Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do you discuss long term care with a family member?
It's often best to have a third party help you out. This can be the doctor or even a life-long friend. Family dynamics can get in the... It's often best to have a third party help you out. This can be the doctor or even a life-long friend. Family dynamics can get in the way when the "child" tells the parent that it's time. I'm not saying it's ever easy, but having someone who is not a family member - clergy? - can often help make it happen. Good luck,
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Question
Where would I go to get a home safety assessment for the home of an elderly couple?
Everishlass, as always, has some wise suggestions. Social service agencies are sometimes willing to send someone over to the home, as well.... Everishlass, as always, has some wise suggestions. Social service agencies are sometimes willing to send someone over to the home, as well. If you are worried about safety to the point that they are neglected or abused the adult protective services through you county Social Services is where you'd go. If you just want someone to convince them to removed throw rugs, etc. then a social worker can help. Most communities have a non-profit social services agency. If dementia is involved, the Alzheimer's Association will send someone over. Thanks for being a wonderful neighbor!
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Question
How do seniors get around without a car?
Some communities are much better than others about providing transportation. Poor options to get around make it much harder for seniors to... Some communities are much better than others about providing transportation. Poor options to get around make it much harder for seniors to stop driving. All cities need to look at that problem and step up to the plate.
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Is there such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome for caregivers?
Wonderful answer, DaveIFM!
Carol
Carol
Question
Is there such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome for caregivers?
I believe that our "new normal" is going to be different than before stressful caregiving. Even for those of us with multiple... I believe that our "new normal" is going to be different than before stressful caregiving. Even for those of us with multiple people to care for, certain events with certain people can come back to us for a long time.
We can have "flashbacks" for years. Still, if you are having serious problems, you may want to see a counselor for awhile just to talk things out.
Just to put things in context a bit, you may also like to read: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
Take care of yourself now,
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We can have "flashbacks" for years. Still, if you are having serious problems, you may want to see a counselor for awhile just to talk things out.
Just to put things in context a bit, you may also like to read: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
Take care of yourself now,
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Question
My Dad lives with us and my husband is jealous and depressed. Any advice?
If you are determined to make this work, then you'll have to step back and see how they do when you have taken some time for yourself.... If you are determined to make this work, then you'll have to step back and see how they do when you have taken some time for yourself.
I'd like to mention that your husband may feel some anger or jealousy because his parents were across the country and he saw very little of them throughout their last years yet you parents have lived with you. Right or wrong, this needs to be considered. It's not as if he didn't give anything at all. He now has health issues, including depression and paranoia. He could even be having early signs of dementia and he may be aware of that and frightened.
You can only handle so much. As was mentioned by others, there are some excellent assisted living facilities where your dad would have company and may actually feel less dependent than he does under this current situation.
You can only handle so much. Your husband has illnesses he can't help and you may collapse yourself, mentally and/or physically if you don't make changes. To me it's either accept how things are and step back to see what happens when you decide to take some time off or make changes that will enable you all to have a less stressful life.
None of this is easy and no one but you can make these decisions for you. We're here to listen, however. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
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I'd like to mention that your husband may feel some anger or jealousy because his parents were across the country and he saw very little of them throughout their last years yet you parents have lived with you. Right or wrong, this needs to be considered. It's not as if he didn't give anything at all. He now has health issues, including depression and paranoia. He could even be having early signs of dementia and he may be aware of that and frightened.
You can only handle so much. As was mentioned by others, there are some excellent assisted living facilities where your dad would have company and may actually feel less dependent than he does under this current situation.
You can only handle so much. Your husband has illnesses he can't help and you may collapse yourself, mentally and/or physically if you don't make changes. To me it's either accept how things are and step back to see what happens when you decide to take some time off or make changes that will enable you all to have a less stressful life.
None of this is easy and no one but you can make these decisions for you. We're here to listen, however. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
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Question
Who or what is a "Medicaid caseworker" Is this a random person answering phone when you call Medicaid?
Just to be clear, this won't necessarily be the person who first answers the phone but it may be the caseworker available when you... Just to be clear, this won't necessarily be the person who first answers the phone but it may be the caseworker available when you call. It depends on where you live. In my state, they go by the alphabet using the last name of the person applying (or who you are applying for). One may have letters A-K and another the rest of the alphabet. Of course, places with larger populations will (we hope) have more caseworkers so they may do it differently. Unfortunately, you can't choose your caseworker.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
Any ideas on how to tame down manipulation?
