Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
Dad with dementia, Mom in denial. What do I do?
Regarding insurance: I took that to mean that he doesn't have health insurance. If you are talking about nursing home insurance,... Regarding insurance: I took that to mean that he doesn't have health insurance. If you are talking about nursing home insurance, that's a whole different thing. He couldn't get that now.
Nursing home insurance is private pay until the assets are at a certain level to qualify for Medicaid. Likely you parents aren't there yet. Also, as was mentioned, he may not be ready for nursing home care.
Carol see more
Nursing home insurance is private pay until the assets are at a certain level to qualify for Medicaid. Likely you parents aren't there yet. Also, as was mentioned, he may not be ready for nursing home care.
Carol see more
Question
Dad with dementia, Mom in denial. What do I do?
Pam and Everishlass have this pretty well pegged. Your mom's going to have to be the one to make decisions on this. As dreadful and... Pam and Everishlass have this pretty well pegged. Your mom's going to have to be the one to make decisions on this. As dreadful and random (older) onset dementia is, early onset is even worse since it affects people still in their prime work years and often with younger children.
One thing about insurance. Now people must be accepted for insurance even with a pre-existing condition. If you dad can no longer work, your parents may qualify for a subsidy. If you mom is too upset to look into this, see if you can help or a friend of your parents. I'm not saying it will be free, but likely there will be some help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
One thing about insurance. Now people must be accepted for insurance even with a pre-existing condition. If you dad can no longer work, your parents may qualify for a subsidy. If you mom is too upset to look into this, see if you can help or a friend of your parents. I'm not saying it will be free, but likely there will be some help.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Question
Good source for incontinence supplies? (Need very large size..)
Since this happened so suddenly, I'd take her to a doctor. She could still have a UTI without the burning or even a fever. They'd... Since this happened so suddenly, I'd take her to a doctor. She could still have a UTI without the burning or even a fever. They'd do a culture.
The whole protection pads is an expensive problem for caregivers. I recently learned something recently that boggles the mind - the pads are "time sensitive" and past a certain date aren't sold by the companies under the company name. (This is, by the way, hearsay, but it sounds very believable as the source was a physician.) The "old" product is shipped to third world countries and likely sold under a different name.
Anyway, there are people trying to find ways to warehouse these castoffs here in our country so that caregivers can get them at a lower cost. I know this doesn't help you at this point, but I was really affected by reading this.
There are some places that do have recycled medical equipment and new but donated items. Our community has a place called HEROES. There are many such non-profits across the country. I expect that boxes of incontinence pads go fast if they have any, but it's something to look for in your community just in case.
Take care,
Carol see more
The whole protection pads is an expensive problem for caregivers. I recently learned something recently that boggles the mind - the pads are "time sensitive" and past a certain date aren't sold by the companies under the company name. (This is, by the way, hearsay, but it sounds very believable as the source was a physician.) The "old" product is shipped to third world countries and likely sold under a different name.
Anyway, there are people trying to find ways to warehouse these castoffs here in our country so that caregivers can get them at a lower cost. I know this doesn't help you at this point, but I was really affected by reading this.
There are some places that do have recycled medical equipment and new but donated items. Our community has a place called HEROES. There are many such non-profits across the country. I expect that boxes of incontinence pads go fast if they have any, but it's something to look for in your community just in case.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How to you break the news to your Mom she's going into a nursing home?
Settling your mom in a nursing home is hard for both of you, I know. After getting my mom settled in the nursing home, I went home... Settling your mom in a nursing home is hard for both of you, I know. After getting my mom settled in the nursing home, I went home physically exhausted and literally sick. But it was the only way that made any sense.
As far as telling your mom, I have a feeling that even if she objects, she knows that her health is very bad and that she needs nursing care. I'd stress her health and safety and the need for professional care, telling her that you will still be there to visit, support her and be her advocate. Expect some grief when it happens, but I think that you can expect that her caregivers will learn to care about her and she them. After a couple of weeks it should get better. Tell her ahead of time about her possessions she can bring with which is so much better than a hospital.
Please keep us posted on how this goes for you.
