Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Can a nursing home evict a patient?
As with most questions, there's no definitive answer because there are so many variables. I've read of instances where this happens... As with most questions, there's no definitive answer because there are so many variables.
I've read of instances where this happens if the resident is too disruptive. I always suggest that the people involved contact their long-term care ombudsman at www.ltcombudsman.org. This person represents the residents and families involved with a particular nursing home. Most matters can be resolved.
Like to many matters, where people live seems to be an issue. Some states have better nursing homes in general and some have different laws than others about governing the homes. Areas with more forward thinking nursing homes tend (in my opinion) to have fewer problems with their residents and therefore fewer of these issues.
Thanks for asking.
Carol see more
I've read of instances where this happens if the resident is too disruptive. I always suggest that the people involved contact their long-term care ombudsman at www.ltcombudsman.org. This person represents the residents and families involved with a particular nursing home. Most matters can be resolved.
Like to many matters, where people live seems to be an issue. Some states have better nursing homes in general and some have different laws than others about governing the homes. Areas with more forward thinking nursing homes tend (in my opinion) to have fewer problems with their residents and therefore fewer of these issues.
Thanks for asking.
Carol see more
Question
How do you deal with mean and miserable old lady?
Palmtrees has some excellent advice. If your mother was always self-centered like this, there's likely not much you can do but arrange... Palmtrees has some excellent advice. If your mother was always self-centered like this, there's likely not much you can do but arrange for her to live elsewhere.
If she used to be a nice person and has changed drastically, she may be physically healthy as far as her general doctor can see, but she should have a neurological checkup. From what you say, even getting her there could be an issue but you could try. If you don't tell her that this is for her mental health you may have a better chance of getting her to the appointment.
If that's not the issue, then you need to change the situation. We can't force competent people to do things, however you are not bound to keep her in your home. Her treatment of your children makes this unwise long-term. Maybe you can tell her that since she is so unhappy with you it's time for her to find another place to live. Tell her you'll arrange things if she doesn't want to be in on choosing where to live. They do it.
I know this is all hard but think how hard it will be if this goes on for years. You mother could destroy your family.
Take care and please let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
If she used to be a nice person and has changed drastically, she may be physically healthy as far as her general doctor can see, but she should have a neurological checkup. From what you say, even getting her there could be an issue but you could try. If you don't tell her that this is for her mental health you may have a better chance of getting her to the appointment.
If that's not the issue, then you need to change the situation. We can't force competent people to do things, however you are not bound to keep her in your home. Her treatment of your children makes this unwise long-term. Maybe you can tell her that since she is so unhappy with you it's time for her to find another place to live. Tell her you'll arrange things if she doesn't want to be in on choosing where to live. They do it.
I know this is all hard but think how hard it will be if this goes on for years. You mother could destroy your family.
Take care and please let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
Question
My Mom says, "I just want to go home." Is she reverting to being a little girl or an adult who misses her old...
Wonderful comments! "Home" often means safety and comfort - the ultimate love. As Pam said - a simpler time when someone older... Wonderful comments! "Home" often means safety and comfort - the ultimate love. As Pam said - a simpler time when someone older and bigger than us carried life's burdens (ideally). As Alzheimer's destroys areas of memory in the brain the person goes farther and farther back in time. This explains many people "flirting" with 20 somethings, and further on, what is happening here, wanting to go home to a place that no longer exists anywhere but in the person's mind.
Thanks to you all for your wisdom and support for the community.
Carol see more
Thanks to you all for your wisdom and support for the community.
Carol see more
Question
The doctor thinks my Mom has vascular dementia due to her heart condition. Any advice?
Oh, absolutely! I didn't realize that she was so ill. I don't think it matters at this stage whether or not she has vascular... Oh, absolutely! I didn't realize that she was so ill. I don't think it matters at this stage whether or not she has vascular dementia - hospice is there for her comfort and pain relief and for your support.
I'd talk with the hospice nurses and/or doctor about why she continually wakes up at night. They should be able to settle on some medication that helps her sleep.