Major depressive disorder is horrible to live with (for the person who has it and for the person or people trying to care for the ill loved... Major depressive disorder is horrible to live with (for the person who has it and for the person or people trying to care for the ill loved one). It’s not as easy to treat as just taking a pill.
I, too, question this person in geriatrics. He or she may need more education in overall mental health illnesses. Add age and perhaps dementia into the mix, with - as was already mentioned - the way your dad grew up about "women's work," and it's a recipe for disaster for your son and for you.
It sounds to me as if your son has some special needs as well. You have to balance these issues and it's agonizing. I know because I've been there and still am.
Still, there are places such as assisted living where your dad may thrive, but there may be nowhere that your son could do well without you. There is no shame in placing your dad in a facility and giving him the support that you can.
Your situation is harder than many people’s because of your son's needs. Consider placing your father. It's hard and he will fight it but in the end, you and your son can't go on like this. It’s also possible that your dad may do well in an environment where his meals are provided without question.
Please keep us posted. We do care about you.
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I, too, question this person in geriatrics. He or she may need more education in overall mental health illnesses. Add age and perhaps dementia into the mix, with - as was already mentioned - the way your dad grew up about "women's work," and it's a recipe for disaster for your son and for you.
It sounds to me as if your son has some special needs as well. You have to balance these issues and it's agonizing. I know because I've been there and still am.
Still, there are places such as assisted living where your dad may thrive, but there may be nowhere that your son could do well without you. There is no shame in placing your dad in a facility and giving him the support that you can.
Your situation is harder than many people’s because of your son's needs. Consider placing your father. It's hard and he will fight it but in the end, you and your son can't go on like this. It’s also possible that your dad may do well in an environment where his meals are provided without question.
Please keep us posted. We do care about you.
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Question
Mom appeared frequently in a new website from her nursing home. She has Alzheimer's, is informed consent requi...
Likely Pam is right. Most of us aren't thinking of these issues when we place a loved one in a care facility but likely the language is... Likely Pam is right. Most of us aren't thinking of these issues when we place a loved one in a care facility but likely the language is there.
The larger the corporation is that owns the facility the more likely the images will be widely used. My community has good facilities, most of which are owned by religious non-profits that aren't large, but one or two are owned by large corporations. This topic has made me wonder about their contracts.
Sometimes we sign away rights without being aware. It's the nature of these endless terms and conditions. One would need a personal attorney to completely read and understand the implications of everything said so most of us don't take it all as seriously as we should - especially when under stress.
I'm not sure what can be done about the pictures now used, but perhaps future picture use can be forbidden. Good luck,
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The larger the corporation is that owns the facility the more likely the images will be widely used. My community has good facilities, most of which are owned by religious non-profits that aren't large, but one or two are owned by large corporations. This topic has made me wonder about their contracts.
Sometimes we sign away rights without being aware. It's the nature of these endless terms and conditions. One would need a personal attorney to completely read and understand the implications of everything said so most of us don't take it all as seriously as we should - especially when under stress.
I'm not sure what can be done about the pictures now used, but perhaps future picture use can be forbidden. Good luck,
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Question
My Mom with dementia seems to have food left in her mouth long after she has finished a meal or snack. Any sug...
My mom would chew her pills - even those that were time-release coated. The doctor finally prescribed liquids that helped. Swallowing... My mom would chew her pills - even those that were time-release coated. The doctor finally prescribed liquids that helped.
Swallowing takes some thought, too, so I think that some elderly people, due to lace of feeling in their mouths or lack of awareness, just let food sit. They simply aren't comprehending that they should swallow. Offering a drink of water often can help, but of course swallowing problems can be tricky, so asking a specialist is a good idea. Sometimes liquids may need to be thickened.
Take care,
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Swallowing takes some thought, too, so I think that some elderly people, due to lace of feeling in their mouths or lack of awareness, just let food sit. They simply aren't comprehending that they should swallow. Offering a drink of water often can help, but of course swallowing problems can be tricky, so asking a specialist is a good idea. Sometimes liquids may need to be thickened.
Take care,
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Question
How can I get my Dad to accept responsibility and help me care for my Mom, who has Alzheimer's?
