some men, especially, opening up is very difficult.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Considering that you care for your mother and are now trying to help your husband, you are carrying a heavy load. We are here to listen to you and make suggestions when we can.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Considering that you care for your mother and are now trying to help your husband, you are carrying a heavy load. We are here to listen to you and make suggestions when we can.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
The Humana insurance we were told would pay for 3 months. Now what?
Most Medicare supplements don't pay for nursing home care, but if you were told that this policy would pay then you can report them to... Most Medicare supplements don't pay for nursing home care, but if you were told that this policy would pay then you can report them to Medicare.
Companies have to earn their right to be a Medicare supplement provider so if they are not paying when they should please call the Medicare number and tell them that this company is not following the policy they promised. This won't be a fast process, so I'm not sure what to tell you about the short term Maybe someone else will have a suggestions.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Companies have to earn their right to be a Medicare supplement provider so if they are not paying when they should please call the Medicare number and tell them that this company is not following the policy they promised. This won't be a fast process, so I'm not sure what to tell you about the short term Maybe someone else will have a suggestions.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is having recurrent UTIs. Nothing seems to help. Any advice?
Not emptying is fairly common in older women - especially those who've had babies. The bladder can be tipped a bit or another organ... Not emptying is fairly common in older women - especially those who've had babies. The bladder can be tipped a bit or another organ could have slipped out of place and be putting pressure on it. Whatever the cause, it's not unusual. So if there's a medication that can help prevent infections, that's wonderful!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is having recurrent UTIs. Nothing seems to help. Any advice?
Unfortunately, there is some evidence that antibiotics aren't working for some bladder infections. Some blame it on the antibiotics fed... Unfortunately, there is some evidence that antibiotics aren't working for some bladder infections. Some blame it on the antibiotics fed to animals. When we eat meat, we get small doses and the drugs become less efficient when we need them. I want to be clear - this is second hand information. And yes - I eat meat, though not huge amounts, so this isn't an anti-meat statement.
Stubborn UTIs do seem to be more frequent in elderly women than in the past, but then we get back to the fact that people live longer so they will have more problems.
It's disturbing, though, that so many of you have seen UTIs in your moms that won't go away. What misery for the person with the disease and also the caregiver.
Keep the information coming since someone may have a tip that can make all the difference for another reader.
Carol see more
Stubborn UTIs do seem to be more frequent in elderly women than in the past, but then we get back to the fact that people live longer so they will have more problems.
It's disturbing, though, that so many of you have seen UTIs in your moms that won't go away. What misery for the person with the disease and also the caregiver.
Keep the information coming since someone may have a tip that can make all the difference for another reader.
Carol see more
Question
Who is responsible for bills when parents die?
Most states don't go after heirs for the nursing home money but if they have the filial responsibility law on the books they can. If... Most states don't go after heirs for the nursing home money but if they have the filial responsibility law on the books they can. If someone has a lot of money, they are more likely to go after it.
Other than that, as JessieBelle said, the estate pays the bills. Copies of death certificates are needed if the bill can't be paid off and even to close the account, so get a lot of those.
Take care,
Carol see more
Other than that, as JessieBelle said, the estate pays the bills. Copies of death certificates are needed if the bill can't be paid off and even to close the account, so get a lot of those.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Delusion or the truth?
We're so glad that you find comfort in this community. You are helping others while you seek comfort yourself.
Take care,
Carol
Take care,
Carol
Question
Delusion or the truth?
I'm so sorry you have to live with this, but please understand that many people with dementia have said such things even when there has... I'm so sorry you have to live with this, but please understand that many people with dementia have said such things even when there has been no infidelity at all. They mix up people and past events and cognitively are in an era where even the person they've been married to for decades isn't recognized.
I'd consider this a delusion. It sounds as if your husband is supportive of you and he handled this well. Try to do the same as he did - just change the subject if this comes up again.
As you can see on this thread of comments, others have heard some pretty bizarre things from their parents as well. Painful as it is, it's best to ignore it and move forward. You truly aren't alone.
Please keep us up on how you are doing.
Carol see more
I'd consider this a delusion. It sounds as if your husband is supportive of you and he handled this well. Try to do the same as he did - just change the subject if this comes up again.
As you can see on this thread of comments, others have heard some pretty bizarre things from their parents as well. Painful as it is, it's best to ignore it and move forward. You truly aren't alone.