Take care of yourself through this stressful time and please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
I'd talk with the hospice nurses and/or doctor about why she continually wakes up at night. They should be able to settle on some medication that helps her sleep.
Take care of yourself through this stressful time and please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
Carol see more
Question
How to donate?
I agree with Pam. When my dad died I left all of his big band CDs with the nursing home and they were thrilled to have them. People have... I agree with Pam. When my dad died I left all of his big band CDs with the nursing home and they were thrilled to have them. People have different interests so the more appropriate entertainment they have available the better. Thanks for thinking of donating!
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Carol see more
Question
The doctor thinks my Mom has vascular dementia due to her heart condition. Any advice?
HI Melicity, It sounds like you need to take your mother to a doctor who can test her for dementia. Heart conditions can contribute to... HI Melicity,
It sounds like you need to take your mother to a doctor who can test her for dementia. Heart conditions can contribute to vascular dementia, but she needs to see a specialist who can give her a proper diagnosis. There are cases of mixed dementia, as well as people with heart conditions who have other types of dementia. A neurologist should be able to test her to see what can be done to help your mom.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It sounds like you need to take your mother to a doctor who can test her for dementia. Heart conditions can contribute to vascular dementia, but she needs to see a specialist who can give her a proper diagnosis. There are cases of mixed dementia, as well as people with heart conditions who have other types of dementia. A neurologist should be able to test her to see what can be done to help your mom.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I have home owner's insurance and an umbrella policy. Are these sufficient to cover possible injuries to my ho...
Good point. I was assuming ncurren meant to hired someone independently. If they hire someone from an agency there shouldn't be any... Good point. I was assuming ncurren meant to hired someone independently. If they hire someone from an agency there shouldn't be any problem though it wouldn't hurt to check with the insurance company just in case. Hiring your own worker can mean a lot of changes including IRS as Ogloo mentioned.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
My Mom (73) is acting attracted to my boyfriend, why?
I also agree that a little playing along isn't bad. Your mom's dementia has her thinking she's much younger than she is. This... I also agree that a little playing along isn't bad. Your mom's dementia has her thinking she's much younger than she is. This isn't uncommon. I've heard of daughters-in-law who've had to avoid their FIL because of sexual advances even though, when all was well, they got along really well. Heartbreaking in that situation. Your boyfriend shouldn't play along too much but if a little flirting help you mom, then why not? Just see what works. Unfortunately, this is part of the disease.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Life insurance company went under, now my in-laws have no life insurance. Can this happen?
That's horrifying! Sorry to say that it's entirely possible that nothing can be done if the company is gone but I'd certainly... That's horrifying! Sorry to say that it's entirely possible that nothing can be done if the company is gone but I'd certainly try to see if there's any recourse. You could check with your state insurance commission. They may be able to guide you.
Good luck with this. We'd love to hear how you're doing.
Carol see more
Good luck with this. We'd love to hear how you're doing.
Carol see more
Question
How can I live my life with happiness, when I know that Mom is not?
I agree with Chicago about the clothes. She may be fighting the clothes so the do their best with the least upset. Sometimes they have to... I agree with Chicago about the clothes. She may be fighting the clothes so the do their best with the least upset. Sometimes they have to choose priorities.
It takes time to settle into a change like moving to a nursing home and everyone is very different so no one can give you a timeline.
It sounds as though your mom has dementia of some type. Her wanting to "go home" is probably more about something in the past than the home she just left. Home signifies safety and caring for most people and she may be thinking of her childhood home.
You did the right thing. Keep tabs on her and work with the staff. Expect this to be hard. Some days will be easier than others. Make sure she gets the right medical attention and that she is safe. Hold her hand, talk softly with her and be as gentle as possible even when she is upset. Living in a world of dementia is confusing and frightening so try to remember that she's not acting this way on purpose.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
It takes time to settle into a change like moving to a nursing home and everyone is very different so no one can give you a timeline.
It sounds as though your mom has dementia of some type. Her wanting to "go home" is probably more about something in the past than the home she just left. Home signifies safety and caring for most people and she may be thinking of her childhood home.
