Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Assisted living facility permanently locked closet doors for all residents. Mom's not aggressive shouldn't she...
I think that an across the board decision like this is out of line. Except for unusual circumstances, people should be able to access their... I think that an across the board decision like this is out of line. Except for unusual circumstances, people should be able to access their closets. This is supposed to be their home.
I'd talk with the administrator and ask that exceptions be made. Remind the person that getting dressed or even picking out clothes is part of the activities of daily living.
Good luck and please let us know how this turns out.
Carol see more
I'd talk with the administrator and ask that exceptions be made. Remind the person that getting dressed or even picking out clothes is part of the activities of daily living.
Good luck and please let us know how this turns out.
Carol see more
Question
Paying family members for caregiving. Any advice?
Hi Jeff, This is not an unusual situation. You could write up a contract and have everyone sign that this was a care expense (having it... Hi Jeff,
This is not an unusual situation. You could write up a contract and have everyone sign that this was a care expense (having it notarized) but it may or may not be legal in the end. Other than an by using a qualified attorney, I'm not sure how you can guarantee that it will be. However, as you suggested, a social worker may know of a form that you can use or have other suggestions.
While in the end you may not be able to go back, you could pay this and hope that Medicaid would accept this as an explanation down the road. But be prepared to pay it back if they don't.
You sound wonderful and clear headed so I know that you'll consider these expenses in the future, anyway. It's simply too bad that your sister expects to be paid since your aren't being paid for what you do.
Please let us know how you handle this. We're always interested in answers that may help another member of the community.
Take care,
Carol see more
This is not an unusual situation. You could write up a contract and have everyone sign that this was a care expense (having it notarized) but it may or may not be legal in the end. Other than an by using a qualified attorney, I'm not sure how you can guarantee that it will be. However, as you suggested, a social worker may know of a form that you can use or have other suggestions.
While in the end you may not be able to go back, you could pay this and hope that Medicaid would accept this as an explanation down the road. But be prepared to pay it back if they don't.
You sound wonderful and clear headed so I know that you'll consider these expenses in the future, anyway. It's simply too bad that your sister expects to be paid since your aren't being paid for what you do.
Please let us know how you handle this. We're always interested in answers that may help another member of the community.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Paying family members for caregiving. Any advice?
I'm sorry that the answer above didn't quite address your question. I'd answered a similar question and unfortunately that... I'm sorry that the answer above didn't quite address your question. I'd answered a similar question and unfortunately that answer copied rather than the one addressed to you. Still, the information may be useful to you in your situation since is comes down to the same thing - a contract.
Your specific question about paying back your sister could be done with a contract, I'd think. Specify what the money is for and why it was paid out for your mother's care. You should at least have it notarized. If you want to be very safe, see an attorney and have it done that way. Yes, it will cost a little, but it could be worth it for your peace of mind.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your specific question about paying back your sister could be done with a contract, I'd think. Specify what the money is for and why it was paid out for your mother's care. You should at least have it notarized. If you want to be very safe, see an attorney and have it done that way. Yes, it will cost a little, but it could be worth it for your peace of mind.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Paying family members for caregiving. Any advice?
If your mom is on Medicaid, which is likely if she's on disability, you could see if Medicaid will pay you a stipend for some care.... If your mom is on Medicaid, which is likely if she's on disability, you could see if Medicaid will pay you a stipend for some care. State's vary on their rules for Medicaid so you'll have to check locally. The amount isn't likely to be as much as a full-time job but it would help.
Otherwise, if your mother has some assets, you could draw up a contract between the two of you and have it notarized, or see an estate or elder law attorney to have a contract drawn up. You want to do this legally so that if your mom does go on Medicaid they won't come after you for the money paid out. Since states can be so different, I'd strongly suggest going through an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Otherwise, if your mother has some assets, you could draw up a contract between the two of you and have it notarized, or see an estate or elder law attorney to have a contract drawn up. You want to do this legally so that if your mom does go on Medicaid they won't come after you for the money paid out. Since states can be so different, I'd strongly suggest going through an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Can I be compensated for taking care of my disabled elderly Mom in my home?
If your mom is on Medicaid, which is likely if she's on disability, you could see if Medicaid will pay you a stipend for some care.... If your mom is on Medicaid, which is likely if she's on disability, you could see if Medicaid will pay you a stipend for some care. State's vary on their rules for Medicaid so you'll have to check locally. The amount isn't likely to be as much as a full-time job but it would help.
