Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Does anyone know of any other drugs for anxiety than Lorazepam?
Low doses of klonopin (clonazepam) can be helpful. This drug can also help with sleep. Anti-anxiety medications often make people sleepy... Low doses of klonopin (clonazepam) can be helpful. This drug can also help with sleep.
Anti-anxiety medications often make people sleepy during the day so it can take some work to get the right dose.
Anxiety is a common symptom with Alzheimer's disease and reassurance is very necessary, however some people need medication. Keep working with the doctor to get the best result possible, knowing that a perfect solution may not happen. Sometimes we have to do our best and live with that.
Take care,
Carol see more
Anti-anxiety medications often make people sleepy during the day so it can take some work to get the right dose.
Anxiety is a common symptom with Alzheimer's disease and reassurance is very necessary, however some people need medication. Keep working with the doctor to get the best result possible, knowing that a perfect solution may not happen. Sometimes we have to do our best and live with that.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
What is the difference between assisted living and independent living?
Assisted living generally means that some basic care options are provided while independent living is more like a retirement home. ... Assisted living generally means that some basic care options are provided while independent living is more like a retirement home.
It's hard to generalize, since different states may require different services to be offered to be labeled assisted living. Even in assisted living, there are very big differences between state requirements as well as simply what the facility includes in the price.
Whether you are considering independent living (which often can be bridged to assisted living when needed) or assisted living, read the contract carefully or ask for help. You want to know up front what is covered and what will cost extra.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It's hard to generalize, since different states may require different services to be offered to be labeled assisted living. Even in assisted living, there are very big differences between state requirements as well as simply what the facility includes in the price.
Whether you are considering independent living (which often can be bridged to assisted living when needed) or assisted living, read the contract carefully or ask for help. You want to know up front what is covered and what will cost extra.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What about a divorce?
A divorce would have had to happen five years prior to any need for assistance (at least as far as I know). I'm not an expert in this... A divorce would have had to happen five years prior to any need for assistance (at least as far as I know). I'm not an expert in this field, and there may be circumstances where this could work, so yes, see an attorney. However, I doubt that this will work at this time. You'd still have the five year look-back.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Is clinginess with dementia normal?
Sometimes this is called shadowing and comes along with dementia. But many of you have given excellent answers that are more general. ... Sometimes this is called shadowing and comes along with dementia. But many of you have given excellent answers that are more general.
Someone at that age may feel that they want every bit of you that they can have. They know they won't be around long and they may fear, as was mentioned, dying alone.
It's very difficult to be shadowed, but it's also difficult to live in fear. As with so many things, trying to fine a balance of some kind so that the person feels cared for and the caregiver can breathe some air alone is very, very hard. You are all amazing with your advice. Keep it coming.
Carol see more
Someone at that age may feel that they want every bit of you that they can have. They know they won't be around long and they may fear, as was mentioned, dying alone.
It's very difficult to be shadowed, but it's also difficult to live in fear. As with so many things, trying to fine a balance of some kind so that the person feels cared for and the caregiver can breathe some air alone is very, very hard. You are all amazing with your advice. Keep it coming.
Carol see more
Question
Dealing with incontinence. Any advice?
I'm so glad that this works for now. One thing to watch - a friend of mine told me that her mother had been diagnosed with... I'm so glad that this works for now. One thing to watch - a friend of mine told me that her mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Months later it was finally discovered that her dementia symptoms were caused by a drug for urinary incontinence. The caution here is to watch for changes always and keep drugs on the list of suspects. But as long as things are improving - enjoy the results!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Should I use wipes on elderly lady on non bath days?
Bookluvr gave you terrific advice. Temperature is often a problem. Make sure the air temp is comfortable and the wipes aren't cold and... Bookluvr gave you terrific advice. Temperature is often a problem. Make sure the air temp is comfortable and the wipes aren't cold and they should work fine. They are a real blessing so that keeping a loved one reasonably clean isn't such a battle.
Let us know how this works,
Carol see more
Let us know how this works,
Carol see more
Question
If Mom changes from Medicare to Medicaid, will she lose Social Security?
Good points from everyone here as always!
Carol
Carol
Question
If Mom changes from Medicare to Medicaid, will she lose Social Security?
She doesn't actually lose SS but Medicaid will use it for her care, so amounts to the same thing. In most states, people are allowed to... She doesn't actually lose SS but Medicaid will use it for her care, so amounts to the same thing. In most states, people are allowed to keep a small amount monthly for haircuts, clothing, etc. but that's about all.
Medicaid is there for the poor. Frustrating as it is to lose all parents' assets (as was the case in my family) to care, we also understood that their money was intended for their care. Just about two months after all of my parents' assets were spent down, my mother died. My dad had died a few months earlier. It was difficult for my mother to not be able to leave anything to the family, but I kept explaining that the money was there for her care. Medicaid took over for those last couple of months and we were grateful to have it.
This is a difficult process for those of us who have parents without a lot of assets, but it's real life for many. Experts in the finance field seem to have methods that can work for some to protect assets, but the reality for most of us is that there's not enough money to make this work. There's also the moral ground - as I said, Medicaid is for the poor.