Please keep us up on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Can Alzheimer's patients ever stop memory meds?
Hi Ritashelper, As mentioned by several people on this thread, some people get better once they are off the drugs, so you are right to... Hi Ritashelper,
As mentioned by several people on this thread, some people get better once they are off the drugs, so you are right to question her being on them too long.
Several studies have found that there is a time frame where the medications help some people (not everyone by any means) but once they pass a certain place in their disease the medications no longer help and may do harm because of side effects.
This is something that you need to discuss with the doctor. You are also free to seek a second opinion. You're smart to question any drug and also question the length of time the drug is given.
Please keep us posted as you go through this process.
Carol see more
As mentioned by several people on this thread, some people get better once they are off the drugs, so you are right to question her being on them too long.
Several studies have found that there is a time frame where the medications help some people (not everyone by any means) but once they pass a certain place in their disease the medications no longer help and may do harm because of side effects.
This is something that you need to discuss with the doctor. You are also free to seek a second opinion. You're smart to question any drug and also question the length of time the drug is given.
Please keep us posted as you go through this process.
Carol see more
Question
Is it ever a good idea to quit our jobs to care for our parents?
One of the biggest issues we face if we quit jobs is that when it comes to Social Security we lose big time. If we can quit for a year or... One of the biggest issues we face if we quit jobs is that when it comes to Social Security we lose big time. If we can quit for a year or two and still keep up our skills, then maybe it will be okay. But many of us have care responsibilities that last many years or even decades. Then, when we try to go back to work because we need the money and can no longer stay home as a full-time caregiver we have gaps in our resumes (as was mentioned). Younger, cheaper employees have taken our places. And as I mentioned, our SS has taken a huge hit.
I think it's great to stay home and I don't regret the years I spent doing so but I can't say it was a "wise" decision. Practicality and our hearts can be at odds. This is just a very hard decision. Whatever choice a caregiver makes, I support it. Just try to think through all of the consequences so you go in with your eyes open.
Blessings,
Carol see more
I think it's great to stay home and I don't regret the years I spent doing so but I can't say it was a "wise" decision. Practicality and our hearts can be at odds. This is just a very hard decision. Whatever choice a caregiver makes, I support it. Just try to think through all of the consequences so you go in with your eyes open.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
Are advance directive for health care good in all states?
I would definitely ask an attorney who knows MD law. States can vary widely about what is required and you don't want any nasty... I would definitely ask an attorney who knows MD law. States can vary widely about what is required and you don't want any nasty surprises at a time of crisis. Better to have it all defined ahead of time. Good luck.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicaid view the home as an exempt asset?
gladimhere is right, at least as far as I know. Medicaid will want whatever money they can get from a sale of the home. Timing of the sale... gladimhere is right, at least as far as I know. Medicaid will want whatever money they can get from a sale of the home. Timing of the sale would likely be up to them.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Mom with dementia seems to have food left in her mouth long after she has finished a meal or snack. Any sug...
Patrice said that her mother eats better if Patrice just concentrates on the feeding. Studies have shown that "attentive feeding"... Patrice said that her mother eats better if Patrice just concentrates on the feeding.
Studies have shown that "attentive feeding" generally results in better eating. Of course, the fact that the caregiver will always have no other distractions is unrealistic, but still attention matters and this attention while feeding counts as close interaction which likely explains Patrice's mother's response.
The genuine support you give each other always makes me smile.
Carol see more
Studies have shown that "attentive feeding" generally results in better eating. Of course, the fact that the caregiver will always have no other distractions is unrealistic, but still attention matters and this attention while feeding counts as close interaction which likely explains Patrice's mother's response.
The genuine support you give each other always makes me smile.
Carol see more
Question
Husband has Alzheimer's. What should I do?
Excellent advice as always, Sunnygirl. If volunteers can't go in then in-home care may work.
Question
Dad wants to bring Mom home overnight for Thanksgiving. Any advice?
Like Suber48, we ended up having two holidays. With multiple elders there were years where some came to the home while others stayed in the... Like Suber48, we ended up having two holidays. With multiple elders there were years where some came to the home while others stayed in the care facility. It all depended on how they were doing and the stress they would go through coming to the house.
