Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How long does it typically take for 87 year old to adjust to assisted living?
I'm so sorry about your brother. He's so young to have such a horrible disease. You've got so much to live with. I hope you... I'm so sorry about your brother. He's so young to have such a horrible disease.
You've got so much to live with. I hope you can detach from this agony somewhat and take care of yourself. Sacrificing your own health won't help anyone. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
You've got so much to live with. I hope you can detach from this agony somewhat and take care of yourself. Sacrificing your own health won't help anyone. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How do you place an alcoholic Dad with dementia in a care home if they want him to stop drinking and he won't?
I agree with the others in that you can try to see if an elder law attorney can advise you, but in the end, your dad still can make his own... I agree with the others in that you can try to see if an elder law attorney can advise you, but in the end, your dad still can make his own (bad) decisions. If he does, the best you may be able to do is detach from it all and let him do what he does.
You can't let his alcoholism destroy your own health. Have you tried Al-Anon? The program is comprised of people who are coping with similar situations, so that program could help you. Use the building block of your faith and add to it with support from others who understand.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
You can't let his alcoholism destroy your own health. Have you tried Al-Anon? The program is comprised of people who are coping with similar situations, so that program could help you. Use the building block of your faith and add to it with support from others who understand.
Take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
I don't know what to do next, I feel like I can't just go away but at the same time I don't want to be here. A...
This is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but you need to get away. The idea of taking your grandma to ER and telling the... This is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but you need to get away. The idea of taking your grandma to ER and telling the staff that you can no longer provide care may be your last resort. Do whatever it takes. She will be taken care of somehow.
You can't give your life for her. She would not want that. You've already given more than enough. Read through the ideas that people have posted, know that we are behind you and take action. Please keep us posed on your well being.
Carol see more
You can't give your life for her. She would not want that. You've already given more than enough. Read through the ideas that people have posted, know that we are behind you and take action. Please keep us posed on your well being.
Carol see more
Question
How do you take control of your parents finances when they won't let you and won't talk to you about it?
This is not uncommon and frustrates so many spouses. I agree that it's often worse for women as men are frequently the person in charge... This is not uncommon and frustrates so many spouses. I agree that it's often worse for women as men are frequently the person in charge of finances.
Is there a third party like a banker who can talk with him. You could contact someone at your bank and say that they want to "update" some things and go in together. This person could explain that a financial POA is important for all couples. Explain ahead what the problem is and may this person will have advice about how to proceed.
Otherwise, an attorney may be necessary so that you can take his name off of credit cards and limit his ability to spend. This attorney will likely need some information from your husband's doctor so it's not going to be easy no matter how you proceed.
Good luck with this anxiety producing dilemma. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Is there a third party like a banker who can talk with him. You could contact someone at your bank and say that they want to "update" some things and go in together. This person could explain that a financial POA is important for all couples. Explain ahead what the problem is and may this person will have advice about how to proceed.
Otherwise, an attorney may be necessary so that you can take his name off of credit cards and limit his ability to spend. This attorney will likely need some information from your husband's doctor so it's not going to be easy no matter how you proceed.
Good luck with this anxiety producing dilemma. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
The Council on Aging, in Ohio, is encouraging my Mom to sign up with Passport. Is this a good thing?
That's what makes it all so difficult - every state is different when it comes to Medicaid. Jeannegibbs lives in a state where they... That's what makes it all so difficult - every state is different when it comes to Medicaid. Jeannegibbs lives in a state where they take very good care of their elders. Not all states are so inclined. I hope, Suegirl, that your state is generous in this way.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
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Question
Is taking loved one from assisted living for visits too risky?
It's essential that the staff of any care facility know that family is involved and concerned. This helps ensure the best care and... It's essential that the staff of any care facility know that family is involved and concerned. This helps ensure the best care and safety (even in good homes, this is necessary).
It's also necessary even if the person's dementia is so advanced that he or she does not recognize family or remember visits. On some level they know someone cares. We will never truly know how much a person with advanced Alzheimer's understands or remembers so we must stress dignity and love.
In reference to the Lizann's question, younger onset Alzheimer's can happen to people in their 40s, 50s and 60s, so if I understand the original question correctly, age isn't the issue - it's the stage of the disease.
When the home someone remembers is one that no longer exists (but he or she thinks it does) that indicates that cognitively they are in an era that no longer exists. That's the reason for not taking the person back to a home that is no longer the home they remember.
