Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Can we as her family request accounting records, if so what is the process?
Hi Holdon, I'm so happy that your mother is doing better. You seem to have identified the problem and taken steps to correct it. Good... Hi Holdon,
I'm so happy that your mother is doing better. You seem to have identified the problem and taken steps to correct it. Good nursing homes can do very well with people like your mother. Bad ones - well, you saw that. I'm also glad that she's closer to you now so that you can visit and keep an eye on her.
It does sound as if the conservator was ill-informed or just plain manipulative/dishonest. Whatever the case, you may need to ask an elder law attorney for help. That doesn't mean you'd have to go to court but it seems to me that this is a situation that will require legal help.
Please keep us posted on how this is going. You've got a lot of stress with this money issue but your mother is better so that's a huge plus.
Carol see more
I'm so happy that your mother is doing better. You seem to have identified the problem and taken steps to correct it. Good nursing homes can do very well with people like your mother. Bad ones - well, you saw that. I'm also glad that she's closer to you now so that you can visit and keep an eye on her.
It does sound as if the conservator was ill-informed or just plain manipulative/dishonest. Whatever the case, you may need to ask an elder law attorney for help. That doesn't mean you'd have to go to court but it seems to me that this is a situation that will require legal help.
Please keep us posted on how this is going. You've got a lot of stress with this money issue but your mother is better so that's a huge plus.
Carol see more
Question
Am I being selfish for wanting to get away for a few days or having some quality date nights with my partner?
You are not selfish. It's time to look into a nursing home. While it's true that some areas of the country have better nursing... You are not selfish. It's time to look into a nursing home. While it's true that some areas of the country have better nursing homes than others, with some checking you should fine one that is good. Visit them and don't just go on a tour. Watch the staff interact with the residents. You can learn a lot from that.
As getnstrong said, " Nobody wants to see the face of a "constant complainer" approaching their office, but a good nursing home is open to hearing legitimate concerns, and will address them."
So, place your grandmother and then be an active part of her care. Visit often and be visible. Make friends with the staff and only complain about real issues. Don't expect perfection but expect good care.
Do not feel guilty for what you are doing. Whether you pay for help to come in or place your grandmother in a nursing home, continue the care that you can give but don't destroy your own health.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
As getnstrong said, " Nobody wants to see the face of a "constant complainer" approaching their office, but a good nursing home is open to hearing legitimate concerns, and will address them."
So, place your grandmother and then be an active part of her care. Visit often and be visible. Make friends with the staff and only complain about real issues. Don't expect perfection but expect good care.
Do not feel guilty for what you are doing. Whether you pay for help to come in or place your grandmother in a nursing home, continue the care that you can give but don't destroy your own health.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
My husband is stage 6 Alzheimer's, he has now been diagnosed with CHF and his liver is failing. Any advice?
Definitely call hospice. It sounds as if their specialized comfort care is needed. As to the stages, their are four stage and seven stage... Definitely call hospice. It sounds as if their specialized comfort care is needed.
As to the stages, their are four stage and seven stage scales depending on the organization however your husbands many health issues plus his obviously advanced Alzheimer's would indicate a need for comfort care.
Take care of yourself, too. This is tough to go through and hospice is generally good about providing guidance for the family.
Carol see more
As to the stages, their are four stage and seven stage scales depending on the organization however your husbands many health issues plus his obviously advanced Alzheimer's would indicate a need for comfort care.
Take care of yourself, too. This is tough to go through and hospice is generally good about providing guidance for the family.
Carol see more
Question
Can I get paid to take care of my elderly Mom from the state?
Igloo said it well. I join in wishing you the best.
Carol
Carol
Question
My Mom is in Hospice care. I don't feel this service is what I expected. Can anyone share their experiences wi...
I'm so sorry! Like anything else, all hospices are not equal. The hospice in my community (we only have one) is a non-profit and... I'm so sorry! Like anything else, all hospices are not equal.
