Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
How can I get my husband to give up driving?
Driving is one of the stickiest issue for our aging parents. Men, particularly, seem to think their identity is tied to driving,so... Driving is one of the stickiest issue for our aging parents. Men, particularly, seem to think their identity is tied to driving,so convincing them to quit is hard.
Generally, it's best to do what has been suggested. Approach the doctor first and ask that he or she send a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever your state calls the driver's license department) a copy to your husband saying that he needs to quit driving due to his health problems. The letter needs to specify the disease (Alzheimer's) and how the stages are progressing. You and your husband should also receive a copy.
I've heard from people that some states aren't responsive to this approach which appalls me. Families need to be backed up by the people who enforce laws. I believe, however, that in most instances you will get the backing that you need.
You'll still have a battle because your husband is likely to say they are wrong and try to drive anyway. I wish I could tell you that with steps a, b, and c the problem will go away, but it won't.
Just an example: My dad voluntarily gave up driving because of poor eye sight which was before the surgery that caused dementia. After dementia set in, he insisted he could drive and went through frustrating stages where he fought the restraint of not driving even though he could barely control his feet to walk with a walker and his eyes had grown much dimmer. It was a survival thing, I think. He'd lost so much and was reaching back into his brain for something affirmative. So horribly sad, but that's how it goes sometimes.
Blessings, my friend. I hope you get the support you need. Stay strong on this. Logic won't likely work for your husband, but you know that he could run down a child or worse. There's not much wiggle room here.
Carol see more
Generally, it's best to do what has been suggested. Approach the doctor first and ask that he or she send a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever your state calls the driver's license department) a copy to your husband saying that he needs to quit driving due to his health problems. The letter needs to specify the disease (Alzheimer's) and how the stages are progressing. You and your husband should also receive a copy.
I've heard from people that some states aren't responsive to this approach which appalls me. Families need to be backed up by the people who enforce laws. I believe, however, that in most instances you will get the backing that you need.
You'll still have a battle because your husband is likely to say they are wrong and try to drive anyway. I wish I could tell you that with steps a, b, and c the problem will go away, but it won't.
Just an example: My dad voluntarily gave up driving because of poor eye sight which was before the surgery that caused dementia. After dementia set in, he insisted he could drive and went through frustrating stages where he fought the restraint of not driving even though he could barely control his feet to walk with a walker and his eyes had grown much dimmer. It was a survival thing, I think. He'd lost so much and was reaching back into his brain for something affirmative. So horribly sad, but that's how it goes sometimes.
Blessings, my friend. I hope you get the support you need. Stay strong on this. Logic won't likely work for your husband, but you know that he could run down a child or worse. There's not much wiggle room here.
Carol see more
Question
What can I say to convince my husband (70) that I'm the one that he married?
Sadly, you likely won't be able to convince him because he remembers marrying a young woman who doesn't look like you. This sounds... Sadly, you likely won't be able to convince him because he remembers marrying a young woman who doesn't look like you. This sounds more like Alzheimer's behavior but I would imagine this could happen with nearly any type of dementia.
While this situation is quite common and emotionally heartbreaking for the significant number of people who must cope with it, it's more rare to see where there could be legal problems. I'd see an elder law attorney, bringing your documents and maybe your children along.
Ask if you can do something short of the long process of guardianship to protect yourself. I'm sure his doctor would say he can't make decisions but you may need more legal protection. As Pam says, you may need to go as far as going to court for guardianship, but an attorney can advise you.
Please let us know how you are doing as you progress. We're not new to these issues and will be thinking of you.
Carol see more
While this situation is quite common and emotionally heartbreaking for the significant number of people who must cope with it, it's more rare to see where there could be legal problems. I'd see an elder law attorney, bringing your documents and maybe your children along.
Ask if you can do something short of the long process of guardianship to protect yourself. I'm sure his doctor would say he can't make decisions but you may need more legal protection. As Pam says, you may need to go as far as going to court for guardianship, but an attorney can advise you.
Please let us know how you are doing as you progress. We're not new to these issues and will be thinking of you.
Carol see more
Question
Does anybody use GPS tracking for their loved ones with dementia? Suggestions?
