Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
My Dad's having weird behavior changes. What is going on?
Wonderful advice here. In situations like this people need to know their limits. No one can do what you’re doing day and night. Unless a... Wonderful advice here. In situations like this people need to know their limits. No one can do what you’re doing day and night. Unless a neurologist says that dementia isn't the cause and changes in medications and/or curing a bad infection changes things dramatically, I'd say that the comments here are right on. He needs to be evaluated and most likely placed in a care center. There is no reason to feel guilty.
By taking care of yourself you are taking care of him.
Carol see more
By taking care of yourself you are taking care of him.
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Question
My Dad's living in a SNF. His wife (#3) is arranging for all care. If she chooses, can she keep me from seei...
I doubt that she can keep you from seeing him without some legal reason. I'd contact the SNF and tell them that you will be moving... I doubt that she can keep you from seeing him without some legal reason. I'd contact the SNF and tell them that you will be moving closer so that you can see your dad often. Let them know that his current wife isn't friendly with you. They've seen this before and should have some advice for you if you need to take legal steps.
Good luck,
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Good luck,
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Question
How do you help a parent to understand the purpose of a POA?
I might add that an elder law attorney may be needed. Much depends on your father's cognitive capacity as well as his relationship with... I might add that an elder law attorney may be needed. Much depends on your father's cognitive capacity as well as his relationship with his wife. It's a complicated situation to say the least. Thanks everyone for your input!
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Question
How do you help a parent to understand the purpose of a POA?
His doctor may be able to tell him directly but maybe you've tried that. Does your dad have a friend or a spiritual leader who he... His doctor may be able to tell him directly but maybe you've tried that. Does your dad have a friend or a spiritual leader who he trusts? This person may break through your dad's resistance and help him understand that he needs your help to get back to Ohio and that means making you his Power Of Attorney.
Elders often hate giving up what they see as control of their finances because it seems like they are losing more control over their lives. So, an alternative may be that you tell him that this is his choice and you'll accept it, but that he is giving up a chance to go back to Ohio. He may actually go along with your idea - sort of reverse psychology.
If a friend, doctor, attorney or spiritual leader can't convince him to make you his POA, and telling him that he's making the choice doesn't help, you may have to give up, simply knowing that you've done your best. You are the good guy, so don't beat yourself up. Unless your dad can be proven incompetent in court, you won't be able to force him.
Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.
Carol see more
Elders often hate giving up what they see as control of their finances because it seems like they are losing more control over their lives. So, an alternative may be that you tell him that this is his choice and you'll accept it, but that he is giving up a chance to go back to Ohio. He may actually go along with your idea - sort of reverse psychology.
If a friend, doctor, attorney or spiritual leader can't convince him to make you his POA, and telling him that he's making the choice doesn't help, you may have to give up, simply knowing that you've done your best. You are the good guy, so don't beat yourself up. Unless your dad can be proven incompetent in court, you won't be able to force him.
Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.
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Question
How to handle agitation/are we nearing the end?
Please contact hospice right away. They can help your dad be more comfortable and help you emotionally. You may have to have his doctor... Please contact hospice right away. They can help your dad be more comfortable and help you emotionally. You may have to have his doctor give a determination of life expectancy but it certainly seems to me that your dad qualifies. Call today!
Take care of yourself, too.
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Take care of yourself, too.
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Question
Can my family refuse any further medical aid for my Mom (88) who has Alzheimer's and a bad heart?
Yes you can if you believe that it is her wish not to die in a hospital. I'd contact hospice and get them in on this. They will help... Yes you can if you believe that it is her wish not to die in a hospital. I'd contact hospice and get them in on this. They will help keep her comfortable and can give you advice. It's hard to do this alone.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
What's the future for fulltime caregivers?
Working from home is something most caregivers (who need the money) would give nearly anything for. It's still not easy to be a... Working from home is something most caregivers (who need the money) would give nearly anything for. It's still not easy to be a caregiver and keep up working, but it can be easier than going out. Because this is such a big issue, watch for scams. Scammers know where the needs are.