For most elders without dementia, nostalgic trips can be therapeutic and provide entertainment. There's a huge difference between a cognitively healthy elder and someone with dementia.
Great comments and insights from everyone here. You are all amazing.
Carol see more
It's also necessary even if the person's dementia is so advanced that he or she does not recognize family or remember visits. On some level they know someone cares. We will never truly know how much a person with advanced Alzheimer's understands or remembers so we must stress dignity and love.
In reference to the Lizann's question, younger onset Alzheimer's can happen to people in their 40s, 50s and 60s, so if I understand the original question correctly, age isn't the issue - it's the stage of the disease.
When the home someone remembers is one that no longer exists (but he or she thinks it does) that indicates that cognitively they are in an era that no longer exists. That's the reason for not taking the person back to a home that is no longer the home they remember.
For most elders without dementia, nostalgic trips can be therapeutic and provide entertainment. There's a huge difference between a cognitively healthy elder and someone with dementia.
Great comments and insights from everyone here. You are all amazing.
Carol see more
Question
Is taking loved one from assisted living for visits too risky?
I once had a staff member mess up in the same way with an issue my mother had. I about had a heart attack. I thought they had better sense.... I once had a staff member mess up in the same way with an issue my mother had. I about had a heart attack. I thought they had better sense. That being said, most of the staff that I've worked with have been excellent and used good sense. There's always a newbie or someone who just doesn't get it.
I'm glad that you have a good understanding about this, Sunnygirl. These ideas of going home or visiting someone will eventually fade and your loved one will move on.
If you take people in that stage of dementia "home" - well, home isn't what they remember and it just opens a can of worms. Generally, it's best to work through it, re-direct, use all of the diversionary tactics possible and things will move forward. Then, um, repeat as necessary.
Take care,
Carol see more
I'm glad that you have a good understanding about this, Sunnygirl. These ideas of going home or visiting someone will eventually fade and your loved one will move on.
If you take people in that stage of dementia "home" - well, home isn't what they remember and it just opens a can of worms. Generally, it's best to work through it, re-direct, use all of the diversionary tactics possible and things will move forward. Then, um, repeat as necessary.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
I'm so frustrated with my life. I'm so alone. I'm the sole caregiver of my Grandmother. Any other "grandchildr...
Burned out? Who wouldn't be? You're really had a load. Love the people as we may, there does get to be a limit to what people can... Burned out? Who wouldn't be? You're really had a load. Love the people as we may, there does get to be a limit to what people can do.
I hope that you can find some form of respite,
Carol see more
I hope that you can find some form of respite,
Carol see more
Question
I'm so frustrated with my life. I'm so alone. I'm the sole caregiver of my Grandmother. Any other "grandchildr...
Grandchildren seem to be taking on an increasing role in caregiving. One reason is that they have done much of the child rearing. I believe... Grandchildren seem to be taking on an increasing role in caregiving. One reason is that they have done much of the child rearing. I believe that it's extra hard for you since you're at a time in your life when you truly should be able to have more freedom to map out your future to some degree.
Both of you may want to read this article on grandchildren prompted by a couple of heart breaking notes that I received from young caregivers and also some on the agingcare forum.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grandchildren-caring-for-their-grandparents-149490.htm
To grandaughters - your husband should be doing his share of this work. Certainly the rest of the family should be too, but insist on help. Moving an elder into your home is a huge step. Doing so at a presumably young age has got to be harder.
To both of you - you aren't alone. Please keep coming back to the site and posting your thoughts. There is a lot of knowledge in this community. Also, if your grandmothers have any specific ailments such as diabetes or Alzheimer's look to those disease specific sites for education and help.
Keep us posted!
Carol see more
Both of you may want to read this article on grandchildren prompted by a couple of heart breaking notes that I received from young caregivers and also some on the agingcare forum.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grandchildren-caring-for-their-grandparents-149490.htm
To grandaughters - your husband should be doing his share of this work. Certainly the rest of the family should be too, but insist on help. Moving an elder into your home is a huge step. Doing so at a presumably young age has got to be harder.
To both of you - you aren't alone. Please keep coming back to the site and posting your thoughts. There is a lot of knowledge in this community. Also, if your grandmothers have any specific ailments such as diabetes or Alzheimer's look to those disease specific sites for education and help.
Keep us posted!
Carol see more
Question
Talking with Dad about his medications. Any advice?
