Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What does Medicare pay for if a parent has a mental illiness?
So much depends on where we live. In my community most (probably not all) of the psychiatrists and psychologists accept Medicare and... So much depends on where we live. In my community most (probably not all) of the psychiatrists and psychologists accept Medicare and Medicaid. In many places you may have to search, as Ferris said.
What we pay in Medicare depends on which plan the person carries if they carry a supplemental policy at all. Plan F leaves no co-pay (but is more expensive). Other plans have a co-pay as stated. If no supplemental coverage has been put in place, then there will be the standard 20%.
It angers me that mental and cognitive disorders are still treated differently than "physical" disorders. Most mental disorders seem to have a physical basis but even if they don't, what should it matter? That's the stigma that has yet to disappear. Very sad and unfair.
Good luck,
Carol see more
What we pay in Medicare depends on which plan the person carries if they carry a supplemental policy at all. Plan F leaves no co-pay (but is more expensive). Other plans have a co-pay as stated. If no supplemental coverage has been put in place, then there will be the standard 20%.
It angers me that mental and cognitive disorders are still treated differently than "physical" disorders. Most mental disorders seem to have a physical basis but even if they don't, what should it matter? That's the stigma that has yet to disappear. Very sad and unfair.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My wife has Alzheimer's disease and must have someome wih her all times. Will Medicare cover this?
As gladimhere said, Medicare coverage is limited. Many long-term care policies will partially cover in-home care, but otherwise you are on... As gladimhere said, Medicare coverage is limited. Many long-term care policies will partially cover in-home care, but otherwise you are on your own until you've spent down your assets.
Since you are married, you should see an elder law attorney to see what you can keep for yourself and what needs to be spent down from personal money for your wife before she qualified for Medicaid. In some states, Medicaid will pay for in-home care (smart), but in others, they only pay for nursing home care. So much depends on where you live that an elder law attorney or estate attorney who knows Medicaid law well should probably be consulted.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Since you are married, you should see an elder law attorney to see what you can keep for yourself and what needs to be spent down from personal money for your wife before she qualified for Medicaid. In some states, Medicaid will pay for in-home care (smart), but in others, they only pay for nursing home care. So much depends on where you live that an elder law attorney or estate attorney who knows Medicaid law well should probably be consulted.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do I need a caregiver agreement between me and my Mom?
I agree that while in the past verbal agreements were common, it's wise to have it legalized. The IRS can consider certain amounts as... I agree that while in the past verbal agreements were common, it's wise to have it legalized. The IRS can consider certain amounts as gifts to the caregiver, but Medicaid considers gifts a reason to not cover someone until that is "used up." This, I may add, may vary by state. Just to cover yourself, at least have a notarized agreement but one drawn up by an attorney would likely be worth a one time visit.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Dad cannot operate TV remote control by himself. Any advice?
Pre-programming makes a lot of sense! I used to try to keep the news away from Dad because it upset him. Good advice.
Carol
Carol
Question
My Dad gifted his money to his grandchildren before passing away. He wrote gifting statements instead of a Wil...
This is tricky. It would have been better if the gifting statements had been notarized. However, this may still stand up unless it goes to... This is tricky. It would have been better if the gifting statements had been notarized. However, this may still stand up unless it goes to court. As far as the other account, you may need legal advice.
It's sad since your dad wanted you to have his money. So much depends on whether anyone is willing to take this to court. You may want to see an elder law attorney to see what your options are.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It's sad since your dad wanted you to have his money. So much depends on whether anyone is willing to take this to court. You may want to see an elder law attorney to see what your options are.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Dad cannot operate TV remote control by himself. Any advice?
I did everything possible to find the simplest remote for my dad but nothing really worked. I'd love to hear if anyone has a solution. ... I did everything possible to find the simplest remote for my dad but nothing really worked. I'd love to hear if anyone has a solution.
As far as a "good home" goes - dad received excellent care but there couldn't be an aide there every minute. He could use his call button but he wouldn't do that to change his TV channel - he wanted to do that himself. They always adjusted things for him when they came in which was often, but he still wanted that control. Unfortunately, I never found a very good solution.
Keep us posted, please!
Carol see more
As far as a "good home" goes - dad received excellent care but there couldn't be an aide there every minute. He could use his call button but he wouldn't do that to change his TV channel - he wanted to do that himself. They always adjusted things for him when they came in which was often, but he still wanted that control. Unfortunately, I never found a very good solution.