Take care,
Carol see more
Medicaid is there for the poor. Frustrating as it is to lose all parents' assets (as was the case in my family) to care, we also understood that their money was intended for their care. Just about two months after all of my parents' assets were spent down, my mother died. My dad had died a few months earlier. It was difficult for my mother to not be able to leave anything to the family, but I kept explaining that the money was there for her care. Medicaid took over for those last couple of months and we were grateful to have it.
This is a difficult process for those of us who have parents without a lot of assets, but it's real life for many. Experts in the finance field seem to have methods that can work for some to protect assets, but the reality for most of us is that there's not enough money to make this work. There's also the moral ground - as I said, Medicaid is for the poor.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Sister is living and preying on Mom until she is broke. Any advice?
Countrymouse said it well. You can have the situation reviewed by social workers without making accusations. I want to stress that this is... Countrymouse said it well. You can have the situation reviewed by social workers without making accusations. I want to stress that this is not your fault. You don't need unearned guilt making you feel worse. But having a social work visit coincide with your own is an excellent idea.
Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Question
Sister is living and preying on Mom until she is broke. Any advice?
No need to feel guilty. You cannot ruin your life for your sister and family. If you could move your mom out of these circumstances, that... No need to feel guilty. You cannot ruin your life for your sister and family. If you could move your mom out of these circumstances, that would be good, but I'm not sure that you'll be able to. If you can't, don't let guilt ruin your life. And yes, call the police if you are threatened.
Please check back with us and let us know how you are handling this.
Carol see more
Please check back with us and let us know how you are handling this.
Carol see more
Question
What can cause a sudden gait change in parent with dementia?
Everyone has given good answers here. Fluid on the brain, a mini-stroke, a different kind of dementia (there can be more than one present),... Everyone has given good answers here. Fluid on the brain, a mini-stroke, a different kind of dementia (there can be more than one present), another infection - unfortunately the list is endless. I hope that the doctor can get to the bottom of this. In the end, your first hunch about the damage from the UTI and treatment may be the answer. Everything takes a toll on a frail elder, so often even after they are treated for an ailment they never fully recover.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Question
I was not notified that my dad took me off as Power Of Attorney. Should I have been notified in writing?
Hi Cher, I answered on your wall but will post here as well. I wish I could do more. Maybe some others can fill in if there's something... Hi Cher,
I answered on your wall but will post here as well. I wish I could do more. Maybe some others can fill in if there's something I left out:
Cher, I'm so sorry. This has to hurt horribly.
I'm afraid that the only thing you can do is talk with an attorney, preferably one who specializes in elder law. You could try talking to the attorney who did your dad's paperwork - he or she should have known that he wasn't competent to do this, but you may not get anywhere (client confidentiality). Then, you'd need someone else.
The main thing is that your dad really has shot himself in the foot but your mother is affected too. It takes a long time to go to court and prove them incompetent - money, as well. You may have to let them stumble along until they are in enough trouble for Social Services to step in.
Whatever you do or don't do, do not feel guilty. You've done so much and it may be all you can do for now.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
I answered on your wall but will post here as well. I wish I could do more. Maybe some others can fill in if there's something I left out:
Cher, I'm so sorry. This has to hurt horribly.
I'm afraid that the only thing you can do is talk with an attorney, preferably one who specializes in elder law. You could try talking to the attorney who did your dad's paperwork - he or she should have known that he wasn't competent to do this, but you may not get anywhere (client confidentiality). Then, you'd need someone else.
The main thing is that your dad really has shot himself in the foot but your mother is affected too. It takes a long time to go to court and prove them incompetent - money, as well. You may have to let them stumble along until they are in enough trouble for Social Services to step in.
Whatever you do or don't do, do not feel guilty. You've done so much and it may be all you can do for now.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Question
Am I justified to have some expectations for Mom?
It doesn't sound like your mother is so far into dementia that she can't at least answer your phone calls or even call you. Most... It doesn't sound like your mother is so far into dementia that she can't at least answer your phone calls or even call you. Most people get too many calls.
If she's always been this way I think you have to just accept that how she is. Rant all you want here. You'll have plenty of company plus much empathy and sympathy. No guilt allowed : )
One suggestion: Could you call someone at the AL and ask them to go tell you mother that you are trying to call. In that way, you'd know she is alright. Let the rest go and rant when you need to.
Take care of yourself. That's a must.
Carol see more
If she's always been this way I think you have to just accept that how she is. Rant all you want here. You'll have plenty of company plus much empathy and sympathy. No guilt allowed : )
One suggestion: Could you call someone at the AL and ask them to go tell you mother that you are trying to call. In that way, you'd know she is alright. Let the rest go and rant when you need to.
Take care of yourself. That's a must.
Carol see more
Question
Do I agree or don't agree with a dementia patient?