Otherwise, if your mother has some assets, you could draw up a contract between the two of you and have it notarized, or see an estate or elder law attorney to have a contract drawn up. You want to do this legally so that if your mom does go on Medicaid they won't come after you for the money paid out. Since states can be so different, I'd strongly suggest going through an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Otherwise, if your mother has some assets, you could draw up a contract between the two of you and have it notarized, or see an estate or elder law attorney to have a contract drawn up. You want to do this legally so that if your mom does go on Medicaid they won't come after you for the money paid out. Since states can be so different, I'd strongly suggest going through an attorney who knows your state Medicaid laws.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Are there facilities that will pick up elder from home to take to activities in San Antonio?
I don't know about San Antonio, but most adult day care facilities have a bus that picks up the people who need transportation. I'd... I don't know about San Antonio, but most adult day care facilities have a bus that picks up the people who need transportation. I'd contact the individual ADCs and ask them. Some may have the service and others may not.
Also, many communities have a senior ride service. You can go through the San Antonio Senior Commission or find something similar and they should be able to guide you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Also, many communities have a senior ride service. You can go through the San Antonio Senior Commission or find something similar and they should be able to guide you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Patient with dementia has a new physical problem everyday. How do I handle this?
Dementia can make people obsess over every little thing. The fact that he forgets later is because of his dementia. I don't think... Dementia can make people obsess over every little thing. The fact that he forgets later is because of his dementia. I don't think he's trying to make things difficult for you. His brain is steadily being destroyed by the disease.
I agree with Pam in that some of these things are just aging issues which you can put off a bit and then see if he continues to complain over time.
You might want to look into adult day care for him. If he's better occupied, he may not find as many issues to complain about. That would give you time to do your health care routines, too.
It's never easy to know what health complaints need attention and what smaller issue you can let go. But diversion could help.
We would love to have your keep us informed on your life and how this is going for you.
Continue to take care of yourself - get help if needed.
Carol see more
I agree with Pam in that some of these things are just aging issues which you can put off a bit and then see if he continues to complain over time.
You might want to look into adult day care for him. If he's better occupied, he may not find as many issues to complain about. That would give you time to do your health care routines, too.
It's never easy to know what health complaints need attention and what smaller issue you can let go. But diversion could help.
We would love to have your keep us informed on your life and how this is going for you.
Continue to take care of yourself - get help if needed.
Carol see more
Question
My Dad is starting to weep a lot and is very emotional. Any advice?
He could be having mini-strokes. People who have had strokes will often cry for any reason, so maybe he should have a checkup. Of course,... He could be having mini-strokes. People who have had strokes will often cry for any reason, so maybe he should have a checkup. Of course, he could be lonely and that is starting to show with his emotions. However, please have him checked out. Even a mild stroke can cause symptoms.
The biggest thing is to show loving care, of course. But if he has had a stroke, they may put him on medications to try to avoid more.
Please let us know how he - and you - are doing.
Carol see more
The biggest thing is to show loving care, of course. But if he has had a stroke, they may put him on medications to try to avoid more.
Please let us know how he - and you - are doing.
Carol see more
Question
What do I say to my MIL when she refuses to wash?
It sounds like your mother-in-law may have developed dementia symptoms. Having her diagnosed may not help this situation, but it may help... It sounds like your mother-in-law may have developed dementia symptoms. Having her diagnosed may not help this situation, but it may help you and family better understand why she is acting this way.
If she is cognitively healthy and just spoiled as you indicate, then a tougher approach may be needed. Either way, if your family finds her behavior so disgusting that they don't want to visit, you may have to find another way to have her cared for. I do feel a visit to a neurologist is in order to determine what's going on.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If she is cognitively healthy and just spoiled as you indicate, then a tougher approach may be needed. Either way, if your family finds her behavior so disgusting that they don't want to visit, you may have to find another way to have her cared for. I do feel a visit to a neurologist is in order to determine what's going on.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
When do I intervene and help?
Everyone has given helpful answers. Proceed with caution because you don't want to do things for her that she can do for herself.... Everyone has given helpful answers. Proceed with caution because you don't want to do things for her that she can do for herself. However, if she's confused, you may want to give her a little help and let her finish. Balance. That's the key.