Keep us posted, please!
Carol see more
Question
Should we take Mom with Alzheimer's/dementia with us to a party with our friends?
You aren't alone with this problem, Osomerset. Many people find that they can't take their elders or spouse to a gathering for that... You aren't alone with this problem, Osomerset. Many people find that they can't take their elders or spouse to a gathering for that very reason. That's why it's important for the hosts to understand the nature of the disease. Also, the size of the group matters. I also agree with dirtydemensia that the host should be asked. Some people find it easier than others to have someone different (and often abrasive) around. Great thoughts from the group, as always.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Should we take Mom with Alzheimer's/dementia with us to a party with our friends?
I agree that if the gathering isn't too large and your friends are aware of your mother's dementia, go ahead and take her. Be... I agree that if the gathering isn't too large and your friends are aware of your mother's dementia, go ahead and take her. Be aware, though, that she may get tired, anxious and/or agitated, so have a back up plan for someone to take her home.
Some people with dementia enjoy going out. Others are very anxious and don't enjoy it. Some of what you do will have to be based on how she is doing that day, as well. If she's like most people with dementia, she'll have some days where she's more clear than others. Days where her anxiety is worse. Go with your gut, but have a back up plan (or exit plan as Everishlass so wisely suggests). I hope you all can have some fun.
Carol see more
Some people with dementia enjoy going out. Others are very anxious and don't enjoy it. Some of what you do will have to be based on how she is doing that day, as well. If she's like most people with dementia, she'll have some days where she's more clear than others. Days where her anxiety is worse. Go with your gut, but have a back up plan (or exit plan as Everishlass so wisely suggests). I hope you all can have some fun.
Carol see more
Question
Dad going into home. How can I make him feel ok about that?
This all sounds so familiar to me, Viejos! It's natural that even when our loved one knows the move to a nursing home is for the best,... This all sounds so familiar to me, Viejos! It's natural that even when our loved one knows the move to a nursing home is for the best, adjustment will take time. My mother made that decision, but for the first few weeks she was there you'd never know it. There was a lot of complaining. Eventually, she was fine.
You're on the right track. Visit often, and when he complains, gently remind him that this care is what he needs. Work on making his room or his space as personal as possible. Just be there for him so he's reminded that he has not been abandoned.
He will be angry and sad for awhile. Remind yourself that this adjustment is hard. But he'll get better. And even if he keeps complaining, you know that this was the only option. Your mom could not keep up the care. It literally could have killed her.
This is a tough decision but you've done well. Please keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
You're on the right track. Visit often, and when he complains, gently remind him that this care is what he needs. Work on making his room or his space as personal as possible. Just be there for him so he's reminded that he has not been abandoned.
He will be angry and sad for awhile. Remind yourself that this adjustment is hard. But he'll get better. And even if he keeps complaining, you know that this was the only option. Your mom could not keep up the care. It literally could have killed her.
This is a tough decision but you've done well. Please keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
My single brother died in a nursing home, the nursing home sends me a bill for his last month care. What do I...
You shouldn't be responsible for this bill unless you signed papers saying that you were. If he has no assets, I don't know why he... You shouldn't be responsible for this bill unless you signed papers saying that you were. If he has no assets, I don't know why he went off of Medicaid, but unless you said you'd pay the bill (in writing) I don't think they can do anything to push you farther. If they do, go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip Code of the home. Then find the contact under that Zip code who can help you with this.
Good luck. Please let us know how you're doing.
Carol see more
Good luck. Please let us know how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
What can I do for my mentally retarded Mom?
kalaimani, it sounds as if the only way to keep your mom safe is to find professional care for her. She may need medication and she... kalaimani, it sounds as if the only way to keep your mom safe is to find professional care for her. She may need medication and she certainly needs care. Wandering the streets is dangerous. You really aren't in a position to help her now other than to contact adult protective services and ask them to take her into the system. She needs help and from what you've said, this is the only way.
You aren't harming her by getting her help - this is what she needs. Please follow through and then let us know how you are doing, as well.
Carol see more
You aren't harming her by getting her help - this is what she needs. Please follow through and then let us know how you are doing, as well.
Carol see more
Question
How do you get over guilt?