Fantastic advice, GardenArtist! Acknowledgement of the concern is important. That's showing respect which is critical. Validating their... Fantastic advice, GardenArtist! Acknowledgement of the concern is important. That's showing respect which is critical. Validating their thoughts is important, too. It's often a challenge to redirect but when the caregiver hits on the right thing, it's magic. Your idea about the kids catching the birds with a net is downright genius!
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
Do I agree or don't agree with a dementia patient?
I'd suggest that they check out the Remeron. It may be the right drug for some people but not for others. Side effects include: mood or... I'd suggest that they check out the Remeron. It may be the right drug for some people but not for others. Side effects include: mood or mental changes, including abnormal thinking. I wouldn't think that the doctor would object to weaning her from that drug and trying a different one. Sometimes that can make a huge difference.
As to whether or not you argue - try not to argue, but you already know that. You are doing a fantastic job just holding it together. This isn't a time when you can totally agree with her either. If agreeing with her is not an option, try distracting her.
If that won't work simply say that everyone is safe (if she's worried about birds flying around your home), or whatever you can say that's calming.
Sometimes we have to accept that all we can do is, well, accept. This is an awful thing to watch. I think the facility should be told not to call your for you mom at night. They can be firm and say that you are sleeping but will check in the morning. That's their job. Obviously, they'd call in an emergency.
I'm hoping that a med change may help some. The wrong meds can do the same things as a UTI. Either can make symptoms much worse.
Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.
Carol see more
As to whether or not you argue - try not to argue, but you already know that. You are doing a fantastic job just holding it together. This isn't a time when you can totally agree with her either. If agreeing with her is not an option, try distracting her.
If that won't work simply say that everyone is safe (if she's worried about birds flying around your home), or whatever you can say that's calming.
Sometimes we have to accept that all we can do is, well, accept. This is an awful thing to watch. I think the facility should be told not to call your for you mom at night. They can be firm and say that you are sleeping but will check in the morning. That's their job. Obviously, they'd call in an emergency.
I'm hoping that a med change may help some. The wrong meds can do the same things as a UTI. Either can make symptoms much worse.
Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.
Carol see more
Question
Would having a root canal done make Parkinson's symptoms worse?
It seems logical to me. It's possible that there's not a scientific explanation, but this procedure is a trauma for your husband... It seems logical to me. It's possible that there's not a scientific explanation, but this procedure is a trauma for your husband (and you, I might add). Trauma of any kind can kick in latent symptoms or make symptoms worse. You may want to talk with his neurologist and see if there's anything to make this easier.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I make a male client comfortable accepting my help when he refuses my help to shower?
This isn't unusual for either gender. One young CNA (male) told me that a woman in the nursing home would be so relieved to have him... This isn't unusual for either gender. One young CNA (male) told me that a woman in the nursing home would be so relieved to have him care for her because he was, unlike the other males, married. That seemed to make it less stressful. I'm not sure if this will work with you but if you're married you could talk about your husband enough so at least he understand that this isn't sexual.
I do know that my father-in-law hated having females give him baths or any intimate care. He allowed it but he hated it. That isn't unusual for the older generation. Modesty was important to both genders.
As long as he at least allows you to care for him you can keep working on the comfort level. He'll get used to it eventually.
Take care,
Carol see more
I do know that my father-in-law hated having females give him baths or any intimate care. He allowed it but he hated it. That isn't unusual for the older generation. Modesty was important to both genders.
As long as he at least allows you to care for him you can keep working on the comfort level. He'll get used to it eventually.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do I tell Mom she has to move from assisted living to more care facility?
Hi Grateful, Yes, that explains the Foley. What a shame! We can hope and pray that the other treatment works. If it doesn't and she has... Hi Grateful,
Yes, that explains the Foley. What a shame! We can hope and pray that the other treatment works. If it doesn't and she has to move, then you'll help her and she'll be okay. She's fortunate to have such a loving daughter and she knows it.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Yes, that explains the Foley. What a shame! We can hope and pray that the other treatment works. If it doesn't and she has to move, then you'll help her and she'll be okay. She's fortunate to have such a loving daughter and she knows it.
Please keep us posted,
Carol see more
Question
Is rejection normal?
If you mean that your parent or parents reject your help as a caregiver, I'd say that is not unusual. Some people prefer to get along... If you mean that your parent or parents reject your help as a caregiver, I'd say that is not unusual. Some people prefer to get along with the care they need. Others will accept care from strangers but not family. Whatever your circumstance, don't assume you are unloved.
You didn't give much information, so I'm going on conjecture. If your family has been dysfunctional, then this would be even more common. Please come back and let us know more.
Carol see more
You didn't give much information, so I'm going on conjecture. If your family has been dysfunctional, then this would be even more common. Please come back and let us know more.
Carol see more
Dad has beginning of what looks like bed sores, nursing home denies it. What should we do next?
There must be a dermatologist somewhere in your community where there is access. I'd have this diagnosed by someone not involved with the nursing home. Then, if it is a bedsore and they won't admit it, you can take it to your ombudsman at www.ltcombudsman.org. Type in the Zip code of the nursing home for your contact. This is your representative.
Good luck,
Carol see more