Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How do you convince a parent to go to hospital when they are so afraid they won't ever come back home?
Beverly, you are so wise to use your anger in a positive way that will change lives. Thank you. You're an example to all of us.... Beverly, you are so wise to use your anger in a positive way that will change lives. Thank you. You're an example to all of us.
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Question
What's the going rate in New Mexico for full time care for my grandpa?
If you are going to go this route, please have an estate or elder law attorney who knows New Mexico's Medicaid rules draw up the... If you are going to go this route, please have an estate or elder law attorney who knows New Mexico's Medicaid rules draw up the agreement. This is to protect you in case your grandpa's funds run out and he needs to go on Medicaid. They will look at all of his expenses for the past five years and that would include your pay. You'll need to be able to prove that this was pay for work, not a gift. This is for your own protection.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
My Mom has that ability to "turn on a switch" when she is around friends. How can I encourage her to flip that...
Chuff, every caregiver has different challenges, so please don't negatively compare yourself to what you may think is perfection in... Chuff, every caregiver has different challenges, so please don't negatively compare yourself to what you may think is perfection in what others do.
No one can know your whole life. What you've described sounds nearly overwhelming and you are doing a terrific job. As Pam said, you must watch for burnout. You can still take care of your mom when you have help, even if that help comes in the forum of assisted living or a memory unity.
True, other than being on call for emergencies (which, in itself, can be stressful) you will not be providing 24 hour care. That doesn't mean that you can't spend as much time with her as you can (or want to).
Caregivers shouldn't judge one another and most offer support and advice. We caregivers do the best that we can with what we have. You have multiple people to concern yourself with, even though your husband seems like a dream when it comes to his family.
Do what you realistically can, but don't allow your own health to do down. That won't help your husband, your mom or anyone else. Most of all lose the guilt if/when you must make other arrangements for your mom.
Take care,
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No one can know your whole life. What you've described sounds nearly overwhelming and you are doing a terrific job. As Pam said, you must watch for burnout. You can still take care of your mom when you have help, even if that help comes in the forum of assisted living or a memory unity.
True, other than being on call for emergencies (which, in itself, can be stressful) you will not be providing 24 hour care. That doesn't mean that you can't spend as much time with her as you can (or want to).
Caregivers shouldn't judge one another and most offer support and advice. We caregivers do the best that we can with what we have. You have multiple people to concern yourself with, even though your husband seems like a dream when it comes to his family.
Do what you realistically can, but don't allow your own health to do down. That won't help your husband, your mom or anyone else. Most of all lose the guilt if/when you must make other arrangements for your mom.
Take care,
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Question
My Mom's psychiatrist says she has delusional disorder. How is this different from dementia?
As Pam mentioned, delusional disorder can occur with or without Alzheimer's, but it's a situation where the person can exhibit... As Pam mentioned, delusional disorder can occur with or without Alzheimer's, but it's a situation where the person can exhibit paranoia about what is going on (or isn't) around them. What they think is happening is very real to them.
Since your mother is continuing to get worse, I'd ask her doctor about taking her off of risperidone for sure, and maybe the other drugs, and starting over. She'd have to be weaned, which isn't easy, but these drugs can cause the very thing that the doctor is trying to cure.
Each person is unique in how they react to drugs, and when elderly people take a combination of powerful drugs the result can be devastating. If this psychiatrist won't even consider adjusting these drugs, I'd ask for a second opinion.
Good luck with this challenge. I can see why you are at the end of your wits. Please check back and let us know how you both are doing.
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Since your mother is continuing to get worse, I'd ask her doctor about taking her off of risperidone for sure, and maybe the other drugs, and starting over. She'd have to be weaned, which isn't easy, but these drugs can cause the very thing that the doctor is trying to cure.
Each person is unique in how they react to drugs, and when elderly people take a combination of powerful drugs the result can be devastating. If this psychiatrist won't even consider adjusting these drugs, I'd ask for a second opinion.
Good luck with this challenge. I can see why you are at the end of your wits. Please check back and let us know how you both are doing.
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Question
How do you convince a parent to go to hospital when they are so afraid they won't ever come back home?
Much depends on what quality of life your mother will have after this test. Will a diagnosis help her or just give the doctor information?... Much depends on what quality of life your mother will have after this test. Will a diagnosis help her or just give the doctor information? It sounds to me that she may qualify for hospice care whether or not she has this test. I'd have a serious talk with the doctor about where this test will lead, the risks of sedation to do the test, and whether or not he or she feels that your mother has six months or less left to live regardless of the outcome of the test.