The hospice in my community (we only have one) is a non-profit and absolutely wonderful though they don't have a facility. My parents were in a terrific nursing home at the time of their deaths so hospice worked seamlessly with them. I've talked with people who've had hospice in the home and they also had a great experience.
We did have a for-profit come into town but they only lasted 9 months. I'm not sure why but I think because the one we have is so good they couldn't get a foothold.
I don't know how many other choices you have and moving your mom at this stage is very hard for both of you. It's terrible that not all hospices are what they should be because everyone is so vulnerable at the time they need the services.
You could see if there is yet another service (possible if you live in a large city). Otherwise, you'll need to spend as much time with your mom as possible and bug the doctor to keep on top of things.
Again, I'm so sad for you. This just shouldn't happen but I know that it does.
Carol see more
The hospice in my community (we only have one) is a non-profit and absolutely wonderful though they don't have a facility. My parents were in a terrific nursing home at the time of their deaths so hospice worked seamlessly with them. I've talked with people who've had hospice in the home and they also had a great experience.
We did have a for-profit come into town but they only lasted 9 months. I'm not sure why but I think because the one we have is so good they couldn't get a foothold.
I don't know how many other choices you have and moving your mom at this stage is very hard for both of you. It's terrible that not all hospices are what they should be because everyone is so vulnerable at the time they need the services.
You could see if there is yet another service (possible if you live in a large city). Otherwise, you'll need to spend as much time with your mom as possible and bug the doctor to keep on top of things.
Again, I'm so sad for you. This just shouldn't happen but I know that it does.
Carol see more
Question
How to handle stress of caregiving my Mom with no help from family?
I agree with cwillie. You are not in a situation where you can provide the kind of care your mom needs. It's better to deal with it now... I agree with cwillie. You are not in a situation where you can provide the kind of care your mom needs. It's better to deal with it now than it would be to take her home, find out it doesn't work and then have to move her to a nursing home.
To ease the situation, you could do as was suggested and tell her that if she keeps working on her ADL's she may eventually get to a point where you can handle the care. However, one she is moved she may actually find that she can make friends and enjoy herself. Even if she doesn't, since there's no way you can provide 24/7 care, the best you may be able to do is visit as often as you can and see to it that her care is the best that it can be.
Good luck margee. This is hard and you'll feel guilty. But too many moves can be very hard on people and your description of this situation implies that you don't have much choice.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
To ease the situation, you could do as was suggested and tell her that if she keeps working on her ADL's she may eventually get to a point where you can handle the care. However, one she is moved she may actually find that she can make friends and enjoy herself. Even if she doesn't, since there's no way you can provide 24/7 care, the best you may be able to do is visit as often as you can and see to it that her care is the best that it can be.
Good luck margee. This is hard and you'll feel guilty. But too many moves can be very hard on people and your description of this situation implies that you don't have much choice.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do about the language barrier at my Mom's nursing home?
I agree that no one is going to have an interpreter all of the time. That's unrealistic. However Social Services should have someone... I agree that no one is going to have an interpreter all of the time. That's unrealistic. However Social Services should have someone who can figure out some kind of way for the people to relate. It's all about balance as with most things. Trying to help people with their needs while being realistic about how much can be provided.
Good call, PrettyGood.
Carol see more
Good call, PrettyGood.
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Question
My Mom (73) is acting attracted to my boyfriend, why?
CatRudy, that is so sad! In most cases, the person with dementia feels much younger and does what comes naturally because there are no... CatRudy, that is so sad! In most cases, the person with dementia feels much younger and does what comes naturally because there are no inhibitions.
I've heard from more than one young couple where the daughter-in-law, once close to her FIL, has to stay back and only visit when the son is there. This is because the elder doesn't understand that this woman is his son's wife. She's simply an attractive young woman and since he, in his brain, is an attractive young man, he flirts.
The flirting does feel "icky" and disconcerting to say the least. When the behavior goes beyond flirting the problems can become immense as CatRudy said. This is where there's a place for gender specific homes, though not many people have that choice.
Take care, all of you. It's just plain awful some days - coping with this all of the time.
