Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My brother doesn't understand changes in our Mom as she ages. Are there articles/books I can point him to to h...
Windy, a lot depends on what is going on with your mom. Does she have dementia or is she simply showing signs of vulnerability with age?... Windy, a lot depends on what is going on with your mom. Does she have dementia or is she simply showing signs of vulnerability with age? Does she have female specific issues?
I'm not sure what format your brother would prefer or even if he's interested in learning, but this site is packed with articles that could help him understand aging, dementia and caregiving. Also, disease specific sites such as the national Alzheimer's Association or the Diabetes Association or the Arthritis Foundation can be very helpful.
As for books, The Mayo Clinic has an abundance of books on aging covering general aging as well as specific diseases such as Alzheimer's. They are medically sound as well as reader friendly. I'd suggest that you browse their site and look over the choices of material.
Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. Also, more information could give us a chance to better help you.
Carol see more
I'm not sure what format your brother would prefer or even if he's interested in learning, but this site is packed with articles that could help him understand aging, dementia and caregiving. Also, disease specific sites such as the national Alzheimer's Association or the Diabetes Association or the Arthritis Foundation can be very helpful.
As for books, The Mayo Clinic has an abundance of books on aging covering general aging as well as specific diseases such as Alzheimer's. They are medically sound as well as reader friendly. I'd suggest that you browse their site and look over the choices of material.
Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. Also, more information could give us a chance to better help you.
Carol see more
Question
My parent's want me and my wife to move in with them. What are my legal options?
That may work very well, but consider how well you all get along now. How much privacy do people need vs. how much is realistically... That may work very well, but consider how well you all get along now. How much privacy do people need vs. how much is realistically available? This could be a long road.
Also, realize that one or both parents may eventually need nursing home care which could put the parents on Medicaid.
You should all go together to see an elder law attorney to work out any glitches that could arise should other relatives, Medicaid or personality issues cause problems.
Good luck. I hope this works out well for you all.
Carol see more
Also, realize that one or both parents may eventually need nursing home care which could put the parents on Medicaid.
You should all go together to see an elder law attorney to work out any glitches that could arise should other relatives, Medicaid or personality issues cause problems.
Good luck. I hope this works out well for you all.
Carol see more
Question
Is anyone familiar with ramping up with Alzheimer's patients?
Pam said it well. The main thing is that every person is different. Work closely with the doctor and, yes, the pharmacist as well.... Pam said it well. The main thing is that every person is different. Work closely with the doctor and, yes, the pharmacist as well. Pharmacists are generally well versed in side effects and can offer valuable information.
A combination of medications and focused attention to the cause of the person's anxiety can be effective. Put yourself in the place of the affected person: not understanding what is going on around us would make us anxious. So, all of these approaches are good.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
A combination of medications and focused attention to the cause of the person's anxiety can be effective. Put yourself in the place of the affected person: not understanding what is going on around us would make us anxious. So, all of these approaches are good.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
When Alzheimer's meds stop working. What should I expect?
The older and sicker people are the more likely it is that they will have problems with medications. That included pain meds. Many pain... The older and sicker people are the more likely it is that they will have problems with medications. That included pain meds. Many pain medications can make people sleepy or have other effects which will show up with Alzheimer's.
Sometimes the medications are necessary anyway (we don't want to ignore pain). Other times it's best not to medicate. Generally, the fewer medications the better during the last stages.
Take care,
Carol see more
Sometimes the medications are necessary anyway (we don't want to ignore pain). Other times it's best not to medicate. Generally, the fewer medications the better during the last stages.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Could statins cause a demented person to be more confused?
Yes, Joseph, please keep us posted!
Take care,
Carol
Take care,
Carol
Question
Is there an online caregiver's support group?
You found the right place, Crickett. This is a very large group where you'll find people who have had very similar experiences to... You found the right place, Crickett. This is a very large group where you'll find people who have had very similar experiences to yours. Even when we haven't had identical experiences, we can commiserate.
Your frustration is very human and understandable. Of course it hurts to be treated like this.
With your own health issues, it seems like you are trying to do way too much. This site has many people who are trying or have tried to provide hands-on care to mothers who have personality disorders which is what this sounds like.
It's possible that her strokes change her personality a lot but this seems to be extreme. Your sister's lack of help - even egging your mom on - is deplorable.
Whatever the cause, you do not deserve to be treated like this. I would recommend placing your mom in some professional care facility or getting her into her own place with in-home care.
Keep checking back to hear from people who really have walked in your shoes.
We're here to listen and proved what help we can.
Carol see more
Your frustration is very human and understandable. Of course it hurts to be treated like this.