Your mother's concerns are legitimate. My dad went into the hospital and never got out except to go to a nursing home. Not too long after, my mother needed a colonoscopy for suspected cancer but she knew that even she could get through the tests she couldn't withstand the surgery. She declined and I told her that I'd do whatever she wanted. I feel that our elders have the right to make their own decisions on these matters unless dementia is advanced. Mom still lived many years so I feel she made the right decision.
It doesn’t sound as if your mother should be left alone. If in-home care is not an option, I'd look into a nursing home where you can be with her for a time each day when you're not working. When people need to work, which is most of us, we often have to make very hard choices about how best to care for a loved one whose health is failing. Extended families close by aren't an option for many, and even if they are, they, too, must work. A trained "stranger" is better than nobody.
I’d talk with the doctor about how your mother would benefit from the procedure. If the doctor feels that a diagnosis could truly help your mother live a better and perhaps longer life, then talk calmly with her, explain the facts and try to convince her. Otherwise, I’d look at comfort care.
These decisions are very, very hard, I know. Keeping your mother's overall wishes in the forefront can help.
Take care of yourself, too,
Carol see more
Your mother's concerns are legitimate. My dad went into the hospital and never got out except to go to a nursing home. Not too long after, my mother needed a colonoscopy for suspected cancer but she knew that even she could get through the tests she couldn't withstand the surgery. She declined and I told her that I'd do whatever she wanted. I feel that our elders have the right to make their own decisions on these matters unless dementia is advanced. Mom still lived many years so I feel she made the right decision.
It doesn’t sound as if your mother should be left alone. If in-home care is not an option, I'd look into a nursing home where you can be with her for a time each day when you're not working. When people need to work, which is most of us, we often have to make very hard choices about how best to care for a loved one whose health is failing. Extended families close by aren't an option for many, and even if they are, they, too, must work. A trained "stranger" is better than nobody.
I’d talk with the doctor about how your mother would benefit from the procedure. If the doctor feels that a diagnosis could truly help your mother live a better and perhaps longer life, then talk calmly with her, explain the facts and try to convince her. Otherwise, I’d look at comfort care.
These decisions are very, very hard, I know. Keeping your mother's overall wishes in the forefront can help.
Take care of yourself, too,
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Question
My Mom is waking up in the middle of the night screaming and hollering. Any advice?
This could be due to a medication that she's taking since some medications, including those taken for dementia, can cause extra vivid... This could be due to a medication that she's taking since some medications, including those taken for dementia, can cause extra vivid dreams. The fire part could mean that she's in pain or that she had, as a child, some kind of terrifying experience with fire. Whatever the cause, I'd take her to a doctor and see what he or she can determine.
Please check back and let us know how you are both doing.
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Please check back and let us know how you are both doing.
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Question
Do I need to report the sale of my home and will this disqualify me for Medicaid?
People who've had to borrow money understand that what you did is completely understandable - even honorable. Yet, it may be against... People who've had to borrow money understand that what you did is completely understandable - even honorable. Yet, it may be against Medicaid rules.
Please don't try to hide this as it could be considered fraud. I'd seek advice from an attorney who knows the Medicaid laws for your state. You may be able to get some pro bono (free) help if you check with your state's attorney's office.
Good luck,
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Please don't try to hide this as it could be considered fraud. I'd seek advice from an attorney who knows the Medicaid laws for your state. You may be able to get some pro bono (free) help if you check with your state's attorney's office.
Good luck,
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Question
Alert some days and down others. Anyone else see this in dementia people?
You're doing great with going with the flow. As the situation changes, you change your approach. I, too, think your dad is doing very... You're doing great with going with the flow. As the situation changes, you change your approach. I, too, think your dad is doing very well for someone 94 years old!
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Question
How do you get a 93 year old living at home to wear diapers?
It's generally best to avoid using the word diaper from the start (and you may have used other words with her), but whatever you call... It's generally best to avoid using the word diaper from the start (and you may have used other words with her), but whatever you call the protection may not matter at this stage.
I'm surprised that she can worry about "what the man" may think. That requires some logic. I assume you've all tried to tell her that everything is wrapped up and hidden just like when she had menstrual periods so that the man won't even know, so I'm not sure what else you can do.