One thing I can suggest if you have tech skills at all - become a virtual assistant. Many small business people can't afford to hire anyone but they need help with anything from social networking to posting on blogs to record keeping. Search out "virtual assistant" on the Internet and you'll find some organizations you can join to learn the ropes.You'll likely need to be bonded as you'd have passwords and other sensitive data to do your work. I think they make about $15 an hour but that may have increased lately.
Good luck,
Carol see more
One thing I can suggest if you have tech skills at all - become a virtual assistant. Many small business people can't afford to hire anyone but they need help with anything from social networking to posting on blogs to record keeping. Search out "virtual assistant" on the Internet and you'll find some organizations you can join to learn the ropes.You'll likely need to be bonded as you'd have passwords and other sensitive data to do your work. I think they make about $15 an hour but that may have increased lately.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What can I do with a person with advanced dementia?
Of course you're sad! You've gotten good advice from the community. Don't walk away because you'll regret it later. But do... Of course you're sad! You've gotten good advice from the community. Don't walk away because you'll regret it later. But do give yourself some slack.
As previously mentioned, shorter visits are okay. Give her affection, touch and the sound of your voice. Bring a treat if she still likes some special foods. She can't show her appreciation and you see her slowly drifting away - that's the ugly nature of the disease.
Acceptance is key. This is not how you want things but it is how it is for now. You can't change that. You are in constant grief and need to give yourself days off and respect for all that you do. If you have a spiritual leader you may get some comfort there or even from a paid counselor who will encourage you to take care of yourself.
Please keep in touch with us because people here understand. They know what you are feeling and how very, very hard it is. No guilt allowed about how you feel - okay? You are doing just the right things. Just do less when you need to.
We're with you,
Carol see more
As previously mentioned, shorter visits are okay. Give her affection, touch and the sound of your voice. Bring a treat if she still likes some special foods. She can't show her appreciation and you see her slowly drifting away - that's the ugly nature of the disease.
Acceptance is key. This is not how you want things but it is how it is for now. You can't change that. You are in constant grief and need to give yourself days off and respect for all that you do. If you have a spiritual leader you may get some comfort there or even from a paid counselor who will encourage you to take care of yourself.
Please keep in touch with us because people here understand. They know what you are feeling and how very, very hard it is. No guilt allowed about how you feel - okay? You are doing just the right things. Just do less when you need to.
We're with you,
Carol see more
Question
How do you pay for Alzheimer’s memory care?”
Minnesota is one terrific state for taking care of its own. I live right on the border and have a lot of "border envy." I wish... Minnesota is one terrific state for taking care of its own. I live right on the border and have a lot of "border envy." I wish all states would be as generous - am hoping that Washington is one of them.
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Question
Is it Parkinson's?
The only way to know if you have Parkinson's is to see a doctor, likely a neurologist. Many things can cause twitching including... The only way to know if you have Parkinson's is to see a doctor, likely a neurologist. Many things can cause twitching including medications that you may be taking. Please see a doctor and bring all medication bottles with you so that he or she can get a full picture of your health. This includes over-the-counter medications and supplements. Let us know how you are doing when you can. We are here to listen and give support.
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Question
Elderly Mom is seeing things. Any suggestions?
It sounds as if your mother has dementia unless she is taking medications that have dementia like side effects or she has an infection that... It sounds as if your mother has dementia unless she is taking medications that have dementia like side effects or she has an infection that is causing these issues.
You seem to be afraid that your mom will be upset if you contact an agency because it may get your brother in trouble. Have you had a good, non-intimidating talk with your brother? In other words, have you discussed your mom's symptoms without blaming him and suggested that you work together to get her into a doctor? It could be that he just doesn't know what to do. If your brother is deliberately keeping your mom from getting the care she needs, then you shouldn't worry about what your mom thinks. Call Adult Protective Services and ask for a welfare check.