Sunnygirl is right. Under these conditions you won't be able to make them happy. That's why it can be better to work with an agency... Sunnygirl is right. Under these conditions you won't be able to make them happy. That's why it can be better to work with an agency where the caregivers are trained to understand this behavior and therefore (we hope) have longer staying power.
Your biggest problem will be unearned, undeserved guilt. I know. Most of us do because we're been there. Please keep looking and keep us posted.
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Your biggest problem will be unearned, undeserved guilt. I know. Most of us do because we're been there. Please keep looking and keep us posted.
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Question
How can I get my Dad to accept responsibility and help me care for my Mom, who has Alzheimer's?
Your Dad’s more than saddened by your mother's decline, he's in denial and that's not likely to changed. My mother could never... Your Dad’s more than saddened by your mother's decline, he's in denial and that's not likely to changed. My mother could never really "get" my dad's dementia and how best to interact with him. It wasn't for lack of love - she simply couldn't accept what his (overnight) dementia did to him. She really wasn't capable as his caregiver.
I, too, had multiple elders to care for over the course of many years. I know how hard it is to find just a few hours, let alone a few days, for yourself.
The only thing I can think of for you to do is to hire some in-home care. Because of the holidays I'd start lining something up if this is when you want to take time.
You deserve this time, so don't let guilt stop you. No matter if your dad complains or whatever else happens, just say this is how it is. Then do all the prep work you can and let a caregiving agency take over for a brief time. It may not hurt to break someone in ahead of time.
I realize that this is expensive, but your health is important. Please try to find a way.
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I, too, had multiple elders to care for over the course of many years. I know how hard it is to find just a few hours, let alone a few days, for yourself.
The only thing I can think of for you to do is to hire some in-home care. Because of the holidays I'd start lining something up if this is when you want to take time.
You deserve this time, so don't let guilt stop you. No matter if your dad complains or whatever else happens, just say this is how it is. Then do all the prep work you can and let a caregiving agency take over for a brief time. It may not hurt to break someone in ahead of time.
I realize that this is expensive, but your health is important. Please try to find a way.
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Question
My Mom is attending an Adult day care and they stated I'm to pay for the Thanksgiving holiday. Anyone else exp...
Are you otherwise satisfied by the care? Does your mom like it there? Sometimes it's not worth a fight if all else is well. However,... Are you otherwise satisfied by the care? Does your mom like it there? Sometimes it's not worth a fight if all else is well. However, that's for you to decide.
You may feel better armed with some facts. I'd call around to other ADCs and even child care and get some quotes. Then, if this ADC is unusual, you could nicely approach this them with your information.
Again, to me it's the big picture that counts the most, though others will likely disagree and they may be right. This is only my opinion. I know that this is expensive care and if they are closed it doesn't make sense to charge you in some ways, but if you pay by the month for full-time care that may be just the way it is.
Please let us know about what you learn and check back, too, for other opinions.
Take care,
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You may feel better armed with some facts. I'd call around to other ADCs and even child care and get some quotes. Then, if this ADC is unusual, you could nicely approach this them with your information.
Again, to me it's the big picture that counts the most, though others will likely disagree and they may be right. This is only my opinion. I know that this is expensive care and if they are closed it doesn't make sense to charge you in some ways, but if you pay by the month for full-time care that may be just the way it is.
Please let us know about what you learn and check back, too, for other opinions.
Take care,
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Question
Finding respite care. Any advice?
I'd start with an in-home care agency. Most will work by the hour so you may want to continue with a little help even after your break.... I'd start with an in-home care agency. Most will work by the hour so you may want to continue with a little help even after your break. All of the suggestions here have merit. Please let us know how you are getting along.
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Question
My doctor said because of my age I would not be able to get a new drug. Any advice?
I agree with CountryMouse. If the doctor is afraid that complications will be more of an issue because of your age, then he or she needs to... I agree with CountryMouse. If the doctor is afraid that complications will be more of an issue because of your age, then he or she needs to give you some guidance about what to do.
I'm surprised that you aren't already on Medicare but maybe you had better drug coverage under your old insurance. Medicare D is improving but still has a long way to go. Still, it's better than nothing, so if your doctor says that the drug isn't bad for you then it's time to find which Medicare D program (it's done through private companies) is best for you. The research is time consuming but it would be well worth checking out several reputable providers.