You do want to be prepared to move into providing more help in the future in whatever form will be needed so make sure the legal papers such POA for both health and finances plus any other legal papers your mother's estate attorney may suggest are in place.
You seem to have excellent instincts. Please let us know how you are doing and keep tapping into this wonderful community for experienced comments, suggestions, advice and sympathy.
Remember to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
You do want to be prepared to move into providing more help in the future in whatever form will be needed so make sure the legal papers such POA for both health and finances plus any other legal papers your mother's estate attorney may suggest are in place.
You seem to have excellent instincts. Please let us know how you are doing and keep tapping into this wonderful community for experienced comments, suggestions, advice and sympathy.
Remember to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol see more
Question
Is there a difference between coconut oil and coconut water?
They are different. Coconut water has a sweet, nutty taste and contains easily digested carbohydrate in the form of sugar and... They are different. Coconut water has a sweet, nutty taste and contains easily digested carbohydrate in the form of sugar and electrolytes.coconut water is a clear liquid in the fruit’s center that is tapped from young, green coconuts. Coconut oil has a saturated fat called lauric acid, a type of MCT. It's been shown in some studies that lauric acid increases the good HDL cholesterol in the blood to help improve cholesterol ratio levels. So, which one is the one for you? Depends on the results you are looking for.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Nursing home roommate assignment. Any advice?
My mother-in-law thrived after her move to the nursing home but roommates were always a problem. Her issues were just her issues (she... My mother-in-law thrived after her move to the nursing home but roommates were always a problem. Her issues were just her issues (she thought one large woman was a man).
I know that facilities have a lot of challenges when it comes to roommates and not getting along is an ongoing issue, but this situation is different than personality clashes.
Your mother has to put up with too much and this could contribute to her decline. I agree that something needs to be done. They either need to help this other poor woman get rest with some sedation or else your mom or the other woman needs be moved.
You'll have to stand firm on this to get them to do something. See if her doctor will back you up. If you can’t get action you could see if the long-term care ombudsman can help you. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This contact is your representative. If you can show that your mother's health is threatened by the situation they may be able to assist you. They are trained in solving problems for residents.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I know that facilities have a lot of challenges when it comes to roommates and not getting along is an ongoing issue, but this situation is different than personality clashes.
Your mother has to put up with too much and this could contribute to her decline. I agree that something needs to be done. They either need to help this other poor woman get rest with some sedation or else your mom or the other woman needs be moved.
You'll have to stand firm on this to get them to do something. See if her doctor will back you up. If you can’t get action you could see if the long-term care ombudsman can help you. Go to ltcombudsman.org and type in the Zip code of the nursing home. This contact is your representative. If you can show that your mother's health is threatened by the situation they may be able to assist you. They are trained in solving problems for residents.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Since Dad died, Mom's okay during the day, but very lonely at night. Any advice?
Your mom's grief and loneliness at night is something that no one can cure. During the day she probably stays busy, but having lost the... Your mom's grief and loneliness at night is something that no one can cure. During the day she probably stays busy, but having lost the person she slept next to for decades - well, who can fix that? Don't feel guilty that you can't.
If she has a faith community she an take advantage of that, or as suggested, making new friends at a senior center, library or whatever suits her interests. Volunteering is often a big help.
A grief support group or even a grief therapist could help, as well, if she wants it, but some things no one can fix. She'll have to find her way. Just keep supporting her the way you are and listen if she wants to talk. You are doing all you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
If she has a faith community she an take advantage of that, or as suggested, making new friends at a senior center, library or whatever suits her interests. Volunteering is often a big help.
A grief support group or even a grief therapist could help, as well, if she wants it, but some things no one can fix. She'll have to find her way. Just keep supporting her the way you are and listen if she wants to talk. You are doing all you can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
My Dad thinks the mirror is another person. Any advice?
Short term this is good and I should have said that. I agree with Freqflyer - as long as he's not afraid of the image in the mirror... Short term this is good and I should have said that. I agree with Freqflyer - as long as he's not afraid of the image in the mirror just agree with him. If people become afraid - and they often do - then usually mirrors need to be covered when possible.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Dad thinks the mirror is another person. Any advice?