I think part of the research should be on the strongest signal for your area. You want reliable coverage. I'm sure others here in the... I think part of the research should be on the strongest signal for your area. You want reliable coverage. I'm sure others here in the community have brands/services to recommend so keep watching.
We'd love to know what you chose and how it's working.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
We'd love to know what you chose and how it's working.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
My MIL was in a NH a month, had a mild heart attack, and is in a SNF. Do we notify APS?
DHilBe is right on with her answer. I'm assuming that APS is adult protection services. I wouldn't think there was a need for... DHilBe is right on with her answer. I'm assuming that APS is adult protection services. I wouldn't think there was a need for notification since you are moving your mother-in-law from a nursing home which was recommended by this person. However, it wouldn't hurt to call. You can even leave a message saying that you've appreciate his or her help (just a nice thing to say) and that you are moving your MIL to Texas to be closer to you.
I'm assuming the health insurance is under Medicare but if there's a supplemental policy (which is likely) and a Medicare D policy (also likely) - those are in a private/public partnership so you'll have to check into making a switch to companies licensed in Texas. Let Medicare and the supplemental companies know about the move and then transfer any of the partnership policies to something available in Texas. Many are licensed in several states but there's still paperwork to make the switch.
You seem to have found an excellent solution. Not that your MIL will be easy to handle with the move. She may become more confused than ever. You'll at least be able to keep tabs on her, so that will be good.
Please let us know how this all works out. We're here for you if you want to communicate or vent: )
Carol see more
I'm assuming the health insurance is under Medicare but if there's a supplemental policy (which is likely) and a Medicare D policy (also likely) - those are in a private/public partnership so you'll have to check into making a switch to companies licensed in Texas. Let Medicare and the supplemental companies know about the move and then transfer any of the partnership policies to something available in Texas. Many are licensed in several states but there's still paperwork to make the switch.
You seem to have found an excellent solution. Not that your MIL will be easy to handle with the move. She may become more confused than ever. You'll at least be able to keep tabs on her, so that will be good.
Please let us know how this all works out. We're here for you if you want to communicate or vent: )
Carol see more
Question
How can you find local Caregiver Support Groups?
Try typing the name of your state in your browser and then the word "aging." That should bring up many local links including your... Try typing the name of your state in your browser and then the word "aging." That should bring up many local links including your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP), though it may have a slightly different name. I'd think that this group could send you a local list.
Your local Alzheimer's organization may be able to help. Churches often have groups as well. Local nonprofit social services organizations are also likely to have local information. So would your local Area Agency on Aging.
Good luck with this. In-person support groups help many people and you may make friends who truly understand you.
I hope you'll also check back with us so we know how you're doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Your local Alzheimer's organization may be able to help. Churches often have groups as well. Local nonprofit social services organizations are also likely to have local information. So would your local Area Agency on Aging.
Good luck with this. In-person support groups help many people and you may make friends who truly understand you.
I hope you'll also check back with us so we know how you're doing.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Well my sister has moved in with my Mom and also her son and his wife too. Any advice?
No wonder you feel terrible for your mom. The only solution I can see if that you involve an elder law attorney. This could mean that... No wonder you feel terrible for your mom. The only solution I can see if that you involve an elder law attorney. This could mean that charges would be brought against your family for squandering you mother's money so you'll have to think that through. But you mom is horribly unhappy and if they aren't giving her good care, something should be done. Maybe others in this community have more suggestions, but it seems like a legal issue to me.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Can someone help me understand the difference in definition of assisted and skilled?
I'd have her evaluated by a doctor since a medical opinion may be needed. Skilled nursing generally means a nursing home. There are... I'd have her evaluated by a doctor since a medical opinion may be needed.
Skilled nursing generally means a nursing home. There are certain qualifications for someone to be admitted under Medicare. If she's been paying her way privately, you may be able to have her admitted to a nursing home under private pay. By the time her money is spent down, she'll likely qualify for Medicaid.
Please let us know how you're doing,
Carol see more
Skilled nursing generally means a nursing home. There are certain qualifications for someone to be admitted under Medicare. If she's been paying her way privately, you may be able to have her admitted to a nursing home under private pay. By the time her money is spent down, she'll likely qualify for Medicaid.
Please let us know how you're doing,
Carol see more
Question
I need some time away from my husband with dementia. How do I get my husband to consent to a sitter?
