Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Is a Psych consult in assisted living okay?
Sunnygirl, I'm so sorry about the fall and this new complication. She would need to be sedated, I'm sure. Your idea about getting... Sunnygirl, I'm so sorry about the fall and this new complication. She would need to be sedated, I'm sure. Your idea about getting the scans done at the same time is terrific if that can be arranged. This has to be so stressful for you, knowing that she is in pain from the fall and then having an uncooperative AL. Please keep us updated as things happen.
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Question
How often should Alzheimer's patient get MRI scans done?
I don't know MaggieMarshall! I don't see it, either. But maybe it will show here : ) Anyway, glad to know you agreed with me.... I don't know MaggieMarshall! I don't see it, either. But maybe it will show here : )
Anyway, glad to know you agreed with me.
Cimetis, I understand your thoughts. Your mother is young to have this disease and is otherwise healthy. In you shoes, I'd seek another medical opinion if I weren't convinced the base scan was enough. As with so many things, caregivers have to do what they are comfortable with, and since your mother is in an early stage, I'd think she should have input as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Anyway, glad to know you agreed with me.
Cimetis, I understand your thoughts. Your mother is young to have this disease and is otherwise healthy. In you shoes, I'd seek another medical opinion if I weren't convinced the base scan was enough. As with so many things, caregivers have to do what they are comfortable with, and since your mother is in an early stage, I'd think she should have input as well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How often should Alzheimer's patient get MRI scans done?
I'm not a medical person, but I can't see the need for more scans unless they want a different type of scan such as a PET scan to... I'm not a medical person, but I can't see the need for more scans unless they want a different type of scan such as a PET scan to further confirm the diagnosis.
Once a diagnosis is made, I don't see the value of putting the person through more scans. But then I feel that way about a lot of medical intervention. I'm for it if it helps, but I don't like to put someone with dementia though any more medical procedures than absolutely necessary.
Take care,
Carol see more
Once a diagnosis is made, I don't see the value of putting the person through more scans. But then I feel that way about a lot of medical intervention. I'm for it if it helps, but I don't like to put someone with dementia though any more medical procedures than absolutely necessary.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone's parents pay them for taking care of them?
MaggieMarshall said it well. While it's completely unfair since many family caregivers give up paying jobs to provide the needed care... MaggieMarshall said it well. While it's completely unfair since many family caregivers give up paying jobs to provide the needed care which often keeps people out of nursing homes far longer, paying them could become a problem if the elders should ever need Medicaid.
I'd check with an elder law attorney to see if there is a way that this can be handled. I do think different states may handle payment differently, so it's good to get legal advice from someone who knows your state's Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I'd check with an elder law attorney to see if there is a way that this can be handled. I do think different states may handle payment differently, so it's good to get legal advice from someone who knows your state's Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Mom has trouble remembering her phone number. Is this normal aging or is this a sign of mental trouble?
I'd be concerned about the "big memory lapses," depending on how important these things were to her at the time. Our brains... I'd be concerned about the "big memory lapses," depending on how important these things were to her at the time. Our brains do let things go that aren't all that important to us, but if these are things about the family or other people she cares about then there may be a problem. Do allow time for slower recall - that is normal. However, if she's completely forgotten some important family issue, then I would be watching to see what else shows up.
Some adult children get worried as soon as their parent turns 65 or 70 and forgets something. Some people get worried about themselves when this happens. Some slower recall is okay.
One rule of thumb: If she forgets her keys, that's normal. If she forgets what her keys are for - that's a problem.
If you truly feel that she's having problems, see if she'll just go for a general checkup. Older people can get a urinary tract infection which can wreck havoc with their memories and even their personalities. The same is true about prescription medications and even OTC drugs such as sleeping aids. Then there's thyroid disease. A possible vitamin deficiency can be an issue. If you approach her about her general health, such as blood pressure or getting her medications refilled, you can always write the doctor ahead of time and lay out your concerns. Then the physician would have a heads-up to know what to look for.
Please keep us posted Fairydust. If your mom is developing dementia symptoms it could be from any number of issues. Let us know if she seems to be getting worse and if you've managed to convince her to have a physical.
Take care,
Carol see more
Some adult children get worried as soon as their parent turns 65 or 70 and forgets something. Some people get worried about themselves when this happens. Some slower recall is okay.
One rule of thumb: If she forgets her keys, that's normal. If she forgets what her keys are for - that's a problem.
If you truly feel that she's having problems, see if she'll just go for a general checkup. Older people can get a urinary tract infection which can wreck havoc with their memories and even their personalities. The same is true about prescription medications and even OTC drugs such as sleeping aids. Then there's thyroid disease. A possible vitamin deficiency can be an issue. If you approach her about her general health, such as blood pressure or getting her medications refilled, you can always write the doctor ahead of time and lay out your concerns. Then the physician would have a heads-up to know what to look for.