Carol see more
As far as telling your mom, I have a feeling that even if she objects, she knows that her health is very bad and that she needs nursing care. I'd stress her health and safety and the need for professional care, telling her that you will still be there to visit, support her and be her advocate. Expect some grief when it happens, but I think that you can expect that her caregivers will learn to care about her and she them. After a couple of weeks it should get better. Tell her ahead of time about her possessions she can bring with which is so much better than a hospital.
Please keep us posted on how this goes for you.
Carol see more
Question
Looking for advice on how to choose a senior alert system agency. Anyone used VRI?
I haven't heard of VRI but there are some excellent national companies. I'm a huge fan of these alarms and used them with three... I haven't heard of VRI but there are some excellent national companies. I'm a huge fan of these alarms and used them with three elders. Make sure they don't require a contract because you never know when your loved one may need nursing home care or something and then you are stuck paying for something that isn't needed. I'd also look for years in business. That is not always a good criteria but it can be helpful if you have no other guidelines.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
What questions do I ask Hospice?
There are some wonderful tips on here from the community. I'd add that word of mouth and references would help a lot. Many people... There are some wonderful tips on here from the community. I'd add that word of mouth and references would help a lot. Many people volunteer to pass on their experience with a particular hospice. I know I would.
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
Warm wishes,
Carol see more
Question
At what point do you start Hospice care?
Hi Debi, Hospice is generally started if the person has, according to a physician, six months or less to live. Often people live longer... Hi Debi,
Hospice is generally started if the person has, according to a physician, six months or less to live. Often people live longer when pain is controlled and that's wonderful. Even the best doctor can't project a certain time frame, anyway.
Some people even get better and go off of hospice. The mistake many make is to wait too long for the care that hospice can offer. So, if you care about someone who has limited time left, I'd give hospice a call.
Take care,
Carol see more
Hospice is generally started if the person has, according to a physician, six months or less to live. Often people live longer when pain is controlled and that's wonderful. Even the best doctor can't project a certain time frame, anyway.
Some people even get better and go off of hospice. The mistake many make is to wait too long for the care that hospice can offer. So, if you care about someone who has limited time left, I'd give hospice a call.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
How to care for an elderly parent in a nursing facility?
You'd have to get custody through the courts but you don't need custody to know what is going on with your mother in a nursing... You'd have to get custody through the courts but you don't need custody to know what is going on with your mother in a nursing home. Do you have Power Of Attorney? It doesn't sound like it but I thought I'd ask. Even without POA, you should be able to visit your mom regularly.
Being friendly with the staff will generally help you feel more at home when you visit. Let them know that you love your mother and want to visit often. If they won't let you see her for some reason, then you contact the ombudsman for that home by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. Type the Zip code of the nursing home in the box and click enter. Then you'll get the representative's contact number. This person is there to help people with loved ones in long-term care.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Being friendly with the staff will generally help you feel more at home when you visit. Let them know that you love your mother and want to visit often. If they won't let you see her for some reason, then you contact the ombudsman for that home by going to www.ltcombudsman.org. Type the Zip code of the nursing home in the box and click enter. Then you'll get the representative's contact number. This person is there to help people with loved ones in long-term care.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Mom is not eating or sleeping at night, refusing doctor appointments and cursing. What can I do?
Hi Confused, I can understand why you're confused. This is a very trying situation. It's too bad that no one has Power Of Attorney,... Hi Confused,
I can understand why you're confused. This is a very trying situation. It's too bad that no one has Power Of Attorney, but even then it can be hard to get anything done if the elder doesn't cooperate. You could call adult protective services at your county social services office.
If you think that your sister is abusing your mother financially or any other way, you can try to get help from an elder law attorney. Your State's Attorney's office may be able to get you someone who'd give you at least a free consultation.
If your mom has a bladder infection she needs medication and that bladder infection could be affecting how she acts. You'll need help to legally get her to do anything about it, though. I'd call your social services office first and ask for adult protective services. Tell them the problem and see if they can guide you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I can understand why you're confused. This is a very trying situation. It's too bad that no one has Power Of Attorney, but even then it can be hard to get anything done if the elder doesn't cooperate. You could call adult protective services at your county social services office.