Yes, you need to do this. Don't ask permission. When he complains about a "sitter" tell him that the doctor says he needs... Yes, you need to do this. Don't ask permission. When he complains about a "sitter" tell him that the doctor says he needs someone with him so that's how it's going to be.
Your husband is sick and his dignity is offended. He hates his own situation. That's understandable. This isn't about you.
Ideally, the person taking a shift would be some long-term friend of his, too - a man? That would make it easier to start. But whoever it is, just tell him that he needs someone around and that this friend will be there to help. Doctor's orders.
Good luck. Please let us know how this goes for you. Remember - you deserve this for your sake but also your husbands. You want to be around to take care of him, so you need to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Your husband is sick and his dignity is offended. He hates his own situation. That's understandable. This isn't about you.
Ideally, the person taking a shift would be some long-term friend of his, too - a man? That would make it easier to start. But whoever it is, just tell him that he needs someone around and that this friend will be there to help. Doctor's orders.
Good luck. Please let us know how this goes for you. Remember - you deserve this for your sake but also your husbands. You want to be around to take care of him, so you need to take care of yourself.
Carol see more
Question
Looking for info on congregate homes. Any advice?
You can check with your county about regulations and how they comply. Other than that, I'd visit and see how the other residents are... You can check with your county about regulations and how they comply. Other than that, I'd visit and see how the other residents are doing. Do they seems comfortable (taking into consideration their health)? Are the meals appetizing? Is there a nice yard where people can go out and sit and maybe even picnic? Are there visitor restrictions? You should be able to check on your loved one at any time though of course you may not be able to stay if it's a night visit, depending on staffing. What is the staffing ratio? What are the vibes you get from the staff as well as the owner/manager?
Gut feeling can be a good guide with something like this.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Gut feeling can be a good guide with something like this.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
Caring for a disabled friend (46). Where do I get caregiver help?
It looks like your friend is on disability already, so I don't understand why social services can't set up some services. They may... It looks like your friend is on disability already, so I don't understand why social services can't set up some services. They may not determine that she needs care day and night, though. That's tough to get.
Each state is different. I'd suggest that you type the words "Nebraska" and "disability" into your browser and see what comes up. Follow the links. Also, try your state name and the word "aging." Aging isn't the issue here, yet many resources are focused on aging but can help anyone with disabilities. Under both lists look for something close to "National Family Caregivers Support Program." Each state has a version of this, so it may be under a different name. Try to find a contact. This should be a good route to follow.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Each state is different. I'd suggest that you type the words "Nebraska" and "disability" into your browser and see what comes up. Follow the links. Also, try your state name and the word "aging." Aging isn't the issue here, yet many resources are focused on aging but can help anyone with disabilities. Under both lists look for something close to "National Family Caregivers Support Program." Each state has a version of this, so it may be under a different name. Try to find a contact. This should be a good route to follow.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom smokes and can't use a lighter, she wants matches or uses the stove. She lives alone, what should I do?
Hope it helps. Many people would like to know.
Carol
Carol
Question
Found my Dad sleeping on the floor when we came to see him at the extended care home. Is this ok?
I don't like the floor idea, either. If they could provide a mattress then that would be okay. I do like that they'll let people... I don't like the floor idea, either. If they could provide a mattress then that would be okay. I do like that they'll let people choose if they want to nap, but this is a bit over the top. Talk with the social worker or administrator and discuss solutions.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Do senior Independent Living Communities allow pets?
Many do, but it depends on the pet. I brought my neighbor his bird and I've seen cats and small dogs in nursing homes. You'll have... Many do, but it depends on the pet. I brought my neighbor his bird and I've seen cats and small dogs in nursing homes. You'll have to check with the facility that you are looking at. Good luck! Pets are important to people who've had them for a long time.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Mom smokes and can't use a lighter, she wants matches or uses the stove. She lives alone, what should I do?
Hi Sahrrden, I've read where some people have switched to ecigarettes. I know little about them and don't smoke myself so I... Hi Sahrrden,
I've read where some people have switched to ecigarettes. I know little about them and don't smoke myself so I don't know if this is viable, but I've read where it's worked for others. Aging smokers can be a big safety issue. If they won't (can't) quit, this is sometimes an option. Obviously at this point nicotine isn't the issue.
