Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?
What a horrendous thing to happen to your brother! I hope that he's getting professional counseling. Even law enforcement officers go... What a horrendous thing to happen to your brother! I hope that he's getting professional counseling. Even law enforcement officers go through counseling after they are involved in a death.
Your support is extremely valuable to him, Joel, but he will most likely need professional help as well.
That being said, he's lucky to have you by his side.
Carol see more
Your support is extremely valuable to him, Joel, but he will most likely need professional help as well.
That being said, he's lucky to have you by his side.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone experienced treatment where you have been judged by others even though you're doing your best?
Constantly. No one can truly understand why we make the choices we do if they don't live our lives. What is "unthinkable" for... Constantly. No one can truly understand why we make the choices we do if they don't live our lives. What is "unthinkable" for one person is a necessity for someone else because of other aspects of their lives. I am fortunate not to have the family second-guess me but others certainly do.
Family members who criticize your caregiving,1butterfly, don't understand (or even more likely don't want to admit to ) all that you do because then they feel guilty. Far better to blame someone else.
Caregivers have to develop a thick skin and continue to do what is right for their circumstances even when others criticize. Support would be so much nicer, but if it's not there, then we detach as best we can from that and move on. It's very difficult, I know. But what choice do we have?
Keep coming back here. Most of the people on agingcare are supportive and helpful.
Carol see more
Family members who criticize your caregiving,1butterfly, don't understand (or even more likely don't want to admit to ) all that you do because then they feel guilty. Far better to blame someone else.
Caregivers have to develop a thick skin and continue to do what is right for their circumstances even when others criticize. Support would be so much nicer, but if it's not there, then we detach as best we can from that and move on. It's very difficult, I know. But what choice do we have?
Keep coming back here. Most of the people on agingcare are supportive and helpful.
Carol see more
Question
My nan physically attacked me a couple of weeks ago. She then called the police and turned it all around sayin...
I agree with Everishlass. From what you've said it sounds as if moving her to a nursing facility may be the next step. However, there... I agree with Everishlass. From what you've said it sounds as if moving her to a nursing facility may be the next step. However, there are many variables such as dementia, new medications, does she have a urinary tract infection, will she see a doctor? If we could have more information we could be more helpful.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
At what point can a caregiver say "enough is enough" to verbal abuse even if there may be a medical explanatio...
The idea of you uprooting yourself from such a distance when she won't even accept your help doesn't seem to make sense. Since this... The idea of you uprooting yourself from such a distance when she won't even accept your help doesn't seem to make sense. Since this is personality change (she hasn't always treated you like this) I hope that you can retain some compassion for her. Yet, building resentment toward her for how she treats you will eat you up inside.
I'd suggest counseling so that you can get your feelings out in the open with a trained professional. You likely feel some guilt, yet you are human. You can only take so much.
I hope you don't cut yourself off completely from your mother's care. You may regret that once she's gone. You need to decide what you can manage yourself and what you need others to manage - and go from there.
All situations are unique. Some people may have been able to jump in and move so that they can take over all care needs. Most people can't leave jobs to do that so they need to hire some kind of help. Some need more help than others.
Work this out with a mental health professional for your own good. Love your mother but don't give up your sanity to care for her. Visit when you can take it and be with her when it works.
You really must consider set boundaries as to what you can do and a professional can help you sort through it.
Carol see more
I'd suggest counseling so that you can get your feelings out in the open with a trained professional. You likely feel some guilt, yet you are human. You can only take so much.
I hope you don't cut yourself off completely from your mother's care. You may regret that once she's gone. You need to decide what you can manage yourself and what you need others to manage - and go from there.
All situations are unique. Some people may have been able to jump in and move so that they can take over all care needs. Most people can't leave jobs to do that so they need to hire some kind of help. Some need more help than others.
Work this out with a mental health professional for your own good. Love your mother but don't give up your sanity to care for her. Visit when you can take it and be with her when it works.
You really must consider set boundaries as to what you can do and a professional can help you sort through it.
Carol see more
Question
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
There is no shame in what you feel, inthestorm. Anyone would. Your words:"And the death wish is just wanting all of us to be free of... There is no shame in what you feel, inthestorm. Anyone would. Your words:"And the death wish is just wanting all of us to be free of this personal hell she is in--we are in" say it all for many people.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How come our Dad cannot see the truth through the facts?
I echo the idea of Al-anon for you and your sisters. Adult Protective Services may be able to help but as has been said, sadly our parents... I echo the idea of Al-anon for you and your sisters.
Adult Protective Services may be able to help but as has been said, sadly our parents can make their own poor decisions.
Alcoholism is a disease. Whether or not that is enough to get guardianship depends on where you live, the judge and other aspects of your dad's mental health.
Take care of yourselves. That may be all you can do. Al-Anon will help you do that.
Carol see more
Adult Protective Services may be able to help but as has been said, sadly our parents can make their own poor decisions.
Alcoholism is a disease. Whether or not that is enough to get guardianship depends on where you live, the judge and other aspects of your dad's mental health.
Take care of yourselves. That may be all you can do. Al-Anon will help you do that.