Crikett, I love your attitude about helping your mom have a say. It's not always possible, but it's so important to remember that... Crikett, I love your attitude about helping your mom have a say. It's not always possible, but it's so important to remember that we aren't dealing with toddlers - we are dealing with people who have already lost so much. Just a chance to decide when to take the pill for bed is something.
You've been creative, too, and I must say that family caregivers are some of the most creative people I've ever known.
Keep helping each other. You are all amazing.
Carol see more
You've been creative, too, and I must say that family caregivers are some of the most creative people I've ever known.
Keep helping each other. You are all amazing.
Carol see more
Question
The Council on Aging, in Ohio, is encouraging my Mom to sign up with Passport. Is this a good thing?
I agree with JeanneGibbs. Great answer, as always! Jeanne, your home state of Minnesota is number on is caring for its seniors (Forbes, USA... I agree with JeanneGibbs. Great answer, as always!
Jeanne, your home state of Minnesota is number on is caring for its seniors (Forbes, USA Today). They also are, I believe, number three of productive use of health dollars.
I'm not putting this in here to detract from your spot on answer for Suegirl - just wanted to congratulate your state.
Carol see more
Jeanne, your home state of Minnesota is number on is caring for its seniors (Forbes, USA Today). They also are, I believe, number three of productive use of health dollars.
I'm not putting this in here to detract from your spot on answer for Suegirl - just wanted to congratulate your state.
Carol see more
Question
Can Mom walk again?
Hi Raindrop, I'm glad she eats well. That in itself says she's doing quite well for her age. I agree that the chances of her... Hi Raindrop,
I'm glad she eats well. That in itself says she's doing quite well for her age. I agree that the chances of her walking unaided are probably zero and likely not wise. I was assuming that a walker would be involved.
Not falling again is top priority. You are very smart about that - and other things.
And I apologize if I set you back about the statistics, but the reality is that your mom's body has had a big trauma. While many elders don't survive such a trauma, many do and live quite a long time afterward. She could be one of them, particularly if there are no more falls. She sounds tough and you sound like a wonderful caregiver. I hope that she can live happily for a long time.
Carol see more
I'm glad she eats well. That in itself says she's doing quite well for her age. I agree that the chances of her walking unaided are probably zero and likely not wise. I was assuming that a walker would be involved.
Not falling again is top priority. You are very smart about that - and other things.
And I apologize if I set you back about the statistics, but the reality is that your mom's body has had a big trauma. While many elders don't survive such a trauma, many do and live quite a long time afterward. She could be one of them, particularly if there are no more falls. She sounds tough and you sound like a wonderful caregiver. I hope that she can live happily for a long time.
Carol see more
Question
Can Mom walk again?
At 96, her arthritis may just be so bad that walking is more than she can bear. It's amazing that she's survived the broken... At 96, her arthritis may just be so bad that walking is more than she can bear. It's amazing that she's survived the broken hip/pelvis this long. Declining after such a physical trauma is very common and death within a year is also not uncommon. I don't want to scare you, but am simply stating that she has been through a lot. She's obviously no wimp.
How far to force her is something to be decided between her, you, and professionals. You may want to seek a second opinion from a geriatrician. It would be good to get her to walk at least a little each day, if possible, but she may need to cut back. You want her healthy but you don’t want her miserable.
This is tough. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
How far to force her is something to be decided between her, you, and professionals. You may want to seek a second opinion from a geriatrician. It would be good to get her to walk at least a little each day, if possible, but she may need to cut back. You want her healthy but you don’t want her miserable.
This is tough. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Talking with Dad about his medications. Any advice?
Forgetting whether or not a pill has been taken is common. People don't have to have dementia for this to happen. I like the idea of... Forgetting whether or not a pill has been taken is common. People don't have to have dementia for this to happen.
I like the idea of the alarm pill box. There are several on the market so a Web search will bring up some choices. It's likely that he's not doing this on purpose, but that he's defensive because he doesn't want to admit he got confused or forgot. Parents often get defensive with their adult children - after all, they are the parent and it's uncomfortable to have your "kids" telling you what to do.
If a scheduled box of some type doesn't work, then you may have to have the doctor tell your dad that for this particular pill, since it's so easy to forget and take a second, he'll have to let you control it or he can't have it.