If you think that your sister is abusing your mother financially or any other way, you can try to get help from an elder law attorney. Your State's Attorney's office may be able to get you someone who'd give you at least a free consultation.
If your mom has a bladder infection she needs medication and that bladder infection could be affecting how she acts. You'll need help to legally get her to do anything about it, though. I'd call your social services office first and ask for adult protective services. Tell them the problem and see if they can guide you.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
I find it challenging to keep my patience with my Mom. Any advice?
The wise advice from this community constantly amazes me : ) I agree that fear is behind much of VictoriaP's mother's behavior.... The wise advice from this community constantly amazes me : )
I agree that fear is behind much of VictoriaP's mother's behavior. Growing old is hard. Of course, there is always the chance that the mother has leaned in this direction her whole life which could mean that there's a great need for constant attention, as well. Still, at the base of the need for constant attention is - once again - fear.
Taking a deep breath before coping with her, not taking "the bait" and trying to remain compassionate about the losses of aging are all good ways to handle this.
Don't feel guilty, Victoria, for feeling impatient. You are human. Just try to do what you can to cope with a difficult situation. Please keep checking in with us. This community understands what you are going through.
Carol see more
I agree that fear is behind much of VictoriaP's mother's behavior. Growing old is hard. Of course, there is always the chance that the mother has leaned in this direction her whole life which could mean that there's a great need for constant attention, as well. Still, at the base of the need for constant attention is - once again - fear.
Taking a deep breath before coping with her, not taking "the bait" and trying to remain compassionate about the losses of aging are all good ways to handle this.
Don't feel guilty, Victoria, for feeling impatient. You are human. Just try to do what you can to cope with a difficult situation. Please keep checking in with us. This community understands what you are going through.
Carol see more
Question
Is there a way to protect your assets and qualify for Medicaid?
I think that your situation is tricky enough, especially with the house addition, that you should consult a local elder law attorney or... I think that your situation is tricky enough, especially with the house addition, that you should consult a local elder law attorney or estate attorney. Each state has slightly different laws when it comes to Medicaid, and you want to do this right so that there are no penalties. In my mind, it would be worth the cost to get expert help from a qualified specialist in your state.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Mom is on the drug Haldol for outcries for about a month. Now she doesn't want to eat or feed herself. What do...
Dear Please, I am so sorry that you've been through so much. The idea that the hospital nurse told you that your mom had passed away... Dear Please,
I am so sorry that you've been through so much. The idea that the hospital nurse told you that your mom had passed away and had the wrong person - I just don't know what to say! There are no words. I know that these things happen, but it's horrid that they do.
As far as your mom's current care, considering your mom's ill health, if you feel that she's being cared for fairly well I don't know that I'd change her nursing home status. The problem could be Haldol. Haldol is an extremely powerful drug and while there are times when it's useful, when they gave it to my dad it was a disaster. I've heard from others with similar stories.
I think if I were you I'd talk with the doctor and ask if there is another medication that could be tried. Haldol may be contributing to your mom's lack of appetite, her falls and even her bladder infections.
Now your dad also broke his hip. Just know that you can't make this all "okay" for either of them. Do what you can to show support but don't accept full responsibility.
It sounds as though your sister is helping to some degree. Talk with her about how much you two can do for your parents and what you need to leave to the experts.
Sadly, there are situations that we can only try to make better, but we can't fix them. You've got it coming from both sides. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up over it. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
I am so sorry that you've been through so much. The idea that the hospital nurse told you that your mom had passed away and had the wrong person - I just don't know what to say! There are no words. I know that these things happen, but it's horrid that they do.
As far as your mom's current care, considering your mom's ill health, if you feel that she's being cared for fairly well I don't know that I'd change her nursing home status. The problem could be Haldol. Haldol is an extremely powerful drug and while there are times when it's useful, when they gave it to my dad it was a disaster. I've heard from others with similar stories.