You did the right thing. Keep tabs on her and work with the staff. Expect this to be hard. Some days will be easier than others. Make sure she gets the right medical attention and that she is safe. Hold her hand, talk softly with her and be as gentle as possible even when she is upset. Living in a world of dementia is confusing and frightening so try to remember that she's not acting this way on purpose.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol see more
Question
Can I draw up a contract to purchase Mom's home in case she needs to go into an AL?
Countrymouse seems to have it right (as usual). As long as you pay market rate and the money is used for her care there shouldn't be a... Countrymouse seems to have it right (as usual). As long as you pay market rate and the money is used for her care there shouldn't be a problem. You'll need to work with the bank, of course, because you'll likely need a new mortgage.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
How do you handle getting groceries and other supplies when you are house-bound?
You seem to have it figured out. I've used Amazon for years just because of time issues - with free shipping it can be a huge time... You seem to have it figured out. I've used Amazon for years just because of time issues - with free shipping it can be a huge time saver. My local grocery store delivers for $7.00. While that's hardly free, when it comes to saving time it is fantastic. Also, my drug store/pharmacy has great deals and when ordering over $50 (doesn't take much) shipping is free. That's CVS for me but others do that, too. There are also prescription mail services attached to many insurances and perhaps even drug stores. That can be a boon for people who are home bound.
I can't imagine that anyone will be able to add much to your list, but I do know that you've provided a wonderful service to others by sharing what you've found.
Thanks and best wishes,
Carol see more
I can't imagine that anyone will be able to add much to your list, but I do know that you've provided a wonderful service to others by sharing what you've found.
Thanks and best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
Anyone know of a caregiver support group in the Herndon VA. area?
Try calling a non-profit social service organization in your community or your local Area Agency on Aging. If that doesn't work, go to... Try calling a non-profit social service organization in your community or your local Area Agency on Aging.
If that doesn't work, go to your state website. Type the name of your state and the word "aging" in your browser. You should see quite a few links. Look for caregiver support. Every state has a version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program though it may have a different name. These people can be very helpful when you have questions about resources in your community. While you're at it you may want to explore the other links on the page. Often, there's more support than we are aware of, but so much depends on the state where you live.
Good luck,
Carol see more
If that doesn't work, go to your state website. Type the name of your state and the word "aging" in your browser. You should see quite a few links. Look for caregiver support. Every state has a version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program though it may have a different name. These people can be very helpful when you have questions about resources in your community. While you're at it you may want to explore the other links on the page. Often, there's more support than we are aware of, but so much depends on the state where you live.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I have home owner's insurance and an umbrella policy. Are these sufficient to cover possible injuries to my ho...
I wouldn't count on that. Call your state Department of Labor's office for advice. You may have to increase your liability... I wouldn't count on that. Call your state Department of Labor's office for advice. You may have to increase your liability insurance with the company you have or take out a specific policy.
You are wise to look into this. Many people don't and live to regret it. Caregivers are at high risk for back injuries, especially if a lot of lifting is necessary.
We'd love to know what you find out from your state if you are willing to share. Each state can be different.
Take care,
Carol see more
You are wise to look into this. Many people don't and live to regret it. Caregivers are at high risk for back injuries, especially if a lot of lifting is necessary.
We'd love to know what you find out from your state if you are willing to share. Each state can be different.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Should I tell my husband when he forgets to turn burners or faucets off?
So much depends on the individual. If you can nicely let him know that this is part of his disease and he probably should leave the stove... So much depends on the individual. If you can nicely let him know that this is part of his disease and he probably should leave the stove to you, you can try reminding him. However, he's likely to forget and do it anyway.
I don't think I'd mention the fish in the microwave. That's not dangerous, just wasteful, and is one more thing to embarrass him. The stove is a bit different.
I like the idea of making the appliances too complicated to use such as taking the knobs off the stove if possible. Let him help in the kitchen but with safe tasks.
None of this is easy. You'll have to be vigilant so he doesn't burn the house down.
Good luck! Please keep coming back to let us know how it's going.
Carol see more
I don't think I'd mention the fish in the microwave. That's not dangerous, just wasteful, and is one more thing to embarrass him. The stove is a bit different.