Carol see more
I've heard from more than one young couple where the daughter-in-law, once close to her FIL, has to stay back and only visit when the son is there. This is because the elder doesn't understand that this woman is his son's wife. She's simply an attractive young woman and since he, in his brain, is an attractive young man, he flirts.
The flirting does feel "icky" and disconcerting to say the least. When the behavior goes beyond flirting the problems can become immense as CatRudy said. This is where there's a place for gender specific homes, though not many people have that choice.
Take care, all of you. It's just plain awful some days - coping with this all of the time.
Carol see more
Question
Can I get copy of my Dad's will?
Do you have Power Of Attorney? If not who does? You could talk to the attorney who drew up the will and see what other options you have.... Do you have Power Of Attorney? If not who does? You could talk to the attorney who drew up the will and see what other options you have.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
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Question
It is normal with Parkinson's to have really good days then bad days?
Absolutely! Parkinson's, dementia and other issues - even arthritis - is different on different days. That is one reason it's hard... Absolutely! Parkinson's, dementia and other issues - even arthritis - is different on different days. That is one reason it's hard to figure out if some medications are helping or not.
My dad's dementia was caused by a "poor outcome" of brain surgery needed because of a WWII injury. Some days were better than others. Some moments were better - what I call moments of clarity. These were rare. But there were some days that were horrible often followed by some that were better. This is something that you will learn to expect.
Caregiving is all about not knowing from one moment to the next how things will be. That's part of the stress. Please keep coming back for support from people who know.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
My dad's dementia was caused by a "poor outcome" of brain surgery needed because of a WWII injury. Some days were better than others. Some moments were better - what I call moments of clarity. These were rare. But there were some days that were horrible often followed by some that were better. This is something that you will learn to expect.
Caregiving is all about not knowing from one moment to the next how things will be. That's part of the stress. Please keep coming back for support from people who know.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do about the language barrier at my Mom's nursing home?
It does sound as if you're going to have to use the Federal law to find someone who can communicate well with your mother. With our... It does sound as if you're going to have to use the Federal law to find someone who can communicate well with your mother. With our much more diverse culture comes complications with language but these language barriers must be accommodated. We see it in hospitals and nursing homes that receive any Federal funding should also be held to this standard. Please let us know how you and your mother are doing.
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Carol see more
Question
My mom has dementia. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Is this normal?
Acceptance takes time, but accepting the fact that you can't change your mother's diagnosis is critical to how you handle it.... Acceptance takes time, but accepting the fact that you can't change your mother's diagnosis is critical to how you handle it. Acceptance doesn't mean that you like it - it simple means that you acknowledge in your heart that you can't fix it. From there you go on to learn how to cope.
Please keep coming back to this site where most of us have had experience in the sad and difficult road of caring for someone with dementia.
Carol see more
Please keep coming back to this site where most of us have had experience in the sad and difficult road of caring for someone with dementia.
Carol see more
Question
Does my Mom have MCI or not?
If your mom is having this many symptoms, I'd try to get a medical diagnosis for her. It's possible that anti-anxiety medications... If your mom is having this many symptoms, I'd try to get a medical diagnosis for her. It's possible that anti-anxiety medications could help but at least there would be a baseline for the doctor to go by. This could be the start of Alzheimer's but it's possible that you needn't do more than work with the doctor on anxiety at this time. Still, start planning for the future. And please keep in touch. You'll find friends here.
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Carol see more
Question
Does my Mom have MCI or not?
MCI frequently can turn into Alzheimer's but it doesn't always. As with anything, there are stages. If your mom has clinically... MCI frequently can turn into Alzheimer's but it doesn't always. As with anything, there are stages. If your mom has clinically diagnosed MCI it's good to plan and to keep an eye on her but don't go overboard yet. If she can be independent and wants to be she should be. I hope, however, that she's appointed a POA for health and for finances. That needs to be done if it hasn't yet.
There are some who think now that dementia is being over-diagnosed because of the rush to get early treatment. I'm not a medical person nor am I a scientist. However I've wondered about the same things you are wondering about. If someone seems fine but just has slower recall than before, is that really something to "treat"?