Please keep us posted Fairydust. If your mom is developing dementia symptoms it could be from any number of issues. Let us know if she seems to be getting worse and if you've managed to convince her to have a physical.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do if someone is harassing my Mom?
If they are just trying to keep in touch through letters, that means that they are trying to be kind even though the letters are upsetting.... If they are just trying to keep in touch through letters, that means that they are trying to be kind even though the letters are upsetting. In that case, you could explain that you mother doesn't remember who they are so she's upset by the letters. If they are educated about dementia they may then stop sending the letters or they could send them to you and you could help her read them when appropriate.
If the stepchildren are deliberately causing emotional pain, that is completely different. I'd still tell them that this must stop. If it doesn't and the letters are truly awful, you could have an attorney contact them. I expect they'd stop the letters then.
Are they waiting for an inheritance? That could be behind cruel letters. Again, I'd seek the help of an attorney. If your mother inherited her husband's money, it's hers until her death. They are despicable people if they are trying to "hurry" her along to death, and that should be approached with legal help.
Depending on what is behind their letters, try kindness and/or legal assistance - whichever is most appropriate.
Please keep in touch and let us know more,
Carol see more
If the stepchildren are deliberately causing emotional pain, that is completely different. I'd still tell them that this must stop. If it doesn't and the letters are truly awful, you could have an attorney contact them. I expect they'd stop the letters then.
Are they waiting for an inheritance? That could be behind cruel letters. Again, I'd seek the help of an attorney. If your mother inherited her husband's money, it's hers until her death. They are despicable people if they are trying to "hurry" her along to death, and that should be approached with legal help.
Depending on what is behind their letters, try kindness and/or legal assistance - whichever is most appropriate.
Please keep in touch and let us know more,
Carol see more
Question
Do most elderly actually die in their sleep?
Even doctors can't predict exactly when a person will die, but most people die from an illness that happens over time. Only... Even doctors can't predict exactly when a person will die, but most people die from an illness that happens over time. Only occasionally do they have a heart attack or something of that nature that takes them in their sleep (which would be the choice of many, but sadly often isn't the case).
If they are very sick for a long time, they often die in a hospital. If you have someone who is close to death and is in pain of any kind, please contact hospice. They can help make the person comfortable in his or her own home, if that is the choice.
If you have more information for us, we could help more, so please feel free to write again.
Carol see more
If they are very sick for a long time, they often die in a hospital. If you have someone who is close to death and is in pain of any kind, please contact hospice. They can help make the person comfortable in his or her own home, if that is the choice.
If you have more information for us, we could help more, so please feel free to write again.
Carol see more
Question
Does anyone seem to find their parent is almost two people?
Heidi, since your mother has tried pills, I'm assuming she has seen a doctor. If she won't go to a doctor for more help, sadly you... Heidi, since your mother has tried pills, I'm assuming she has seen a doctor. If she won't go to a doctor for more help, sadly you may have to wait until something really bizarre happens and then perhaps Adult Protective Services would get involved. You could try calling them now, but depending on where you live, you may or may not get anywhere.
I agree that sometimes the adult child (or children) must step back and wait. It sounds cruel and is very hard to do, but until a person is officially diagnosed with a cognitive disorder, there's rarely anything that can legally be done.
Perhaps if you stay away for awhile, she will come around and realize - at least for a time - that she needs your help. We can hope that she does and the time frame is long enough to get her into a doctor.
If there's a true emergency, taking her to the emergency room may be a foot in the door to getting her help.
Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
I agree that sometimes the adult child (or children) must step back and wait. It sounds cruel and is very hard to do, but until a person is officially diagnosed with a cognitive disorder, there's rarely anything that can legally be done.
Perhaps if you stay away for awhile, she will come around and realize - at least for a time - that she needs your help. We can hope that she does and the time frame is long enough to get her into a doctor.
If there's a true emergency, taking her to the emergency room may be a foot in the door to getting her help.
Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's 8 yrs ago and has already progressed to being diagnosed with dementia. H...
As JessieBelle said, Parkinson's and Dementia with Lewy bodies often occur together. For some people the dementia doesn't show... As JessieBelle said, Parkinson's and Dementia with Lewy bodies often occur together. For some people the dementia doesn't show right away, but 9 years is actually a long time, so the fact that dementia is now presenting doesn't sound abnormal.
My first thought was that the doctor could take her off of all medications to see if any of them are making her worse. But doing so, with her Parkinson's, could be dangerous or counterproductive, so you'd need a medical opinion. If you feel you need this, get a second opinion from a different neurologist and see what he or she says.