Please let us know how things progress.
Take care,
Carol see more
You seem to be afraid that your mom will be upset if you contact an agency because it may get your brother in trouble. Have you had a good, non-intimidating talk with your brother? In other words, have you discussed your mom's symptoms without blaming him and suggested that you work together to get her into a doctor? It could be that he just doesn't know what to do. If your brother is deliberately keeping your mom from getting the care she needs, then you shouldn't worry about what your mom thinks. Call Adult Protective Services and ask for a welfare check.
Please let us know how things progress.
Take care,
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Question
How do you know if you've found the right place?
Bless you both! As caregivers we do our best but we will - no doubt about it - we will make mistakes. Likely, no one else could have done... Bless you both! As caregivers we do our best but we will - no doubt about it - we will make mistakes. Likely, no one else could have done better, but even if we think it was something that, had we been more educated about the situation, we would not have done, we have to realize that what is in the past stays in the past. We learn and move forward.
I agree that there's a difference about walking out of a nursing home in anger or wandering because of dementia, but either is dangerous. It seems to me that if the place where missmel's mother is miserable is really not good, a switch is in order. We can't be afraid to make changes when necessary and we'll never have guarantees that we are right. Remember - we can only do the best with what we know at the time. From what you've said missmel, I'd move her. That's simply my opinion from afar. We wish you well and are with you in our hearts.
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I agree that there's a difference about walking out of a nursing home in anger or wandering because of dementia, but either is dangerous. It seems to me that if the place where missmel's mother is miserable is really not good, a switch is in order. We can't be afraid to make changes when necessary and we'll never have guarantees that we are right. Remember - we can only do the best with what we know at the time. From what you've said missmel, I'd move her. That's simply my opinion from afar. We wish you well and are with you in our hearts.
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Question
I have a motorized stairlift I would like to donate to a veteran in CT. How do I do this?
Great idea, GoldenArtist. This is such a smart and varied community so we all can keep learning.
Carol
Carol
Question
I have a motorized stairlift I would like to donate to a veteran in CT. How do I do this?
I'd call the Veterans Representative and see if you can find someone. Otherwise, call the VFW or American Legion or some other Veterans... I'd call the Veterans Representative and see if you can find someone. Otherwise, call the VFW or American Legion or some other Veterans organization. This is a find thing to do and they should be able to help you find someone who needs this.
Take care,
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Take care,
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Question
How do we get our Mom to stop driving others around and driving at night?
Her opthamolgist may be able to convince her that she is putting others at risk since her eyes are deteriorating. Many people take the news... Her opthamolgist may be able to convince her that she is putting others at risk since her eyes are deteriorating. Many people take the news about eyesight failure better than memory problems. That's still part of the stigma attached to dementia (which she may not have).
If the eye doctor can't convince her to limit driving, then write a note to her regualr doctor and explain your concerns. He or she may be able to help. If she doesn't see a gerontologist, try to get her to see one. People often take news like this better from someone who isn't family.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If the eye doctor can't convince her to limit driving, then write a note to her regualr doctor and explain your concerns. He or she may be able to help. If she doesn't see a gerontologist, try to get her to see one. People often take news like this better from someone who isn't family.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
MERP in Texas. Any advice?
This is the link to the most frequently asked questions for MERP in Texas. http://www.dads.state.tx.us/services/estate_recovery/faqs.html... This is the link to the most frequently asked questions for MERP in Texas.
http://www.dads.state.tx.us/services/estate_recovery/faqs.html
You can also go to the Texas Department of Aging and Disability.
Best of luck,
Carol see more
http://www.dads.state.tx.us/services/estate_recovery/faqs.html
You can also go to the Texas Department of Aging and Disability.
Best of luck,
Carol see more
Question
How to handle outbursts in public?
Wonderful insights and suggestions for this amazing group! Keep them coming. Every one of you has added something valuable.
Carol
Carol
Question
How to handle outbursts in public?