I think if I were you I'd talk with the doctor and ask if there is another medication that could be tried. Haldol may be contributing to your mom's lack of appetite, her falls and even her bladder infections.
Now your dad also broke his hip. Just know that you can't make this all "okay" for either of them. Do what you can to show support but don't accept full responsibility.
It sounds as though your sister is helping to some degree. Talk with her about how much you two can do for your parents and what you need to leave to the experts.
Sadly, there are situations that we can only try to make better, but we can't fix them. You've got it coming from both sides. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up over it. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol see more
Question
Mom had surgery and is now in a rehab facility. How can I make her home safe for her to come back?
Depending on how much you mother has recovered, she may need to have her bathroom completely renovated to accommodate her needs. Try going... Depending on how much you mother has recovered, she may need to have her bathroom completely renovated to accommodate her needs. Try going to her state's website. When you type the name of the state into your browser also type the word "aging." That should bring up a selection of state websites and other resources. You can also try "disabilities" and other variations on the word. These links will take you to various resources. One or more should provide local information that can help you find out what needs to be done.
Good luck. We'd love to hear back about how it is going.
Carol see more
Good luck. We'd love to hear back about how it is going.
Carol see more
Question
How can we help Mom with Alzheimer's who's living with husband of 64 years? He drinks and wants to isolate her...
I agree that your dad probably thinks he's protecting your mom, but I also agree that he may have skewed thinking because of dementia. ... I agree that your dad probably thinks he's protecting your mom, but I also agree that he may have skewed thinking because of dementia.
As mentioned, your dad may be using alcohol to relieve his own depression and possible burnout. The real question is whether he's a true alcoholic. If that's so, it's going to be hard to convince him that he needs help. If he's drinking because of depression over your mother's illness and his own burnout, it's possible that a doctor can help get him on track.
The key seems to be to figure out what's going on with your dad and then work with that so that your mom's situation is more open to adjustment. I'm happy to read that your sisters are also helping care for your mom. This situation may take some real family pressure.
Good luck. Please keep us informed about how it's going.
Carol
Whatever the reason, he's overly controlling if, indeed, your mom is capable of doing more than she is allowed to do. see more
As mentioned, your dad may be using alcohol to relieve his own depression and possible burnout. The real question is whether he's a true alcoholic. If that's so, it's going to be hard to convince him that he needs help. If he's drinking because of depression over your mother's illness and his own burnout, it's possible that a doctor can help get him on track.
The key seems to be to figure out what's going on with your dad and then work with that so that your mom's situation is more open to adjustment. I'm happy to read that your sisters are also helping care for your mom. This situation may take some real family pressure.
Good luck. Please keep us informed about how it's going.
Carol
Whatever the reason, he's overly controlling if, indeed, your mom is capable of doing more than she is allowed to do. see more
Question
Any advice about interviews for Medicaid waiting list?
Hi Marty, You are going through a tough time, so it's easy to get confused. Pam is right - you need to call your county Social... Hi Marty,
You are going through a tough time, so it's easy to get confused. Pam is right - you need to call your county Social Services. These things do take time, so you are likely going to receive the call, however things do fall through the cracks sometimes, so checking may be wise.
Take care,
Carol see more
You are going through a tough time, so it's easy to get confused. Pam is right - you need to call your county Social Services. These things do take time, so you are likely going to receive the call, however things do fall through the cracks sometimes, so checking may be wise.
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Hospice needed but not wanted by my Mom. Any advice?
As Everishlass mentioned, people often refuse hospice because accepting hospice care means accepting that they will die. As mentioned,... As Everishlass mentioned, people often refuse hospice because accepting hospice care means accepting that they will die. As mentioned, palliative care or comfort care are words that are easier for some to accept. However, she'll still know that its hospice care.
I'd ask your chosen hospice how to handle this since this is not a unique situation. It's possible, too, the chaplain of your mom's AL may be able to comfort her by truthfully telling her that many people improve under hospice care and can even go off of it.
I'd do both - ask hospice how to handle this and ask the AL chaplain or her own pastor or Rabbi if she has one, to talk with her. Once she understands that she can go off of hospice when she wishes, she may move forward.