You're going to have to live with your dad being mad. That's very difficult, I know, but you have health conditions of your own and can do only so much. It's very likely that all of this stress is making your pain worse. If you can afford counseling, I think that could be a good idea. The support of a good counselor can be invaluable.
Please check back with us so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
My first thought was that the doctor could take her off of all medications to see if any of them are making her worse. But doing so, with her Parkinson's, could be dangerous or counterproductive, so you'd need a medical opinion. If you feel you need this, get a second opinion from a different neurologist and see what he or she says.
You're going to have to live with your dad being mad. That's very difficult, I know, but you have health conditions of your own and can do only so much. It's very likely that all of this stress is making your pain worse. If you can afford counseling, I think that could be a good idea. The support of a good counselor can be invaluable.
Please check back with us so that we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone experienced treatment where you have been judged by others even though you're doing your best?
I think we all go through that because no matter what our situations as caregivers, other people have their own view. They can never... I think we all go through that because no matter what our situations as caregivers, other people have their own view. They can never totally understand our lives and they don't understand our unique challenges.
Many professionals do their jobs as they are trained to do them, but it takes someone really special to get across the point that they are giving choices and advice that they know may or may not be helpful in your situation. Sometimes its a matter of "take what you want and leave the rest." That was generally my motto. I am completely open to learning from professionals if they seemed to have even a clue about what family caregiving is all about. However, I've always respected professionals who realize that they can learn about reality from listening to family caregivers, as well.
As is generally the case, you've found people in this community who relate to you and who have advice and stories to tell. Just knowing that people are "listening" often helps.
Try to get help through your Area Agency on Aging or your state website (type "aging" next to your search for the state). You'll find a long list of agencies and contacts. Work your way through and we can hope you'll find some resources in your area.
Mainly, know in your heart that what other people think about your caregiving isn't as important as what you think. Be open to learning but remember that you know your family situation.
Best wishes as you travel this journey. Please check back with us so we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Many professionals do their jobs as they are trained to do them, but it takes someone really special to get across the point that they are giving choices and advice that they know may or may not be helpful in your situation. Sometimes its a matter of "take what you want and leave the rest." That was generally my motto. I am completely open to learning from professionals if they seemed to have even a clue about what family caregiving is all about. However, I've always respected professionals who realize that they can learn about reality from listening to family caregivers, as well.
As is generally the case, you've found people in this community who relate to you and who have advice and stories to tell. Just knowing that people are "listening" often helps.
Try to get help through your Area Agency on Aging or your state website (type "aging" next to your search for the state). You'll find a long list of agencies and contacts. Work your way through and we can hope you'll find some resources in your area.
Mainly, know in your heart that what other people think about your caregiving isn't as important as what you think. Be open to learning but remember that you know your family situation.
Best wishes as you travel this journey. Please check back with us so we know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Caregiving is draining my family especially me! I get resentful and I hate that, is it normal?
Wonderful answer, Countrymouse. And, yes, it's always much easier to look from the outside and say "this is what you do." I... Wonderful answer, Countrymouse. And, yes, it's always much easier to look from the outside and say "this is what you do." I know. I've been there. When we're in the middle of it and know every detail and love all the people, it's much, much harder to carry out. Yet, there are times when if we don't we'll collapse. Excellent advice.
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Carol see more
Question
Caregiving is draining my family especially me! I get resentful and I hate that, is it normal?
Cryssy, you need to see a doctor for yourself. I know what it's like to have an ill child (only one of mine is chronically ill),... Cryssy, you need to see a doctor for yourself. I know what it's like to have an ill child (only one of mine is chronically ill), multiple elders who need constant help and no time to take care of myself. I did some damage to my own health. You are doing the same, only your situation is much worse. If you don't find a way to take care of yourself, all of these people who depend on you will be without your care at all. It's vital for all of the people you love that you find a way to see a doctor and take care of yourself.
Your mother should qualify for nursing home care. If she has no assets, then she can go on Medicaid. While some nursing homes are still horrible, most have improved and in many communities they are excellent. Even if your area doesn't have top quality homes, this is an emergency. You can visit your mom, but your kids and you need to survive, too. Just think how your mother would feel if she really could go back in her mind and understand that her neediness took your life?
Type the name of your state and the word "aging" into your browser. Scan the list of aging services available locally and then start looking for help. You will likely find a connection to your Area Agency on Aging. You also should find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. It may have a different name, but each state has a program. They can be very helpful. Look up local human services online or in your phone book to find out if they can help. You absolutely need to get outside intervention here to take care of everyone as well as yourself.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Your mother should qualify for nursing home care. If she has no assets, then she can go on Medicaid. While some nursing homes are still horrible, most have improved and in many communities they are excellent. Even if your area doesn't have top quality homes, this is an emergency. You can visit your mom, but your kids and you need to survive, too. Just think how your mother would feel if she really could go back in her mind and understand that her neediness took your life?