Your dad needs compassion but he also needs to have this situation figured out. Try to preserve his dignity if you can. If it's true addiction, then I think you'll have noticed him increasingly running more and more short. If that's the case, the doctor must be in on the decision of what to do.
Good luck with this.
Carol see more
I like the idea of the alarm pill box. There are several on the market so a Web search will bring up some choices. It's likely that he's not doing this on purpose, but that he's defensive because he doesn't want to admit he got confused or forgot. Parents often get defensive with their adult children - after all, they are the parent and it's uncomfortable to have your "kids" telling you what to do.
If a scheduled box of some type doesn't work, then you may have to have the doctor tell your dad that for this particular pill, since it's so easy to forget and take a second, he'll have to let you control it or he can't have it.
Your dad needs compassion but he also needs to have this situation figured out. Try to preserve his dignity if you can. If it's true addiction, then I think you'll have noticed him increasingly running more and more short. If that's the case, the doctor must be in on the decision of what to do.
Good luck with this.
Carol see more
Question
Any financial programs to help cover respite care?
Call your regional social services agency. Ours actually has some federal funding for respite care that goes to waste because people... Call your regional social services agency. Ours actually has some federal funding for respite care that goes to waste because people don't know it's there. Since this is not well known, I've been asked to publicize it in my newspaper column from time to time.
I can't tell you where to look in your area, but I'm not talking about county social services where you'd get adult protective services, etc. Perhaps the Area Agency on Aging can help you find the right resources.
Or else, you can go to your state website. Type in the name of your state and type "aging" with it. You should get many links including your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have a different name). They can be very helpful in finding you services.
Good luck. I hope that you can find some respite soon.
Carol see more
I can't tell you where to look in your area, but I'm not talking about county social services where you'd get adult protective services, etc. Perhaps the Area Agency on Aging can help you find the right resources.
Or else, you can go to your state website. Type in the name of your state and type "aging" with it. You should get many links including your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have a different name). They can be very helpful in finding you services.
Good luck. I hope that you can find some respite soon.
Carol see more
Question
As a caregiver, how are you managing to take care of your own health?
Freqflyer, you touched on an issue that hits us all. As a writer and a voice of family caregivers, I am frequently asked to write tips on... Freqflyer, you touched on an issue that hits us all. As a writer and a voice of family caregivers, I am frequently asked to write tips on how to take care of the caregiver. They are easy to write. After all, it's common sense. Yet, doing it is another issue. I know that only too well. Good advice but how, in real life, do we implement it?
The only way is to learn to detach from your parents' issues to some degree and that is very difficult. However, sometimes it's your life or theirs.
I've spoiled my loved ones, too. It's hard to undo some of that. But insisting that they take a cab or get someone else to drive them is sometimes the only way we can get a break. They hate it. But if we don't do it we don't have a chance of relief.
People with some faith base can sometimes learn to "turn it over" - feel less alone if they feel they have a spiritual connection. I'm not saying that this is magic, but when I've been at my wits end (not rare), I've had remind myself that I believe that there is a presence who can carry the load with me. Mediating on that helps me cope.
Your last sentence is about an issue that is becoming much more common. Senior citizens taking care of senior citizens. People with their own health issues (not necessarily senior citizens) becoming frazzled caregivers of the older generation.
That is the price we pay for people living longer lives. People live longer but not always healthy enough to care for themselves. Therefore, people are becoming caregivers at an older age and staying caregivers for much longer than in the past.
When I hear "but it used to be that families took care of the elderly at home" I want to remind people that it used to be that the average woman was at home while the man worked at the job. The average parent didn't live so long that the adult "child" was a senior citizen. Things have changed, so harking back to the 50s just doesn't work anymore.
I'm not giving you any relief here except to say that I - and many people on this forum - understand your frustration. What is the answer? Get tougher, I guess. Stand up to our loved ones and look for outside help to some degree even if whine, cry and complain because they just want us.
Take care of yourself somehow. Connecting with others does help so please keep letting us know how you feel.
Carol see more
The only way is to learn to detach from your parents' issues to some degree and that is very difficult. However, sometimes it's your life or theirs.
I've spoiled my loved ones, too. It's hard to undo some of that. But insisting that they take a cab or get someone else to drive them is sometimes the only way we can get a break. They hate it. But if we don't do it we don't have a chance of relief.
People with some faith base can sometimes learn to "turn it over" - feel less alone if they feel they have a spiritual connection. I'm not saying that this is magic, but when I've been at my wits end (not rare), I've had remind myself that I believe that there is a presence who can carry the load with me. Mediating on that helps me cope.