Good luck,
Carol see more
I'd ask your chosen hospice how to handle this since this is not a unique situation. It's possible, too, the chaplain of your mom's AL may be able to comfort her by truthfully telling her that many people improve under hospice care and can even go off of it.
I'd do both - ask hospice how to handle this and ask the AL chaplain or her own pastor or Rabbi if she has one, to talk with her. Once she understands that she can go off of hospice when she wishes, she may move forward.
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
My Dad's having weird behavior changes. What is going on?
Hi Ypaffani, Only a doctor is going to be able to figure this out. People can have more than one type of dementia. With your dad's... Hi Ypaffani,
Only a doctor is going to be able to figure this out. People can have more than one type of dementia. With your dad's stroke history, he could have developed vascular dementia. He could also have Alzheimer's or another type. I'd say that his behavior is likely from dementia, but it could be worse because of medications he's taking or an infection in his system. He really needs to see a doctor to get this figured out.
You are having to cope with too much. It may be time for your siblings to see that your dad needs professional care which likely means a nursing home or hired in-home care. Since you have a social worker who can back you up, she or he should be able to help you through the steps of getting this accomplished.
You siblings have no right to sit around criticizing you unless they take over the care or actually help. It seems that a family meeting with the social worker or some type of non-family mediator is in order. Something has to be done to either get professional help in the house for you or get your dad into some care center.
First things first, however. A checkup with a neurologist for your dad seems to be at the top of the list.
Please check back and let us know how you are doing,
Carol see more
Only a doctor is going to be able to figure this out. People can have more than one type of dementia. With your dad's stroke history, he could have developed vascular dementia. He could also have Alzheimer's or another type. I'd say that his behavior is likely from dementia, but it could be worse because of medications he's taking or an infection in his system. He really needs to see a doctor to get this figured out.
You are having to cope with too much. It may be time for your siblings to see that your dad needs professional care which likely means a nursing home or hired in-home care. Since you have a social worker who can back you up, she or he should be able to help you through the steps of getting this accomplished.
You siblings have no right to sit around criticizing you unless they take over the care or actually help. It seems that a family meeting with the social worker or some type of non-family mediator is in order. Something has to be done to either get professional help in the house for you or get your dad into some care center.
First things first, however. A checkup with a neurologist for your dad seems to be at the top of the list.
Please check back and let us know how you are doing,
Carol see more
Question
What are some gift ideas to get Mom for Easter?
So much depends on your mom's personality and her level of activity. Most women enjoy new clothing, even if it's a new cardigan to... So much depends on your mom's personality and her level of activity. Most women enjoy new clothing, even if it's a new cardigan to go over several outfits (elders are often cold), or a new top. Of course flowers are a treat for many. Dinner out after church is good if she would enjoy that. If she likes crossword puzzles, a nice book of them may be appreciated. If she likes music, CDs and/or DVDs of vintage music that she enjoys could be good. A DVD of an old movie that she would like could also be a consideration - and then offer to watch it with her.
It's nice to get useful articles which can be found online that depend on her abilities and disabilities, but I do think that something that is a bit frivolous is nice once in awhile. Many of our elders scrimped most of their lives and didn't treat themselves often.
We'd love to know what you thought of. Please let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
It's nice to get useful articles which can be found online that depend on her abilities and disabilities, but I do think that something that is a bit frivolous is nice once in awhile. Many of our elders scrimped most of their lives and didn't treat themselves often.
We'd love to know what you thought of. Please let us know how things are going.
Carol see more
How to you break the news to your Mom she's going into a nursing home?
I'm sorry Cherylh, about your mom's second broken hip. N homes can't restrain residents and as careful as they can be sometimes someone gets up when they shouldn't. My dad broke a hip and a wrist in an excellent NH (over the period of several years). He would just simply get up and not grab his walker. Even alarms attached to his clothing didn't always work.
Please don't feel that you could have done more for your mom. I agree - how much more can this poor lady take? This part of aging is so hard - for her and for you. Our hearts are with you. Please keep us updated.
Carol see more