In the end, having two separate celebrations (yes, it's a lot of work) was something that we did for years. The whole month between Thanksgiving and Christmas was one long decorating binge for me - at one time decorating 3 places besides my home, having meals in two places, etc. It's exhausting but it was better than having a person with dementia set back from the stress.
This is different for everyone, often depending on the stage of dementia. As you can see, there is a lot of good advice here in the community so read each addition and see what best suits your situation.
Take care of yourself, too. This is tough.
Carol see more
In the end, having two separate celebrations (yes, it's a lot of work) was something that we did for years. The whole month between Thanksgiving and Christmas was one long decorating binge for me - at one time decorating 3 places besides my home, having meals in two places, etc. It's exhausting but it was better than having a person with dementia set back from the stress.
This is different for everyone, often depending on the stage of dementia. As you can see, there is a lot of good advice here in the community so read each addition and see what best suits your situation.
Take care of yourself, too. This is tough.
Carol see more
Question
Husband has Alzheimer's. What should I do?
One of the biggest challenges of caregivers is "who needs us the most?" Choosing between a child - even an adult child - and an... One of the biggest challenges of caregivers is "who needs us the most?" Choosing between a child - even an adult child - and an ailing spouse or parent is agonizing.
Since your daughter with cancer has her husband for support and your own husband who is your children's father, can't be left alone, my own opinion is that your family would be better off if you stayed home. Your daughter doesn’t need to worry about her father while she’s having surgery. You making sure everything is taken care of on that end would likely be more helpful than if you went to be with her. My thoughts would be different if your daughter didn't have her husband for support, but she does.
Perhaps you can take your husband along to visit your daughter after she recovers a bit. You could stay in a motel so that she doesn't have extra pressure of company but you'd still be able to see how she's recovering. Or, maybe your daughter in town could stay with your husband or have him stay with her just for a couple of days so you could be with your ill daughter after she’s recovered a bit.
Whatever you decide, don’t let guilt rule. You are in a difficult situation that doesn’t have a perfect solution. Each family is different so be open in your communication with your daughters so you can work out the best approach possible.
Best wishes to your daughter in her recovery and to you for all the stress you are enduring.
Carol see more
Since your daughter with cancer has her husband for support and your own husband who is your children's father, can't be left alone, my own opinion is that your family would be better off if you stayed home. Your daughter doesn’t need to worry about her father while she’s having surgery. You making sure everything is taken care of on that end would likely be more helpful than if you went to be with her. My thoughts would be different if your daughter didn't have her husband for support, but she does.
Perhaps you can take your husband along to visit your daughter after she recovers a bit. You could stay in a motel so that she doesn't have extra pressure of company but you'd still be able to see how she's recovering. Or, maybe your daughter in town could stay with your husband or have him stay with her just for a couple of days so you could be with your ill daughter after she’s recovered a bit.
Whatever you decide, don’t let guilt rule. You are in a difficult situation that doesn’t have a perfect solution. Each family is different so be open in your communication with your daughters so you can work out the best approach possible.
Best wishes to your daughter in her recovery and to you for all the stress you are enduring.
Carol see more
Question
Can anyone help me understand my role caring for a spouse with Parkinson's Disease?
Marylou, I know about being torn between the needs of an elder (your spouse, my multiple elders) and a child with needs that other parents... Marylou, I know about being torn between the needs of an elder (your spouse, my multiple elders) and a child with needs that other parents don't have to consider.
The child's needs will always be with you no matter how old he or she gets. The older person is vulnerable and needs your help. It's exhausting to say the least and it's easy to feel hopeless.
Taking each day as it is and trying to find some way, even if it's small, to give yourself a treat helps. Support from people who understand each side of the spectrum helps.
Faith has helped me. However, we who have children who will always need us have to wonder what will become of them when we are gone. It's not an easy life. Blessings to you for trying to find ways to cope.
Carol see more
The child's needs will always be with you no matter how old he or she gets. The older person is vulnerable and needs your help. It's exhausting to say the least and it's easy to feel hopeless.
Taking each day as it is and trying to find some way, even if it's small, to give yourself a treat helps. Support from people who understand each side of the spectrum helps.
Faith has helped me. However, we who have children who will always need us have to wonder what will become of them when we are gone. It's not an easy life. Blessings to you for trying to find ways to cope.
Carol see more
My Dad needs full time care is there a program that can help me with getting paid?
Carol see more