I do hope that you can find something that helps you without doing you harm. Please keep us posted.
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I'm surprised that you aren't already on Medicare but maybe you had better drug coverage under your old insurance. Medicare D is improving but still has a long way to go. Still, it's better than nothing, so if your doctor says that the drug isn't bad for you then it's time to find which Medicare D program (it's done through private companies) is best for you. The research is time consuming but it would be well worth checking out several reputable providers.
I do hope that you can find something that helps you without doing you harm. Please keep us posted.
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Question
How to afford assisted living?
Good point, Pam. It depends so much on the ALF and also, of course, what the person was paying in rent and other factors. It never hurts to... Good point, Pam. It depends so much on the ALF and also, of course, what the person was paying in rent and other factors. It never hurts to check. We have ALFs in my community that run in the range that you are talking about and some that are double that. They're all nice and livable with good care at several levels. Just lots of amenities in the high price ones.
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Question
How to afford assisted living?
Most assisted living is private pay. If the person is on Medicaid, then you'd have to check and see if there are some ALFs in your... Most assisted living is private pay. If the person is on Medicaid, then you'd have to check and see if there are some ALFs in your community that accept people on Medicaid.
The best thing to do is find some you like and talk over the financial considerations. I know it's tough. A lot depends on what state you live in.
Good luck,
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The best thing to do is find some you like and talk over the financial considerations. I know it's tough. A lot depends on what state you live in.
Good luck,
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Question
Mom appeared frequently in a new website from her nursing home. She has Alzheimer's, is informed consent requi...
I'd check with the ombudsman for the home. Go to the state website and look up nursing home ombudsman for the ZIP code of the home - or... I'd check with the ombudsman for the home. Go to the state website and look up nursing home ombudsman for the ZIP code of the home - or go to www.ltcombudsman.org. This person is your mother's representative. He or she could lead you to some conclusions.
My opinion is that informed consent should be mandatory for this kind of exposure. Since your mother's diagnosis is Alzheimer's, only her representative should be able to give consent. Please let us know how this goes.
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My opinion is that informed consent should be mandatory for this kind of exposure. Since your mother's diagnosis is Alzheimer's, only her representative should be able to give consent. Please let us know how this goes.
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Question
How do you deal with the lack of feelings towards you and the nothingness of holding and caring day by day?
Hi 1sally, You aren't alone in this struggle. When the person that you are taking care of can't communicate and may not even... Hi 1sally,
You aren't alone in this struggle. When the person that you are taking care of can't communicate and may not even recognize you, it takes an amazing amount of dedication and strength to continue on with the caregiving role.
Becoming educated about what Alzheimer's does to the brain of the person who has the disease can help the caregiver hang on.
Most of all, communicating with others who've been in your shoes helps us get through it. That's why this forum is here.
That's also why there are in-person support groups. I hope that you'll continue coming back to agingcare and tell us more about your situation. Don't be afraid to state the bare, ugly truth if you're feeling resentful or angry. That just means that you are normal.
The Alzheimer's Association sponsors many in-person groups, as well. So do some places of worship. Sharing your feelings with others who really know what you're going through is one important way of getting through this.
I would also recommend the Well Spouse Association to you.
Our thoughts are with you. Please keep checking back so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
You aren't alone in this struggle. When the person that you are taking care of can't communicate and may not even recognize you, it takes an amazing amount of dedication and strength to continue on with the caregiving role.
Becoming educated about what Alzheimer's does to the brain of the person who has the disease can help the caregiver hang on.
Most of all, communicating with others who've been in your shoes helps us get through it. That's why this forum is here.
That's also why there are in-person support groups. I hope that you'll continue coming back to agingcare and tell us more about your situation. Don't be afraid to state the bare, ugly truth if you're feeling resentful or angry. That just means that you are normal.
The Alzheimer's Association sponsors many in-person groups, as well. So do some places of worship. Sharing your feelings with others who really know what you're going through is one important way of getting through this.
I would also recommend the Well Spouse Association to you.
Our thoughts are with you. Please keep checking back so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
How do you discuss long term care with a family member?
Unfortunately, this is still rather a rare scenario. More often than not, people are left scrambling to try to make decisions in a crisis. And even with the best planning, a crisis can't always be avoided. It's tough all around but it's life.
Take care, all of you terrific people in this community. I love the way you help each other.
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