I remember trying to convince my dad that he could "go" when we were out and there was no bathroom for him to use. I'd let him know that he was wearing a pad so it was okay but he'd say "I can't wet my pants!" Yet, when we returned home, he had urinated. It's just amazing that your aunt has this kind of fixation and the control to keep it up.
This will pass - she'll get to a place where she won't notice or care. But until then you have a real problem on your hands. I hope others on the site have some ideas for you.
Please keep us posted.
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I'm surprised that she can worry about "what the man" may think. That requires some logic. I assume you've all tried to tell her that everything is wrapped up and hidden just like when she had menstrual periods so that the man won't even know, so I'm not sure what else you can do.
I remember trying to convince my dad that he could "go" when we were out and there was no bathroom for him to use. I'd let him know that he was wearing a pad so it was okay but he'd say "I can't wet my pants!" Yet, when we returned home, he had urinated. It's just amazing that your aunt has this kind of fixation and the control to keep it up.
This will pass - she'll get to a place where she won't notice or care. But until then you have a real problem on your hands. I hope others on the site have some ideas for you.
Please keep us posted.
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Question
Alert some days and down others. Anyone else see this in dementia people?
I agree with the sentiment that everyone is different. There's no way to predict how one day will go in relationship to another day or... I agree with the sentiment that everyone is different. There's no way to predict how one day will go in relationship to another day or even what is going on that day.
My dad's days were entirely unpredictable and followed much the same pattern that you're talking about. I've had to deal with this literally one day at a time - never knowing how each day (or night) would be.
I'm not sure that they type of dementia matters. Even other illnesses such as cancer, rheumatoid arthritis and lung disease can follow this pattern. I'm caring for someone with several diseases including lung disease and finding a pattern seems nearly impossible.
Please keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
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My dad's days were entirely unpredictable and followed much the same pattern that you're talking about. I've had to deal with this literally one day at a time - never knowing how each day (or night) would be.
I'm not sure that they type of dementia matters. Even other illnesses such as cancer, rheumatoid arthritis and lung disease can follow this pattern. I'm caring for someone with several diseases including lung disease and finding a pattern seems nearly impossible.
Please keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
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Question
I am a caregiver at night for my Grandmother who is 100. Our money is running out. Is there any free funding?
Love that, Pam! I was thinking that a "fast track" isn't likely to be fast enough. : )
Question
I am a caregiver at night for my Grandmother who is 100. Our money is running out. Is there any free funding?
PS: Meanwhile, you could check with your local human services department and see if they offer respite care. Many times the federal... PS: Meanwhile, you could check with your local human services department and see if they offer respite care. Many times the federal funding that keeps this in place goes to waste since people don't know that programs (often very limited programs) exist in some states. You could also try your Area Agency on Aging. So much depends on where you live.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
I am a caregiver at night for my Grandmother who is 100. Our money is running out. Is there any free funding?
If she's on and off hospice, Medicare should be covering the hospice time and volunteers may give you some relief. When she goes off of... If she's on and off hospice, Medicare should be covering the hospice time and volunteers may give you some relief. When she goes off of hospice then that assistance ends.
If your grandmother is out of money and needs 24 hour care, your family should be working on getting her on Medicaid (unless she already is on it). It sounds as if she would qualify for nursing home care. If she mostly sleeps, she may not mind the move at all. Family and friends can only do so much when someone needs around the clock care. Please check into this since all of this takes time.
Good luck. It sounds as if you've contributed a lot.
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If your grandmother is out of money and needs 24 hour care, your family should be working on getting her on Medicaid (unless she already is on it). It sounds as if she would qualify for nursing home care. If she mostly sleeps, she may not mind the move at all. Family and friends can only do so much when someone needs around the clock care. Please check into this since all of this takes time.
Good luck. It sounds as if you've contributed a lot.
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Question
I have a DPOA, health care POA and designation of patient advocate. Do I still need to get guardianship too?
Sunnygirl, if portraying it as temporary works, I'm for it. So often, it's the unknown that frightens people. I've know many... Sunnygirl, if portraying it as temporary works, I'm for it. So often, it's the unknown that frightens people. I've know many people who've grown to love their assisted living facility after they've made friends and they simply lose track of time. Eventually, this becomes "home." Great work!
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Question
I have a DPOA, health care POA and designation of patient advocate. Do I still need to get guardianship too?