You are amazing and so is your English. I'm so glad that you asked this question. When someone with Alzheimer's gets to a certain... You are amazing and so is your English. I'm so glad that you asked this question.
When someone with Alzheimer's gets to a certain stage they no longer remember themselves as they are. They feel younger - with time even like a teenager or a child, so they don’t recognize that “old person” in the mirror. That's also why they don't remember a spouse - they may remember the person they married as a young person and this person is no longer young (even though your dad is likely not that old, either).
Mirrors show them strangers. Often they think it's an intruder. Since the family is trying to be logical and assure him that he's looking at himself, he's making up excuses. Unfortunately, he can no longer be logical. Your family may want to read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
I would also suggest that they look Agingcare.com over carefully for more help. For your sake and your family's go to the Alzheimer's Association website www.alz.org and learn all about Alzheimer's disease. They also offer a lot of support. There is a teen support group on that site and also on the Alzheimer's Foundation of America site at www.Alzfdn.org.
The Alzheimer's Foundation's brain tour at http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_4719.asp?_ga=1.187594664.1832356634.1400765255 will give you and your parents a very graphic idea of what is happening to your dad. It can be looked at in several languages.
Education is essential to handle someone with Alzheimer's disease. Your dad can't help what is happening. His brain is being eaten up by this disease. It's heart breaking and will put you all through many trials. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
When someone with Alzheimer's gets to a certain stage they no longer remember themselves as they are. They feel younger - with time even like a teenager or a child, so they don’t recognize that “old person” in the mirror. That's also why they don't remember a spouse - they may remember the person they married as a young person and this person is no longer young (even though your dad is likely not that old, either).
Mirrors show them strangers. Often they think it's an intruder. Since the family is trying to be logical and assure him that he's looking at himself, he's making up excuses. Unfortunately, he can no longer be logical. Your family may want to read this article:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
I would also suggest that they look Agingcare.com over carefully for more help. For your sake and your family's go to the Alzheimer's Association website www.alz.org and learn all about Alzheimer's disease. They also offer a lot of support. There is a teen support group on that site and also on the Alzheimer's Foundation of America site at www.Alzfdn.org.
The Alzheimer's Foundation's brain tour at http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_4719.asp?_ga=1.187594664.1832356634.1400765255 will give you and your parents a very graphic idea of what is happening to your dad. It can be looked at in several languages.
Education is essential to handle someone with Alzheimer's disease. Your dad can't help what is happening. His brain is being eaten up by this disease. It's heart breaking and will put you all through many trials. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Nursing home guilt or a real reason for concern?
Yes, nursing home guilt is an issue and yes, adjustment time is needed. But when we use the help of a facility we should be treated as part... Yes, nursing home guilt is an issue and yes, adjustment time is needed. But when we use the help of a facility we should be treated as part of the care team. While the nurses may give the meds and the CNAs may do the heavy lifting, family members are often the ones who do many of the small things plus a considerable amount of the bigger things that make the resident's life worth living. Being on call for emergencies and structuring our lives around our loved one in a facility is caregiving.
Normally, I'd say this time for your mom is just an adjustment period but I don't like the patronizing way your concerns about medications were addressed (or not addressed) by the nurse. Medications need to be given in a timely manner. I also don’t like the fact that her issues point to the same things that she’s had in the past and these issues are being ignored.
This paragraph you wrote concerns me and should concern the nursing staff:
"But for the past week and a half, my mother has deteriorated rapidly. Her first few days there, we noticed an improvement. But I went in one day last week and found her mental status altered. She was way more confused than usual, and she's talking all sorts of weird stuff. What this looks like to me is her past pattern of UTI/dehydration, which landed her in the hospital three times in the past two years. She is also collecting fluid in her feet and hands, and having some trouble with breathing."
If they don't listen and take action to make sure that your mom is tested for a UTI, then I'd suggest that you talk to the administrator. Many nursing homes are outstanding, most are average, but some are very poor. That's why family members need to be advocates. Not adversaries, but advocates.
If you truly feel that your mom's needs aren't addressed even after you've tried everything, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the nursing home Zip code. Contact the person listed. He or she is your representative. I'm hoping that you won't have to go this far, but I wanted you to have this information for reference.
Please keep us posted on how things are going as you move through the system. You're going through the toughest part of facility care issues - trying to figure out if they are doing the right thing or not.