Your last sentence is about an issue that is becoming much more common. Senior citizens taking care of senior citizens. People with their own health issues (not necessarily senior citizens) becoming frazzled caregivers of the older generation.
That is the price we pay for people living longer lives. People live longer but not always healthy enough to care for themselves. Therefore, people are becoming caregivers at an older age and staying caregivers for much longer than in the past.
When I hear "but it used to be that families took care of the elderly at home" I want to remind people that it used to be that the average woman was at home while the man worked at the job. The average parent didn't live so long that the adult "child" was a senior citizen. Things have changed, so harking back to the 50s just doesn't work anymore.
I'm not giving you any relief here except to say that I - and many people on this forum - understand your frustration. What is the answer? Get tougher, I guess. Stand up to our loved ones and look for outside help to some degree even if whine, cry and complain because they just want us.
Take care of yourself somehow. Connecting with others does help so please keep letting us know how you feel.
Carol see more
Question
How long does it typically take for 87 year old to adjust to assisted living?
Wonderful answers from everyone here. Your dad may take days, weeks or months to adjust. Be there for him, distract him when he complains,... Wonderful answers from everyone here. Your dad may take days, weeks or months to adjust. Be there for him, distract him when he complains, bring items from home that are familiar to him - just don't show any sign that you are sorry he's there.
As some others mentioned, you may hear him say repeatedly "I want to go home." That is common and really has little to do with actually going to the home he just left. Some experts think home is more of a state of mind. Others think it's the home from childhood. Whatever "home" means to the person with dementia, going back to where he or she recently came from isn't the answer.
Take care of yourself. Your heart will break at times, but you can help best by being his anchor and reassuring him that he is loved for who he is. Please keep coming back to check in with our community and to let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
As some others mentioned, you may hear him say repeatedly "I want to go home." That is common and really has little to do with actually going to the home he just left. Some experts think home is more of a state of mind. Others think it's the home from childhood. Whatever "home" means to the person with dementia, going back to where he or she recently came from isn't the answer.
Take care of yourself. Your heart will break at times, but you can help best by being his anchor and reassuring him that he is loved for who he is. Please keep coming back to check in with our community and to let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How do you place an alcoholic Dad with dementia in a care home if they want him to stop drinking and he won't?
I agree that if he's reasonably content and able to function I'd leave him alone. If he does need to go into a care facility they... I agree that if he's reasonably content and able to function I'd leave him alone. If he does need to go into a care facility they need to know about his alcohol use/abuse because quick withdrawal after a lifetime of drinking can have horrendous effects without treatment.
As people have already said, his alcohol use isn't your doing or your problem. It's complicated now by dementia, so you may eventually get drawn into getting him into care. You'll need to be completely honest about his addiction. I'd suggest Al-Anon for you because being with others can help you cope.
Good luck,
Carol see more
As people have already said, his alcohol use isn't your doing or your problem. It's complicated now by dementia, so you may eventually get drawn into getting him into care. You'll need to be completely honest about his addiction. I'd suggest Al-Anon for you because being with others can help you cope.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How to get husband to quit pulling on his catheter?
Ah, bookluvr, thanks for the paper tape idea. A friend of mine used that for awhile. Still, as you say, caregivers dealing directly with... Ah, bookluvr, thanks for the paper tape idea. A friend of mine used that for awhile.
Still, as you say, caregivers dealing directly with these issues often get pat advice that theoretically should work, but the reality is often different. Good luck to you.
Carol see more
Still, as you say, caregivers dealing directly with these issues often get pat advice that theoretically should work, but the reality is often different. Good luck to you.
Carol see more
My sister refuses to allow me to talk to my Dad on the phone. Any advice?
It's true that it's abuse to isolate someone, so if after you've tried every way to communicate with your sister, if she still refuses, you could tell her that you'll have to have a welfare check done on your dad since she won't share information.
I would try everything else first in case she thinks, for whatever reason, she is doing the right thing. Write her a letter. Send her an email. Let her know that you just want to know what is going on and to be updated about your dad. When you know more, let her know that it's time for you to talk with him.
So much depends on your family history and what is going on there. There's always the legal route but that will surely destroy your family relationships, so if there's no real need for that, don't do it. Try everything else first.
Good luck. Please keep us posted.
Carol see more