Good luck with this. Maybe others in the community will have better ideas. Please let us know if you find a solution.
Take care,
Carol see more
I've read where some people have switched to ecigarettes. I know little about them and don't smoke myself so I don't know if this is viable, but I've read where it's worked for others. Aging smokers can be a big safety issue. If they won't (can't) quit, this is sometimes an option. Obviously at this point nicotine isn't the issue.
Good luck with this. Maybe others in the community will have better ideas. Please let us know if you find a solution.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Dementia patient wishes to stay at home for their last days medical care. How can this be handled financially...
My first thought was hospice. Hospice helps in any setting that is home for the person who needs their care. Talk over the options with... My first thought was hospice. Hospice helps in any setting that is home for the person who needs their care. Talk over the options with them, and then, if more people are needed, it's possible that family and friends can fill in.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Has anyone else's loved one with dementia displayed this odd behavior?
This isn't unusual at all. Some people will do that with a tissue. Others a piece of material. There's some comfort there, I... This isn't unusual at all. Some people will do that with a tissue. Others a piece of material. There's some comfort there, I expect. I'm breaking my own rule about comparing people with dementia to children when I say this, but small children often do the same thing. The main thing is that your husband is finding some comfort in this behavior and it isn't really harmful.
Thanks for checking in. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Thanks for checking in. Please keep in touch.
Carol see more
Question
Family members abusing me while I am trying to take care of sick Mom. What can I do?
Ismiami has a solution that 's seems excellent. It will take time and effort and a lot of fortitude, but then everyone has to stand on... Ismiami has a solution that 's seems excellent. It will take time and effort and a lot of fortitude, but then everyone has to stand on their own.
Good luck with this problem that resembles so many others in the community. Please keep coming back to check answers and received support. As mentioned above, no one can fix your problems, but we can sympathize and give our opinions.
Take care,
Carol see more
Good luck with this problem that resembles so many others in the community. Please keep coming back to check answers and received support. As mentioned above, no one can fix your problems, but we can sympathize and give our opinions.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How do you pick up an elder when they have fallen?
Frequent falls led to my mother living in the nursing home. I'd called 9-1-1 so many times but the full force would come even when I... Frequent falls led to my mother living in the nursing home. I'd called 9-1-1 so many times but the full force would come even when I said it wasn't needed. Eventually, they told me that's not what they were there for. Maybe it was just one EMT, but I had to agree that I was using resources we didn't need. I'm thrilled to see that some places have a lift unit because that is a huge need.
Mom was in no condition for someone who was untrained to lift her and it was best to have two people. Since my dad was also in the nursing home, this was the trigger for her move to be with him.
This is really a tough situation for a caregiver - when the physical part becomes too much. We're with you.
Carol see more
Mom was in no condition for someone who was untrained to lift her and it was best to have two people. Since my dad was also in the nursing home, this was the trigger for her move to be with him.
This is really a tough situation for a caregiver - when the physical part becomes too much. We're with you.
Carol see more
Question
What do you do when your loved one is caught between Hospice and their own insurance provider for prior author...
Good answers here. People do go off of hospice care if they improve, so maybe it's time to do that. This summer, Medicare will run a... Good answers here. People do go off of hospice care if they improve, so maybe it's time to do that.
This summer, Medicare will run a pilot program allowing Hospice care for comfort as well as medications that sustain life if the patient/family want them. They feel that this move will make comfort care an easier choice. However, I don't believe that program will be in effect until July.
I'd talk with the hospice people about your mom's improvement. If you want her on medications that prolong life you may have to remove her from the program. She can always go back on hospice when she worsens.
These are difficult times for you. We're with you,
Carol see more
This summer, Medicare will run a pilot program allowing Hospice care for comfort as well as medications that sustain life if the patient/family want them. They feel that this move will make comfort care an easier choice. However, I don't believe that program will be in effect until July.
I'd talk with the hospice people about your mom's improvement. If you want her on medications that prolong life you may have to remove her from the program. She can always go back on hospice when she worsens.
These are difficult times for you. We're with you,
Carol see more
Are there short-term facilities for Alzheimer's patients?
Best of luck with your search,
Carol see more