Your mom, her doctor and you should work together on this. You also, for peace of mind, may want a second opinion about whether she has MCI or is just aging normally. Encourage her to eat well, take whatever supplements that make sense (and are cleared by her doctor), exercise. She should socialize to her comfort level and do things that keep her mind active. None of that will hurt and some of it may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
There are some who think now that dementia is being over-diagnosed because of the rush to get early treatment. I'm not a medical person nor am I a scientist. However I've wondered about the same things you are wondering about. If someone seems fine but just has slower recall than before, is that really something to "treat"?
Your mom, her doctor and you should work together on this. You also, for peace of mind, may want a second opinion about whether she has MCI or is just aging normally. Encourage her to eat well, take whatever supplements that make sense (and are cleared by her doctor), exercise. She should socialize to her comfort level and do things that keep her mind active. None of that will hurt and some of it may help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone had luck with medication to take the edge off sundowning/ restlessness in very mobile person with Alzhe...
Unfortunately, since I'm not a medical person (and even if I were, I couldn't examine your mother) there isn't much I can... Unfortunately, since I'm not a medical person (and even if I were, I couldn't examine your mother) there isn't much I can recommend other than work with someone that you trust.
I'm not sure that this doctor is the right person if he doesn't take your concerns seriously and explain the potential risks as well as potential benefits, so perhaps you should see if there's a doctor who's a better fit?
Yes, you know the disease is progressive and you don't need to be put down about your concerns. It's about mutual respect.
Kalma belongs to a group of medicines called benzodiazepines which also can have serious side effects. However, you're going to have to find something that helps or live with things as they are. So, it's all trial and error and risk taking.
In the doctor's defense, there isn't anything that is guaranteed to work without side effects so it's scary. I know because my the loved one that I currently care for is on many powerful medications and they all have side effects. Sometimes we end up treating side effects with more drugs. So, it's always a balance - which is worse? Letting the symptoms be or trying to treat them knowing the risks?
I completely understand your fears. That's why finding a doctor who understands your fears but who can give you straight answers is good. If this doctor isn't too insulting, then stay put. If not, see if you can find one who is more about working together for the sake of your mom.
Please keep us posted!
Carol see more
I'm not sure that this doctor is the right person if he doesn't take your concerns seriously and explain the potential risks as well as potential benefits, so perhaps you should see if there's a doctor who's a better fit?
Yes, you know the disease is progressive and you don't need to be put down about your concerns. It's about mutual respect.
Kalma belongs to a group of medicines called benzodiazepines which also can have serious side effects. However, you're going to have to find something that helps or live with things as they are. So, it's all trial and error and risk taking.
In the doctor's defense, there isn't anything that is guaranteed to work without side effects so it's scary. I know because my the loved one that I currently care for is on many powerful medications and they all have side effects. Sometimes we end up treating side effects with more drugs. So, it's always a balance - which is worse? Letting the symptoms be or trying to treat them knowing the risks?
I completely understand your fears. That's why finding a doctor who understands your fears but who can give you straight answers is good. If this doctor isn't too insulting, then stay put. If not, see if you can find one who is more about working together for the sake of your mom.
Please keep us posted!
Carol see more
Question
Anyone had luck with medication to take the edge off sundowning/ restlessness in very mobile person with Alzhe...
Risperdol is a powerful drug. How much trust to you put in this doctor's advice? He or she is trying to help (from the sound of things)... Risperdol is a powerful drug. How much trust to you put in this doctor's advice? He or she is trying to help (from the sound of things) and sometimes Risperdol can do that. However, you are wisely concerned about side effects. If your mother tries this drug she needs to be monitored closely.
Ativan or other anti-anxiety drugs can also be used but they also have down sides so working with the doctor is what is necessary.
I wish we had more doctors trained in integrative medicine because there are herbs that may help but you really should have professional advice before using them with someone on anti-depressants so you're likely stuck with regular pharmaceutical options.
Much comes down to your trust in the doctor. If he or she will listen to you if you see negative side effects, maybe Risperdol is worth a try.