Good advice, Kathy. A therapist can help put things into perspective.
Carol
Carol
Question
How do you get over guilt?
It's not crazy to think like you are, Missmel. It's normal. However, you you've made the best decision you can for your... It's not crazy to think like you are, Missmel. It's normal.
However, you you've made the best decision you can for your mom's health and safety based on the options. Nearly all of us have to go through a time of grieving when we need to get help from others for our loved ones. That includes nursing home care. You will still be part of the care team, but she'll have professional help, as well.
Selling the house will be hard to say the least. You said you mom is doing okay there. How is she cognitively? If she's got dementia, I wouldn't even try to explain selling the house because she may not be able to grasp the reason behind it. If she's cognitively sharp, then you can include her, but let her know that you'll save important family mementos.
Good luck with your situation. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Many people here in the community have gone through what you are now going through, so you'll get lots of support.
Take care of yourself, now, too.
Carol see more
However, you you've made the best decision you can for your mom's health and safety based on the options. Nearly all of us have to go through a time of grieving when we need to get help from others for our loved ones. That includes nursing home care. You will still be part of the care team, but she'll have professional help, as well.
Selling the house will be hard to say the least. You said you mom is doing okay there. How is she cognitively? If she's got dementia, I wouldn't even try to explain selling the house because she may not be able to grasp the reason behind it. If she's cognitively sharp, then you can include her, but let her know that you'll save important family mementos.
Good luck with your situation. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Many people here in the community have gone through what you are now going through, so you'll get lots of support.
Take care of yourself, now, too.
Carol see more
Question
My grandparents will not accept help and there are too many cooks in the kitchen. Should everyone back off?
I agree that everyone should back off. People like your grandparents often feel bullied by all of this pushing. They may eventually agree... I agree that everyone should back off. People like your grandparents often feel bullied by all of this pushing. They may eventually agree to some help if they are given what you mentioned - loving attention and distraction. If they feel free to make their own decisions they may become more reasonable.
I also agree that if they aren't too resistant to wearing personal alarms to call for help that would be a step forward. Because of all the pushing in the past, they may even refuse this for awhile, but in the future you could gently mention that this form of help is non-intrusive and possible so that you'll set it up if they decide they want it. To me the magic words are "they decide."
I know it's hard to watch this and not try to fix it, but human dignity and the ability to decide for oneself is important. Good luck to you all,
Carol see more
I also agree that if they aren't too resistant to wearing personal alarms to call for help that would be a step forward. Because of all the pushing in the past, they may even refuse this for awhile, but in the future you could gently mention that this form of help is non-intrusive and possible so that you'll set it up if they decide they want it. To me the magic words are "they decide."
I know it's hard to watch this and not try to fix it, but human dignity and the ability to decide for oneself is important. Good luck to you all,
Carol see more
Question
How do I hire a caregiver for my sister who insists she is fine?
Your sister doesn't want change and may not want to admit she needs a caregiver. With you, she can just say this is my sister. Since... Your sister doesn't want change and may not want to admit she needs a caregiver. With you, she can just say this is my sister.
Since your sister has the money and you can't continue to be her only caregiver (very understandable) maybe you can try a little trickery.
You could hire a person to be your "friend" and visit you, then include your sister in this "friendship," gradually letting your sister learn to like and trust her.Then, you could move your friend into your sister's life more gradually without making it a big deal that this person is a "caregiver."
I do think you need to stand firm, no matter how you approach this, but if you can do it gently, it may be easier to get her to comply.
Good luck. Please check back and let us know how this is going.
Carol see more
Since your sister has the money and you can't continue to be her only caregiver (very understandable) maybe you can try a little trickery.
You could hire a person to be your "friend" and visit you, then include your sister in this "friendship," gradually letting your sister learn to like and trust her.Then, you could move your friend into your sister's life more gradually without making it a big deal that this person is a "caregiver."
I do think you need to stand firm, no matter how you approach this, but if you can do it gently, it may be easier to get her to comply.
Good luck. Please check back and let us know how this is going.
Carol see more
Question
Where do I start if I think something shady might be going on in the rehab center my grandmother is at?