Try to take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Normally, I'd say this time for your mom is just an adjustment period but I don't like the patronizing way your concerns about medications were addressed (or not addressed) by the nurse. Medications need to be given in a timely manner. I also don’t like the fact that her issues point to the same things that she’s had in the past and these issues are being ignored.
This paragraph you wrote concerns me and should concern the nursing staff:
"But for the past week and a half, my mother has deteriorated rapidly. Her first few days there, we noticed an improvement. But I went in one day last week and found her mental status altered. She was way more confused than usual, and she's talking all sorts of weird stuff. What this looks like to me is her past pattern of UTI/dehydration, which landed her in the hospital three times in the past two years. She is also collecting fluid in her feet and hands, and having some trouble with breathing."
If they don't listen and take action to make sure that your mom is tested for a UTI, then I'd suggest that you talk to the administrator. Many nursing homes are outstanding, most are average, but some are very poor. That's why family members need to be advocates. Not adversaries, but advocates.
If you truly feel that your mom's needs aren't addressed even after you've tried everything, go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the nursing home Zip code. Contact the person listed. He or she is your representative. I'm hoping that you won't have to go this far, but I wanted you to have this information for reference.
Please keep us posted on how things are going as you move through the system. You're going through the toughest part of facility care issues - trying to figure out if they are doing the right thing or not.
Try to take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Why is ALS not discussed in health conditions?
I can't think of a more heartbreaking situation than yours. To me, your developing ALS after years of caregiving points directly to the... I can't think of a more heartbreaking situation than yours. To me, your developing ALS after years of caregiving points directly to the toll caregiving can take on the caregiver's immune system. Many caregivers face rheumatoid arthritis, MS or other immune diseases themselves. Sadly, you have been struck with one of the toughest diseases anyone can have. I hope that you have a good support system and also that we can lend support to you.
You gave so much of yourself as a caregiver and now you need care. It's got to be difficult to accept. I'm sure that you've contacted the ALS people and looked at their site at alsa.org.
I'm sorry if you felt a sense of rejection when you contacted the site since that isn't at all what I, or anyone else, meant. You wondered why ALS wasn't discussed more on the site and I wanted to explain that the site tends to lean where the readers take it. I failed to understand that what brought you to the site itself was that you’ve been a caregiver and that you are not a young person, either. You are now guiding us along with ALS.
Please check in with us often to let us know your caregiving story and your feelings about being a care receiver. We would love to hear updates on how you’re feeling in general, as well. You can help others with your story and we hope to help you in any way we can.
Take care,
Carol see more
You gave so much of yourself as a caregiver and now you need care. It's got to be difficult to accept. I'm sure that you've contacted the ALS people and looked at their site at alsa.org.
I'm sorry if you felt a sense of rejection when you contacted the site since that isn't at all what I, or anyone else, meant. You wondered why ALS wasn't discussed more on the site and I wanted to explain that the site tends to lean where the readers take it. I failed to understand that what brought you to the site itself was that you’ve been a caregiver and that you are not a young person, either. You are now guiding us along with ALS.
Please check in with us often to let us know your caregiving story and your feelings about being a care receiver. We would love to hear updates on how you’re feeling in general, as well. You can help others with your story and we hope to help you in any way we can.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How can I get my husband to give up driving?
If doctors and law enforcement don't cooperate (and DMV) it's far worse for the family. I can't understand why they won't.... If doctors and law enforcement don't cooperate (and DMV) it's far worse for the family. I can't understand why they won't. It's not age that's the problem (in most cases) but cognition. One can't reason with someone who has dementia, so families need support for this very common problem. It's up to doctors to help with that. I, too, have heard where some don't want to get involved. Hard to believe.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
How to respond to a grownchild's negative statements?
I agree that an outside party is needed here. The doctor may be able to set this up. If not, other social service agencies may have someone... I agree that an outside party is needed here. The doctor may be able to set this up. If not, other social service agencies may have someone who can do an evaluation. Is the son the Power Of Attorney? He sounds quite controlling, though he may just be unsure of himself. Whatever the reason, it seems like they do need some guidance.
Keep checking back for feedback from the community. There are many wise people with ideas.
Carol see more
Keep checking back for feedback from the community. There are many wise people with ideas.
Carol see more
Paying family members for caregiving. Any advice?
Good luck,
Carol see more