Type the name of your state and the word "aging" into your browser. Scan the list of aging services available locally and then start looking for help. You will likely find a connection to your Area Agency on Aging. You also should find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. It may have a different name, but each state has a program. They can be very helpful. Look up local human services online or in your phone book to find out if they can help. You absolutely need to get outside intervention here to take care of everyone as well as yourself.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
I think my Dad has caregiver elder rage with my Mom. Any advice?
I agree, firebug, that we need more information. Your dad's anger may not be unusual because he's likely frustrated as well as worn... I agree, firebug, that we need more information. Your dad's anger may not be unusual because he's likely frustrated as well as worn out. He may not have much understanding of the nature of your mom's illness, especially if it's dementia.
It sounds as if there is some caregiving help. We do need to know if your dad is angry at you, your mom or the caregiver. Or if he just angry in general. Is this his normal personality or a big change? Anything you can give us will let us give you more help.
Meanwhile, remember that this isn't your fault. Try to take care of yourself while being the intermediary for your parents.
Carol see more
It sounds as if there is some caregiving help. We do need to know if your dad is angry at you, your mom or the caregiver. Or if he just angry in general. Is this his normal personality or a big change? Anything you can give us will let us give you more help.
Meanwhile, remember that this isn't your fault. Try to take care of yourself while being the intermediary for your parents.
Carol see more
Question
How can reality orientation strategies help a person with dementia?
Good answers, my friends! Especially, Jeanne - if an instructor is asking this question, the instructor needs to go back for more education... Good answers, my friends! Especially, Jeanne - if an instructor is asking this question, the instructor needs to go back for more education : )
Thanks for your input, all of you!
Carol see more
Thanks for your input, all of you!
Carol see more
Question
How can reality orientation strategies help a person with dementia?
It often can't, which is why in many instances people find it more helpful to try to join the person with the disease in their world by... It often can't, which is why in many instances people find it more helpful to try to join the person with the disease in their world by validating their thoughts. Rather than arguing about whether something happened today or yesterday, you could say, "Well that's interesting. Tell me about it" and then go on from there. Arguing to try to re-orient someone with Alzheimer's to a world they no longer understand isn't often fruitful. Distraction and re-direction can be helpful, however. You may find this article helpful: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
List three symptoms that may worsen as his or her dementia progresses?
Not all types of dementia are the same. Since Alzheimer's is the most common I'll list three ways that Alzheimer's can change... Not all types of dementia are the same. Since Alzheimer's is the most common I'll list three ways that Alzheimer's can change with stages, however many people go back and forth between stages, as well. It's not always linear.
1. Short-term memory continues to worsen so they retreat cognitively farther and farther back in time until they may be viewing themselves and their lives at the age of 20 or even as a child.
2. The ability to make sense of the world around them gets worse so confusion and fear - even paranoia stemming from that fear - can get worse.
3. Ability to express thoughts through words gets worse.
There are more but I hope this helps.
Carol see more
1. Short-term memory continues to worsen so they retreat cognitively farther and farther back in time until they may be viewing themselves and their lives at the age of 20 or even as a child.
2. The ability to make sense of the world around them gets worse so confusion and fear - even paranoia stemming from that fear - can get worse.
3. Ability to express thoughts through words gets worse.
There are more but I hope this helps.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom cannot afford assisted living. What do I do?
Both wonderful suggestions from caregivers who know.
Thanks everyone,
Carol
Thanks everyone,
Carol
Question
If a person suffers from Diabetes, then how should it be protected?
Good tips, Sunnygirl. A doctor is a must, but there is so much education and support available online and in groups. You gave this writer... Good tips, Sunnygirl. A doctor is a must, but there is so much education and support available online and in groups. You gave this writer some excellent leads and encouragement from someone who must cope with the disease. Thanks so much!
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Carol see more
Question
If a person suffers from Diabetes, then how should it be protected?
That person must work with a doctor. The doctor will give you information about what to eat and how to watch your blood sugar. This is very... That person must work with a doctor. The doctor will give you information about what to eat and how to watch your blood sugar. This is very important, so please see a doctor right away.
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How to force moving elderly people from home to assisted living and they have dementia?
You could call your local Alzheimer's organization as see if a social worker can come to your home to evaluate the situation. They can be very helpful and there's no agenda to sell you services. This person may be able to suggest in-home services available in your community, as well.
Take care of yourselves and please let us know how this progresses.
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