I like the idea of making the appliances too complicated to use such as taking the knobs off the stove if possible. Let him help in the kitchen but with safe tasks.
None of this is easy. You'll have to be vigilant so he doesn't burn the house down.
Good luck! Please keep coming back to let us know how it's going.
Carol see more
Question
Any experience with a very persistant hospice care social worker?
If it's Medicare, your finances shouldn't be an issue at all. Please do call and try to find out what's going on. We're... If it's Medicare, your finances shouldn't be an issue at all. Please do call and try to find out what's going on.
We're with you!
Carol see more
We're with you!
Carol see more
Question
Any experience with a very persistant hospice care social worker?
Countrymouse hit the nail on the head. Most social workers do a wonderful job and many are tactful and have a deep knowledge of services.... Countrymouse hit the nail on the head. Most social workers do a wonderful job and many are tactful and have a deep knowledge of services. However, like doctors, social workers and others can be a bad fit with a patient or client. This seems to be the case (I'm giving the social worker the benefit of a doubt, here).
It is the social worker's job, on many occasions, to be "nosy." However, to ask you about funeral arrangements in front of your mother is less than tactless, it's callous.
I'm assuming that your mother's Medicare is covering the hospice expenses, so I don't know what business it is of theirs when it comes to your finances. If your mother is on Medicaid and is receiving Medicaid paid services, then there may be some reason for this, however it seems as though it could be done in a nicer way.
If the social worker is checking on your mother's welfare, she should be able to evaluate things without a third degree on your finances.
I'd call the hospice agency and ask why this is necessary. If they say it must be done, ask for a different social worker. Just say that you two got off on the wrong foot and you feel that you are being blamed for something and don't even know what the problem is.
It does seem you'll have to speak up. If you can't approach the social worker directly in a way that she accepts (some people won't listen), then tell your story to someone else in the agency. You are under enough stress now without undue "services" you don't want or need.
Good luck,
Carol see more
It is the social worker's job, on many occasions, to be "nosy." However, to ask you about funeral arrangements in front of your mother is less than tactless, it's callous.
I'm assuming that your mother's Medicare is covering the hospice expenses, so I don't know what business it is of theirs when it comes to your finances. If your mother is on Medicaid and is receiving Medicaid paid services, then there may be some reason for this, however it seems as though it could be done in a nicer way.
If the social worker is checking on your mother's welfare, she should be able to evaluate things without a third degree on your finances.
I'd call the hospice agency and ask why this is necessary. If they say it must be done, ask for a different social worker. Just say that you two got off on the wrong foot and you feel that you are being blamed for something and don't even know what the problem is.
It does seem you'll have to speak up. If you can't approach the social worker directly in a way that she accepts (some people won't listen), then tell your story to someone else in the agency. You are under enough stress now without undue "services" you don't want or need.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Where can I go to get help with medical and prescription costs for my Dad?
If your dad hasn't got enough assets to pay his medical bills he likely qualifies for Medicaid. Please check with your Social Services... If your dad hasn't got enough assets to pay his medical bills he likely qualifies for Medicaid. Please check with your Social Services right away since approval takes time.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom can't remember what happened yesterday. What is going on?
She needs to see a neurologist for a complete workup. It could be something that can be cleared up like a UTI or a medication interaction,... She needs to see a neurologist for a complete workup. It could be something that can be cleared up like a UTI or a medication interaction, but it sounds very much like dementia may be the culprit. There are drugs that can slow the progression in some people so the sooner she sees a qualified doctor the better.
Take care and please let us know how this works out.
Carol see more
Take care and please let us know how this works out.
Carol see more
Anyone else had a person with dementia develop a fear of falling?
Another problem can be that she doesn't understand the pattern on the floor or how to "get across" a simple change in rug color, texture or pattern. These changes can be perceived as steps or something that can trip her. Getting over the gap for elevators is often frightening to people with dementia. It's a matter of not recognizing the change. Optical illusions may seem like different levels therefore presenting a risk of falling.
Also, of course, there could be cataracts or other eye changes so it's possible that she needs her eyes checked.
Please check back and let us know how things are working out.
Carol see more