Carol see more
Question
I can't see proper after conjunctivitis treatment. Any advice?
Absolutely check back with your doctor. This is not an acceptable outcome. You may need ongoing drops or some other treatment but only the... Absolutely check back with your doctor. This is not an acceptable outcome. You may need ongoing drops or some other treatment but only the doctor can tell you. Don't wait until there's permanent vision damage - get in as soon as possible.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
I'm a nurse of 40 yrs. Can I get paid by an agency for caring for my Mom?
You might be able to qualify if you go through channels to be certified by Medicare and/or medicaid. In some states Medicaid will pay for... You might be able to qualify if you go through channels to be certified by Medicare and/or medicaid. In some states Medicaid will pay for some in-home care and if you officially qualify and are certified by them you can. Other states, probably not. Medicare would be harder since they cover less in-home care but with some waivers it may work.
The hardest part of this is that states differ so widely in what they will do. You could check with an in-home health agency and see how they go about getting their workers certified. Also, if your mom is on Medicaid, see what her state will pay for.
Good luck to you. You'd think that this would be a no-brainer and I hope some day that family caregivers will get some breaks but so far there's little guarantee of that.
Carol see more
The hardest part of this is that states differ so widely in what they will do. You could check with an in-home health agency and see how they go about getting their workers certified. Also, if your mom is on Medicaid, see what her state will pay for.
Good luck to you. You'd think that this would be a no-brainer and I hope some day that family caregivers will get some breaks but so far there's little guarantee of that.
Carol see more
Question
My wife has diminished capacity due to severe epileptic seizures. What kind of long term care facility should...
As ba8alou said, you should talk with an elder law or estate attorney who knows Medicaid laws in your state. There are some protections for... As ba8alou said, you should talk with an elder law or estate attorney who knows Medicaid laws in your state. There are some protections for spouses though of course your assets will be affected. Still, what choice do you have? Medicare will only pay so long so I'd see an attorney soon to make the transition from the hospital to private pay and then Medicaid as smooth as possible.
It's scary but it's what's needed.
Take care,
Carol see more
It's scary but it's what's needed.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My wife has diminished capacity due to severe epileptic seizures. What kind of long term care facility should...
It sounds like she needs medical supervision so a nursing home would be the best long-term care. As you know, seizures can kill, so skilled... It sounds like she needs medical supervision so a nursing home would be the best long-term care. As you know, seizures can kill, so skilled nursing care seems important. Look around for the best NH you can find in your community. You may have to get on a waiting list, but it's worth it if there is time to wait. Some nursing homes in some states are still terrible but most have improved and many are very good. You'll still be able to be by her side but she'll have the 24/7 care she needs.
You need to take care of yourself, too, so don't let guilt eat you up for looking out for both of you.
carol see more
You need to take care of yourself, too, so don't let guilt eat you up for looking out for both of you.
carol see more
Question
If my Mom and I bought a condo and my name is on it as half owner, can the state attach to it if she needs a n...
It depends on your state but it's likely that they can. You should check with an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws well and... It depends on your state but it's likely that they can. You should check with an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws well and see if anything can/should be done to protect your assets.
Good luck!
Carol see more
Good luck!
Carol see more
Question
How do I convince my grandmother to use a walker or similar device?
Why is she having so much trouble walking? Arthritis? At 70, if she's physically well otherwise, hip and knee replacement surgery can... Why is she having so much trouble walking? Arthritis? At 70, if she's physically well otherwise, hip and knee replacement surgery can be excellent for relieving pain.
In the end you can only do so much. It's wonderful of you to take her past into consideration for how she acts now. That shows compassion and brains. But you also have to understand that she will do what she will do.
Suggest things when you can, but she's making a choice to not use aids where they would help. It's hard if she has to learn the tough way but sometimes that happens. It's not your fault.
Take care. Please keep in touch,
Carol see more
In the end you can only do so much. It's wonderful of you to take her past into consideration for how she acts now. That shows compassion and brains. But you also have to understand that she will do what she will do.
Suggest things when you can, but she's making a choice to not use aids where they would help. It's hard if she has to learn the tough way but sometimes that happens. It's not your fault.
Take care. Please keep in touch,
Carol see more
Question
Is it time to get up yet?
If your mother has always been a morning person, this may be just her rhythm. I'm afraid that you may have to wait this out. You seem... If your mother has always been a morning person, this may be just her rhythm. I'm afraid that you may have to wait this out.
You seem very educated in all of the management devices available. I'd love to give you a real answer and say that "this will work," but as you know, everyone with the disease is different. She will, eventually, graduate from this behavior but slide into something else.
I can see that your moving in to sleep in her room would be very hard on your marriage and I'm not sure it would do any good (though apparently it does for some people). You and your wife may have to try to readjust your own schedules to go to bed earlier if at all possible and then just live with the early mornings for now.
Please let us know if you come upon a solution.
Carol see more
You seem very educated in all of the management devices available. I'd love to give you a real answer and say that "this will work," but as you know, everyone with the disease is different. She will, eventually, graduate from this behavior but slide into something else.