With your own health issues, it seems like you are trying to do way too much. This site has many people who are trying or have tried to provide hands-on care to mothers who have personality disorders which is what this sounds like.
It's possible that her strokes change her personality a lot but this seems to be extreme. Your sister's lack of help - even egging your mom on - is deplorable.
Whatever the cause, you do not deserve to be treated like this. I would recommend placing your mom in some professional care facility or getting her into her own place with in-home care.
Keep checking back to hear from people who really have walked in your shoes.
We're here to listen and proved what help we can.
Carol see more
Question
When Alzheimer's meds stop working. What should I expect?
I'm glad that you are changing doctors. It doesn't sound like the attitude is too great where he's been. Keep us posted, okay?... I'm glad that you are changing doctors. It doesn't sound like the attitude is too great where he's been.
Keep us posted, okay?
Carol see more
Keep us posted, okay?
Carol see more
Question
When Alzheimer's meds stop working. What should I expect?
Twopupsmom, it sounds as if you husband's doctor will keep him on the medications as long as they help. Once the doctor's... Twopupsmom, it sounds as if you husband's doctor will keep him on the medications as long as they help. Once the doctor's determined the meds aren't helping, then he'll withdraw them.
Everyone is different, but I don't think you see a "day and night" change - but you'll see a decline. Stage 7 is last stage, so prepare yourself now. Some days will be better than others, as always.
Please keep in touch so we know how you are doing. We can listen even if we can't give you a magic answer.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Everyone is different, but I don't think you see a "day and night" change - but you'll see a decline. Stage 7 is last stage, so prepare yourself now. Some days will be better than others, as always.
Please keep in touch so we know how you are doing. We can listen even if we can't give you a magic answer.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
When Alzheimer's meds stop working. What should I expect?
Judie, I'd take your husband to another doctor for a second opinion. If this doctor had him on meds and then decided he didn't have... Judie, I'd take your husband to another doctor for a second opinion. If this doctor had him on meds and then decided he didn't have AD and took him off the medication, but then your husband got so much worse without the meds - well, that's disturbing to me.
Maybe he doesn't have Alzheimer's, but it could be that he is having problems from another medication or a B12 deficiency or an infection - or another type of dementia. It seems to me that he was just "dropped." Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but from my perspective, I'd get a second opinion.
Take care,
Carol see more
Maybe he doesn't have Alzheimer's, but it could be that he is having problems from another medication or a B12 deficiency or an infection - or another type of dementia. It seems to me that he was just "dropped." Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but from my perspective, I'd get a second opinion.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dad has weak legs and trouble pulling up pants in bathroom. He does not want to ask for help. What can I do?
If he can't pull up his pants and tries to walk he may fall. He's probably embarrassed to ask, but if you tell him that you... If he can't pull up his pants and tries to walk he may fall.
He's probably embarrassed to ask, but if you tell him that you don't want him falling so you'll be waiting to help, he may let you. Try some humor if you think he'll respond to that.
The main thing is that he can't see that you are embarrassed. It's hard to get used to helping a parent with these intimate things - particularly one of the opposite gender. Time helps make this routine but there's generally a little discomfort at first. Act firm but light hearted if that makes sense to you. Like it's no big deal but he can't be falling just because he's stubborn.
Good luck. Please check back and see if others have more suggestions.
Carol see more
He's probably embarrassed to ask, but if you tell him that you don't want him falling so you'll be waiting to help, he may let you. Try some humor if you think he'll respond to that.
The main thing is that he can't see that you are embarrassed. It's hard to get used to helping a parent with these intimate things - particularly one of the opposite gender. Time helps make this routine but there's generally a little discomfort at first. Act firm but light hearted if that makes sense to you. Like it's no big deal but he can't be falling just because he's stubborn.
Good luck. Please check back and see if others have more suggestions.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help when my Mom doesn't want my help or the facility help?
I think that Adult Protective Services, or as you say, the Sheriff may be your only choice. They will figure something out. You can't... I think that Adult Protective Services, or as you say, the Sheriff may be your only choice. They will figure something out. You can't be responsible in this situation.
Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
Could statins cause a demented person to be more confused?
There have been conflicting studies (surprise!) about statins and their effect on memory and people with dementia. I've heard from... There have been conflicting studies (surprise!) about statins and their effect on memory and people with dementia. I've heard from people who swear their loved one's dementia was connected to statins, though not all studies will agree with that.
That being said, I do feel that the trauma of her husband's illness could be responsible for her condition. It's hard to tease apart the two changes since they happened so close together. Check with her doctor and see if she can temporarily go off the stains until she is more stable. This step may or may not help, but it rarely hurts to look to medications when confusion or memory issues arise or worsen.