Good luck with this decision and please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Ativan or other anti-anxiety drugs can also be used but they also have down sides so working with the doctor is what is necessary.
I wish we had more doctors trained in integrative medicine because there are herbs that may help but you really should have professional advice before using them with someone on anti-depressants so you're likely stuck with regular pharmaceutical options.
Much comes down to your trust in the doctor. If he or she will listen to you if you see negative side effects, maybe Risperdol is worth a try.
Good luck with this decision and please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
Feeling overwhelmed at caring for my husband of 42 years who has COPD. Anyone understand?
Loneliness is a huge issues for caregivers. I'm caring for someone with serious lung issues now and I understand the drain on the... Loneliness is a huge issues for caregivers. I'm caring for someone with serious lung issues now and I understand the drain on the caregiver. It's horrible to watch the suffering your loved on must endure but as you all say, the world passes caregivers by.
Whether we are running between several people or concentrating on one, we never get a break. It's easy to say take time for yourself, but very hard to do. There is no easy answer for any of us but there is support right here on agingcare.
Carol see more
Whether we are running between several people or concentrating on one, we never get a break. It's easy to say take time for yourself, but very hard to do. There is no easy answer for any of us but there is support right here on agingcare.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone had their parent/spouse put on Buspar (for anxiety)?
Buspar works for some people but not others, as is true for most drugs. Always watch for side effects. However, I'm on your side in... Buspar works for some people but not others, as is true for most drugs. Always watch for side effects.
However, I'm on your side in that I'd want to know exactly WHY they are giving the meds. If it's just to make their lives easier, then it shouldn't be done. However, I've witnessed such horrendous anxiety that it's worse than any physical pain. If that's the case, by all means see what can be done to help. But the physician should be in touch with you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
However, I'm on your side in that I'd want to know exactly WHY they are giving the meds. If it's just to make their lives easier, then it shouldn't be done. However, I've witnessed such horrendous anxiety that it's worse than any physical pain. If that's the case, by all means see what can be done to help. But the physician should be in touch with you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my Dad to do things on his own now that he is living with me?
It seems that you have done (and are doing) everything that you can, however you may underestimate the impact that your mom's death and... It seems that you have done (and are doing) everything that you can, however you may underestimate the impact that your mom's death and then your dad's move have had on him. That's a lot for anyone to absorb let alone someone who already has at least one mental disorder.
It seems to me that he may be suffering from depression which may or may not be relieved by medication, but counseling may help. Some joint counseling may help, as well, so that you can both come to a better understanding of how this arrangement is supposed to work.
You'll have to get this figured out (his living with you) so that you can both have some time apart as well as together time. If counseling doesn't help, you may have to consider assisted living for him so that he has people around. I'd suggest in-home care first, but that will cost money unless he has a waiver of some type and you mention that you are both financially strapped. Eventually, something will have to change, so I'd try a doctor first. Good luck,
Carol see more
It seems to me that he may be suffering from depression which may or may not be relieved by medication, but counseling may help. Some joint counseling may help, as well, so that you can both come to a better understanding of how this arrangement is supposed to work.
You'll have to get this figured out (his living with you) so that you can both have some time apart as well as together time. If counseling doesn't help, you may have to consider assisted living for him so that he has people around. I'd suggest in-home care first, but that will cost money unless he has a waiver of some type and you mention that you are both financially strapped. Eventually, something will have to change, so I'd try a doctor first. Good luck,
Carol see more
What stage of dementia and Alzheimer's is my Mom?
Your mother is advancing in her dementia. The exact stage is only something that a doctor can determine but that isn't the issue here. The issue is that you have no help and can't keep this up.
Many people have made the promise that you've made only to find that they can't keep it. For your mother's sake as well as for your own, you need to get help. You've honored the spirit of the promise. It's time to move forward. Look for a good nursing home and then spend a lot of time with her there. They can do the hard physical work while you take care of her emotional needs and go back to being her daughter.
You may find it helpful to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-promised-my-parents-I-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more