What a wise and perceptive hairdresser that was to treat your mother like she did! She deserved her tip and then some. When I first read... What a wise and perceptive hairdresser that was to treat your mother like she did! She deserved her tip and then some.
When I first read your question I wondered if you mom had agoraphobia (afraid of leaving the house). This is still a possibility, but considering that the hair salon seemed to be where she had the outburst, there seems to be more to it.
I agree with Sandwich42. If your mom hasn't been seen by a neurologist to see if she has dementia, this needs to be done. Sometimes dementia symptoms can be the result of infections or medication interactions so everything needs to be examined just in case.
I do agree that taking people with dementia out can be either good or not so good depending on their personality and their stage of dementia, if that's the problem. For many, a trip out can be invigorating as long as they aren't over stimulated. However, routine and familiar surroundings are very important to many, so going out of the house can cause extreme agitation.
It's very hard when people fight having their hair done. Your mom may not like the touching that is involved or if she gets a shampoo she may be afraid of the water. She may not understand what the scissors are for. Most outbursts are based on fear or confusion.
Getting to the bottom of what is wrong is just a first step. If she has dementia, then try to become as educated as you can about how to cope with it.
Please keep coming back to this community. There are many wise caregivers and professionals who can offer not only advice and tips but community and comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
When I first read your question I wondered if you mom had agoraphobia (afraid of leaving the house). This is still a possibility, but considering that the hair salon seemed to be where she had the outburst, there seems to be more to it.
I agree with Sandwich42. If your mom hasn't been seen by a neurologist to see if she has dementia, this needs to be done. Sometimes dementia symptoms can be the result of infections or medication interactions so everything needs to be examined just in case.
I do agree that taking people with dementia out can be either good or not so good depending on their personality and their stage of dementia, if that's the problem. For many, a trip out can be invigorating as long as they aren't over stimulated. However, routine and familiar surroundings are very important to many, so going out of the house can cause extreme agitation.
It's very hard when people fight having their hair done. Your mom may not like the touching that is involved or if she gets a shampoo she may be afraid of the water. She may not understand what the scissors are for. Most outbursts are based on fear or confusion.
Getting to the bottom of what is wrong is just a first step. If she has dementia, then try to become as educated as you can about how to cope with it.
Please keep coming back to this community. There are many wise caregivers and professionals who can offer not only advice and tips but community and comfort.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Can healthcare POA sign assisted living contract without financial POA consent?
I'm not an expert on this so watch for more input from the community but my feeling is that no, you'd have to have the financial... I'm not an expert on this so watch for more input from the community but my feeling is that no, you'd have to have the financial POA.
In some states, Medicaid will pay for assisted living - under certain circumstances - but in many it will not, so even if the person in assisted living is on Medicaid, likely private money would pay the bill. I'd suggest that you get this all ironed out before you move anyone to AL. Good luck,
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In some states, Medicaid will pay for assisted living - under certain circumstances - but in many it will not, so even if the person in assisted living is on Medicaid, likely private money would pay the bill. I'd suggest that you get this all ironed out before you move anyone to AL. Good luck,
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How do I tell Mom she has to move from assisted living to more care facility?
I agree that since your mom is on hospice care, it would be best not to move her if possible. This is especially true since she is so content. I'm somewhat surprised that hospice nurses can't handle a Foley since many people learn to handle the hygiene part themselves. Could you hire a nurse from an in-home care center to supplement the care that hospice can provide? Most hospices work well with nursing home staff so I don't know why an in-home nursing coming on a schedule they coordinate would be a problem.
Not all in-home agencies have people qualified to handle medical issues so you may have to call around. I do hope that you can make this work out.
I'd like to add, however, that if you can't keep her where she is and must move her, don't let guilt eat you up. We have to do what we have to do. You'll be with your mom in all the ways that matter. If she must be moved to a skill nursing home, hospice is available there, too, and you'll also continue to be her advocate and loving daughter.
Please let us know how this works out.
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