If he is mentally competent, then likely you can't do much. The POA might work if he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease or... If he is mentally competent, then likely you can't do much. The POA might work if he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease or another dementia or mental illness, but otherwise he can legally make his own decisions, even if they are bad. A court won't likely find him incompetent if he doesn't have dementia, but you could try if you want.
Otherwise, hard as it may be on you, he really can choose his own living arrangement.
Maybe you'll have to let him live in conditions that aren't so great until he says he wants help. Often, when the adult children back off, the parent will feel more empowered and ask to help. They like to feel it's their idea. This doesn't happen all of the time, of course, but it may be your only choice.
Good luck,
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Otherwise, hard as it may be on you, he really can choose his own living arrangement.
Maybe you'll have to let him live in conditions that aren't so great until he says he wants help. Often, when the adult children back off, the parent will feel more empowered and ask to help. They like to feel it's their idea. This doesn't happen all of the time, of course, but it may be your only choice.
Good luck,
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Question
A friend currently living with his Mom would like to get away but does not know what's considered neglect. Any...
Nice idea vegaslady - if they just want a night alone now and then and it's safe to leave his mom alone for that time.
Carol
Carol
Question
A friend currently living with his Mom would like to get away but does not know what's considered neglect. Any...
Whether that would be neglect or not depends upon how much help or attention the mother needs. If she needs constant supervision, then this... Whether that would be neglect or not depends upon how much help or attention the mother needs. If she needs constant supervision, then this would be neglect. If not, she may be just fine.
If she's doing well enough to be left alone, she should likely be told they are going out (she'll know anyway, so she'd likely worry less). If she is so ill that she wouldn't know the difference, they most likely should find a substitute caregiver.
Their need for privacy is completely understandable, but they've taken on caregiving and now need to responsibly make time for themselves. That may mean hiring an in-home caregiver for when they want to be gone.
Take care,
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If she's doing well enough to be left alone, she should likely be told they are going out (she'll know anyway, so she'd likely worry less). If she is so ill that she wouldn't know the difference, they most likely should find a substitute caregiver.
Their need for privacy is completely understandable, but they've taken on caregiving and now need to responsibly make time for themselves. That may mean hiring an in-home caregiver for when they want to be gone.
Take care,
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Question
How do I get help for my Dad (89) when he won't let me? Anyone ever heard of Ekbom Syndrome?
Thanks, for the link, Maggie. Good idea. Imagine how awful it is to suffer from this disease! I completely agree about having all... Thanks, for the link, Maggie. Good idea.
Imagine how awful it is to suffer from this disease!
I completely agree about having all medications checked. So often issues are caused by medications taken for some other ailment or an interaction of several meds. Doctors should always check them out and it doesn't hurt to have the pharmacist cross check.
Good advice!
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Imagine how awful it is to suffer from this disease!
I completely agree about having all medications checked. So often issues are caused by medications taken for some other ailment or an interaction of several meds. Doctors should always check them out and it doesn't hurt to have the pharmacist cross check.
Good advice!
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Question
Does Medicare pay for PT?
Medicare has been working toward allowing PT if it keeps people from going backward, but to the best of my knowledge that hasn't gone... Medicare has been working toward allowing PT if it keeps people from going backward, but to the best of my knowledge that hasn't gone through yet. We can hope that eventually it will.
At this time, as the others said, it's still generally based on whether or not a person is making progress. I agree that no therapist is likely to predict what will be needed since there's really no way to know.
There must be some misunderstanding about the Medicare Advantage plan being cancelled by someone else. If a person goes on Medicaid, then other provisions can be made, but if he's under Medicare then he has chosen and paid for his own supplemental insurance. Medicare Advantage is private insurance supplemented by Medicare.
I'd call his Medicare Advantage provider and ask some questions.
Please let us know how you are doing with all of this when you have a chance.
Carol see more
At this time, as the others said, it's still generally based on whether or not a person is making progress. I agree that no therapist is likely to predict what will be needed since there's really no way to know.
There must be some misunderstanding about the Medicare Advantage plan being cancelled by someone else. If a person goes on Medicaid, then other provisions can be made, but if he's under Medicare then he has chosen and paid for his own supplemental insurance. Medicare Advantage is private insurance supplemented by Medicare.
I'd call his Medicare Advantage provider and ask some questions.
Please let us know how you are doing with all of this when you have a chance.
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My Mom had slight tremors in her hand tonight and then later her whole body was shaking. What's happening?
Good luck. Please update us on how this goes.
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