Please let us know how you are holding up.
Carol see more
That being said, I do feel that the trauma of her husband's illness could be responsible for her condition. It's hard to tease apart the two changes since they happened so close together. Check with her doctor and see if she can temporarily go off the stains until she is more stable. This step may or may not help, but it rarely hurts to look to medications when confusion or memory issues arise or worsen.
Please let us know how you are holding up.
Carol see more
Question
How can I help when my Mom doesn't want my help or the facility help?
You can check with your Area Agency on Aging or ask Adult Protective Services what your next step is. If your mother is cognitively sound,... You can check with your Area Agency on Aging or ask Adult Protective Services what your next step is. If your mother is cognitively sound, then she has the right to make her own choices. So do you. I'm not sure about your state, but I do think that in many states you can decline your status as POA, if that's your choice. You may need to ask for some advice from an attorney.
The main thing to remember is that we can't live another person's life for them. It's not your fault if she's making poor choices.
Please keep checking back for support from this community. There's a lot of wisdom among this vast array of caregivers.
Carol see more
The main thing to remember is that we can't live another person's life for them. It's not your fault if she's making poor choices.
Please keep checking back for support from this community. There's a lot of wisdom among this vast array of caregivers.
Carol see more
Question
Can't afford a lawyer to make up a Will. Any advice?
There are many forms on the Internet - some for as little as $20. Be sure and find one that is meant for your state and get it notarized so... There are many forms on the Internet - some for as little as $20. Be sure and find one that is meant for your state and get it notarized so that it's legal. Your bank should have a notary public.
If you have a complicated will, then you may want a more sophisticated form such as 3PinkRoses suggested or something from a finance expert. Some people just want to leave everything to a child or children - others have very specific bequests.
If you have a complicated issue, then an attorney is best. Good luck to you. The legal work is important, yet attorneys can be expensive. It's not an uncommon problem to not quite know what to do.
Carol see more
If you have a complicated will, then you may want a more sophisticated form such as 3PinkRoses suggested or something from a finance expert. Some people just want to leave everything to a child or children - others have very specific bequests.
If you have a complicated issue, then an attorney is best. Good luck to you. The legal work is important, yet attorneys can be expensive. It's not an uncommon problem to not quite know what to do.
Carol see more
Question
Should we take Mom with Alzheimer's/dementia with us to a party with our friends?
Wonderful news! This shows that every situation is different. We have to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision based on that day.... Wonderful news! This shows that every situation is different. We have to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision based on that day. We won't always have great results, but sometimes it's worth taking a little risk. I'm thrilled for you and for your mom.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
What can a spouse keep in SS with pension for admittance into a facility?
I agree. Every state is different. It's important that the community spouse see an attorney (elder law or estate) who knows your... I agree. Every state is different. It's important that the community spouse see an attorney (elder law or estate) who knows your state's Medicaid policy and do the planning needed.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Husband with vascular dementia, no walking or standing. Kids want assisted living but I'm having a hard time a...
You are not giving up on him, my friend. You will be able to give him the attention he needs from you far longer if you have the help of... You are not giving up on him, my friend. You will be able to give him the attention he needs from you far longer if you have the help of ASL so that you can stay healthy and cared for yourself. It's as vital to him that you take care of yourself as his health is to you. I think your family loves you both and wants the best for both of you. Getting help from professionals is not giving up. It's a step toward more health and safety for both of you.
This change will be difficult, as any big change is. However, in the end, I think you'll be glad you made the change. Do remember that adjustment takes time too, so complaints are to be expected.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
This change will be difficult, as any big change is. However, in the end, I think you'll be glad you made the change. Do remember that adjustment takes time too, so complaints are to be expected.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My wife has Alzheimer's disease and must have someome wih her all times. Will Medicare cover this?
Thanks for this valuable information, Igloo!
Carol
Carol
Question
How to help Dad accept he's not going home?
Everyone had wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to add my support to the fact that you've done all you can. Time should help this... Everyone had wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to add my support to the fact that you've done all you can. Time should help this situation. If he thinks you are wavering even a little he will keep pushing, so you need to stay strong and firm and tell him that he needs professional caregivers. Let him know that you love him and you will be is advocate but you cannot provide his physical care.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Are there any support groups in Baytown, TX?
One of the best ways to find local services is through state websites.
If you type Texas and aging into your browser you'll see the Texas Department of Aging and Disability Services, but you'll also see a long list of links. Look for caregiver help, since every state has it's own version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program, as well. These people, as well as other contacts you'll find listed, will be able to suggestion support groups in Baytown.
Please check back with us so we know how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol see more