My first question here is has your grandmother been diagnosed with dementia? Even if she hasn't, if she's in rehab there's a... My first question here is has your grandmother been diagnosed with dementia? Even if she hasn't, if she's in rehab there's a reason for her being there. The stress of a hospitalization or a surgery can kick in dementia symptoms. Sometimes people get better, but often this is the beginning of cognitive decline.
I'm not saying that every rehab or nursing home is great. Many aren't. But the examples given seem to be very common misinterpretations made by people with dementia.
My advice would be to support your grandmother by letting her know that you're checking into this. You don't want to ague with her or make her feel bad by telling her that she's wrong. Letting her know that you are checking into the problem will help her feel supported. You may want to learn more about validating her feelings by reading this article or contacting your local Alzheimer's organization.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
If there truly seems to be a problem in the rehab center, try talking with the social worker first, and then the administrator. You can, if you are convinced that this is a problematic center, try to get advice from a long-term care ombudsman. While rehab isn't long-term care, many are connected to ltc facilities. The place to look is www.ltcombudsman.org.
Good luck with your grandmother. She needs your love and support.
Carol see more
I'm not saying that every rehab or nursing home is great. Many aren't. But the examples given seem to be very common misinterpretations made by people with dementia.
My advice would be to support your grandmother by letting her know that you're checking into this. You don't want to ague with her or make her feel bad by telling her that she's wrong. Letting her know that you are checking into the problem will help her feel supported. You may want to learn more about validating her feelings by reading this article or contacting your local Alzheimer's organization.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
If there truly seems to be a problem in the rehab center, try talking with the social worker first, and then the administrator. You can, if you are convinced that this is a problematic center, try to get advice from a long-term care ombudsman. While rehab isn't long-term care, many are connected to ltc facilities. The place to look is www.ltcombudsman.org.
Good luck with your grandmother. She needs your love and support.
Carol see more
Question
Anyone else having trouble with non-social parent?
While I understand that some people aren't social, I agree with Pam that this doesn't seem to be your mom's problem. She wants... While I understand that some people aren't social, I agree with Pam that this doesn't seem to be your mom's problem. She wants to socialize but she wants you involved.
Perhaps giving adult day care another try may help. Let them know her patterns and tough out the first days when she'll complain and try to make you feel guilty. You may have better luck if you tell here that this is her only option because you can't spend your evenings taking her out. Then stick with it. If she figures out that she can't get you to comply with her demands, she may make friends at ADC.
Good luck with this. You must take care of yourself so it's important that you find some solution. Please keep us posted and watch for insight from other forum members. We've all had different experiences.
Carol see more
Perhaps giving adult day care another try may help. Let them know her patterns and tough out the first days when she'll complain and try to make you feel guilty. You may have better luck if you tell here that this is her only option because you can't spend your evenings taking her out. Then stick with it. If she figures out that she can't get you to comply with her demands, she may make friends at ADC.
Good luck with this. You must take care of yourself so it's important that you find some solution. Please keep us posted and watch for insight from other forum members. We've all had different experiences.
Carol see more
Question
Where can I find financial assistance for incontinence supplies?
One would think that's a medical necessity in your situation, but SSI often doesn't cover things that aren't prescribed. In... One would think that's a medical necessity in your situation, but SSI often doesn't cover things that aren't prescribed. In some states Medicaid will pay for these supplies, but like so many things with Medicaid, it depends on where you live. Have you talked with your doctor about this? Maybe there's a way to word this so that you can get some help with the expenses.
Please let us know if you can find any help. Others one the forum here have had success, but not everyone. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
Please let us know if you can find any help. Others one the forum here have had success, but not everyone. Good luck to you,
Carol see more
Question
In process of applying for Medicaid, money is gone. Should I put my aunt in a home before getting approved?
I agree with Pam. I'd wait for the closing on the house, then she can move to a nursing home under private pay. You'll want to... I agree with Pam. I'd wait for the closing on the house, then she can move to a nursing home under private pay.
You'll want to find the home first and get on a waiting list. If they have an opening before you're ready they'll just move her down the list. Most good nursing homes have waiting lists, at least in my community.
Good luck,
Carol see more
You'll want to find the home first and get on a waiting list. If they have an opening before you're ready they'll just move her down the list. Most good nursing homes have waiting lists, at least in my community.
Good luck,
Carol see more
My Mom (76) has not gotten out of bed, eating properly and denies depression. Any advice?
Please check back and let us know how it's going.
Carol see more