I can see that your moving in to sleep in her room would be very hard on your marriage and I'm not sure it would do any good (though apparently it does for some people). You and your wife may have to try to readjust your own schedules to go to bed earlier if at all possible and then just live with the early mornings for now.
Please let us know if you come upon a solution.
Carol see more
Question
My MIL attempted suicide in an ind. living apt. for seniors. Advice?
It's so maddening that mental health issues still carry a stigma and are treated differently than physical health issues. It sounds as... It's so maddening that mental health issues still carry a stigma and are treated differently than physical health issues. It sounds as if the facility is just covering for themselves.
Check around and see if you can find another facility that is more flexible. Make certain that you are armed with the best documentation possible from the doctor.
Depending on your mother's physical health issues, you could also look into nursing homes.
Good luck with this painful problem. Please let us know you and your mother come through this.
Carol see more
Check around and see if you can find another facility that is more flexible. Make certain that you are armed with the best documentation possible from the doctor.
Depending on your mother's physical health issues, you could also look into nursing homes.
Good luck with this painful problem. Please let us know you and your mother come through this.
Carol see more
Question
I have an older neighbor (60's) who is physically unkempt, mentally challenged and home is totally roach infes...
Jacquie, Adult Protective Service is part of Social Services so if APS isn't listed separately under Social Services in your phone book... Jacquie, Adult Protective Service is part of Social Services so if APS isn't listed separately under Social Services in your phone book (look under your county services) whoever answers the phone would direct you to the right people.
Department of aging is good idea, too, as Carol said. The idea is that someone who has authority has to check on your neighbor because otherwise she likely won't let anyone do a thing.
Thanks again for caring enough to do this. Many people wouldn't bother.
Carol see more
Department of aging is good idea, too, as Carol said. The idea is that someone who has authority has to check on your neighbor because otherwise she likely won't let anyone do a thing.
Thanks again for caring enough to do this. Many people wouldn't bother.
Carol see more
Question
I have an older neighbor (60's) who is physically unkempt, mentally challenged and home is totally roach infes...
Adult Protective Services is the place to start. Since this problem is so obvious, there shouldn't be any problem with them doing... Adult Protective Services is the place to start. Since this problem is so obvious, there shouldn't be any problem with them doing something once they conduct a welfare check. Thanks for caring!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Mom suddenly goes into prolonged sleep with weakness. Can anyone help?
Narcolepsy was my first thought. Surely, they've checked for stroke, so I'd ask about narcolepsy testing. I hope that they find out... Narcolepsy was my first thought. Surely, they've checked for stroke, so I'd ask about narcolepsy testing. I hope that they find out what this is. Not knowing is worse than knowing almost anything.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Are there any programs or agencies that can help me find a free or low-cost power chair for my Mom?
Medicare B does cover some needed devices but I doubt that a power wheel chair would be one of them. They are very basic in what they... Medicare B does cover some needed devices but I doubt that a power wheel chair would be one of them. They are very basic in what they cover.
There may be place in your community where you can rent wheelchairs. Try the Arthritis Foundation or any medical supply store.
As for an agency that will pay for a power chair, I can't be too optimistic but if I were you I'd check the Kentucky website. Type in the word "aging" and see what comes up. Then try "disability" and also "wheelchair."
I'm assuming that you've talked with the nursing home social worker about this. If not, he or she may have some ideas.
Good luck in your search. Let us know how it's going for you.
Carol see more
There may be place in your community where you can rent wheelchairs. Try the Arthritis Foundation or any medical supply store.
As for an agency that will pay for a power chair, I can't be too optimistic but if I were you I'd check the Kentucky website. Type in the word "aging" and see what comes up. Then try "disability" and also "wheelchair."
I'm assuming that you've talked with the nursing home social worker about this. If not, he or she may have some ideas.
Good luck in your search. Let us know how it's going for you.
Carol see more
Question
Mom gives me a hard time about everything and then lies about things like taking my personal belongings, why?
Yes, Jeannegibbs got it just right. Like many of us, she's been there, done that (or some are still doing that). People with dementia... Yes, Jeannegibbs got it just right. Like many of us, she's been there, done that (or some are still doing that).
People with dementia need to be reassured. They live in a world that they don't understand. It's far better for their self-esteem, as well as our sanity, to agree with them. Or as Jennie suggested, when there's a problem include the person with dementia in the solution if at all possible.
The main thing is to remind ourselves repeatedly that this person has dementia. This is the disease. They aren't trying to punish us or make our lives miserable. It's hard to be the caregiver, but it's got to be harder to be the person with the disease.
Wonderful tips from all of you in this great community.
Carol see more
People with dementia need to be reassured. They live in a world that they don't understand. It's far better for their self-esteem, as well as our sanity, to agree with them. Or as Jennie suggested, when there's a problem include the person with dementia in the solution if at all possible.
The main thing is to remind ourselves repeatedly that this person has dementia. This is the disease. They aren't trying to punish us or make our lives miserable. It's hard to be the caregiver, but it's got to be harder to be the person with the disease.
Wonderful tips from all of you in this great community.
Carol see more
Has anyone experienced treatment where you have been judged by others even though you're doing your best?
Take care,
Carol see more